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one year ago today, one of my two best-ever friends died.

technically speaking, it was suicide, but the full story is complicated and it wasn’t his fault. it doesn’t really matter why it happened, or how unfair it was, or how much it still hurts even after he’s been gone for so long.

it doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. it somehow seems like it’s been so much longer, and not nearly that long at the same time. i feel like the last person who still remembers him.

Aiden was one of the best people i’ve ever known. i’ve made a lot of friends online, but he was different. he and i just…connected, and managed to become extremely close friends even though we were on literal opposite sides of the world. he meant…so much to me, and i still can’t believe he’s gone.

one of his friends/roommates told me about a week after he died, and i still remember the horrible sinking, spiraling feeling from when i first found out he was dead. it still hurts so bad, so much that even a full year later i still end up crying when i think about him.

he was my brother, to put it simply. we argued and teased each other and created all sorts of chaos, but he also lifted me up when i needed it the most, and became someone i could trust and look up to. we were only friends for a little over two years but it felt like forever.

i can’t blame him for this. like i said, the situation was a mess and it was in no way his fault. i still love him too much to blame him, anyways.

but i miss him every day, and i wish he was still here. i’ve dealt with loss before, but never anything like this. he was something i thought i could count on, but i guess i put too much faith in this twisted universe. it’s not fair that he’s gone, and neither him, nor anyone who knew him, deserved this.
he’d already been through so much, it’s not right that his life had to end right when things were finally going well for him. it’s just cruel. he was already such a great person, and he could’ve been so much more.

this is why i don’t believe in a god. because i refuse to think that anything this horrible could possibly be the work of anything that claims to be even partway good.

his death changed the way i think about things. my whole life got tossed upside down in early december, and i was a wreck for months afterwards. i still am. it’s hard to keep going when a huge part of your life gets ripped away. it’s supposed to get easier, but the pain doesn’t really go away. i have spent a year- a full goddamn year -grieving and missing him, and i literally cannot overstate how bad it still hurts.

i never got any kind of closure or goodbye, and i just wish i could’ve had one more chance to tell him what an amazing friend he was and how much i loved him. while he was alive, he changed my life for the better, multiple times, and i just wish i could thank him for that. there’s no other way to say it- i loved him, and i still love him, and does it ever hurt to know that i can never tell him that.

i’m never going to forget him, and i’m never going to stop missing him.

goodbye, Aiden. you meant the world to me, and i just hope you’re somehow at peace.

Description

one year ago today, one of my two best-ever friends died.

technically speaking, it was suicide, but the full story is complicated and it wasn’t his fault. it doesn’t really matter why it happened, or how unfair it was, or how much it still hurts even after he’s been gone for so long.

it doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. it somehow seems like it’s been so much longer, and not nearly that long at the same time. i feel like the last person who still remembers him.

Aiden was one of the best people i’ve ever known. i’ve made a lot of friends online, but he was different. he and i just…connected, and managed to become extremely close friends even though we were on literal opposite sides of the world. he meant…so much to me, and i still can’t believe he’s gone.

one of his friends/roommates told me about a week after he died, and i still remember the horrible sinking, spiraling feeling from when i first found out he was dead. it still hurts so bad, so much that even a full year later i still end up crying when i think about him.

he was my brother, to put it simply. we argued and teased each other and created all sorts of chaos, but he also lifted me up when i needed it the most, and became someone i could trust and look up to. we were only friends for a little over two years but it felt like forever.

i can’t blame him for this. like i said, the situation was a mess and it was in no way his fault. i still love him too much to blame him, anyways.

but i miss him every day, and i wish he was still here. i’ve dealt with loss before, but never anything like this. he was something i thought i could count on, but i guess i put too much faith in this twisted universe. it’s not fair that he’s gone, and neither him, nor anyone who knew him, deserved this.
he’d already been through so much, it’s not right that his life had to end right when things were finally going well for him. it’s just cruel. he was already such a great person, and he could’ve been so much more.

this is why i don’t believe in a god. because i refuse to think that anything this horrible could possibly be the work of anything that claims to be even partway good.

his death changed the way i think about things. my whole life got tossed upside down in early december, and i was a wreck for months afterwards. i still am. it’s hard to keep going when a huge part of your life gets ripped away. it’s supposed to get easier, but the pain doesn’t really go away. i have spent a year- a full goddamn year -grieving and missing him, and i literally cannot overstate how bad it still hurts.

i never got any kind of closure or goodbye, and i just wish i could’ve had one more chance to tell him what an amazing friend he was and how much i loved him. while he was alive, he changed my life for the better, multiple times, and i just wish i could thank him for that. there’s no other way to say it- i loved him, and i still love him, and does it ever hurt to know that i can never tell him that.

i’m never going to forget him, and i’m never going to stop missing him.

goodbye, Aiden. you meant the world to me, and i just hope you’re somehow at peace.