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he sat in the dusks fading light.
he felt cold and empty.
seeking for his purpose, seeking for his way,seeking for a reason to go on.
He felt empty,cold,lonely.
he was just sitting there, seeking,thinking.
Opened another beer.
too much,way too much during the last weeks.
doesn't care. he just doesn't care. and why should he? was it important? would it change anything?
didn't seem that way. so he doesn't care.
he looked as his arm, his scars...
he doesn't care...
and why should he?
just doesn't care.
suddenly,something changed. soft wind blowing. how? the window is closed.
flickering light. who lit the candle? Hell,where did it even come from?
shadows dancing on the walls...
wafts of mist starts to hide the carpet...
what's going on?
still doesn't care...
slightly confused, but not caring....
the room changes...boards vanishing, books turning old,changing, laying on the ground...
carpet becoming solid stone...
walls expanding,turning to rock, the romm becomes a cave...
whats going on? it's weird... but important?
not sure...should he care?
shades crawling over the walls..
weird...scary...
what's going on?
wind blowing,shadows crawling, mist wafting...
cold... so cold... shivering...
the shadows crawled over the walls, like living beings...heading towards a dark corner... coming together...
what's going on? what is this? Insanity? Did he finally snap? doesn't know.. does he care?
The shadows moved,crawled,re-shaped... became alive? what's going on?
voices muttering.. where? who? doesn't know..
wait...
shadow corner, red glowing... what...?
voices...
Voices
VOICES...
inside his head? what's going on?

"Puny boy" what..?
"you're so pathetic" who..?
"disgusting"...

red glowing...
staring..
eyes?

staring,focusing...
reshaping shadows..
a mirror?
no ...
a mirror image...
formed by shadows...
talking...

"look at you.." who.. why..?
"weak, useless..." what...?
"why won't you use it?" use...it ..?
"all this power..." power..?
"wasted.. not used... You're not even aware of it.." aware of what..? who are..?
"look at you... so weak..so useless... no goal to achieve... so busy pitying yourself..."

no more...
the pain..
what is it...

"so full of fear... so insecure... always wondering,why they don't just dump you..."

what.. pain...
old wounds... reopened.. bleeding again...
all of them...
no more...

"actually a good question... tell me, why do they keep you around? they have enough trouble,even without you..."

no more...
get silent...
no more...
still bleeding...

"ýou are weak... you are pathetic... look at you... weak flesh..."

stop it...
stop it...
stop it...

"good for nothing... can't even keep control over your own mind..."
shadow image grabs his collar...
"you didn't deserve her... don't deserve them..."
shadow image starts beating him up...
how could this...? impossible...
what's going on?
"but don't worry... I'll take it from now on..."
shadow-fist hitting his face again and again... how...what...?

"you're so pathetic... you can't even face your own emotions... you will you make your stand in life?"

shadow's right...
so damn right...

"I will take over your life.. will take your place..
I am already a better version you than you may ever become...
And you know this already..."

Shadow-self is right..
Shadow-self is strong..
can get what he want...
But real-self?
real-self is nothing, is weak, is powerless...

"Did you ever wonder why are the way you are? Oh, yeah---
that's right...
You don't remember anything..."

grinning smile on shadow-selfs face...

"well,that that should be no problem...
the answers are deep within me...
You can't get to something, you locken in something you're separated...
you locked it out of your mind...
a major part of your life...
fool.."

is that,the power he's talking about?
memories? experinces? can this be?
Is the lack of memories the reason for his lability?

"You are nothing but a child...
a weak, powerless child"

stop it...
stop it...

real-self whispers "shut up..."
shadow-self chuckled "what's wrong? can't you stand the truth? oh,but it is,indeed...
and it's your doing...
you locked all of this away..
you even created me to hide it...
But it is still haunting you...
your own life is seeking revenge on you..."

that's not possible...
how could it...
It couldn't...or could it?

"all the sadness within you..
the fear...
the almost unstoppable rage..."

stop it...
stop it...

real-self whispers "stop it...
leave me alone.."

shadow-self chuckeling again: "all those emotions...
that's your life..
your own life, which is going after you...
your own life, which is going to take you down...
your own life, which is going to lock you up inside me, like you did it before to your past..."

short flashbacks appearing in real-selfs mind...
a rejected child..
lonely..
desperate...
seeking for acceptance...
hunting for love...
growing up...
staying alone...
unable, to open his heart to others...
even those, who are close to him, are kept distant...

"you see? all the suffering...
all the pain..
you brought al this by yourself to you..."

stop it...
stop it...
stop it...

real-self sobbing...

shadowself beating while talking

"oh,but wasn't enough,was it? you really enjoy this suffering...
tell me, what came next?
doubting yourself in a state near insanity? the cutting?
or..."

"stop it...
leave me..."

"oh yeah, that's right...
in the beginning, you cut yourself to feel,you're alive..
but...
say, when changed that? when did you cut yourself, just to make sure, you're still sane?"

still beating...

real-self just sobbing...
old and new wounds bleeding..

"and when even that was enough...
what did you choose next? oh yeah right...
alkohol..
lots of alkohol...
you just started drinking and holed yourself up...
leaving everybody who cares for you, worrying...
YOU'RE. REALLY.PISSING.ME.OFF"

with every word a fist to the face...

shadow-self slams real-self to a wall, smashing his head on the rock..

pain...
sparkling in front of the eyes...

"look at you..
you're not even trying to resist...
pathetic..."

shadow-self is right..
just finish it..
no more..

"what's wrong? do want me to finish it?
should I do what you often wanted but never had the heart to do?"

stop it...
stop it...
stop being right..
it's true, all of it was true..

flashbacks, visions, sparkles..
bllod, pain..
no more..

"well, I think it's time...
Time to finish you...
Time to take over your life..
Time to take back who you moron let go..
Time to finish your unfinished buisness...
Time to get rid of who annoys me with moaning...
Time to crush everybody in my way...
Time to claim,what should be mine..."

So that's it...?
finally it will stop..?
freedom ...?

Real-self whispers "do it"

Shadow-seld grinning
"well, there's nothing that can stop me..."

shadow-self grabs throat,lifting fist...

"just do..."

wait...
what did shadow-self just say?
take back...? get rid...?

The shadow-fist was flying towards my face...
My hand flies up, stopping the shadow-punch..

My shadow-self was confused

"how did you..? why? you just said..."

I spat blood from my mouth..

"I did, but especially you should know about my heel face-turns..."

I grabbed the shadow-wrist and pulled his hand away from my throat...
"but... you where almost broken.. where did you get the strengh...?"

"That's the clue... "ALMOST" ..."

I pushed my shadow-self away from me...

"you should have shortened your monolog... Or at least tried not to piss ME off... Oh well, to late... You said some things, you better shouldn't,but.. to late"
I started beating my shadow-self.

"You gave me a lot to think about. You're right, I wasted a lot of time and opportunities... but this will and here and now.."

"Impossible... you can't do this... you may try it, but you will fail again...
even if you may win this time, I will return."

"Oh, I don't think so, shadow-face..."

I hit my shadow-self again...

"My past may be troublesome, but I won't let this affect me anymore...
I won't care anymore"

I couldn't resist a bitter smile when my shadow-self started panicing: "But... you didn't care before... why should this have any effect now? how can you even touch me?"

I grinned at him. "My fault was not careing for the present or the future... I just took everything the way it came... but now... I don't care for the past anymore...
I can't remeber it, so what? I won't let my past bother me any longer.."

"But how can you even touch me? I'm just your imagina-..."

"Exactly. You're in MY head... I own this place, I control this place... And I just decided, I don't want you to have power over me anymore.
I may have been rejected by my mother as a toddler, but I don't care anymore...
I may or may not have had a lonely childhood by I don't care anymore...
I may have been seeking to bee loved whiele being afraid of it at the same time, but I don't care anymore...
I may have hated myself for the way I lived my life but I don't care anymore...
I won't let you keep me down...
You are a part of me, but you are a part I don't need...
You are nothing but an angry child...
YOu have nothing to offer,I'm interested in so just leave..
There are still some things, I'm not totally agreeing with,but I'll get over it...
And you know why? Because I don't have to deal with it alone...
I have friends, who support me..
I have friends, to relay on..
I have friends, to trust in..."
while I spoke, my wounds stopped bleeding and began to heal..-

My shadow-self got desperate "YOu'll need me...
I am a part of you..
I'm defining you.."

a joyless smile crossed my face.
"Sorry,but I don't think so...
you may be a part of me, but You are dying now...
just like me...
but unlike you, I will raise again,like a phienix from the ashes..
I will change. i will become better. And I will start NOW...
without you.. without demons from the past constantly hunting me..
you are just an imagination, but I AM A MAN"

I beat him one last time, then he started melting to a puddle of shadow-like mud.
the mist faded, the cave began to vanish, the room returned.
I sat back on my seat, drank the last draft of my beer, put the bottle aside and took a deep breath..
Things will change, and so will I...
yeah...
So...
Will..
I...