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Ribbio — Escape? My Memory?
Published: 2022-09-22 04:03:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 2477; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 0
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CONTENT WARNING: Disassociation, Zalgo Text
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Entry 1 XX/XX\XXXX
told to wrote j̶̛͇̈́o̸̢̬͆̓u̶̟̟͑͊r̶̙̯͂̕n̸̝̲̋a̸̧̗̓͠l̶̡͚̚ journal to proccess f̷̗̪́̿ḛ̴͗̓ẹ̵̢̈l̵͇̂ǐ̸̼̈n̴̤̭̓g̷̹̊͛͜s̴̙̜̀ feelingz and learn werds. my paw h̶̭̄̏u̷̘̞̚r̸̡͖͊̂ẗ̵̡̛̯́s̶͍͛ hurtz.
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Entry 5 XX\XX\XXXX
writing hard. t̸̨̏h̷̦̐ĕ̴̌͜r̷̭̙̍à̸̭p̸͔͎̈́ẏ̶̗̆ therapy hurts. I miss h̴̭̯̒͂ó̴̜̽m̸̞͝e̸͇̻͒̋ home still. T̸̻̈́ȟ̶̞̤̌e̷̜̥̓ỳ̷̢̒ͅ ̷̹̈s̶͓̲̓̔a̸̧̚ÿ̷̮̐ ̸͇͝ï̸͜ ̶̲͎̽̿c̵̤͛̌a̸̞͋͝n̶̙͂̈'̴̯̅͐ṭ̵̺̃ ̷̳̎g̴̠̋̽ơ̶̼̼͆ ̴̪̰͌͝b̸̞͕͒ą̴̘̾c̶̨̟̋ķ̴͎̓
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Entry 7 XX|XX/XXXX
They comf0rt. Try. Say new h0me. No?.
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Entry 12 XX/XX/XXXX
If Grove new home, why no f̵͖̟͐ř̴͖̇e̸͚̓͆ḙ̸̌̎d̵͗ͅỏ̶̙m̶̬̅͌ freedom? I walk alone. Short time.
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Entry 15 XX/XX|XXXX
u̵̫͑́p̸͇͐̎s̶̯̉e̵̡̘͗ť̵̔ͅ
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Every time Integra wrote, it felt like a step backwards in her progress. Seeing her messily scrawled letters compared to the neat ones that she wrote out of habit. It hurt even worse that there was no privacy in her own thoughts. The adults who are 'teaching' her would frequently flip through the book and scrutinize her handwriting before reminding her about her need for progress. At this point, she doesn't even know the goal of the staff are any more. They mention schooling, but isn't that what she is doing now?
Other than being taught at a m̵͔̺͛u̶̮̒͆g̷̠̙͂w̴̠̼̽͛o̵̖̭̔͒r̷͖̠̅m̸̺̆̈ș̸̣̍̓ pace, Integra had a portion of each day to herself. It was intended for whatever she wanted to do; and they always asked if she wanted to go for a walk outside or to play with others her (supposed) age around the facility. But that was always met with constant supervision and furious note taking. At least within her holdings she can be alone. The pixelated windows above the room usually said otherwise but they at least attempted to hide their presence.
Alone she could reminisce and long for the sickly sweet summers that **** had. Trying to unlock the memories and fuzzy images in her head of what names were and faces that matched them. How she could feel the tingling burn of m̴͖̉a̶͙̋g̷̟̐ṁ̵͙͍ǎ̵͔ right on her tongue and gums.
Of course... The longing doesn't ever stop hurting. The pit in her heart couldn't wane, and wouldn't if she continued to wander in her memories. Lost in her mind, the sinking comfort of **** with its tantalizing locks threatened for it to consume her days. Eyes glossed over, barely blinking. Her own body unreactive and still for hours at a time. Her conscious separating from the rest to float on the joys of the past, taking her from the facility. Taking her from the grove. Taking her home. So that she can be safe once more and go back to what she once knew.
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This isn't healing. It is an escape. It is a divergence. Integra will have to return sooner than later
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(btw the zalgo text is supposed to be her original language/ references to her old world bc the font i want to use for her is incompatible with DA lmfao)
Something I dealt with in school was frequent and intense 'day dreaming' where I imagined just getting up and leaving. How I could walk out of the doors, and to the busy street. Vividly imagining myself jumping from car to car back home. Or to pack up and go on an adventure. Who I could meet in the adventure. Or where I would go to escape whatever I didn't want to deal with at that moment.
It wasn't until later I learned that wasn't healthy, and nobody else who was of sound mind did that. I hope anyone else struggling with it can move from their moments that they don't want to deal with.
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