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One

'What are you scared of?' An innocent enough question. I sat by the wall tracing my hand across the graffiti, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed in a pout. 'Lilly, what are you scared of?' I turned to look at Jamie, his face red and sticky in the winter, his clothes too big hand-me-downs. We were both the youngest of four. I was nine, he was nine and we had spent all day in the car park because his older brother and his gang were in the playground.

I realised he had probably been talking about his brother, Jarred, who he wasn't scared of. He said it so much that there was no doubt in my mind he wasn't scared of Jarred, until Jarred had kicked us out of the playground.

'I'm scared…' I mused, twisting my lips in an expression that said 'I'm thinking real' hard about this one.'

Jamie sat beside me and clasped his knees on his lap. He was shorter than me when we were seven, his feet were across from my shins. He was popping his lips, 'Puh… Puh…'

'Stop it!' I moaned, elbowing him in the arm. 'I'm scared… I'm scared of Jarred', I admitted, and Jamie sighed. 'And your dad scares me too.' There was no need to be afraid of Mr. Thomas, he was the nicest guy you'd ever meet. He took us to the park some times, or drove us to McDonalds before it closed down. It was just his voice, it was loud and boomed even when he was joking. He didn't have to be shouting and my hairs would stand on end. Jamie thought it was hilarious.

We both laughed for a little bit, poked each other's sides and tried to tickle armpits. Then the silence. A few days earlier we had discovered kissing. We had known of its existence, but neither of us had any experience, which is understandable, we were nine.

Jamie swallowed and said in a shaky attempt at nonchalance, 'Remember yesterday?' The night before we had watched a film and after the credits he had kissed me on the lips just like he saw the lead kiss the 'dame'.

'Yeah', I giggled. 'I remember.' Another few seconds of silence followed. 'What was it for?' I asked, turning to look him in the eye.

'It means you like each other right?' He asked and I nodded. 'Well we're always together, and we don't argue half as much as those people in the movie, I thought it was what I should do.' I reach out and take his hand, slowly. We both lick our lips and lean in, smushing them together and staying very very still. Our eyes were open, both terrified, then we parted with a giggle.

Two weeks later Mrs. Thomas left Mr. Thomas and took Jamie with her.

Two

I was sixteen when Jamie came to my door. I didn't recognise him. 'Hi', he smiled brightly, excited, about to throw his arms around me and hug me… Or so I speculated. 'Lilly?' He paused, waiting for a reply.

'Yyyyyes?' I blinked. I didn't know this boy. He was tall, not just taller than me because that was an easy category to fit in to, but I'm sure he was tall. His eyes were a cloudy blue, his skin pale and stretched over a gaunt face was dark beneath them. 'And to whom do I owe the pleasure…'

'Ha, my father said you probably wouldn't remember me, but I had to give it a shot. How can you forget your first kiss right?' I knew who he was, and smiled, but despite that he offered me his right hand.

'Jamie Thomas, just moved in down the street. And you are…' He waited.

'Lilly Valentine', I answered, readjusting my posture to push out my breasts as I shook his hand. 'To what do I owe the pleasure?' I repeated, bowing my head a little.

He smiled, his left canine tooth jutting out over his lip just slightly, when he was nine it had grown on top of the milk tooth and it never really slotted in to place. 'I wanted the tour. You know, new to the neighbourhood, figured a seasoned veteran could show me around.' I blushed and nodded, reaching for my jacket that hung on the coat stand behind the door.

'Dad, I'm going out!' I shouted. 'I've got my key!' I swung on my hoody and closed the door behind me, looking at my feet to avoid eye contact. 'How have you been?' I asked as we reached the end of the grass patch that qualified as our garden.

'Good. Well no, normal I guess? Finally back with my dad!' I had seen Mr. Thomas around, he was always nice to me, said hello in the street, helped me with heavy bags of shopping and told me that he had called his son and told him how everyone was. 'So Now I'm good,' He added, smiling proudly. 'So, the car park…'

'They knocked it down', I said quickly. Silence.

Three

Mr Thomas seemed pleased to see me. He poured us each a coffee and sat us all down around the coffee table, his cheeks glowing. The bags in the kitchen that I could see through the open door were and the bright shade of pink on his nose and cheeks told us he had just been to the store. 'So did she remember you then?' He chuckled, his booming voice echoing in his chest.

Jamie nodded sipping his coffee and almost making on hell of a mess. I sighed, 'Not straight away. He's so tall!' I smiled and Mr. Thomas nodded.

'Gets it from my side of the family.' He groaned to his feet, holding his empty cup in front of him and willing it full again. 'His mother was a tiny little thing…' He slowly drifted away, into the kitchen, footstep by slow footstep.

'He's a little over enthusiastic,' Jamie explained, putting his coffee onto the table. 'I've been back for three days, I can't tell if he likes the company though…'

'Of coarse he does.' I frowned. 'Since you left he's been talking about when his boys got home and he'd throw a party… Why is it just you?' I asked, raising my mug to my lips.

He scratched his chin as he spoke. 'Jarred moved in with his girlfriend, Ben and Warren live together. I'm the only one left at home. Any of your siblings still hanging around?' He smirked.

Images flashed through my head, split seconds of a tawdry sex scene or romantic ending to an epic movie. I tried to stop them but it just made them worse. Fighting the blush in my cheeks I looked at my fingers as they wound around the mug. 'All gone.' I muttered.

'And my dad… He told me…' About my mother?

'It's okay.' I smiled. 'I can talk about it.'

'I wouldn't expect you to.' He said softly. My brain dangled an image of him nibbling on my ear lobe.

'I should go', I bit my lip and stood, putting my mug on the table. 'I'll see you tomorrow?' He saw me to the door and I gave him an awkward hug. That was stupid, what if he didn't like hugs, or me anymore! I'd known him for three days technically! I rushed home and let myself in just as the street lights popped on.

Four

My father sat in his chair before the television set and drank beer that night. He was never a drunk, so I never stopped him, and it was a rare occasion. 'Happy birthday daddy!' I shouted at 12:02. I hadn't been watching my clock.

'It's not till tomorrow!' He replied with a laugh.

'That clock is five minutes slow!' I replied, putting the last piece of cello tape onto the book I had wrapped in yellow paper.

After a little pause he called back, 'Then you're three minutes late!' I looked at my clock, 12:03 indeed.

I pushed a little blue candle into the blueberry muffin I had bought that morning and lit it with my lighter. I picked up the plate and the book and headed out into our sitting room. 'Happy birthday to you…'

'One candle? Lilly Valentine…'

'Happy birthday to you…'

'You forgot how old I was didn't you.' He laughed and stood up, taking from me the muffin, the book was clasped behind my back.

'Happy birthday dear papa.' I called him papa when I wanted something. 'Happy birthday to you!' He blew out the candle and I handed him the book.

'Oh, thank you Lilly.'

'No problem Dad.' I left him to drink his beer, watch TV and read his book all at once.

Five

I sat on my porch step listening to them. My sisters had cooked the food and bought the balloons. My brother and his fiancée had bought him a night in an uptown hotel. Cards lined the mantelpiece and presents were piled on the kitchen table. My niece and nephew were sitting on my fathers lap, babbling.

They were all 'how's school, how's work, why didn't you dress up?'

'Well I don't have a dress.' I sighed, sinking my head into my hands and resting my elbows on my knees.

The footsteps were unexpected and I snapped my head up so violently my neck clicked. Mr. Thomas and Jamie Thomas were crossing our lawn. Mr. Thomas and Mr. Valentine were good friends. 'Afternoon Miss Valentine.' Said Jamie, stopping just in front of me, his scuffed shoes bringing a smile to my lips.

'Afternoon Mr. Thomas.' I replied, looking up at him and into the sun. It shone around him, thinning his head to a black thread. 'He's in there. Careful, my sister's brought their spawns.'

Jamie cringed. 'Children. I hate them.' He sat down next to me and Mr. Thomas went inside, greeting my father with a pat on the back. 'How many?' I held up two fingers. 'How old?' My parents had had my first sister when they were fourteen. My second when they were twenty two, my brother when they were twenty nine and me when they were thirty three. There were twenty years between me and Sarah.

'We were children once.' I smile and flex my lonely fingers on the edge of the step. 'Playing in mud, on the road, in the car park.'

'Yes, yes. But we're not anymore are we. And as such we don't have to like children anymore. Not until we…' He laughed nervously. 'Jarred called this morning. Told me my mother was missing me. Wanted me to come back… But he can go fuck himself.' He was grinding his teeth.

I smirked. 'Did you tell Jarred that?' I asked, amused by the interaction.

'Yep.' He was beaming with pride. 'Does he scare you still?' He asked.

As we talked the wind blew a poster onto my lawn. It was black and acid pink and the words were blurred but the gist was clear. There was a concert in The Hovel, a nightclub I had been to once for an under 14's where we all drank alcohol and some tried drugs while I became the designated driver and steered everyone home. Laura still drank to excess. Jamie went to get it, then came back and sat back down.

'It'll be a good chance for me to meet your friends.' He smiled.

I nodded. 'Would you like them?' I blurted. My neck tingled as the breeze lifted my hair from it, leaving it exposed. Images and scenarios swept through me in jealous waves. Laura was a flirt, Harriet a skank, I'd be out of my depth. My dark hair was in my eyes. I couldn't see anything