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Again and again….I fight to prove….what exactly? I don’t want to fight this boy. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I want to die. Gaara doesn’t love me. End of my story. I love him though. I wish he could understand, Gaara I mean. I LOVE him. Against my better judgment I do. Someone…help.

I stood over Uchiha, sword pointing at his throat. He was covered in cuts and bruises and he was panting while I on the other hand, am fine. I stare at him with no expression. My eyes were cold and full of scorn.

“H-how d-did this happen?” Sasuke panted

“You can’t beat me Uchiha.” I told him.

“I’m still not strong enough!” He cursed and pounded his fist into the ground.

“Hn.” I grunted and walked away wanting to get away before it fell.

“Hey fight me again!” Sasuke jumped up and caught my arm.

“No. You’re banged up already; I’m not going to fight you more right now.” I turned my face away so he couldn’t see, “Enough alright?”

“No! Fight me again!” He commanded and jerked me back so he caught a glimpse my face.

His expression was shock for a moment. Pure shock. I turned away and ran as fast as I could away from him.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I hate it. I hate myself. But, I’m a ninja I’m sort of supposed to kill people. It comes in the job description. I wish I didn’t need to hurt people but I will. People are always telling me I’m a good ninja. But I’m so dependent on other individuals. So what if I can perform mind transfer, so what if I can summon ravens, so what if I can kill without emotion? What does that make me? A monster, beast and unfeeling. Does that make me a good ninja…?! I can’t understand any of this and my chest hurts a lot…wetness…is covering my shirt.

I convulse and fall to the ground. My hand clutching to my chest I feel liquid. I move my hands and stare at the blood. My wounds opened…I guess I get my wish of death.

“How ironic that I would fall here… Under a cherry tree… bitter sweet cliché,” I laughed and it hurt. Yes I am under a beautiful cherry blossom tree. I thought it was appropriate to die here. Who would care right?

I sat down, and rested my head against the smooth bark of the tree. I felt my strength draining away. I couldn’t feel much anymore. Everything was going numb. I could taste blood in my mouth and coughed some of it up. My vision was beginning to blur, in addition I was having hallucinations. I saw Gaara standing in front of staring at me his eyes wide.

“Oh…Gaara…I’m sorry I lost, but I just beat Uchiha just now…so it’s ok now right? My wounds opened though…ahaaha. I feel numb. Everything is fading you know. I’m glad I was able to see you first nevertheless. I love you Gaara… ahaha. Something you probably don’t understand. I was glad to be your friend. Even though all you ever saw me as was a sacrificial pawn. Sorry that I have to leave though. Sucks. Ah…I can’t see anymore…bye now I guess…” I spoke truthfully. I was happy to see Gaara before my death. How I love him.

Blackness.

~

I stood there watching (Name) die. I feel pain where my heart is…but there is no wound. I clutch my head in frustration. WHY? Why did she make me feel this way? I don’t love her. I don’t have any feelings for her. So why does it hurt so BAD?! I love only myself; I kill for a reason to live. Without really thinking about it I walk over to her still bleeding form. She is barely alive. I pick her up and take her…where? To hospital is where they treat bleeding people. So I guess there.

I took her where I remember her room is. I’ve been coming to kill her every night since she was injured, but I can’t do it. Her sleeping face just bewitches me into staring at it all night long. I want to kill because of the way she makes me feel inside… the pain! It burns! I want it to end! I thought by killing her it would but…when I saw her dying under that tree I didn’t feel relief I felt pain. Right where my heart is. No wound, but it still hurts…

Yashamaru once said that the key to easing that pain is…love. What garbage that statement was. He never loved me. No one ever loved me! Not even my own mother! But (Name) said she loved me…

LIES, SHE LIED! SHE DOSEN”T CARE!!! KILL HER! END HER SO YOU CAN BE STRONGER!

No…I don’t want…

KILL HER!!! THEN YOU WON’T HAVE TO FEEL PAIN!

I can’t kill her.

THEN YOU ARE WEAK!

I am not weak! I..!

There was a clattering sound that came from outside the door. I started and jumped off the window sill. I heard a woman enter and scream, “(NAME)!!! SOMEONE COME QUICKLY!”
I made my way to high roof top where I could be alone with my thoughts. Once there I sat down to think over what she had said. It didn’t make sense.

“No matter what happens I come to the same conclusion. I am alone. I love only myself and
I kill for a reason to live.” That was my answer. Never loved by someone and never loved another person. A monster has no right to be loved. I killed my mother and countless other people. I have no right to be loved or to love.
~

I opened my eyes as if I hadn’t been sleeping. I sat up and looked around. It was day, I was in the same hospital room I had left the previous night, and I noticed that my shirt was on the night stand… My hand jumped to my chest which was heavily bandaged. “Oh good…” I sighed in respite sinking back onto my pillows.

“Now how did I get here?” I asked a loud scanning the room for some sort of answer. I didn’t find one.

There was a knock at my door, “(Name)?”

I sat bolt upright, my hand instinctively going to wear my swords usually were on my back, “Enter.” I replied to the voice. The door opened and I breathed out in relief. “Geez Temari-nii. Way to scare the jutsu outa me. I thought for it’d be an enemy.”

“Sorry (Name) I was just making sure you were still there. Last night you kinda pulled a disappearing act on us.”

I looked at Temari sharply, “So I take it that you and Kankuro have been checking up on me?” I was annoyed to say the least. I bleed half to death and all their worried about is me going missing for a few hours.

“Yes. We have been. And you should know that you are in no condition to leave the hospital.” Temari crossed her arms in a way that said there would be no argument.

“Ha. Since when are you my MOM?”

“Look I’m just telling you to be careful!” Temari growled at me.

“I don’t need your concern.” I turned away from the irritated older girl.

“Rgh….whatever.” Temari grumbled and walked out of the room.

Once again I was alone. I sighed running a hand through my hair mentally slapping myself.
I knew I shouldn’t have said that but I can’t rely on people anymore. The only way that I knew to become independent was to alienate everyone around me. Not a genius idea I know, but hey that’s all I got.

There was a knock at my door once again and I went back into tsundere-mode. “What?” I barked at the door
It opened to reveal…Maru.

“Maru!” I stared at him unable to believe it.

“Hey there (Name).” He smiled sheepishly at me.

“Hey yourself. It’s been almost two weeks.” I muttered irritated

“10 days actually.” Maru smiled and took a seat next to my bed.

“Oh, shove off, you’re annoying.” I glared at him, he didn’t respond at all. He observed me passively like I was only of mild interest to him. I finally got sick of his scrutiny, “What is it? You keep looking at me like that.”

He didn’t answer at first. He just shrugged his back pack into his lap and began unpacking the contents inside. When he had emptied three scrolls, a ninja pack and food pills he spoke, “You’re trying to become someone you’re not. Why?”

I stared at him with wide eyes for second then felt a smile tugging at my lips but at the same time I wanted to cry so my expression was mixed, “What are you talking about?! Stop acting like you know everything!” I shouted at him indignantly.

“I’m not saying, nor am I implying I know everything. And you know very well what I’m talking about, (Name). You want to be like Ita-”

“I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE LIKE THAT MAN.” I objected vehemently

“You wish to be like him in mind and strength. I understand. He saved you after all. Why wouldn’t you want to be like your hero?” Maru continued taking things out of that stupid backpack of his he glanced at me from time to time.

“Because, he killed his entire family! Minus his little brother! Why would I want to be like a bastard like that?!” I demanded of my teammate furiously. He remained calm despite my words.

That was one thing I always admired about Maru. He never let his feelings get in the way. He didn’t do things on impulse like I did. He didn’t shout or get visibly angry if someone pointed out something about his character. Unlike me, who always reacted to everything in such a big way. I let my feelings cloud my judgment, made decisions, then let others clean up the mess that was left. I am so childish.

“We all have faults in our character. When these faults are pointed out to us we either realize that we need to change and get angry at ourselves, or get angry at those who pointed it out to us. We tend to close our eyes when we see the truth, and block our ears when we hear it. The truth can bring joy and pain. We must embrace the pain because it makes us stronger. But, there are people who are afraid of that pain so they run away from it all together. I used to be one of those people. ”

“What do you mean Itachi-san?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Eh?”

Now I think I understand Itachi. What you were trying to tell me then. Maru is telling me the same thing. I was running as fast as I could from the truth. It hurts, yes, but I will face it, the ultimate truth about myself.

“(Name),” Maru said gently, “What are you afraid of? What is causing you so much pain?”

I am afraid of being alone forever.

I am afraid of the darkness inside me will take over.

I am afraid of what is in Gaara.

I am afraid that the people around me will once again vanish.

I am afraid of becoming an emotionless killing machine.

I am afraid of disappointing my family’s memory.

I am afraid of pain.

I am afraid of the swords I wield.

I am afraid of killing the wrong people.

I am afraid of making the wrong decisions again.

I felt tears welling up once again in my eyes. I keep breaking the shinobi code of conduct. Some shinobi I am.

“I am afraid of myself.” That is what my voice said but it didn’t feel like it was coming from me.

Maru was silent a moment then he verbalized his thoughts, “That’s quite a fear you’ve got there.”

“Yeah. I know right?”

“So what’s your solution for curing it?” Maru asked at me after finally stopping unpacking his things.

“Killing myself.” I replied sighing

“Well I don’t think that’s necessary.” Maru chuckled

“Maybe not.” I agreed smiling

Maru and I talked for a long time. More than we ever had before. While I was talking with I realized something. I’m not alone. I have at least one friend. That made me very happy.

Now the question is….what are you afraid of…?
Post your answer in the comments

..............

Description
Again and again….I fight to prove….what exactly? I don’t want to fight this boy. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I want to die. Gaara doesn’t love me. End of my story. I love him though. I wish he could understand, Gaara I mean. I LOVE him. Against my better judgment I do. Someone…help.

I stood over Uchiha, sword pointing at his throat. He was covered in cuts and bruises and he was panting while I on the other hand, am fine. I stare at him with no expression. My eyes were cold and full of scorn.

“H-how d-did this happen?” Sasuke panted

“You can’t beat me Uchiha.” I told him.

“I’m still not strong enough!” He cursed and pounded his fist into the ground.

“Hn.” I grunted and walked away wanting to get away before it fell.

“Hey fight me again!” Sasuke jumped up and caught my arm.

“No. You’re banged up already; I’m not going to fight you more right now.” I turned my face away so he couldn’t see, “Enough alright?”

“No! Fight me again!” He commanded and jerked me back so he caught a glimpse my face.

His expression was shock for a moment. Pure shock. I turned away and ran as fast as I could away from him.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore. I hate it. I hate myself. But, I’m a ninja I’m sort of supposed to kill people. It comes in the job description. I wish I didn’t need to hurt people but I will. People are always telling me I’m a good ninja. But I’m so dependent on other individuals. So what if I can perform mind transfer, so what if I can summon ravens, so what if I can kill without emotion? What does that make me? A monster, beast and unfeeling. Does that make me a good ninja…?! I can’t understand any of this and my chest hurts a lot…wetness…is covering my shirt.

I convulse and fall to the ground. My hand clutching to my chest I feel liquid. I move my hands and stare at the blood. My wounds opened…I guess I get my wish of death.

“How ironic that I would fall here… Under a cherry tree… bitter sweet cliché,” I laughed and it hurt. Yes I am under a beautiful cherry blossom tree. I thought it was appropriate to die here. Who would care right?

I sat down, and rested my head against the smooth bark of the tree. I felt my strength draining away. I couldn’t feel much anymore. Everything was going numb. I could taste blood in my mouth and coughed some of it up. My vision was beginning to blur, in addition I was having hallucinations. I saw Gaara standing in front of staring at me his eyes wide.

“Oh…Gaara…I’m sorry I lost, but I just beat Uchiha just now…so it’s ok now right? My wounds opened though…ahaaha. I feel numb. Everything is fading you know. I’m glad I was able to see you first nevertheless. I love you Gaara… ahaha. Something you probably don’t understand. I was glad to be your friend. Even though all you ever saw me as was a sacrificial pawn. Sorry that I have to leave though. Sucks. Ah…I can’t see anymore…bye now I guess…” I spoke truthfully. I was happy to see Gaara before my death. How I love him.

Blackness.

~

I stood there watching (Name) die. I feel pain where my heart is…but there is no wound. I clutch my head in frustration. WHY? Why did she make me feel this way? I don’t love her. I don’t have any feelings for her. So why does it hurt so BAD?! I love only myself; I kill for a reason to live. Without really thinking about it I walk over to her still bleeding form. She is barely alive. I pick her up and take her…where? To hospital is where they treat bleeding people. So I guess there.

I took her where I remember her room is. I’ve been coming to kill her every night since she was injured, but I can’t do it. Her sleeping face just bewitches me into staring at it all night long. I want to kill because of the way she makes me feel inside… the pain! It burns! I want it to end! I thought by killing her it would but…when I saw her dying under that tree I didn’t feel relief I felt pain. Right where my heart is. No wound, but it still hurts…

Yashamaru once said that the key to easing that pain is…love. What garbage that statement was. He never loved me. No one ever loved me! Not even my own mother! But (Name) said she loved me…

LIES, SHE LIED! SHE DOSEN”T CARE!!! KILL HER! END HER SO YOU CAN BE STRONGER!

No…I don’t want…

KILL HER!!! THEN YOU WON’T HAVE TO FEEL PAIN!

I can’t kill her.

THEN YOU ARE WEAK!

I am not weak! I..!

There was a clattering sound that came from outside the door. I started and jumped off the window sill. I heard a woman enter and scream, “(NAME)!!! SOMEONE COME QUICKLY!”
I made my way to high roof top where I could be alone with my thoughts. Once there I sat down to think over what she had said. It didn’t make sense.

“No matter what happens I come to the same conclusion. I am alone. I love only myself and
I kill for a reason to live.” That was my answer. Never loved by someone and never loved another person. A monster has no right to be loved. I killed my mother and countless other people. I have no right to be loved or to love.
~

I opened my eyes as if I hadn’t been sleeping. I sat up and looked around. It was day, I was in the same hospital room I had left the previous night, and I noticed that my shirt was on the night stand… My hand jumped to my chest which was heavily bandaged. “Oh good…” I sighed in respite sinking back onto my pillows.

“Now how did I get here?” I asked a loud scanning the room for some sort of answer. I didn’t find one.

There was a knock at my door, “(Name)?”

I sat bolt upright, my hand instinctively going to wear my swords usually were on my back, “Enter.” I replied to the voice. The door opened and I breathed out in relief. “Geez Temari-nii. Way to scare the jutsu outa me. I thought for it’d be an enemy.”

“Sorry (Name) I was just making sure you were still there. Last night you kinda pulled a disappearing act on us.”

I looked at Temari sharply, “So I take it that you and Kankuro have been checking up on me?” I was annoyed to say the least. I bleed half to death and all their worried about is me going missing for a few hours.

“Yes. We have been. And you should know that you are in no condition to leave the hospital.” Temari crossed her arms in a way that said there would be no argument.

“Ha. Since when are you my MOM?”

“Look I’m just telling you to be careful!” Temari growled at me.

“I don’t need your concern.” I turned away from the irritated older girl.

“Rgh….whatever.” Temari grumbled and walked out of the room.

Once again I was alone. I sighed running a hand through my hair mentally slapping myself.
I knew I shouldn’t have said that but I can’t rely on people anymore. The only way that I knew to become independent was to alienate everyone around me. Not a genius idea I know, but hey that’s all I got.

There was a knock at my door once again and I went back into tsundere-mode. “What?” I barked at the door
It opened to reveal…Maru.

“Maru!” I stared at him unable to believe it.

“Hey there (Name).” He smiled sheepishly at me.

“Hey yourself. It’s been almost two weeks.” I muttered irritated

“10 days actually.” Maru smiled and took a seat next to my bed.

“Oh, shove off, you’re annoying.” I glared at him, he didn’t respond at all. He observed me passively like I was only of mild interest to him. I finally got sick of his scrutiny, “What is it? You keep looking at me like that.”

He didn’t answer at first. He just shrugged his back pack into his lap and began unpacking the contents inside. When he had emptied three scrolls, a ninja pack and food pills he spoke, “You’re trying to become someone you’re not. Why?”

I stared at him with wide eyes for second then felt a smile tugging at my lips but at the same time I wanted to cry so my expression was mixed, “What are you talking about?! Stop acting like you know everything!” I shouted at him indignantly.

“I’m not saying, nor am I implying I know everything. And you know very well what I’m talking about, (Name). You want to be like Ita-”

“I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE LIKE THAT MAN.” I objected vehemently

“You wish to be like him in mind and strength. I understand. He saved you after all. Why wouldn’t you want to be like your hero?” Maru continued taking things out of that stupid backpack of his he glanced at me from time to time.

“Because, he killed his entire family! Minus his little brother! Why would I want to be like a bastard like that?!” I demanded of my teammate furiously. He remained calm despite my words.

That was one thing I always admired about Maru. He never let his feelings get in the way. He didn’t do things on impulse like I did. He didn’t shout or get visibly angry if someone pointed out something about his character. Unlike me, who always reacted to everything in such a big way. I let my feelings cloud my judgment, made decisions, then let others clean up the mess that was left. I am so childish.

“We all have faults in our character. When these faults are pointed out to us we either realize that we need to change and get angry at ourselves, or get angry at those who pointed it out to us. We tend to close our eyes when we see the truth, and block our ears when we hear it. The truth can bring joy and pain. We must embrace the pain because it makes us stronger. But, there are people who are afraid of that pain so they run away from it all together. I used to be one of those people. ”

“What do you mean Itachi-san?”

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Eh?”

Now I think I understand Itachi. What you were trying to tell me then. Maru is telling me the same thing. I was running as fast as I could from the truth. It hurts, yes, but I will face it, the ultimate truth about myself.

“(Name),” Maru said gently, “What are you afraid of? What is causing you so much pain?”

I am afraid of being alone forever.

I am afraid of the darkness inside me will take over.

I am afraid of what is in Gaara.

I am afraid that the people around me will once again vanish.

I am afraid of becoming an emotionless killing machine.

I am afraid of disappointing my family’s memory.

I am afraid of pain.

I am afraid of the swords I wield.

I am afraid of killing the wrong people.

I am afraid of making the wrong decisions again.

I felt tears welling up once again in my eyes. I keep breaking the shinobi code of conduct. Some shinobi I am.

“I am afraid of myself.” That is what my voice said but it didn’t feel like it was coming from me.

Maru was silent a moment then he verbalized his thoughts, “That’s quite a fear you’ve got there.”

“Yeah. I know right?”

“So what’s your solution for curing it?” Maru asked at me after finally stopping unpacking his things.

“Killing myself.” I replied sighing

“Well I don’t think that’s necessary.” Maru chuckled

“Maybe not.” I agreed smiling

Maru and I talked for a long time. More than we ever had before. While I was talking with I realized something. I’m not alone. I have at least one friend. That made me very happy.

Now the question is….what are you afraid of…?
Post your answer in the comments

..............