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Today was different. Today was ‘fun’.

Fun like ‘what it used to feel like when I worked on a ball jointed doll fun’.

Today I got lost in time, sniping away on this doll wig. Struggling with a kicky doll and awkward limbs slapping my hands. Dealing with having a flat foot on one leg and a heeled foot on the other, resulting in me scuffling through my doll cabinet so I could swap one out. I struggled with bits of wig stuck in joints. Had a /marvelous/ time adjusting and readjusting the wig cap. At one point I caught myself smiling while I worked, a thing I’ve not caught myself doing in quite some time while working on a doll. It felt good. Making this post and thinking back, it still feels good.

For the past year or so I’ve been trying so hard to get back to what I was - trying to do what I used to do - to create as often as I did and on the level of what I used to... In the end... I can’t do that. I probably won’t be able to do that really ever again. I’m not the same. I don’t have the same time. I don’t have the same expendable income. I don’t have the same people in my life, the same struggles, the same suppressions. Truth be told, I’m a happier person than I used to be. I no longer have to dive so deep into my artistry and crafting to feel happy... I’m just happy now. Thinking back, I always knew that when I was upset or stressed or feeling down, that’s when I’d be at my optimal creative. If I was feeling upset - you could bet there’d be a new YouTube video or doll photoshoot popping up. I needed it. Not for anyone else - but for me. It was something I could do and control completely. I customized the shoots, I coordinated the outfits. I created the character(s) and edited the shots. I was able to push people away, shut myself inside and play with my camera and toys alone and with complete control. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. Looking back it was a really good way for me to deal with my emotional and mental struggles. Sitting here now, I can honestly say I didn’t realize I was struggling with myself as much as I was. I didn’t want to look “weak” to anyone, so much so that I hid it so hard that I didn’t realize I was so unhappy myself. I used to call it my “hermit mode” to all my friends and just tell people I felt introverted that day/weekend/week. All my friends and family knew about it and they all knew I’d be off the radar for a bit. Don’t contact him because he’s not gonna be happy... I used to mask my sadness and pain with anger. (still do kinda...)

Looking back, I’m so thankful I had this hobby. It helped me get through a lot of tough times - the struggle of growing up and figuring yourself out is rough m, man. It pretty much sucks most of the time, or at least it did for me. The BJD hobby gave me something else to focus on, it gave me something to do and had a positive gain for me. I’m really lucky, I joined the hobby when I did and was able to meet nothing but friendly and positive people. I was pretty much welcomed and enjoyed so many artists in the hobby... I can say I still have several who I consider some of the best who will still talk and comment with me. It’s a nice feeling. I know that’s not the case for everyone, I know the community can be pretty bad, which is a topic for another time I guess. But for me, it was a really positive light in my darker days. It was my escape...

All that being explained, I think I’ve realized now that I’ll never get that feeling of comfort and accomplishment again. Or at least, I can’t get the contrast of emotion back - from a low to a high because this hobby isn’t my “safe escape” anymore. I’m no longer riding that sad boat as much or often! Now don’t get me wrong! It’s still something I enjoy!.. it’s just that I think I’ve come to the conclusion it’s just for fun now. It’s not something I need to do to be happy... it’s just something that makes me happy and I can do it whenever I want and for whatever reason I feel like.

I’m not sure what caused me to write this post out... I’ve mentioned before that I’ve missed deviantART and the way the platform worked because of the journal I was able to utilize... So maybe I just wanted to get some journaling done. Ha.

Anyway. Keep your chins up people! I know the world is a bit out of control at the moment.. do what makes you feel good! (Try to avoid violence and drugs if you can.) and happy Friday! 🙂

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