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Hot Mark: Welcome back to Mark and Mark Til After Dark. For our audience out there listening, Basil and Julian have just set up a set of double stocks that Basil says is an exact replica of the stocks used by the Barefootin Tickler. I didn't know the dude uses stocks.

Basil: Well, according to my interviews, he sometimes tickles multiple guys at once. I suppose he'd have to, if he's going to tickle the barefeet of all the men in a whole town and convert them all. Sometimes he's assisted by some of the Barefootin Fools or uses a device, but it seems he usually prefers to have the individual hands-on experience.

Smart Mark: Okay, but how does he get anyone to sit in the stocks in the first place? I know I sure wouldn't want to get in there, especially if I knew that the Barefootin Tickler wanted me in the stocks so that he could... tickle my bare feet...

Basil: That's actually a question to which nobody's been able to give me a definite answer, not even Professor Graves. All anyone's been able to tell me is that it seemed like a good idea at the time, even though they were still conscious of a lingering desire not to convert.

Hot Mark: A lot of things seem like a good idea to me when I do them. These dudes are lucky they haven't regretted it later.

Basil: I suppose you're right. It's true nobody I've interviewed expressed regret.

Smart Mark: This may end up going down as one of the more amusing examples of mass persuasion. The Barefootin Tickler is probably well versed in all sorts of mind tricks if he convinces everyone that getting into his stocks is actually a good idea.

Basil: Very likely true. I've even had the idea that the Barefootin Tickler might have been one particular mentalist who was occasionally given to performing while shoeless, but that line didn't lead anywhere. Still, there is something powerful in suggestion, and the ability to plant ideas into people. The right sort of promotion can go a long way.

Hot Mark: Oh... promotion! Maybe Julian could get some good promotional photos of us, Mark! We're doing that Renaissance Faire appearance next month, aren't we?

Basil: That's not a bad example.

Smart Mark: I still have this weird, uneasy feeling, as if the Barefootin Tickler were somehow not all that far away. I guess you don't feel that, Mark, since you're already sitting in the stocks, and we will be going into them for charity next month. Besides, we should be thinking about facts, not giving credence to weird feelings...

Basil: I'm not sure I'd entirely agree with that, Mark. After all, some of the best research work I've done has emerged from when I had the idea to follow a hunch. Now, of course, plenty of times there's nothing in a hunch, but, when it pays off, it really leads places.

Hot Mark: I don't know about that, but these stocks are cool. Julian, get the camera ready.

Basil: I see the Barefootin Tickler wouldn't have much trouble with you.

Smart Mark: I suppose you're right, Basil. But I don't really have a definite hunch here. And if he's already in, then I suppose I'd better join him. So... okay, here goes. I'm in.

Basil: I have to admit that you two make a fine sight, sitting there in the stocks, with your four hot barefeet making a really fine show. The Barefootin Tickler couldn't be any more pleased with this picture if he were here in the flesh.

Hot Mark: Thanks, Julian. This should be a good pose for a promo photo. Say, Basil, which of us do you think the Barefootin Tickler would say has the hotter barefeet?

Basil: You two really are competitive, aren't you? I'm not sure I could say. From what I've heard in my interviews, he doesn't confine his tastes to one particular type of barefeet. Guys have told me that he's very fond of wide feet like yours, with really round toes, but also of really big feet like Mark's, with his high arches and long toes. I don't think I'd want to guess which of the two of you would win the prize.

Smart Mark: So, um, Basil... if the Barefootin Tickler were really here with us right now, I suppose he'd tickle our feet, as that seems to be what he usually does. Can you tell our listeners how he'd probably go about it?

Basil: Of course, if the Barefootin Tickler were here in person, then Julian and I would be in the stocks with you, I'm sure. We'll have to do without that bit. But he'd probably start by securing your arms to those spots in the frame. And then he'd probably decide whether to use these toe ties on the two of you or not. Some of his converts told me that he used them, and some told me that he didn't, but either way his preparation is thorough.

Hot Mark: Listeners, this is wild. I wouldn't leave this job for double the salary. You never know what's going to happen next on Mark and Mark Til After Dark, and half the time we don't know either. Now here we both are, sitting in these stocks, Basil's securing our arms, and it looks like we're about to get our tootsies tickled. Who'd've guessed?

Basil: You really seem to be getting into the spirit of the occasion. I don't think our mysterious friend would have that hard a time converting you to barefootin feet-tickling.

Smart Mark: He gets into the spirit of quite a lot of things easier than I do. Here that would really be the case. He'd probably enjoy this sort of ticklish situation, certainly a lot more than I would. My barefeet aren't ticklish, I'm pretty sure.

Basil: If I had a bet on how every man who's told me in interviews that he thought that at first and then realized he was wrong, I could afford to retire in the south of France. It's one thing for you to say that when you're just sitting here, even in the stocks, and another when you feel your big, hot barefeet being tickled... like THIS... [brief pause, then loud laughter from Smart Mark]

Hot Mark: Whoa, Dude! You made Mark laugh in almost no time flat! All this studying you've been doing of the Barefootin Tickler and his techniques must be paying off. I'll bet you can give him a real run for his monEEEEEHEEEEEHEEEEEHEEEEE!!!

Basil: Well, you two and your audience will have to be the real judges of that. I think it's safe to say that we've established that both you Marks have got really ticklish barefeet.

Smart Mark: I think... we need another commercial...

[commercial break plays]

Basil: [through noise of diminishing laughter] Oh, hello, audience. We're back with Mark and Mark Til After Dark. During the commercial break, I was just giving Mark and Mark a little taste of some of the Barefootin Tickler's best-known foot-tickling techniques. I've been hearing about them for so long without seeing them in action, and, I must admit, they seem really effective. Mark, you got the one-finger technique, while Mark, because you pretended that your humongous barefeet aren't ticklish, you got the two-finger tickle.

Hot Mark: That was insane, dude! If that was just the one-finger tickle, I don't know if I could take the two-finger! Are there any other techniques the Barefootin Tickler uses that you can show us?

Basil: I'd be delighted. Someone as enthusiastic as you are could probably make a devoted foot-tickler out of almost anyone. Now, the Barefootin Tickler is very fond of pairs, or anything that comes in twos. My guess is that it's because barefeet usually come in pairs. He has a double-brush method that he'd probably give you as a reward, because you'd probably have already agreed to join the Barefootin Fools by this point. I know that right now would be the time he'd be taking a break and asking you both if you surrender.

Smart Mark: Things that comes in twos... hmmm... Surrender? You mean admit to being a barefooter and loving feet-tickling? Good grief, no, I mean, maybe it's not as horrid as I used to think, but even the Barefootin Tickler himself couldn't convert me that easily.

Basil: Brave words. And I honour you for them. So would the Barefootin Tickler. He'd probably give you the double-brush method tickle as a punishment for not surrendering.

Hot Mark: But you said he'd give me that tickle as a reward! That's like what's-his-name.

Basil: You mean Morton's Fork? That's a good comparison. If you're ready to be a tickled barefooter, you get the double-brush method as a reward, and, if you're not, you get it as a punishment. Just like how people who lived frugally and people who lived extravagantly could all afford to pay extra taxes for... which king was it, Mark?

Smart Mark: It was Henry VII. John Morton was Archbishop of Canterbury and his Chancellor. The term survives largely as a play in bridge. You're stuck on Morton's Fork when declarer leads low through your winning caHA HA HA HAHAHA HAAAAHRD... [continues laughing]

Basil: And there's your punishment. We'll have to save the bridge lesson for later.

Hot Mark: That sounds like, if the Barefootin Tickler were really here, he'd have Mark well on the way to being a barefooter tooHOOHOO HUHHOO [continues laughing]

Basil: While we give the Marks a moment to recover, why don't we have Julian come back in for the next segment? I'm sure the two Marks wouldn't mind. They were a little lucky there. I've been told the Barefootin Tickler likes to use a real fork on guys' barefeet when he has them in a Morton's Fork situation. But we don't have to give the audience a completely thorough re-enactment. Because this is on the radio and not just on a webcast, I think we might as well skip the electric toothbrushes, because they make a clear buzz. Now Mark seems just about able to talk again - so! would you be any nearer converting?

Smart Mark: Not at all! Well, I don't think so. I never realized my feet were so ticklish, or tickling could be so strong an experience, but I'm not about to start barefootin. It's probably a good idea of yours not to use electric toothbrushes on the air. Do you have anything else from his bag of tricks to show us?

Basil: That's one reason I brought Julian back in. You'll remember I told you both about how occasionally some of the Barefootin Fools will help the Barefootin Tickler when he's tickling multiple guys at once. I thought it would be fun to have Julian take on the role of one of the Barefootin Fools. Maybe with his assistance I can take you over the edge.

Hot Mark: Hey, dude, what about me? I'd be proud to claim I'm a Barefootin Fool, and I haven't even met the Barefootin Tickler. Give me an hour and I'll bet I could make Mark into a really enthusiastic barefooter!

Basil: Oh, but, first, Julian's going to tickle you, while I devote myself to Mark. And second, you're much more valuable in your current situation. You're such a great laugher yourself that your laughter will inspire your friend over here. I'll prove it to you. Now, I'm going to tickle Mark here myself with this paintbrush. It will just be a pretty gentle tickle, and, Mark, you should easily be able to keep from laughing. There, see? this is very easy to withstand, just a mild tickle. Now, on my signal, Julian is going to oil your barefeet, Mark, and then tickle your soles with a scrub brush to get a vigourous laugh going out of you, and then we'll see how long it takes for your laughter to get Mark laughing too.

Smart Mark: Now, that's very interesting. I've wondered how susceptible I might be to this sort of thing, and you're right, that paintbrush is barely tickling. It's not enough to make me want to laugh. [laughter begins from Hot Mark] Wow, Julian must really have Mark's number, getting him to laugh like like that. I almost wish I could seeheehee for myself... wow, I guess it is harder to stay calm with Mark laughing away like that, and it is starting to tickle more after awhawhawhawll... And you're still doing just the same thing with that brush; you haven't changed spAHHAHAHAHOTS! Come on, Mark, stop letting it get to yooHOOHOOHUHHOO! Oh, GEEHEEHEEHEEZE!!! That really TIHIHIHIHICKLES!!! I can't TAYHAYHAYHAKE it!!!!! You gAH HAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAHHHHH...

Basil: [continued laughter from Mark and Mark] I think we can say that that was a success. Maybe this would be a good time for your long news break. My thanks to their programme manager Julian for his assistance.

[news plays]