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Basil: So, for all you guys who've been enjoying today's edition of Mark and Mark Til After Dark, I think today even the two Marks got an experience that was well out of the ordinary. It's certainly been life-changing for them, but then a meeting with the Barefootin Tickler is something no man ever forgets. And I am indeed the Barefootin Tickler himself. In the flesh. Alive and tickling. And, as always, totally without any form of footwear. Dr Inman is just one of my alter egos. Oh, I did write the book, and I have interviewed many, many men who have all told me about their meetings with the Barefootin Tickler and how he changed their lives. That part's actually quite fun. Nobody ever recognizes me. But I play fair; at least, I did today. I gave Mark and Mark a clue; Mark worked it out. By calling myself the second, I gave a hint to take the first two letters of all my Christian names - BAsil, REgis, FOster, OTto. They spell BAREFOOT. Barefoot Inman, or Barefootin Man. If I could, I'd have found a way to spell out Tickler, but that CK was too big a stumbling block. Oh, well.

Now I believe there's often a part of the programme where Mark and Mark answer some questions their listeners send in to their web site. Here's one from S.M., male, who asks, "How does the Barefootin Tickler avoid getting caught? Even if he's somehow untouchable once he starts his pitch, why not just apprehend any male barefooter?" Now that's a really good question, Shoeless Man. I'll call you that because this site just uses initials. The answer is simple: holograms. Nobody ever knows that I'm never wearing shoes until I want them to know it. You'll remember when I showed my barefeet today and Mark got confused, because he couldn't see my shoes anywhere but was sure I'd been wearing them. That's very much the usual experience. By the time I'm ready to display my barefeet for one or more guys, I'm pretty confident I can carry the day.

Here's another question from L.G., male, that reads, "How does the Barefootin Tickler convert people whose feet, like mine, just aren't ticklish?" Now this is a question I've gotten all the time. I'll call this emailer Laughing Guy. Boy, do I wish I had some money for every time I've gotten this particular question. Laughing Guy is like a lot of people who confuse minimally ticklish with not ticklish at all. Ticklishness is much more a scale or a spectrum than a coin flip. Now, sure, I can acknowledge that there are men whose natural score on the ticklish feet scale would genuinely be zero. The key to overcoming that for me has been to find not only techniques that multiply a dude's ticklishness (which would still keep zero at zero) but also those that add to it. I can increase his ticklishness from zero on a zero-to-ten scale to one.

Now, let me see... oh, here's a good one. T.T.D., male, writes, "I've been tracking the Barefootin Tickler for some time. What will he probably be doing next after he finishes converting whatever town he's visiting now? And how does he pick his locations to visit?" Wow, another super question! Perhaps the best thing way to answer this one is to review how I came to be here today. I was just finishing my visit to my most recent town of converts. And who should I happen to meet one day when I was wondering where to go next but Julian here? Now, Mark and Mark maybe never knew this, because I think he's kept it under wraps, but Julian was already a barefooter. It didn't take a lot of tickling to make him a Barefootin Fool. He told me all about Mark and Mark, and how he got a kick out of barefootin in secret when you were on the air. We both got an idea.

Oh, I forgot to come up with a nickname! How about Ticklish Toes Dude? That has a ring to it. So, Julian and I decided it would be fun for me to come on Mark and Mark. We settled on today, and worked out the details of the book. In fact, that was what gave me the idea to write a real book, although it will be a little bit different when it comes out from the story I spun for the two Marks. Only one of the Marks was going to be difficult about details, but Julian knew he could always fudge a little, and simply mislay a message about getting their copy of the book to Mark to read before going on the air. We both thought it would be a real hoot to get the two Marks barefootin, especially the uptight Mark, and then tickle their big barefeet until I'd turned them both into Barefootin Fools right in front of their very own listening audience.

So, I arrived today, and the holograms were clearly working, as neither Mark nor Mark noticed anything interesting about my appearance. I get a kick out of being secretly barefoot sometimes; it's fun planning when I'll deactivate the illusion. As far as it goes, the conversation was quite genuine. I do like visiting my converts in another guise. A lot of them seem to be trying to convert me, and are completely unaware that I'm reinforcing my hold on them. It's amazing sometimes seeing the change in people. Professor Graves, for instance, was incredibly stuffy all his career, though I doubt anyone listening to this programme ever heard of him. It's great seeing him now, only concerned with flaunting his hyper-ticklish tootsies. I sized up the Marks as we talked, steering the conversation to the moment when it was time to go from theory to visuals and show my barefeet.

There can be a lot of psychological potential in that moment. Men wearing shoes can get very nervous around us barefooters. There are various reasons. For some of them, it just upsets their sense of the natural order of things. It's a sign of chaos or anarchy. For others, it's a little more basic. It brings to their attention their natural inclination to join in. I'll bet a lot of you watching the webcast version of this programme had that idea, and probably a lot of guys took the sight of my barefeet as a good reason to slip off their own shoes. There's a certain appeal in the freedom of a pair of barefeet, especially when the barefooter knows the best ways to draw attention to them and make his position seem as enviable as possible. It's surprisingly similar to the way Tom Sawyer - another barefooter - got his friends to whitewash the fence for him; one just makes the undesirable desirable.

So there were my barefeet on display working their magic, and of course there was also Julian's assistance, which neither of the Marks knew about. That was essential, as this is radio, and we wanted the demonstration to work at a faster pace than it would have done otherwise. Mark, of course, offered no resistance. As Julian had told me, he was already more than halfway to being a barefooter himself. But Mark, on the other hand, put up a bit of a battle. He was really determined to keep his shoes on. But it was just a question of figuring out what contributed to that strong impulse of his - fear of loss of control, the combination of opposition to small-group conformity with the impulse to maintain large-group conformity, general distrust of his own natural impulses, excessive regard for arbitrary rules, embarrassment that his barefeet are unusually large and, well, hot.

Now Mark was a valuable ally here, just as Julian had been. It may be one thing to be the only barefooter in a room full of shoe-wearers, but it seems rather harder to be the only one with his shoes still on in a room full of dudes barefootin. Once the one Mark ditched his own shoes and the other Mark was left on his own, it wasn't long before he was struggling, and I was able to get in a bunch of subliminal suggestions besides. Maybe I flatter myself, but it does seem that my barefeet do exert a little influence in getting other guys to join in. And Mark's urging him to join in did at least provide a bit of an excuse for Mark, something he could tell himself was the real reason he did what he didn't want to admit to himself that he wanted to do. I'd have gotten him out of his shoes even if we'd been alone, but it probably would have been a little more painful for him.

So, then, of course, the next thing on the agenda was to mention the Barefootin Fools. This was a good move with both Marks. One Mark was all hot to trot, which is always fun. The other Mark was at least able to justify where he was in the moment to himself and grow more used to it because at least there was another step in view that he could resist. It's a little like justifying giving yourself a small treat when you're on a diet because you turned down a larger treat. And I think it helped that he was given to shoes on the small side. It must have been a continual relief for him to get them off, even if he never admitted it. Of course, before long, he was coming along quite nicely, taking the same sort of little steps towards permanent barefootin that are typical of some intellectual types when their intellectual theories are no match for the pleasures of their barefeet.

Then I was able to pivot the talk onto the tickling element, which gave Mark something else on which to concentrate, so that he could take his mind off his barefeet and get used to barefootin. And raising the issue of how some of the guys who've met the Barefootin Tickler show a preference for one end of the feather, the other or both gave it a sort of problem framing. Maybe it's even something I'll look into in depth some time in the future. But then, just when the Marks might be feeling unacceptably vulnerable, they got an unexpected taste of agency. I brought up the question of my own possibly meeting with the Barefootin Tickler, and expressed a bit of uncertainty about how I'd be able to handle such a meeting, all the while subtly drawing both their attention to my own barefeet, still right out there in front of them and looking very subtly ticklish.

This was one of Julian's shining moments in the entire affair. He knew as soon as I expressed uncertainty about being ticklish myself, it would give the Marks the idea to tickle me for themselves - and why not? My barefeet are tons of fun to tickle. Every guy who's ever tickled them has totally enjoyed himself. And I love getting a good laugh myself. It would be very lonely after a time if all I ever did was tickle dudes' hot barefeet myself and never got to receive the treat. And Julian absolutely nailed the two Marks' competitiveness with each other. He assured me that it was practically a guarantee that they'd barely have established that my feet were ticklish before they'd be all over me to decide for them which of the two was the better foot-tickler.

And, as Julian had predicted, answering with uncertainty or indeed the inability to distinguish between the two immediately pushed them into the contest we had. Julian even thought Mark would win, as he'd be more uninhibited at the crucial moment. But it was just the right sort of thing to happen at that moment. Mark was almost totally comfortable with barefootin by then, and their tickling my barefeet had made it look as if feet-tickling wouldn't, at least not without the presence of the Barefootin Tickler, turn out to be anything so terribly dangerous, or, as it were, open up a key to their souls through the path of tickling their soles. I should make a maxim of that. "The sole is the key to the soul." I'll have to have these guys tell me what they think about that the next time I see them after they've been Barefootin Fools for a while.

And of course Julian had manipulated the Marks' schedule to make it clear that they would soon be at an event which would be seeing both of them spending some time in the stocks. And - in a coincidence the equal of Bill Heslop's "just happening" to keep running into Deidre Chambers - Julian and I just happened to have a set of stocks ready to be used right here and now. Then one of the Marks was in the stocks before we could say, "Boo!" and the other one was a little more okay with that because he'd just been tickling my barefeet, and nothing terrible had happened to me. I'd survived their feet-tickling contest without any apparent ill effects, and even had some fun out of the good laugh I got out of it. Presumably, he thought, he'd emerge from the other end unscathed.

Of course, one compliment on their barefeet once they were both in the stocks was enough to set them off on another of their competitions. Which of the two of them had the hotter barefeet? It didn't really make much difference which of the two of them I chose; just having the question out there and both Marks thinking about the question was another step towards victory. And Mark had come so far along the way that he actually brought up the next idea that the Barefootin Tickler would tickle their big tootsies. One of the email questions I didn't read out earlier was whether Mark was bluffing or genuinely thought his barefeet weren't ticklish. I have a good read on dudes in that situation, and I can say pretty authoritatively that he didn't really know either way, and just assumed that, if his feet were truky ticklish, he'd have been aware. His voice had that amount of doubt.

Of course, I was able to make short work of Mark's so-called resistance. He was laughing his fool head off in no time. They both were. And then before long we got to Morton's Fork and how the double-brush tickle one Mark would get as a reward would be the same double-brush tickle the other Mark would get as a punishment. That was another step for Mark, though one he'd almost certainly never recognize. He was still able to think, and that let him think that he was a lot further from surrendering than he really was. The electric toothbrushes were a bit of a bluff, as they don't always come into play. But it continued to make the point that this wasn't a "real" encounter with the "genuine" Barefootin Tickler. That let him admit to more power in the tickling experience than he wanted, and led me to the next step. It was time to up the role-playing.

As I was already pretending to be playing the role of the Barefootin Tickler, it was the perfect time to have my new buddy Julian pretedn to take on the role of one of the Barefootin Fools. Simultaneously, the Marks felt both less threatened and more vulnerable. They felt less threatened because, in their minds, at least they weren't being tickled by the real Barefootin Tickler and a genuine Barefootin Fool, which would to them be much worse. But at the same time it did make them both feel more vulnerable because, if it tickled as much as it did when it wasn't what they thought would be the most intense tickling, that meant that they were much more ticklish than they'd realized. That's true for some guys. For others, though, just knowing that I am the genuine Barefootin Tickler in the flesh makes it tickle more. It's like that for this Mark, I think.

Anyway, this Mark was already won over. He'd have joined the Barefootin Fools on the spot had I whipped out a membership form and handed it over to him to sign. Actually, I just made that bit up. There isn't any membership form for people to sign. There is a certain initiation, but we'll leave that for the moment. Mark had come over to the cause so far that he'd have tickled Mark into joining him if he could, but Mark still needed my personal attention. Besides, it was a good thing for both Mark and Julian that they were occupied with each other just at that time. Mainly I wanted to make sure that I personally made Mark go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, as that's the way to produce the best sort of Barefootin Fool in a variety of cases. And he responded more or less exactly in the way I could have wished.

That was when I asked Mark if he might be ready yet, if, of course, he were meeting the real Barefootin Tickler, to become a Barefootin Fool, and he was a lot closer to ready than he had been in the beginning. He could see and admit to a lot of the positives. That made it the perfect time to bring out another of my patent-able characteristics. I went right into my particular speaking rhythm, a sort of poetry that I often reserve for that particular portion of the conversion process. I could speak that way all the time if I wanted, but that's when it's especially effective, that time when someone is just on the brink of being ready to cross over from normal life into fully embracing becoming a Barefootin Fool. It really works, especially because it draws whoever's listening to it into recognizing and accepting that particular thought patter, then falling into line with it.

It may have sounded cheesy, all the lines that I was spouting, especially if you were only listening to the audio and weren't able to see how both Marks quickly became entranced by the cadence, but that didn't make it any less true. The human mind loves patterns, and I made sure to give them some. Mark was already right where I wanted him to be, and the other Mark just kept drawing nearer and nearer with each couplet. At the right time, then, all that was left for me to do was to tickle his barefeet with my own toes and soles, which always tickles so much it even tickles me, too, as you all heard. And, of course, it was just at that moment when I began that the penny finally dropped for Mark that I wasn't this fictitious Dr Inman after all, but the one and only Barefootin Tickler himself, tickling his tootsies with my own barefeet to make him a Barefootin Fool.

Well, of course, there was no fighting that. With Julian and Mark really getting into it right next to him and creating an atmosphere of hot laughter, and then Mark feeling the touch of my own toes and soles on his, there was no way he could hold out or resist another moment. We totally soul-bonded in that moment of sole-bonding. If you're seeing the web cast, Mark's totally nodding in agreement. You can see how happy he looks now, laughing his head off - and Mark and Julian, too. All three of them are pleased as punch to be Barefootin Fools, much happier than Mark ever was when he was insisting on all kinds of silly rules like making Mark wear shoes in the studio. He ain't never gonna wear no shoes again, are you, Mark? See, he agrees with me. He'll actually make a much more enthusiastic barefooter and feet-tickler because of how hard he fought to resist me.

It's always really rewarding converting someone who makes it difficult, even though the harder he fights the more certain I feel of victory. And yet it's about equally rewarding to liberate someone who's clearly so desperate to become a Barefootin Fool that he yields to me almost before I get started. So, for anyone who listened to this broadcast or saw this web cast who was interested in the methods and techniques of the Barefootin Tickler, I think we all gave you a pretty good illustration today. I hope nobody feels cheated by the fact that Doctor Basil Regis Foster Otto Inman the Second turned out to be just a persona of the Barefootin Tickler myself. Not even the most studied theoretician could give you all a better analysis of the situation than I've provided for myself. And it gave you all at home the chance of figuring out my alias for yourselves, the way Mark did.

You know, it really does my heart good to see these three dudes just laughing their heads off and having such a fantastic time. And just the way they're wigglin their toes and twitchin their massive, powerful soles, they're just lovin this tootsie ticklin. And they're all gonna make really great barefooters. Mark's definitely the in-your-face type. He's the kind I could take with me to a new town and just let him show off his huge barefeet, and he'd get lots of other guys ditchin their own shoes without any other effort. Julian's a master tactician. He's fantastic at all kinds of persuasion, the sort who'd talk all kinds of guys into getting into the stocks. And as for Mark, he'll be unstoppable. As much as he feared barefootin and distrusted feet-ticklin before, he loves them both know, and nothing will stand in his way. He'll be a real irresistible force once he gets going.

Now, those are not all of the little tips and tricks I have for taking any dude I meet and turning him into an enthusiastic barefooter and feet-tickler (or ticklee, usually both), but they're quite enough for today, don't you think? They were certainly all I needed for my three newest Barefootin Fools here. Now, Mark, Mark and Julian are all receiving the ministrations of one of my best inventions, a very cunning barefeet-ticklin machine that will be reinforcing the Barefootin Fool mindset in all three of them. By the time this finishes, the thought of ever wearing shoes again will be abhorrent to all three of them, and they'll wiggle their toes better than anybody. And they'll all go totally cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs at any opportunity to indulge in a bit of barefeet tickles, either giving or receiving. Anyone who ever wants to throw a tootsie ticklin party - they're your dudes.

But now, some of you may be wondering what I, the Barefootin Tickler, intend to do next. Well, let me tell you. The more I've come to know about this town, the better I've been liking it. So I've decided this is the perfect place to make all the guys in town into Barefootin Fools, every last man. Why, I'll bet more than half you dudes out there in the audience kicked off your own shoes even before we got the two Marks in the stocks, and the rest of you, if you're totally honest with yourselves, you know you want it too. All your studly barefeet out there are just waitin for me to go tickle-tickle-tickle. And I'm gonna get each and every one of you. Fight me if you want, but resistance is futile. You might as well just ditch your shoes right now, dudes, throw em all away, wiggle your toes and get yourselves ready to just laugh, laugh, laugh...

[end of transmission]

The two archaeologists stared at each other in wonderment.

"So... this could be almost the entire missing piece of the puzzle..."

"We should get the Department right on it. Oh, it's too late for today."

"Do you think this slots into the pre-DD or the post-DD period?"

"It sounds pre-DD, and there's no mention."

"Sure, but it did remind me of that post-DD record we found last week, didn't it?"

"Could be. The Department will be able to pronounce better."

"Did the style seem different to you?"

"I know what you mean. There was something, but I can't pin it down."

"Let me see... what's in our notes... oh, should this have been a ten instead of a twelve?"

"Really? Oh, you're right! I didn't notice that."

"I'm not sure what it means, though."

"Well, where's the timeline? We could be able to plot a new point here."

Before they could proceed, however, a loud bell rang. The two archeologists looked at each other again, each surprised by the reminder being given of the hour. Their newest piece of evidence was promptly logged and locked away; then they hurried out of the Research Room.

"We'd better hurry. We don't want to be late for the Five O'Clock Laughing."

"I know. That would be dreadful."

"Do you ever wonder... what shoes were like?"

"What a horrifying thought. Why?"

"Good point. Let's both forget I ever had the thought."

The pair wiggled their toes for a moment in appreciation of their current way of life, then hurried away, eager not to miss the late afternoon tickling ceremony.