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Basil: Hello, again, listeners. After that news break, we're back with Mark and Mark Til After Dark, and I'm Basil Regis Foster Otto Inman II, author of the bestselling book Kickin Off His Shoes (and His Plan to Get Yours, Too), which I wrote after spending a considerable period of time researching the exploits and the methods of one of the country's most enigmatic men, the Barefootin Tickler. He seems to be on a mission to turn as many men as possible into barefooters and feet-tickling devotees. If you're just joining us, Mark and Mark asked me to show them some of the Barefootin Tickler's techniques after we all ditched our shoes to get into the spirit of the discussion. Julian helped me get these two into some stocks that are a replica of the Barefootin Tickler's favourites. Already this Mark has agreed that he's an enthusiastic barefooter and that he's really taken to feet-tickling, too, haven't you?

Hot Mark: I'll say. I'd join the Barefootin Fools any time! I just wish I could meet the great Barefootin Tickler himself.

Basil: Who knows? That could still happen. Now, as for the other Mark, he's been a bit more resistant along the way. He wasn't eager to take his shoes off, and then he wasn't sure he should go and sit in the stocks, and he didn't think his feet were ticklish, though I know he changed his mind about that one pretty quickly! But I thought he could use a bit of extra persuasion, just to show him all the things I've been told that the Barefootin Tickler will do to make a new convert. So, throughout the news break, I've been twirling a feather in between all his toes. My old colleague, Professor Graves, who was one of the first well-known people known to have become a barefooter and foot-tickler after an encounter with the Barefootin Tickler himself, told me in our interview that it was the feather between his toes that finally convinced him to stop fighting his natural urges and ditch his profession to devote all his time to barefootin and feet-ticklin. So I've been having a go with a really tickly feather between Mark's toes while the news played, and the way his toes were wigglin around to beat the band and you could probably hear him laughing without even having the radio on, I wonder if we'd get a different answer now. So, how about it, Mark, would you be ready to join your co-host here, ditch all shoes, join the Barefootin Fools, and get all the tootsie-ticklin your heart desires - if, of course, the Barefootin Tickler were here in person to ask you? He was ready for all these rewards almost from the very first second he was asked.

Smart Mark: The very first... second... Gee, Basil, I have to admit that my barefeet are way more ticklish than I could even have imagined they'd be. And I never thought I'd say this, but the idea of becoming a barefooter is actually... pretty tempting. It is... well, kind of fun, and maybe even liberating in a way. And so is getting my barefeet tickled, or even the thought of tickling someone like Mark. He was eager enough to get his paws on mine. But I just wouldn't be able to bring myself to yield to the Barefootin Tickler.

Basil: So, even more reluctant than Professor Graves. Well, there's something I wasn't quite sure I'd share with you two today, but I think I might as well.

Hot Mark: What's that, Basil?

Basil: Well, the dude has a tactic you might like to know that he uses for helping his influence grow. See, the Barefootin Tickler loves tickling guys' feet with a consummate passion that makes him elite. And he simply won't rest until each man he meets comes to love his feet-ticklin and barefootin treats. First he shows off his barefeet with vision and flair. Though guys try to ignore him or seem not to care, soon his sneaky persuasion gets hold of each dude until every man's kickers are totally nude. Then he'll tickle their tootsies from morning til night until every dude giggles and laughs with delight. Then he makes them admit when he's tickled them all that they're feet-ticklin barefooters all in his thrall. Now when some guys will fight him or try to resist, then the Barefootin Tickler adds one little twist. He'll adjust all his speech to a rhythm and rhyme. It's a natural thing he can do all the time. And the longer he does it, the greater you'll find that his influence strengthens its hold on your mind. Though you might not desire all the thoughts he inflicts, still your mind always follows the things it predicts. So your mind plays along til he captures it whole and you gladly admit you've a barefooter's soul. For you've shed your resistance, it's only a chore, and you beg him to tickle your barefeet some more. And if anyone still won't just simply believe, then he's got one more trick that he keeps up his sleeve. See, as foot-ticklers go, he's become such a whiz, if he has to, he'll tickle your barefeet with his. If you think that his trying would just go amiss, well the Barefootin Tickler will do it like THIS!

Smart Mark: Wait a minute... the second... Basil... Regis... Foster... OttOH HOHO HOHOHO HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHHHHH!!!

Basil: So audience, here I've got Mark in a pickle. I'm using the Barefootin Tickler's best tickle. The dude's worked out the secret, but still all the same, he'll agree there's no way he can win at this game. He can wave all his fighting goodbye as it goes, for I'm ticklin his barefeet with all my own toes. Now he's laughing so hard, his resistance is through, and this toe-tickle toe-tally tickles me, tooHOOHOO! AHAHAHA! YEEHEEHEEHEE! OHOHOHOHO!!! Wow! That was a good one...

Hot Mark: Um, Basil...?

Basil: Wh... who's Basil? Oh, sorry. Well, let's see how Mark is doing here. So, buddy, do you have anything you'd tell the Barefootin Tickler if he were here right now?

Smart Mark: I give up, I'm convinced, barefeet totally rule! And I'm proud to announce I'm a Barefootin Fool! I'll throw out all my footwear tomorrow and then I won't never be puttin no shoes on again. I'll get every foot bare of the guys that I meet and I'll tickle each one of their big studly feet! Just one thing I implore, though at first it was tough; Please keep ticklin my barefeet - I can't get enough!!!

Basil: Well, I believe the Barefootin Tickler would count that as a win. Julian, don't leave the room. You're due a reward, you know. Luckily these stocks have an expansion, and I can make room for you in between the two Marks... There! Now you're just as secure as they are. Now, if you'll give me a minute to set up here... there!

Hot Mark: What have you done? And why is Julian in the stocks with us?

Basil: Oh, you're about to find out. Now I think this is the right button...

Smart Mark: I know... I worked it out...

Basil: Of course. I thought you would. Three... two... one... showtime!

[Hot Mark, Smart Mark and Julian burst into continuous hysterical laughter]

Basil: Oh, I think I'd better lower their microphones, at least while I close out the programme here. For those dudes listening , what I've done here is to set up some cunning foot-ticklers at Mark's, Mark's and Julian's barefeet that are programmed to keep these three entertained for up to the next three hours. Given how well they've all adapted to barefootin and feet-tickling, I think they'll probably all last the full time. Now in case anyone in the audience is still wondering, the time for truth-telling is at hand. I'll tell you everything you don't know about today's programme after a brief interlude.

[a not-quite-identifiable noise mixes with the ongoing laughter]