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skysoul25 In reply to ??? [2013-03-12 21:28:42 +0000 UTC]

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TheRedSpider In reply to skysoul25 [2013-03-13 20:25:51 +0000 UTC]

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skysoul25 In reply to TheRedSpider [2013-03-13 20:26:37 +0000 UTC]

yay

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TheRedSpider In reply to skysoul25 [2013-03-15 18:51:27 +0000 UTC]

so you gonna see doctor who series 7 part2?

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BloodTalonHero In reply to ??? [2012-12-15 21:14:29 +0000 UTC]

It's pretty good. You need to fix the grammar and spelling and work on the dialogues a bit. Apart from that it's good.

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skysoul25 In reply to BloodTalonHero [2012-12-15 21:17:51 +0000 UTC]

yay qell thats jsut part 1 read parts 2 and 3 yet? i knwo speelling is my weakness grammer well for peter he has AS liek em, so the mistype grammer is actully okay for him, but i;mg lad you liek the story, and charaters, and how powers are down :3 i'm actully gettign it fixed by a friend, and i'll polish it soem more then send this baby over to marvel :3

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BloodTalonHero In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-15 21:29:59 +0000 UTC]

No not yet. You're gonna send it over to MARVEl? Good luck.

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skysoul25 In reply to BloodTalonHero [2012-12-15 21:35:40 +0000 UTC]

yeha read part 2 and 3 before your final judge ment, here it is: part 2:[link]

Part 3: [link]


yep! hoping they liek the cocnept,idea,etc,etc.

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Shadowcreator21 In reply to ??? [2012-12-08 23:20:04 +0000 UTC]

SO AWESOME!!! Hven't read it all yet but so AWESOME!!!!

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skysoul25 In reply to Shadowcreator21 [2012-12-08 23:26:17 +0000 UTC]

^^ glad your enjoying it so far.

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silverstar-alchemist In reply to ??? [2012-12-07 05:11:11 +0000 UTC]

Still adore this script to bits!

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skysoul25 In reply to silverstar-alchemist [2012-12-07 05:42:41 +0000 UTC]

aah thank you chrissy ^^

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The-Solar-Surfer In reply to ??? [2012-12-07 00:43:15 +0000 UTC]

I'm assuming this is the first Act of the movie script, and the structure is worked out pretty well. Issues with spelling and grammar here and there, but I can still understand what you're trying to get across.

I'm not an expert on scriptwriting, and I know dialogue is integral to most movies, so I will say this: Your dialogue is good, but sometimes it doesn't sound natural. I liked Spider-Man's witty jibes, and most of his V.O.s work well. But don't explain too much though - the audience watching the movie to this script would be at least teenaged (probably not that much younger, what with the swearing and all), and they will be smart enough to figure out some subtext or foreshadowing on their own.

A big rule I'm going to tell you is Show, Don't Tell. You don't have to display all of the information of the characters through dialogue :blahbah: or narration. It feels patronizing to be told certain things, especially those about Uncle Ben. Peter questioning and imaging what Ben would say is good, but describing relationships or characters is best left to visuals instead of being told such qualities. And there's also the matter of redundancy. During the scene with Montana and his two goons, the first line he implied the death of Gunner, and that was good. Then several times later he specifically mentioned the death of Gunner, and I think that's unnecessary. The first line was enough to convey that Gunner is going to die (unless shown otherwise), and if Smith and Jones are going to confirm that he's dead, they should simply say, "We did what you asked us," or maybe something more sinister, "Gunner's not gonna be talking no more, boss." Dialogue doesn't have to be obvious, and sometimes IMPLYING action or demands once is much more than bringing it up directly and multiple times.

Technique aside, I like the character's personalities. Is Jackson an original character? Because I've never heard of him before, and I like you made him asian-american. Racial diversity is a plus in character casting. Flash was written well, but I think his first name is Eugene, not Nathan. I don't know if you chose this on purpose, but from what I gathered, Flash's character was embarrassed by the name Eugene. That aside, its not a big deal, since only serious comic book fans are probably going to notice

Sorry if this is really long, its hard for me to edit amateur critiques. If you have any questions about whatever the hell I just typed, I'll be happy to answer

(Please excuse all the emoticons, I'm experimenting).

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skysoul25 In reply to The-Solar-Surfer [2021-12-23 07:31:46 +0000 UTC]

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skysoul25 In reply to The-Solar-Surfer [2012-12-07 03:23:59 +0000 UTC]

no thsi is exacrly what i wanted, constrtvie creitism soemthing you like, soemthing that can be work on, and yes your asumsion is right, its the frist part of s TV Pilot. also read part 2 and 3.

part 2 of the telivsion pilot: [link]

Part 3: [link]


to answer your qustion renee,yes jackson is an original character like a few people in the seires are, and thanky ou. iw anted this to be very diverse cast. yeah in the comcis liek a said hsi name is eugene (and fred in the Ultimate canon) here as a nod to Camerons Flash his ame is nathan. show not movie, show. TV SHOW XD.

but i;m glad you like their personailiteis. my goal si to have realstic characters in an unrealstic unverinse.

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The-Solar-Surfer In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-07 04:07:18 +0000 UTC]

Your welcome! Thanks for the links

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skysoul25 In reply to The-Solar-Surfer [2012-12-07 04:16:27 +0000 UTC]

your welcome Renee.

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skysoul25 In reply to The-Solar-Surfer [2012-12-07 02:19:23 +0000 UTC]

trhank you and yes i dDID SAY its part one of a THREE part scirpt (look in my gallary to read the rest) and flash is name is nathan in this incarnation as a nod to James camerons scriptment. there is a lot of show it ihnk in more aspects of the parts.(but thats if you read the WHOLE THING) that aside thank you!

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joe94 In reply to ??? [2012-12-06 11:05:01 +0000 UTC]

Very good, I liked all of it. The only thing I would improve on is to just iron out the dialouge a bit. Other that, pretty good job and I'd love to see more!

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-06 11:16:17 +0000 UTC]

yay!! ^^ glad you liek the whole episdoe, and jsut iron otu the dialouge?

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-06 20:27:23 +0000 UTC]

Yep, that's it. The concept and everything else I think is great, just make the dialouge seem a bit more polished that's all.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-06 20:36:03 +0000 UTC]

okay what was your favirotie part?

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-12 13:37:44 +0000 UTC]

The talk between Peter, Gwen and Jackson about Uncle Ben, mostly because of the kinship between the three and the more relaxed tone of the scene.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-12 16:39:33 +0000 UTC]

yeah thats one of my favirote parts to. to me that one is organic and nauttural. thsoe three knew ech other the longest and harry we can see has issue's, but thsi is jsut to show the origin points with them all.

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-14 15:33:30 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, well done on that, you got what I've always liked about Spider-Man in that very scene. Good work, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-14 19:01:23 +0000 UTC]

thank you, well what we see form peter,jackson,harry, and gwen is going to be a rollor coster but that will never change. it's those bonds see uncle ben ususally in spider-man we ehar how much he affected Peter, but not about his close friends and family, jackson and Peter are pretty much bothers. and sicne they all knew one another THATS the point thast iw anted to get across.

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-17 23:29:38 +0000 UTC]

Ah, now I see. Still an awesome scene and better with added context, and I look forward to hearing more from 'The Spider' soon. Good job.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-17 23:50:08 +0000 UTC]

yeah but the new rewrite that was eidted by my friend, is pretty brutal.

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-18 22:45:07 +0000 UTC]

Cool, sounds like it's going to be good.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-18 22:50:09 +0000 UTC]

yep. pretty much what the feedback was.

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-22 13:34:04 +0000 UTC]

Nice work on this, and I look forward to reading more!

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-23 02:36:06 +0000 UTC]

yeay hopefulyl when i get the editied part 3 i shall uplaod them as oen script on ehre.

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joe94 In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-23 22:43:57 +0000 UTC]

Sounds good, should be a nice read.

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skysoul25 In reply to joe94 [2012-12-23 23:34:25 +0000 UTC]

yeha. it should

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Gohanisawesome In reply to ??? [2012-12-06 05:16:27 +0000 UTC]

how do you upload this from Microsoft word?

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skysoul25 In reply to Gohanisawesome [2012-12-06 07:49:18 +0000 UTC]

I made it into a PDF file, then uploaded onto DA

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Gohanisawesome In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-06 13:47:35 +0000 UTC]

and what does pdf mean

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skysoul25 In reply to Gohanisawesome [2012-12-06 13:50:55 +0000 UTC]

Portable Download File. anyways so far how do you like the script?

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Gohanisawesome In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-07 00:44:29 +0000 UTC]

it's amazing

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skysoul25 In reply to Gohanisawesome [2012-12-07 02:21:25 +0000 UTC]

whoot thank you. don;t forget to read parts 2 and 3 which you can ind in my gallary.

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Gohanisawesome In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-07 03:17:02 +0000 UTC]

i need an opinion

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skysoul25 In reply to Gohanisawesome [2012-12-07 03:30:16 +0000 UTC]

i just am interseted to here your opinion.

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Gohanisawesome In reply to skysoul25 [2012-12-07 04:47:30 +0000 UTC]

i'm pissed because my Amazing Fantasy story data got deleted and I have to start over. Well since I'm starting over, what you think of this so far?

the Amazing Fantasy Blackbird #1
Chapter One: Powerless
This life is a complicated one, having to deal with school, girls, a job, helping my Aunt, and being a vigilante that fights bad guys while wearing spandex. Yep my life is a strange one. But my life wasn’t always like this. My story begins at Midtown high in Queens. There were people walking, and this kid leaning on the locker, and with his friends. Then this kid with glasses came running by and running from two other bullies that is chasing him. Then the kid leaning on the lockers stretched his legs out and tripped him.
The guy fell flat on the ground, losing his glasses, and everyone laughs. That kid on the ground is me.
“Nice one Osborn!” Eugene “Flash”, one of the guys chasing me had yelled out, while laughing so hard, and high fived that other kid who tripped me, known as Harold “Harry” Osborn.
Harry is laughing so hard and squat down, and looked at me. “You think you’re better than the rest of us now Parker?”
I got on my knees, and responded, “Very funny guys.”

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skysoul25 In reply to Gohanisawesome [2012-12-07 04:53:03 +0000 UTC]

its good so far, you can psot mroe to me on my page.

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