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Description
The tools you will need depend on your mood. If you feel content and lazy, then access a computer with a keyboard. If you feel slightly more dramatic, get a notebook and a black ballpoint pen. Actually, buy those pens in bulk. Write your resume on them. Give them away at your next wine tasting/gala/court date.

Day One:

1. This is the most important step. Make a strong pot of coffee.

2. Hover around the kitchen until the coffee machine beeps in a tone that says, 'I love filtering and heating water through ground coffee beans.'

3. Pour a good-sized serving. Wait for it to cool to a less mouth-melting temperature.

4. Drink the coffee. Make sure the only thing in the cup is the coffee you brewed...no cream or sugar. This is the right way to drink it. Do not join the ranks of coffee failures.

5. Now that your preparation is finished, you can begin to write. What's that? Smart little guy like you doesn't know what to write about? Just try to stop thinking and let the static in your head filter out in 1 to 10 sentences.

6. This step is sort of hit and miss. When a good idea rears its head it’ll really stand out from the pile of what is essentially mind goop. But with words instead of slime.

Day Two:

7. Type up your mind goop and submit it to a combination art and writing site. Give it an almost clever title. Mention how poor you health is to get a sympathy audience. All will flock when they realize what a little trooper you are!

8. Now that some thought-detritus has been cleared, you should have at least two workable ideas. Run with them, making any characters you can think of. Don’t worry about clichés at this stage. If typing, save you work every couple of sentences. Apply semi colons and commas every other sentence. Add parentheses because they totally don’t read as ‘I forgot to add this earlier’ or  ‘Please ignore this’.

9. I have a ‘grape job’ scented sticker for you if you’ve made it past the introduction type of paragraph. This is the worst part. All stories should therefore start in the middle/end. This idea is completely original and has never, ever been used.

Day Three:

10. After a frantic night of clacking your way into carpal tunnel syndrome, you allow a close friend/family member/parole officer to read what you have. They point out the obvious flaws, essentially ripping the support beam fetus from the construct womb of your fiction! Make sure they know that by using confusing/bad metaphors, depending on your familiarity and skill with metaphors.

Day Six:

11. Three days later, you return to the world from your warm cocoon made of used books and sleeping bags. Talk loudly about starting something new, despite obstacles and especially poor health.

12. Throw away the coffee grounds. Wow, apparently you are the only one who ever uses the coffee pot. And coffee grounds will get moldy…kind of fuzzy and blue-grey.

Day Seven:

13. After scrubbing the coffee pot and starting at step one, you reach step five and hit on a major good idea!

14. Write out a good set of literary bones for your story. Begin applying fleshy characters and muscle-y settings.

Day Eight:

15. At this point, it should be one day later and you should not have gone to sleep. The coffee should also have disappeared into the digestive track of you, my budding young author. This step is to make sure you are alive, but uncomfortable and actually expecting death. If you are happy and wide-awake, you did something wrong. Think like a socially poor man in his thirties that feels like sleep is a bandit of his time.

Days Nine Through Thirteen:

16. Continue to drink, think, and write. At this point you should have a vague idea of how this story will turn out. If your health begins to suffer, you are doing something right and are therefore awarded a scented ‘no butts about it’ sticker. The smell of fanny will stain you fingers.

Day Fourteen:

17. You should have over one thousand words by this time. If you don’t and have the loch ness monster of the literary world, (writer’s block), then give up immediately. Go with something easier, like sculpting.

Day Fifteen:

18. Submit your work to a public venue. Become 89% more paranoid. Doubt your creativity and talent while panicking about other people reading your terrible filth. Take it out on a small child, no older than three, lest they remember it and ruin you credibility when you become a mega-super-Godzilla-sized published writer.

Some Day, anywhere from Day Sixteen To Day One Hundred And Sixteen:

19. Someone comments that you really seem to have something actually readable. Thank them without getting profuse. Comment on others’ works with a secret haughty manner, because you are a super-rad talented author. You know this because WaLLfLoWer454 said so, as well as zootsuitguy and his friend xXhagaKurexX.

The rest of your days:

20. Continue along this path I have laid out for you. Eventually something will come along that is less than horrible, but also less than good. Latch onto this, as it may be the best you ever get. Dispense kind critique to those less talented and harsh critique to those more popular than you.

21. Grow remarkably bitter.

Description
The tools you will need depend on your mood. If you feel content and lazy, then access a computer with a keyboard. If you feel slightly more dramatic, get a notebook and a black ballpoint pen. Actually, buy those pens in bulk. Write your resume on them. Give them away at your next wine tasting/gala/court date.

Day One:

1. This is the most important step. Make a strong pot of coffee.

2. Hover around the kitchen until the coffee machine beeps in a tone that says, 'I love filtering and heating water through ground coffee beans.'

3. Pour a good-sized serving. Wait for it to cool to a less mouth-melting temperature.

4. Drink the coffee. Make sure the only thing in the cup is the coffee you brewed...no cream or sugar. This is the right way to drink it. Do not join the ranks of coffee failures.

5. Now that your preparation is finished, you can begin to write. What's that? Smart little guy like you doesn't know what to write about? Just try to stop thinking and let the static in your head filter out in 1 to 10 sentences.

6. This step is sort of hit and miss. When a good idea rears its head it’ll really stand out from the pile of what is essentially mind goop. But with words instead of slime.

Day Two:

7. Type up your mind goop and submit it to a combination art and writing site. Give it an almost clever title. Mention how poor you health is to get a sympathy audience. All will flock when they realize what a little trooper you are!

8. Now that some thought-detritus has been cleared, you should have at least two workable ideas. Run with them, making any characters you can think of. Don’t worry about clichés at this stage. If typing, save you work every couple of sentences. Apply semi colons and commas every other sentence. Add parentheses because they totally don’t read as ‘I forgot to add this earlier’ or  ‘Please ignore this’.

9. I have a ‘grape job’ scented sticker for you if you’ve made it past the introduction type of paragraph. This is the worst part. All stories should therefore start in the middle/end. This idea is completely original and has never, ever been used.

Day Three:

10. After a frantic night of clacking your way into carpal tunnel syndrome, you allow a close friend/family member/parole officer to read what you have. They point out the obvious flaws, essentially ripping the support beam fetus from the construct womb of your fiction! Make sure they know that by using confusing/bad metaphors, depending on your familiarity and skill with metaphors.

Day Six:

11. Three days later, you return to the world from your warm cocoon made of used books and sleeping bags. Talk loudly about starting something new, despite obstacles and especially poor health.

12. Throw away the coffee grounds. Wow, apparently you are the only one who ever uses the coffee pot. And coffee grounds will get moldy…kind of fuzzy and blue-grey.

Day Seven:

13. After scrubbing the coffee pot and starting at step one, you reach step five and hit on a major good idea!

14. Write out a good set of literary bones for your story. Begin applying fleshy characters and muscle-y settings.

Day Eight:

15. At this point, it should be one day later and you should not have gone to sleep. The coffee should also have disappeared into the digestive track of you, my budding young author. This step is to make sure you are alive, but uncomfortable and actually expecting death. If you are happy and wide-awake, you did something wrong. Think like a socially poor man in his thirties that feels like sleep is a bandit of his time.

Days Nine Through Thirteen:

16. Continue to drink, think, and write. At this point you should have a vague idea of how this story will turn out. If your health begins to suffer, you are doing something right and are therefore awarded a scented ‘no butts about it’ sticker. The smell of fanny will stain you fingers.

Day Fourteen:

17. You should have over one thousand words by this time. If you don’t and have the loch ness monster of the literary world, (writer’s block), then give up immediately. Go with something easier, like sculpting.

Day Fifteen:

18. Submit your work to a public venue. Become 89% more paranoid. Doubt your creativity and talent while panicking about other people reading your terrible filth. Take it out on a small child, no older than three, lest they remember it and ruin you credibility when you become a mega-super-Godzilla-sized published writer.

Some Day, anywhere from Day Sixteen To Day One Hundred And Sixteen:

19. Someone comments that you really seem to have something actually readable. Thank them without getting profuse. Comment on others’ works with a secret haughty manner, because you are a super-rad talented author. You know this because WaLLfLoWer454 said so, as well as zootsuitguy and his friend xXhagaKurexX.

The rest of your days:

20. Continue along this path I have laid out for you. Eventually something will come along that is less than horrible, but also less than good. Latch onto this, as it may be the best you ever get. Dispense kind critique to those less talented and harsh critique to those more popular than you.

21. Grow remarkably bitter.