HOME | DD

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

It was the way he played that captivated you at first. His drives were fast and he always finishes them strong if not with an assist. After just watching one game of Teikou's basketball team, you did your best to know more about that player who wears number four on his jersey.

You then learned his name, "Nijimura... Shuzo," you smiled inwardly as you tried his name on your lips. After his name, you learned his year and even his freakin' schedule. You found out that his birthday is on the tenth of July and that he likes fried rice. It took a lot of effort to dig up information about him while being discreet at the same time, but you were sure it was all worth it.

You had learned that he had rejected every other girl who had confessed to him. Some rumors were actually flying around that he might actually be interested in guys. Of course you didn't believe them. Like how could he be? And besides those rumors started from some third years who had nothing better to do anyway.

A classmate of yours had experienced his rejection and was even generous enough to share it.

"He said it would be rather unfair cause he's always super busy and basketball takes up most of his time..." she said, "And know what? He thinks he's not worthy of such affections!"

She didn't sound upset. Did she actually like him? Was she even serious with her confession? You did your best not to express your contempt with the girl. Maybe she was just hiding it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, _______.

Still, you felt thrilled with the piece of information. He's modest. But then again, there's another rumor flying around that he might actually be dating someone secretly. You refused to believe that rumor. They're just rumors...

As time went by, you found yourself getting deeper and deeper with your attraction towards your senpai. You found it cute how he moves his upper lip which he unconsciously does when he's annoyed. You had even noticed it how he had always kept his fringe short. Having them reach his eyes must be annoying, so it was very much understandable why he'd keep them short. You had even noticed that he has a pair of basketball shoes that he only uses during official matches.

But Nijimura Shuzo had always seemed unreachable. He's the captain of the strongest basketball team in middle school level. And he's your senpai. There's just this kind of air that surrounded him that made him seem even more unreachable than he already is.

You turned into another of his secret admirers without you even noticing it.

He's unreachable, you had always thought. But there were times when Nijimura Shuzo, seemed to have stepped down to be within your reach.

-------

Your teacher had asked you to take the papers to the faculty room. Really, being the class representative also means being an errand girl. The stack of paper was quite high, almost three-fourths the size of a ruler. You walked as fast and as carefully as you could. Unfortunately, a student bumped you—

"Careful there," a deep male voice you know so well said while two hands managed to support the stack of paper as his body blocked the papers that threatened to fall forward and scatter all over the floor. His calloused hands were right under yours and you could've died of happiness right there and then.

"N-Nijimura-senpai?" you blurted out staring up at him. He just gave you a carefree smile as he helped you make sure the papers were stacked properly as you carried them.

"Well, er, I can help you carry that...?" he said letting go while straightening his back.

"N-No, it's fine—" you didn't even get to finish before he took half of the papers.

"Yeah, yeah it's fine... No need to be shy really," he replied nonchalantly. He started walking; you caught up to him careful not to walk too close. "So, you're bringing these to the faculty?"

"Y-yes," you cursed inwardly for always stuttering. Though, you can't really help it because Nijimura Shuzo finally seemed that he was within your reach. Shaking the thought away, you just focused at the task at hand which was well, going to the faculty room with your senpai who was also your secret crush.

"You're the class rep?"

"Yeah,"

He chuckled, "I see, sometimes it really sucks,"

"Yeah," you answered absent-mindedly still not believing the fact that the Nijimura Shuzo was indeed talking to you.

After that little conversation, the walk to the faculty room however, was spent in silence. Definitely not the way you imagined your first encounter with Nijimura-senpai would be. Your heart beat like crazy and you did your best to fight the smile that was creeping on your face. When you reached the faculty room, your heart sank. It meant that he'll be out of your reach again.

"Thank you, Nijimura-senpai," you said with a bow after putting the papers on your teacher's desk.

"Yeah, no problem," he replied smiling a little. He turned on his heels then walked away. You didn't want him to leave yet... You wanted him to stay and spend more time with him. As much time as possible... You never know when you'll get the chance to be alone with your senpai again.

"Senpai!" you called him without even thinking. Nijimura looked back at you, eyes filled with anticipation. Sadly, it was just a spur of moment that you didn't really have anything else to tell him. You overclocked your brains searching for any words to say that wouldn't embarrass you in front of your precious senpai.

"Good luck! O-on your next game." what the heck were you saying? His team didn't need luck, but you had to commend yourself that time for knowing the schedule of the basketball team. Gosh, I sound like a stalker. Well, weren't you?

The moment he flashed you a full-blown smile, you concluded that being a stalker wasn't so bad.

"Thanks!" he replied still with that smile. It made you feel warm. That smile was meant for you. Only for you.

That was the first time when there was the illusion that maybe... He wasn't as unreachable as you always thought.

-----------

You did your best to convince yourself that there was nothing special about Nijimura helping you. Absolutely nothing. He was just being nice; there's no need to jump to conclusions just with that. You could even bet it on your life that he didn't know your name.

Of course, who are you anyway? That he would bother knowing your name. You were just another irrelevant kouhai who looks up to him so much it had gotten unhealthy. You heaved a sigh. Stop being pessimistic!

It's called being realistic. You groaned inwardly for your internal struggle. It was already dismissal and you were walking along the corridors quietly lost in your own thoughts- mostly centered on Nijimura Shuzo. You heaved yet another sigh.

I should really stop this unhealthy obsession. You should. It's hopeless anyway. He's so good-looking that he probably was dating some beautiful girl anyway. Maybe the rumors were really true. Maybe he really was already dating a girl who’s gorgeous enough to even be a model. I'm not even that beautiful. I'm unremarkable; I don't stand out. Perhaps Senpai will never notice me— You chided yourself for being so pessimistic or realistic- whatever it is.

Expectations lead to heartbreak.

Damn it! Since when did I become this pessimistic? You mentally slapped yourself, and then you stopped walking and did it literally. Stop being so negative! When you looked in front, you saw Nijimura Shuzo standing there giving you a skeptical look.

"S-S-Senpai?!" you stuttered feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Of all the people... Why him? You wanted to slap yourself again for doing something so weird in front of Nijimura.

"Ah no, I'm not judging you or anything," his lips formed a small smile while amusement was evident in his voice. "Well, everybody has that time when," — he chuckled —"You know, they wanna slap their selves or something," after that he suppressed a laugh. But right there and then, all the thoughts about stopping your “unhealthy obsession with Nijimura Shuzo” all faded away, gone and forgotten.

You’d love to hear him laugh. Even if at the expense of your embarrassment.

“Even Senpai?” you asked trying to extend the conversation as long as you can. He looked amused with your question.

“Yeah, except it’s punching in my case,” he laughed. Finally. You couldn’t help but let out a small laughter of your own. His laughter was precious.

“Nijimura-san, ______-san,” you both turned to the owner of the voice- it was the vice-captain of Teikou’s basketball team- Akashi Seijuro.

“You know me?” you blurted out then covered your mouth with your hands as soon as the last word escaped your mouth. It was really a surprise that he actually knew your name. The redhead was another of the “unreachables” in your school after all.

Great, another display of stupidity in front of Senpai. You just wanted to bang your head against the wall for being such a huge embarrassment.

“Well, we’ve had our music class together, ______-san,” Akashi replied.

“Oh,” was the only thing that escaped your lips. You heard yet another chuckle coming from Nijimura’s direction. Who would’ve thought that making him laugh (chuckle, whatever) was so easy? He always seemed so serious and mature that really found the new piece of information fascinating.

“Nijimura-san,” Akashi shared a look with Nijimura and the two of them seemed to have a silent agreement as they just nodded at each other. A captain and vice-captain thing? The red-eyed first year looked at you, “See you around, ______-san,”

“Y-Yeah-”

“See ya, ______,” Nijimura cut your hardly audible voice off. You froze on your spot. Did he really just? The two guys had left already but your head was still in a daze. Nijimura Shuzo, the captain of Teikou’s basketball team who had gained fame even outside the school, just uttered your name. You were probably overreacting over something so simple, but who cares? Though he probably just got it from Akashi right at that time (bless you Akashi, you and your sharp memory) but then again, who cares? Nobody. You didn’t even care, why would anybody do? All you knew was that Nijimura now know the name of another entity that was secretly crushing on him from a distance.

And that entity just happened to be you.

_______

“S-Senpai?” you carefully eyed the guy who was leaning against the railings. His back was towards you but you had stared at that back long enough to be able to know that person without him having to face you. You half-expected to see someone when you went to the rooftop. You had imagined Nijimura to be there, but didn’t expect him to actually be there.

The male turned and still leaned his back against the railing, “Ahh, it’s you… Akashi’s classmate,”

“We’re not exactly classmates,” you corrected him.

“Music classmate,” he said a playful grin gracing his lips. What have I done to deserve this? While it shouldn’t be pleasant that he had labeled you to be simply “Akashi’s Music Classmate” you still didn’t mind. It’s not every day that the person you like would talk to you; who were you to even complain?

“Am I disturbing you? I could just leave—”

“No worries, you aren’t. Just stay if you want to, not like I own the place,” he shrugged then turned again and leaned his arms against the railing. You wanted to stay. That was the obvious choice. But a part of you told you to just leave for no apparent reason.

But it would be a waste of energy if I don't stay after going up to the rooftop and all... Standing firm with that reasoning, you walked towards him and also leaned against the railing making sure there was enough space between you.

It felt awkward. Hella awkward, but you still didn't want to leave the place just yet. Not now that Nijimura Shuzo was there.

"You know," you tensed up when he spoke definitely not expecting him to strike a conversation, "I sometimes go here when I want to be alone and think or something,"

Was he indirectly telling you to leave?

"Don't get the wrong idea though, I'm not telling you to leave," he added as if reading your thoughts, "Just saying, I guess..."

You found yourself relaxing after hearing how casual and nonchalant he sounded. He wasn't the scary and strict captain. That air of authority that seemed to always surround him wasn't present; that moment, he was just Nijimura. You didn't want to be delusional, but heck, he felt so near. Figuratively, of course.

You decided to just say something too.

"I..." you cleared your throat, "I don't really go here often, always too lazy to move around," you laughed softly. He actually chuckled at that.

"What brings you here then?"

"I don't know," you shrugged glancing at him. "Just saying too, I guess."

Nijimura didn't say anything for a couple of seconds that you had decided to look at him. You just didn't expect him to be looking at you. When your eyes met, you almost looked away. But you didn't. His stormy gray eyes are one of the things you like about him. His chin rested against his palm, he was smiling at you.

Goodness... Why Nijimura-senpai, why? Why did he have to be so attractive?

"W-what is it, Senpai?" you asked curiosity getting the best of you why he deemed you worthy of his smile.

"Oh nothing," he exhaled loudly through his nose seeming all amused with the situation. "Nothing, really..."

You found yourself frowning slightly with his answer. He had broken the eye contact between you and looked over at the horizon. Nothing? His sense of humor was quite shallow but that moment, he made his self look like an enigma to you. You didn't know why he was smiling, but all you know was that you shouldn't look too much into it.

Expectations lead to heartbreak.

You didn't need another reminder; your conscience seemed to think otherwise.

That statement might be true... But not always, right?

"Senpai," you wanted to take back what you just said. Curse me for speaking before thinking.

"Hm?" you could feel his eyes on you. He must be looking expectantly at you. You made the big mistake of looking at him. Indeed, he was really looking at you, but with a soft smile. Nijimura looked so calm and gentle. Well, he looked calm most of the time but definitely not gentle.

"N-Nothing!" you quickly averted your gaze no longer capable of staring back into his intense gray eyes.

He laughed, "Relax, _________, I don't bite,"

Oh he doesn't bite, alright? Nijimura Shuzo punches, kicks and beats up the hell out of the unfortunate soul. You knew this much, but that fact just made him more attractive to you. You had even learned that he used to be a delinquent, he dyed his hair blonde and he badmouths his upperclassmen. But you just found yourself getting more and more interested in him. Sure he’s an ex-delinquent, but that just meant that he changed. Obviously, for the better. You didn’t mind his not-so colorful past.

Love is blind. Wait—love? Since when did you even consider your attraction as "love"?

"Sorry," you muttered under your breath.

"What for?"

"I don't know..."

"That's kinda weird," he replied his voice so soft, "Nonetheless, apology accepted,"

That made you look at him. Eyebrow raised, you made eye contact with him giving him the 'seriously?' look.

"Now, don't look at me like that, you're the one who apologized," he was smiling, carefree. Nijimura finally looked like his age. He had always looked to mature for his age, but when he's smiling like that... Not only does it make him even more attractive than he already is, but it also makes him look like the young teenager that he really is.

"Whatever," you replied playfully. Saying that, however, made you worry that you might seem too familiar with him. You barely know each other— wait, scratch that, he barely knew you while you knew so much about him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he echoed in the same playful tone. Much to your relief, he didn't seem to mind. Heck, he even gave off this amiable aura that he didn't look so distant anymore. "You're kinda weird,"

"Pardon?" you frowned.

"But it's fine, everybody is... In their own way," he returned his gaze to the horizon and so did you.

"I'm not sure how to feel,"

"Be glad, weird is not necessarily bad," he laughed.

"Okay," you smiled.

What if Senpai really was just within my reach?

--------

You didn't talk often with Nijimura. But when you pass by each other and your gazes meet, you offer each other a smile. It always made your day when his lips would curl into a small smile when your eyes would meet.

It had become a part of your everyday life to receive a smile from Nijimura Shuzo. Were you just very lucky or what?

------------

During your second year in Teikou, you met him again at the rooftop. Like before, he was leaning against the railing with his back towards you. Unlike the last time, you didn't say anything as you also leaned against the railing.

"It took me a while..." he said.

"Hm?" your eyes were fixated on the horizon but he must have glanced at you to know his intruder.

"Before making that decision..." he still wasn't making much sense to you. You thought for a moment what could he be referring to.

"By decision do you mean..." you trailed off hoping for him to finish.

"Passing my captaincy to Akashi this early,"

"Ahh, I was kinda surprised," you replied. You were really surprised that time; you had always thought he was an amazing captain. It had been months since that happened. But who would've thought that you'll be having a serious conversation with Nijimura?

"Guess most people was," he chuckled, "It was rather sudden. Though I always knew they'll surpass me... It's kinda frustrating,"

You didn't know how to respond. What to say. Or maybe Nijimura just wanted to tell somebody about it... Maybe he wasn't expecting you to say something. Still you felt somewhat happy to see another side of him. He gets frustrated. Of course, he's just another normal human being.

"Then be glad, you're normal." you said not even sure what you were saying.

He snorted a laugh, "So much glad," the remark almost sounded sarcastic. "But it makes me kinda proud too, y'know? Like, I could look back and say, I once led these geniuses,"

"You're amazing," you said. It wasn't like you were trying to console him or something (it's a hundred too early for you to even dream about that) he was simply amazing and you had the urge to say it.

"Are you trying to cheer me up or somethin'?" he sounded nonchalant. Sometimes, Nijimura just have this air of indifference around him, like nothing could ever make him lose his bearing.

"Nope, you're simply amazing," you shook your head.

"Wow, thanks, I guess..."

Silence passed. You rested your head on arms that was on the railings facing him. His hair was longer; his fringe almost reaching his eyes. You knew how he always keeps his fringe short. He didn't ever let them even reach his eyebrows before. His new look didn't make him any less attractive. What could even make him any less attractive?

"Your hair's longer, Senpai," you said breaking the silence. What could've caused him to make him decide to grow his fringe? You’ve heard him complain about it before how he hated it when it grows too long. It was that time when he was too busy to even get a haircut. You didn’t really intend to eavesdrop… You were just passing by that time… You just passed by while intently listening to every word he said.

"Think I should cut it?" he asked looking at you.

"Dunno," you were actually starting to like his long hair, "Up to you... Maybe you should..."

He played with his fringe with his fingers, "Guess I should, it's starting to get annoying,"

It still didn't feel real. Talking to him so casually like you were good friends. The thought made you feel warm inside.

"Yeah, take it from your kouhai," you replied smiling. Though you were starting to really like his longer fringe, it still wouldn't be so bad to have his old look back. At least you'd be able to say that you once told Nijimura Shuzo to get a haircut and he did.

"I understand, almighty kouhai," his voice was mocking but playful. You blinked at him once, twice... Not believing your ears. "Oh why are you not speaking, almighty kouhai?" that time, a playful grin was already on his lips.

You laughed softly, "What was that, Senpai? I'm not almighty."

"Whatever, I'll just take your advice,"

-------

Sure enough, Nijimura's ever familiar short fringe was back the week after your meeting at the rooftop. When you passed by the hallways for the first time after his haircut, instead of a smile, he offered you a smirk.

You just shook your head with a smile. Now you could really say that you told Nijimura to get a haircut and he really did... Well, not like you'd say it to anyone anyway.

----------

You had been thinking about confessing. But you couldn't just find the right timing... Should you do it on his graduation? Or maybe next time you meet? Confessing is no joke... It could either break the frail connection you have with him or make it stronger. You were almost a hundred percent sure it's not the latter. Maybe you should just forget about confessing then forget about those feelings after Nijimura graduates.

How about you just toss a coin? If it's heads, you'll confess and if it's not, then bye-bye fickle feelings, Senpai will never know you exist. That must be the most stupid idea you had but you still went on with it.

You tossed a coin, caught it with your hand then placed it on your arm with your hand still covering it. Slowly but surely, you lifted your hand to have a good look at it.

Tails.

It's bye-bye fickle feelings... Senpai will never...

You felt disappointed. You wanted him to know. You wanted Nijimura Shuzo to know how you're crazy for him. Deep inside, you knew you just wanted someone or something, push you and encourage you to confess. But the coin had spoken.

Maybe it's much better this way.

You picked up your things then went straight home that day while convincing yourself that not confessing was the right thing to do.

When you got home, you quickly changed in your room then decided to go online to distract yourself. You opened a social networking site and the first thing you saw was a friend's post,

"Which regret is worse? Regretting something you did or regretting something you did not do?"

You closed the tab and turned your laptop off. That was not a distraction in any way. But which is really worse?

-------------

The third years had retired from the basketball club. You won't see Nijimura play again wearing his jersey... Well, maybe you could just watch him in high school? With this skills, he'll surely be able to make it the regulars even as a first year. Maybe you were giving him too much credit but you didn't care. For you, Nijimura Shuzo was the best basketball player.

As if it some kind of work of the fate, you met him again at the rooftop. Only that time, it was you who got there first. You almost choked on your own saliva when you looked to your right and saw him there.

"Senpai," you said acknowledging his presence.

"_________,"

"Guess, I wouldn't see you play again for a while," you joked though your statement was true. He seemed taken aback by your 'joke'.

"Nah, you might not see me play again," he replied smiling. You were sure it was a sad smile. What you weren't sure about though was why he had been looking stressed the past months. His skin had been paler and the bags under his eyes were more visible. There were even times when you'll catch him staring off into space with a lost look on his face. Something he's never done before. Was something bothering him?

"Y-you're quitting?" you had to ask. Was he going to stop playing? But why?

"What, no! Not because of that. I'll die first before I could stop playing basketball," he laughed. The atmosphere felt lighter. Nijimura was really good at making you feel comfortable. Sure your heart beat crazy fast when he's around but you didn't feel awkward or embarrassed anymore. He simply had this big brother feeling to him. But of course being your big brother wasn't the one you wanted him to be.

"Then why? I-if it's fine with you to share," he paused for a moment before answering you. He seemed to have an internal conflict whether he should tell you or not as his forehead creased.

"My family's going to America," he said. "Don't know if we'll move back here in Japan,"

With that statement you felt your whole world crumble. He's going to the other side of the globe. He'll be completely unreachable again. You won't see his face again nor will you hear his voice, his laughter. Nijimura would be very far from you. Your eyes felt heavy.

I'm not crying.

He would just be gone... You'll just not see him. You'll just not hear his voice. He just wouldn't smile for you again, and you just wouldn't return those smiles. Probably, you wouldn't even keep in touch. The chances of being with him would just dramatically drop. Maybe he'd just find a beautiful girl in America and date her. Then maybe he'd just be happy with his life there and forget about you. Just those will and might happen. It was nothing to cry for. That reason wasn't worth your tears...

Oh who were you kidding?

The hopes of seeing him play in high school and maybe even cheer for him again were all crushed. You found it hard to breathe. Your chest tightened.

"____________?" concern laced his voice as you felt his hand on your shoulder.

"Huh?"

"W-why are you crying?" you looked at him and worry was etched on his features. Damn it. Why did you have to cry?

"N-Nothing it's just--" you didn't finish your sentence as you wiped your eyes.

"It can't be just nothing..." he leaned in closer trying to get a good look on you. Please don't... Don't worry too much or I might...

"Hey," he shook you lightly. Then you lost it...

"B-Because I've... always," your voice broke, "Liked you Nijimura-senpai..."

Now, you've said it. You confessed. You told him. You defied what the coin had said. Screw that coin. He retracted his hand from you; he took a step back.

"Y-You what?" he blurted out bewildered with your sudden confession.

You covered your face with your hands. Confessing while shedding ugly tears... Way to go my pathetic self, but you couldn't stop now, "I've always, always liked you... Even before you knew I exist..."

He didn't say anything. You heard him sigh. Peeking between your fingers, you saw him rubbing his temples. Was he going to reject you now?

"__________, I..." he trailed off. You wished he would just say it already. The suspense was killing you. If he was going to reject you then you wished he'd do it quickly. "It won't work out... Forget about it..."

You let your hands fall to your sides staring up at him. His expression was unreadable you could only wonder how he really felt. It wasn't the answer you expected.

"T-That's not a proper answer..." you said so soft it was almost a whisper, "Does Nijimura-senpai like me or not?" you had already confessed. Your fragile connection with him couldn't have been cut more than you already had. What else was there to lose?

His brows furrowed, his lips pursed tightly into a thin line. His stormy gray eyes looked intently at you that it made your heart race. A second passed, then two... And three. He breathed in then out...

"I... I don't," he shifted his eyes to his side, "Sorry,"

"I see,"

He left you wordlessly to your own. You dropped on the floor your legs giving up under you...

I shouldn’t have… No...I regret nothing...

It wasn't your fault. It really wasn't. It wasn't your fault your precious Senpai didn't like you back. But at least you told him...? Now you could just regret it because surely, you won’t talk to him again, smile at him nor look at him again. You’ll just be back to being his admirer who loves to watch him from afar.

Maybe he really was never within your reach...

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

It was the way he played that captivated you at first. His drives were fast and he always finishes them strong if not with an assist. After just watching one game of Teikou's basketball team, you did your best to know more about that player who wears number four on his jersey.

You then learned his name, "Nijimura... Shuzo," you smiled inwardly as you tried his name on your lips. After his name, you learned his year and even his freakin' schedule. You found out that his birthday is on the tenth of July and that he likes fried rice. It took a lot of effort to dig up information about him while being discreet at the same time, but you were sure it was all worth it.

You had learned that he had rejected every other girl who had confessed to him. Some rumors were actually flying around that he might actually be interested in guys. Of course you didn't believe them. Like how could he be? And besides those rumors started from some third years who had nothing better to do anyway.

A classmate of yours had experienced his rejection and was even generous enough to share it.

"He said it would be rather unfair cause he's always super busy and basketball takes up most of his time..." she said, "And know what? He thinks he's not worthy of such affections!"

She didn't sound upset. Did she actually like him? Was she even serious with her confession? You did your best not to express your contempt with the girl. Maybe she was just hiding it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, _______.

Still, you felt thrilled with the piece of information. He's modest. But then again, there's another rumor flying around that he might actually be dating someone secretly. You refused to believe that rumor. They're just rumors...

As time went by, you found yourself getting deeper and deeper with your attraction towards your senpai. You found it cute how he moves his upper lip which he unconsciously does when he's annoyed. You had even noticed it how he had always kept his fringe short. Having them reach his eyes must be annoying, so it was very much understandable why he'd keep them short. You had even noticed that he has a pair of basketball shoes that he only uses during official matches.

But Nijimura Shuzo had always seemed unreachable. He's the captain of the strongest basketball team in middle school level. And he's your senpai. There's just this kind of air that surrounded him that made him seem even more unreachable than he already is.

You turned into another of his secret admirers without you even noticing it.

He's unreachable, you had always thought. But there were times when Nijimura Shuzo, seemed to have stepped down to be within your reach.

-------

Your teacher had asked you to take the papers to the faculty room. Really, being the class representative also means being an errand girl. The stack of paper was quite high, almost three-fourths the size of a ruler. You walked as fast and as carefully as you could. Unfortunately, a student bumped you—

"Careful there," a deep male voice you know so well said while two hands managed to support the stack of paper as his body blocked the papers that threatened to fall forward and scatter all over the floor. His calloused hands were right under yours and you could've died of happiness right there and then.

"N-Nijimura-senpai?" you blurted out staring up at him. He just gave you a carefree smile as he helped you make sure the papers were stacked properly as you carried them.

"Well, er, I can help you carry that...?" he said letting go while straightening his back.

"N-No, it's fine—" you didn't even get to finish before he took half of the papers.

"Yeah, yeah it's fine... No need to be shy really," he replied nonchalantly. He started walking; you caught up to him careful not to walk too close. "So, you're bringing these to the faculty?"

"Y-yes," you cursed inwardly for always stuttering. Though, you can't really help it because Nijimura Shuzo finally seemed that he was within your reach. Shaking the thought away, you just focused at the task at hand which was well, going to the faculty room with your senpai who was also your secret crush.

"You're the class rep?"

"Yeah,"

He chuckled, "I see, sometimes it really sucks,"

"Yeah," you answered absent-mindedly still not believing the fact that the Nijimura Shuzo was indeed talking to you.

After that little conversation, the walk to the faculty room however, was spent in silence. Definitely not the way you imagined your first encounter with Nijimura-senpai would be. Your heart beat like crazy and you did your best to fight the smile that was creeping on your face. When you reached the faculty room, your heart sank. It meant that he'll be out of your reach again.

"Thank you, Nijimura-senpai," you said with a bow after putting the papers on your teacher's desk.

"Yeah, no problem," he replied smiling a little. He turned on his heels then walked away. You didn't want him to leave yet... You wanted him to stay and spend more time with him. As much time as possible... You never know when you'll get the chance to be alone with your senpai again.

"Senpai!" you called him without even thinking. Nijimura looked back at you, eyes filled with anticipation. Sadly, it was just a spur of moment that you didn't really have anything else to tell him. You overclocked your brains searching for any words to say that wouldn't embarrass you in front of your precious senpai.

"Good luck! O-on your next game." what the heck were you saying? His team didn't need luck, but you had to commend yourself that time for knowing the schedule of the basketball team. Gosh, I sound like a stalker. Well, weren't you?

The moment he flashed you a full-blown smile, you concluded that being a stalker wasn't so bad.

"Thanks!" he replied still with that smile. It made you feel warm. That smile was meant for you. Only for you.

That was the first time when there was the illusion that maybe... He wasn't as unreachable as you always thought.

-----------

You did your best to convince yourself that there was nothing special about Nijimura helping you. Absolutely nothing. He was just being nice; there's no need to jump to conclusions just with that. You could even bet it on your life that he didn't know your name.

Of course, who are you anyway? That he would bother knowing your name. You were just another irrelevant kouhai who looks up to him so much it had gotten unhealthy. You heaved a sigh. Stop being pessimistic!

It's called being realistic. You groaned inwardly for your internal struggle. It was already dismissal and you were walking along the corridors quietly lost in your own thoughts- mostly centered on Nijimura Shuzo. You heaved yet another sigh.

I should really stop this unhealthy obsession. You should. It's hopeless anyway. He's so good-looking that he probably was dating some beautiful girl anyway. Maybe the rumors were really true. Maybe he really was already dating a girl who’s gorgeous enough to even be a model. I'm not even that beautiful. I'm unremarkable; I don't stand out. Perhaps Senpai will never notice me— You chided yourself for being so pessimistic or realistic- whatever it is.

Expectations lead to heartbreak.

Damn it! Since when did I become this pessimistic? You mentally slapped yourself, and then you stopped walking and did it literally. Stop being so negative! When you looked in front, you saw Nijimura Shuzo standing there giving you a skeptical look.

"S-S-Senpai?!" you stuttered feeling your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Of all the people... Why him? You wanted to slap yourself again for doing something so weird in front of Nijimura.

"Ah no, I'm not judging you or anything," his lips formed a small smile while amusement was evident in his voice. "Well, everybody has that time when," — he chuckled —"You know, they wanna slap their selves or something," after that he suppressed a laugh. But right there and then, all the thoughts about stopping your “unhealthy obsession with Nijimura Shuzo” all faded away, gone and forgotten.

You’d love to hear him laugh. Even if at the expense of your embarrassment.

“Even Senpai?” you asked trying to extend the conversation as long as you can. He looked amused with your question.

“Yeah, except it’s punching in my case,” he laughed. Finally. You couldn’t help but let out a small laughter of your own. His laughter was precious.

“Nijimura-san, ______-san,” you both turned to the owner of the voice- it was the vice-captain of Teikou’s basketball team- Akashi Seijuro.

“You know me?” you blurted out then covered your mouth with your hands as soon as the last word escaped your mouth. It was really a surprise that he actually knew your name. The redhead was another of the “unreachables” in your school after all.

Great, another display of stupidity in front of Senpai. You just wanted to bang your head against the wall for being such a huge embarrassment.

“Well, we’ve had our music class together, ______-san,” Akashi replied.

“Oh,” was the only thing that escaped your lips. You heard yet another chuckle coming from Nijimura’s direction. Who would’ve thought that making him laugh (chuckle, whatever) was so easy? He always seemed so serious and mature that really found the new piece of information fascinating.

“Nijimura-san,” Akashi shared a look with Nijimura and the two of them seemed to have a silent agreement as they just nodded at each other. A captain and vice-captain thing? The red-eyed first year looked at you, “See you around, ______-san,”

“Y-Yeah-”

“See ya, ______,” Nijimura cut your hardly audible voice off. You froze on your spot. Did he really just? The two guys had left already but your head was still in a daze. Nijimura Shuzo, the captain of Teikou’s basketball team who had gained fame even outside the school, just uttered your name. You were probably overreacting over something so simple, but who cares? Though he probably just got it from Akashi right at that time (bless you Akashi, you and your sharp memory) but then again, who cares? Nobody. You didn’t even care, why would anybody do? All you knew was that Nijimura now know the name of another entity that was secretly crushing on him from a distance.

And that entity just happened to be you.

_______

“S-Senpai?” you carefully eyed the guy who was leaning against the railings. His back was towards you but you had stared at that back long enough to be able to know that person without him having to face you. You half-expected to see someone when you went to the rooftop. You had imagined Nijimura to be there, but didn’t expect him to actually be there.

The male turned and still leaned his back against the railing, “Ahh, it’s you… Akashi’s classmate,”

“We’re not exactly classmates,” you corrected him.

“Music classmate,” he said a playful grin gracing his lips. What have I done to deserve this? While it shouldn’t be pleasant that he had labeled you to be simply “Akashi’s Music Classmate” you still didn’t mind. It’s not every day that the person you like would talk to you; who were you to even complain?

“Am I disturbing you? I could just leave—”

“No worries, you aren’t. Just stay if you want to, not like I own the place,” he shrugged then turned again and leaned his arms against the railing. You wanted to stay. That was the obvious choice. But a part of you told you to just leave for no apparent reason.

But it would be a waste of energy if I don't stay after going up to the rooftop and all... Standing firm with that reasoning, you walked towards him and also leaned against the railing making sure there was enough space between you.

It felt awkward. Hella awkward, but you still didn't want to leave the place just yet. Not now that Nijimura Shuzo was there.

"You know," you tensed up when he spoke definitely not expecting him to strike a conversation, "I sometimes go here when I want to be alone and think or something,"

Was he indirectly telling you to leave?

"Don't get the wrong idea though, I'm not telling you to leave," he added as if reading your thoughts, "Just saying, I guess..."

You found yourself relaxing after hearing how casual and nonchalant he sounded. He wasn't the scary and strict captain. That air of authority that seemed to always surround him wasn't present; that moment, he was just Nijimura. You didn't want to be delusional, but heck, he felt so near. Figuratively, of course.

You decided to just say something too.

"I..." you cleared your throat, "I don't really go here often, always too lazy to move around," you laughed softly. He actually chuckled at that.

"What brings you here then?"

"I don't know," you shrugged glancing at him. "Just saying too, I guess."

Nijimura didn't say anything for a couple of seconds that you had decided to look at him. You just didn't expect him to be looking at you. When your eyes met, you almost looked away. But you didn't. His stormy gray eyes are one of the things you like about him. His chin rested against his palm, he was smiling at you.

Goodness... Why Nijimura-senpai, why? Why did he have to be so attractive?

"W-what is it, Senpai?" you asked curiosity getting the best of you why he deemed you worthy of his smile.

"Oh nothing," he exhaled loudly through his nose seeming all amused with the situation. "Nothing, really..."

You found yourself frowning slightly with his answer. He had broken the eye contact between you and looked over at the horizon. Nothing? His sense of humor was quite shallow but that moment, he made his self look like an enigma to you. You didn't know why he was smiling, but all you know was that you shouldn't look too much into it.

Expectations lead to heartbreak.

You didn't need another reminder; your conscience seemed to think otherwise.

That statement might be true... But not always, right?

"Senpai," you wanted to take back what you just said. Curse me for speaking before thinking.

"Hm?" you could feel his eyes on you. He must be looking expectantly at you. You made the big mistake of looking at him. Indeed, he was really looking at you, but with a soft smile. Nijimura looked so calm and gentle. Well, he looked calm most of the time but definitely not gentle.

"N-Nothing!" you quickly averted your gaze no longer capable of staring back into his intense gray eyes.

He laughed, "Relax, _________, I don't bite,"

Oh he doesn't bite, alright? Nijimura Shuzo punches, kicks and beats up the hell out of the unfortunate soul. You knew this much, but that fact just made him more attractive to you. You had even learned that he used to be a delinquent, he dyed his hair blonde and he badmouths his upperclassmen. But you just found yourself getting more and more interested in him. Sure he’s an ex-delinquent, but that just meant that he changed. Obviously, for the better. You didn’t mind his not-so colorful past.

Love is blind. Wait—love? Since when did you even consider your attraction as "love"?

"Sorry," you muttered under your breath.

"What for?"

"I don't know..."

"That's kinda weird," he replied his voice so soft, "Nonetheless, apology accepted,"

That made you look at him. Eyebrow raised, you made eye contact with him giving him the 'seriously?' look.

"Now, don't look at me like that, you're the one who apologized," he was smiling, carefree. Nijimura finally looked like his age. He had always looked to mature for his age, but when he's smiling like that... Not only does it make him even more attractive than he already is, but it also makes him look like the young teenager that he really is.

"Whatever," you replied playfully. Saying that, however, made you worry that you might seem too familiar with him. You barely know each other— wait, scratch that, he barely knew you while you knew so much about him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he echoed in the same playful tone. Much to your relief, he didn't seem to mind. Heck, he even gave off this amiable aura that he didn't look so distant anymore. "You're kinda weird,"

"Pardon?" you frowned.

"But it's fine, everybody is... In their own way," he returned his gaze to the horizon and so did you.

"I'm not sure how to feel,"

"Be glad, weird is not necessarily bad," he laughed.

"Okay," you smiled.

What if Senpai really was just within my reach?

--------

You didn't talk often with Nijimura. But when you pass by each other and your gazes meet, you offer each other a smile. It always made your day when his lips would curl into a small smile when your eyes would meet.

It had become a part of your everyday life to receive a smile from Nijimura Shuzo. Were you just very lucky or what?

------------

During your second year in Teikou, you met him again at the rooftop. Like before, he was leaning against the railing with his back towards you. Unlike the last time, you didn't say anything as you also leaned against the railing.

"It took me a while..." he said.

"Hm?" your eyes were fixated on the horizon but he must have glanced at you to know his intruder.

"Before making that decision..." he still wasn't making much sense to you. You thought for a moment what could he be referring to.

"By decision do you mean..." you trailed off hoping for him to finish.

"Passing my captaincy to Akashi this early,"

"Ahh, I was kinda surprised," you replied. You were really surprised that time; you had always thought he was an amazing captain. It had been months since that happened. But who would've thought that you'll be having a serious conversation with Nijimura?

"Guess most people was," he chuckled, "It was rather sudden. Though I always knew they'll surpass me... It's kinda frustrating,"

You didn't know how to respond. What to say. Or maybe Nijimura just wanted to tell somebody about it... Maybe he wasn't expecting you to say something. Still you felt somewhat happy to see another side of him. He gets frustrated. Of course, he's just another normal human being.

"Then be glad, you're normal." you said not even sure what you were saying.

He snorted a laugh, "So much glad," the remark almost sounded sarcastic. "But it makes me kinda proud too, y'know? Like, I could look back and say, I once led these geniuses,"

"You're amazing," you said. It wasn't like you were trying to console him or something (it's a hundred too early for you to even dream about that) he was simply amazing and you had the urge to say it.

"Are you trying to cheer me up or somethin'?" he sounded nonchalant. Sometimes, Nijimura just have this air of indifference around him, like nothing could ever make him lose his bearing.

"Nope, you're simply amazing," you shook your head.

"Wow, thanks, I guess..."

Silence passed. You rested your head on arms that was on the railings facing him. His hair was longer; his fringe almost reaching his eyes. You knew how he always keeps his fringe short. He didn't ever let them even reach his eyebrows before. His new look didn't make him any less attractive. What could even make him any less attractive?

"Your hair's longer, Senpai," you said breaking the silence. What could've caused him to make him decide to grow his fringe? You’ve heard him complain about it before how he hated it when it grows too long. It was that time when he was too busy to even get a haircut. You didn’t really intend to eavesdrop… You were just passing by that time… You just passed by while intently listening to every word he said.

"Think I should cut it?" he asked looking at you.

"Dunno," you were actually starting to like his long hair, "Up to you... Maybe you should..."

He played with his fringe with his fingers, "Guess I should, it's starting to get annoying,"

It still didn't feel real. Talking to him so casually like you were good friends. The thought made you feel warm inside.

"Yeah, take it from your kouhai," you replied smiling. Though you were starting to really like his longer fringe, it still wouldn't be so bad to have his old look back. At least you'd be able to say that you once told Nijimura Shuzo to get a haircut and he did.

"I understand, almighty kouhai," his voice was mocking but playful. You blinked at him once, twice... Not believing your ears. "Oh why are you not speaking, almighty kouhai?" that time, a playful grin was already on his lips.

You laughed softly, "What was that, Senpai? I'm not almighty."

"Whatever, I'll just take your advice,"

-------

Sure enough, Nijimura's ever familiar short fringe was back the week after your meeting at the rooftop. When you passed by the hallways for the first time after his haircut, instead of a smile, he offered you a smirk.

You just shook your head with a smile. Now you could really say that you told Nijimura to get a haircut and he really did... Well, not like you'd say it to anyone anyway.

----------

You had been thinking about confessing. But you couldn't just find the right timing... Should you do it on his graduation? Or maybe next time you meet? Confessing is no joke... It could either break the frail connection you have with him or make it stronger. You were almost a hundred percent sure it's not the latter. Maybe you should just forget about confessing then forget about those feelings after Nijimura graduates.

How about you just toss a coin? If it's heads, you'll confess and if it's not, then bye-bye fickle feelings, Senpai will never know you exist. That must be the most stupid idea you had but you still went on with it.

You tossed a coin, caught it with your hand then placed it on your arm with your hand still covering it. Slowly but surely, you lifted your hand to have a good look at it.

Tails.

It's bye-bye fickle feelings... Senpai will never...

You felt disappointed. You wanted him to know. You wanted Nijimura Shuzo to know how you're crazy for him. Deep inside, you knew you just wanted someone or something, push you and encourage you to confess. But the coin had spoken.

Maybe it's much better this way.

You picked up your things then went straight home that day while convincing yourself that not confessing was the right thing to do.

When you got home, you quickly changed in your room then decided to go online to distract yourself. You opened a social networking site and the first thing you saw was a friend's post,

"Which regret is worse? Regretting something you did or regretting something you did not do?"

You closed the tab and turned your laptop off. That was not a distraction in any way. But which is really worse?

-------------

The third years had retired from the basketball club. You won't see Nijimura play again wearing his jersey... Well, maybe you could just watch him in high school? With this skills, he'll surely be able to make it the regulars even as a first year. Maybe you were giving him too much credit but you didn't care. For you, Nijimura Shuzo was the best basketball player.

As if it some kind of work of the fate, you met him again at the rooftop. Only that time, it was you who got there first. You almost choked on your own saliva when you looked to your right and saw him there.

"Senpai," you said acknowledging his presence.

"_________,"

"Guess, I wouldn't see you play again for a while," you joked though your statement was true. He seemed taken aback by your 'joke'.

"Nah, you might not see me play again," he replied smiling. You were sure it was a sad smile. What you weren't sure about though was why he had been looking stressed the past months. His skin had been paler and the bags under his eyes were more visible. There were even times when you'll catch him staring off into space with a lost look on his face. Something he's never done before. Was something bothering him?

"Y-you're quitting?" you had to ask. Was he going to stop playing? But why?

"What, no! Not because of that. I'll die first before I could stop playing basketball," he laughed. The atmosphere felt lighter. Nijimura was really good at making you feel comfortable. Sure your heart beat crazy fast when he's around but you didn't feel awkward or embarrassed anymore. He simply had this big brother feeling to him. But of course being your big brother wasn't the one you wanted him to be.

"Then why? I-if it's fine with you to share," he paused for a moment before answering you. He seemed to have an internal conflict whether he should tell you or not as his forehead creased.

"My family's going to America," he said. "Don't know if we'll move back here in Japan,"

With that statement you felt your whole world crumble. He's going to the other side of the globe. He'll be completely unreachable again. You won't see his face again nor will you hear his voice, his laughter. Nijimura would be very far from you. Your eyes felt heavy.

I'm not crying.

He would just be gone... You'll just not see him. You'll just not hear his voice. He just wouldn't smile for you again, and you just wouldn't return those smiles. Probably, you wouldn't even keep in touch. The chances of being with him would just dramatically drop. Maybe he'd just find a beautiful girl in America and date her. Then maybe he'd just be happy with his life there and forget about you. Just those will and might happen. It was nothing to cry for. That reason wasn't worth your tears...

Oh who were you kidding?

The hopes of seeing him play in high school and maybe even cheer for him again were all crushed. You found it hard to breathe. Your chest tightened.

"____________?" concern laced his voice as you felt his hand on your shoulder.

"Huh?"

"W-why are you crying?" you looked at him and worry was etched on his features. Damn it. Why did you have to cry?

"N-Nothing it's just--" you didn't finish your sentence as you wiped your eyes.

"It can't be just nothing..." he leaned in closer trying to get a good look on you. Please don't... Don't worry too much or I might...

"Hey," he shook you lightly. Then you lost it...

"B-Because I've... always," your voice broke, "Liked you Nijimura-senpai..."

Now, you've said it. You confessed. You told him. You defied what the coin had said. Screw that coin. He retracted his hand from you; he took a step back.

"Y-You what?" he blurted out bewildered with your sudden confession.

You covered your face with your hands. Confessing while shedding ugly tears... Way to go my pathetic self, but you couldn't stop now, "I've always, always liked you... Even before you knew I exist..."

He didn't say anything. You heard him sigh. Peeking between your fingers, you saw him rubbing his temples. Was he going to reject you now?

"__________, I..." he trailed off. You wished he would just say it already. The suspense was killing you. If he was going to reject you then you wished he'd do it quickly. "It won't work out... Forget about it..."

You let your hands fall to your sides staring up at him. His expression was unreadable you could only wonder how he really felt. It wasn't the answer you expected.

"T-That's not a proper answer..." you said so soft it was almost a whisper, "Does Nijimura-senpai like me or not?" you had already confessed. Your fragile connection with him couldn't have been cut more than you already had. What else was there to lose?

His brows furrowed, his lips pursed tightly into a thin line. His stormy gray eyes looked intently at you that it made your heart race. A second passed, then two... And three. He breathed in then out...

"I... I don't," he shifted his eyes to his side, "Sorry,"

"I see,"

He left you wordlessly to your own. You dropped on the floor your legs giving up under you...

I shouldn’t have… No...I regret nothing...

It wasn't your fault. It really wasn't. It wasn't your fault your precious Senpai didn't like you back. But at least you told him...? Now you could just regret it because surely, you won’t talk to him again, smile at him nor look at him again. You’ll just be back to being his admirer who loves to watch him from afar.

Maybe he really was never within your reach...