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The room was heavily shadowed, but there was more than enough light to see by and little to see.  Small, compact and tidy, it had been set up for transient living, furnished with little more than a pair of beds and a single press.  There was no ornamentation, no pictures on the wall and no sense of presence.  This might have been the realm of the fem, but the fem no longer lived here.  It was merely a stopgap along the way, a place where they waited to get on with the rest of their lives.

On the bed closest to the door was Cordelain, scarcely moving, scarcely breathing.  Stasis.  When Andris alluded that he had been forced to suppress his consciousness, he had not hedged his words in any way.  My swedh was comatose. Out of danger, yes, but he was also out of reach, and in my condition I could not afford to leave him like that for long. My future.  My hope.  My tangible unknown.

On the edge of the farthest bed sat Alysian, a small delicate alabaster statue carved from the palest of stone.  My wonderful troubled past.  As long as I did not take forever, Cordelain would get no worse.  But there were things I needed to settle with Lyssan first before I could even think of a future with him.

He looked up as I straightened, wide eyed and resigned, then sighed and bowed his head.  And as he moved I caught a glimpse of thin silvery trails marking the length of his pale slender cheeks. I had expected anger and a touch of fear, but not this, tears where no tears should have been, and suddenly I realized I could not ask of him that which he could not find for himself within.

With a growing sense of numbness, I skirted Cordelain's bed and went to his side.  And for the longest time we simply sat side by side, staring at our hands as the minutes ticked slowly by. It was some time before either of us could speak.

"I... I had this speech all planned out."  He whispered into the silence.

"Speech?" I croaked.  I swallowed and tried again.  But my second attempt was no better than the first.

He sighed a soft troubled laugh at my nervousness and then nodded without raising his eyes.  "Oh, aye… a great grand speech.  First I was going to tear the hide from your back for being so insanely foolish... and then....  Then I was going to tell you I'd always be your friend... and... And...." His voice trailed off into nothingness, no sobs, no wails, just nothingness, an empty hollow ache that spoke louder than words.

I turned and placed my fingers beneath his chin, lifting it so I could gaze into his tear-filled eyes.  "And what, little bird?"  I begged in a voice that sounded far calmer than it had a right to be.

For several moments Lyssan did nothing but stare, his eyes large wide and bruised, then with a shuddering sigh, he sagged into my embrace.  "Damn it, Keir!  Why?"  He cried into the folds of my robe. "Why can't I let you go?  I know that I must... I've known for spans that one day I'd have to.  But why... why can't I?"

I buried my face into his hair and ran my hand along the back of his neck, seeking out those fluttery pulse spots I had once so loved to touch.  The flow of life, the feel of love... Once I had been so glib about our relationship. Now I no longer knew what to do. Without warning, the wall Alysian had thrown up to keep his heart intact had been shattered beyond repair. Against all reason, he had allowed himself to feel.

"I don't know, ducha.  Truly I don't.  I never wanted to hurt you, little bird. Goddess knows, I have never wanted to hurt anyone, but most of all... I never... ever wanted to bring you pain."

"Ah, but you have... you have.  Oh not willingly," He assured me resting his fingertips upon my lips to keep me from speaking out of turn.  "But you have, ducha... you have."  He shifted his hand to the side of my face and studied it closely before continuing on.  "I have always thought myself armored.  But I wasn't. My soul is bleeding, Keiran.  My soul's blood is running right out of me and all I feel is numb.  Ah me... Why am I complaining?  I... I feel so insanely foolish.  I've known for spans that someone was bound to come along.  A friend, a swedh, a lover... someone far more suited to you than I, but Goddess!  I can't handle this!  I've given too much.  I didn't mean to... but now...  Don't leave me, Keiran."  He begged.

I sighed and shook my head.  "I... I don't want to, dearling.  If I had my way, I'd stay forever, but I'm... I'm too disruptive.  Perhaps... had I settled down early on... behaved myself... Oh I... I don't know.  If only I hadn't put so much fuel on the fire...."  My shoulders sagged at the thought. The Hall was the only home I knew, the only one I wanted. But I had known for some time now, it was inevitable.  Things were coming to a head, things that had nothing to do with Cordelain or Alysian or anyone else for that matter, only me.

"You could marry me," he proposed in a faint ragged half-breath, so soft so low, I had to strain to hear his words.

I should have been shocked, but I wasn't. He knew full well what it was that he asked.  If there was anyone who understood me it was Lyssan.  Therefore I worded my refusal as gently as I possibly could.

"Nay, love.  Please... for I do mean that with all my heart when I say it, for I... I do love you... I will always love you, little bird.  You are the dearest, most wonderful person I know, but sometimes... some times love simply isn't enough, and I'll... hurt you more even more if we go that route."

Alysian laughed into my chest, a soft nervous feathery sound.  "As if I don't hurt enough as it is."

His hair had come undone, falling across his face in an untidy tangle, and he pushed himself away, reaching up with both arms to gather it back.  "I... I'm not proud, Keiran.  I could learn to share you... I have shared you... for spans... with all your little loves."

"No, please, leave it down."  I begged, snaring a handful of those wonderful golden curls.  "Let me touch it... one last time.  I've forgotten how good it feels. It's so soft, so full.  Spun gold."

He sighed and shook his head.  "I'm a right ugly mess."

"You're beautiful... as always." I retorted glibly as I wiped away a silvery drop.  Another quickly took its place and then another.  I wiped them, too, anything to stall for time.  Then I licked the salt from my fingertips with a forced grin.  I was cornered, trapped.  On my face there was a smile, but deep inside I was screaming.  Lyss!  Lyss!  Wake up! Please!  Look at what you're doing to yourself!  Look at what you're doing to me!

"Keiran..." He begged with a troubled frown.  He wasn't a strong enough empath to read me, not nearly as strong as most healers were.  But he was adept at reading my face and he knew he was upsetting me.  Still, as was so often the case, he refused to back down. When Alysian wanted something hard enough, he rarely gave way.

"Be serious. This isn't a game.  After tonight, things will never be the same... for either of us."

I sighed and shook my head.  "Alysian, believe me... no one knows that more than I.  Life has never been a game where I'm concerned.  It's been pure unadulterated hell.  But you've got to realize... You've never truly had me...  You've never really had to share me... because, ducha,  you...  Lady above!  I know... I know... Oh, Goddess, don't cry.... Please, dearling, don't cry.  I know...  It hurts to hear me say that.  But this is something you should have learned long ago.  Oh I was willing to play the part, but that's all it's ever been... a part.  I mean we've gone through a lot together and there was a time when we were truly close, a time when all of this would have made sense.  But things are different now and these last few spans have been spent like dancers on a floor.  We touch and drift away, touch and drift away... stepping out a pattern as old as time itself. You may have wanted it real, ducha, but it wasn't, and you've been dancing with a shadow, my friend.  Living out your life with a lover who had no substance."  I ran my hand down the side of his head and cupped his chin in my palm.

Tracing his lips with a well-gnawed thumb, I continued in a shaky voice.  For there were things here that needed to be said.  Things that would hurt him terribly, but he deserved the truth.  "Please, ducha, don't get me wrong.  I'm as upset about this as you, but for far different reasons.  I honestly thought you knew... that you understood.  You need to face a very important fact.  I do love you, Alysian. I truly do. You are more precious to me than anyone or anything... But I don't LOVE you and there in is the rub. I don't LOVE you.  Oh it comes close... oh Goddess, at times it comes so damn close that it is easy to wish it real.  Aiee!  Please! Don't... don't cry, little bird.  This isn't easy, for me to sit and talk with you like this.  With every word I'm killing you, slowly by inches, but it is because I truly do care for you that I refuse to lie to you now.  I don't LOVE you... not like I used to, not as I once thought I did."  I said stressing the word as best I could.

"There is a difference you know."  I added in an afterthought, but to my surprise, I had told him nothing new.  There was a steady stream of tears leaking from his eyes, running down his cheeks and across my fingertips, but his gaze was rational and calm and completely understanding.

Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard.  I wanted for him to shout at me, to rant and rave and curse, to pour out his fear and love in a cleansing verbal libation, for then I would have been able to do the same. His feelings for me were like a festering wound that needed to be lanced and I had hoped for some form of release, something wild, violent... real, something that could set us both free. But he had gone in the opposite direction. He was offering me something he had never offered in the past and I wasn't ready for the change.  Alysian, the strong self-willed lover who spoke his feelings and never held back, was one thing.  Alysian as a broken-winged selfless life mate was another.

"Oh, Lyss... Lyss...,"  I moaned. "I know what you're offering… what you think you are offering. And I'll treasure the thought all my life.  But it won't work. You believe you can live on the leavings.  You believe in the power of love.  You believe that in time, I'll be yours and only yours.  And I wish... oh how I wish I could believe in it, too.  Because, when everything goes right between us, it's so easy... so easy to forget the past... to dream of a future that revolves around you and only you.  But it won't happen.  It can't.  I have to be honest... with myself and with you.  I can't live in a dream. I can't afford self-delusions.  And right now that is exactly what that is... a delusion.  It's wrong, my love, so very wrong."

"There are a lot of couples who have far less," whispered Alysian into my cupped palm.

I nodded my agreement.  "A lot of unhappy, colorless couples...  couples who grow old before their time, who wind up hating each other and everyone around them.  But I don't want to hate you, little bird.  You deserve a partner who can come to you as an equal.  One who can look you in the eye and always speak the truth, who won't lie to you about where he's been or who he's been with.  And I would.  I have never lied to you before, but if we pair as you wish, I will. I will, because we both know have strayed in the past and I will stray in the future... you know I will… and I would do all that I could to protect you from that knowledge when I did.

"No, ducha... I'm not the one.  He's out there. Your love is out there somewhere. I know he is. One day you are going to open your eyes and he'll be there, and he'll be grand... he'll be beautiful.  He'll be everything your heart desires.  Only he won't be me... I'm not good enough, little bird.  I'm bad.  I'm wicked.  I'm ugly deep down inside.  I do things I'm not proud of, things that make you squirm.  You know what I am.  Don't waste your life waiting for me to get my act together.  Find yourself someone new."

"And if I refuse?" There was a hint of challenge in his voice, a cold calculating challenge that made my skin crawl.

"What do you mean by that?"  I asked puzzled by his response.

Alysian sat up, straightened his shoulders and answered in a soft defiant voice.  "You do realize, I just can't let him waltz in here and sweep you up and away from me without some form of resistance.  I... I have my pride, Keiran."

"Fight whom?  What the hell are you talking about, Lyss?"  Then I saw his eyes flicker from me to Cordelain's recumbent form and back, a quick furtive movement, one I nearly lost in the shadows, but it explained an awful lot.

"Alysian! Ducha! Sweet Lady of night! Listen to what you are saying!  Why I can count the number of times we've shared words on a single hand... half a hand... less than half, once to be exact!"  I threw up my hands with frustration; then gave his thin shoulders a good hard shake.

"Goddess above!  Whatever gave you the idea that I'd fall for someone like that anyway?  Look, I know I behaved rather childishly this morning.  I was hysterical and I said things that probably led to that conclusion.  But that's how I am when I feel trapped.  That's all it was... hysterics.  Hell! A lot of it wasn't even true.  You know I stretch everything out of perspective when I'm upset.  I meant nothing by it.  Nothing!  Nothing at all!  Look!  Look at him, won't you!  Look hard!  We have absolutely nothing in common!  Not a single solitary shred!"

It was all I could do to keep from tearing my hair and normally I would have given vent to those feelings, but something held me back.  A good thing I suppose.  I'm not so sure how Cordelain's men would have reacted to one of my tantrums.

Sensing my anger, Alysian shrank in upon himself.  "I have looked."  He whispered in a soft child-like voice.  "I've looked and looked and looked.  Truth is... that's all I done for the past two hours, and for hours on end before that as well.  Who do you think our beloved Master set to keep watch over your precious swedh, hmm?  Me, that's who.  For he knows how I feel and he believes that if I sit here long enough, I'll get over it. But I won't, Keir. I won't. Because I hate him!  I hate him!  I hate him for what he stands for... I hate him for what he is... and I hate him for what he's going to do to you. I... I hate him for being perfect!"

And now that suppressed anger I could feel building up inside him broke free, and he gave his head a savage toss.  Hair flying, eyes flashing, he gave me a toothy, feral grin.  "And I mean it, Keir.  I will fight.  He's not going to take you away from me without one.  I know what you like... I know what you want.  I might be more of a fem than he is right now, but I've never fully neglected my other side.  I can be all that you need.  I've done it in the past and I can do it again.  It'll take time, of course, but I'll do it if I have to.  So you had better warn him, Keiryu.  You had better warn him good.  Because, if he doesn't keep his place, I... I... I'm going to step on his toes and... And scratch out his eyes."

I found myself staring, dumbfounded.  This amazing creature before me was not the Alysian I knew, and to be absolutely honest, I wasn't so sure I wished to, but in his anger, he was truly splendid to behold.  He was also very foolish.

"And wind up a bloody pile of pulp.  Lyssan, he's a master.  He'll wipe up the floor with you."  I replied as calmly as I could, intercepting a straying lock of hair as it fell across his eyes and tucking it neatly into place behind the curve of his long tapered ear.  I caressed the soft golden tuff of fur at its tip and Alysian flinched.  I had forgotten how sensitive they were.  Play with them long enough and he'd turn to butter in your hands, but that wasn't my intent.

"Ah, but I don't intend to play fair, Keiryu.  I've got weapons he's never even considered and I'm not above using them.  Besides I bet he's never faced someone like me, someone who couldn't even defend them selves in a real fight.  He's too damn busy protecting them. Only there's more than one way of fighting and I can be very very nasty when I wish.  I've learned a lot over the last few spans, things you never knew I knew. I had to. Going with you over to Jan's all the time. People would see me and think... they'd think..."

I knew exactly what they had thought and it was my greatest deepest darkest shame, that I had subjected him to that form of scrutiny with no thought as to how he might have felt. But he had been a willing companion on our excursions, a far more willing one than he was now letting on to be, so I silenced him with a kiss and he responded in kind by easing us down to the surface of the bed.  Only giving into Alysian at a time like this was not the wisest of moves. For he was right about one thing, he truly did know how to get to me when he wished.  When he put his mind to it, he knew full well how to make me respond. Only this time I refused to play his game.

Pulling away, I stood up and stalked over to where Cordelain lay.  "Then fight if you must, you little slut.  But it's not going to do you a bit of good.  You can't win a war that doesn't exist.  That which involves us does not involve him."  I sank down on the edge of his bed and lifted away the furs to examine his leg, anything to change the subject.  It felt strange to be arguing over someone who was present and intimately involved, but oblivious to the turmoil he caused, and yet, oddly enough, that was exactly what we were doing.  Arguing over Cordelain.  And as I stared down at his face, I tried to envision his own part in this scenario.  Would he be supportive or indignant?  Or would he merely laugh at us both and simply walk away?  It was rather foolish, after all. But I found myself at a loss, blinking back a flood of tears, not knowing him well enough to give answers to those words.

I was biding for time, waiting for my nerves to settle down, so I began to give my swedh that much closer inspection, the one I had not been allowed to perform on the ledge.  Surprisingly, he was in far better shape than he had any given right to be.  Most of his scrapes had been seen to, and he had been given a sponge bath, a quick cursory cleaning, but there were still bits of stone and debris in his hair and it was matted with dried blood.  Even so, it was easy to see that the majority of his abrasions were superficial, ugly to look at, but quick to heal.  Oh he was far from a pretty picture.  He had lost a great deal of skin along the way, but in a turn or two Cordelain would be back to his old self, in as far as appearances went.  How he would fare with me, as his swedh, was another matter altogether.

I took the inspection down to its next level, avoiding his head as Andris had suggested I do, but seeking out and tending to any other injury, which might have caused him trouble.

But there was little for me to do, for despite Andris's claim, someone else had bandaged his ribs and his arm was neatly splinted, and as neither area of breakage was truly serious I decided to leave them alone.  Then as I inserted my touch down into those tissues, sending my consciousness down into that pulsing web of life that was his flesh, I sensed an underlying healing there as well, the touch of another's talent.  Nothing conscionable, or intrusive...  It was little more than a gentle nudge.  Whoever had done this had not gone out of their way to take my work away, but neither had they been able to sit to one side and watch Cordelain fade.  Alysian, for all that he would vehemently deny the fact if asked.  But my little bird could not help being that which he was, a healer, a truly gentle loving person.

Then without warning, Alysian and his troubles were the farthest thing from my mind, for as I sat there, staring down at that leg, my talent came rushing back, like a tide upon the sea, filling me, drowning me, begging for release, and I found myself touching his leg, that poor battered beautiful leg, running careful shaking fingers along the length of the break, unconsciously seeking out its splintered fragments with my mind.  The first was not far from where it should have been and it slid into place effortlessly as did the second and a third, but after that the going became more difficult.

It was a shattered, battered jigsaw, and I could ill afford to miss a single piece, not if I wished the leg to mend straight and true. But the flesh surrounding the fragments was too torn to continue on in this manner.  If I did, I would do more harm than good.  I was going to have to cut down through the muscle to reach the fragments below and reposition them manually; locking them firmly into place with my talent once I had them in line.  Surgery was not one of my finer skills. It was nothing I relished.  But it was well within my area of expertise.  I stood, located my kit and a stack of sterile towels.  I was deep in thought, picking out the instruments I'd need, when a soft questioning voice broke my concentration.

"Need help?"

It was Alysian.  Standing at my side, shivering with a cold so intense it could only have come from within.  Arms wrapped about his middle, as though he could hold himself inside, he hovered there like a pale gray ghost, waiting for the wind of my anger to blow him away, waiting for me to close the door that would ban him from my life forever.  Words I could never speak, words neither of us wished to hear.

Words.  Words.  Words.  Alysian spoke of fighting, but fight he never would.  Oh he would make all the right moves, he would even make a grand pretense of the act to salve my battered spirit, but in the end we both knew who would make the final decision.   Where we would go from here.

Oddly enough, it was only then that I realized just how well he had prepared for this confrontation.  For he was dressed, not in his customary style, but in a pair of dove gray doe-skin leggings and a slightly darker tunic, both of them plain to the point of severity, but elegant, oh so elegant. His femininity suppressed, his masculinity, what little he had of it these days, amplified.  He had even bound his breasts.  Alysian had chosen to show me what I could have, if only I'd say the word.  I had thought I knew the extent of his wardrobe, but this was not his usual attire.

"Something new?"  I asked cautiously fingering the hem of his tunic with a pair of bloody fingertips.  He tossed his head with a sad sardonic smile, and then nodded.  "I... I finished it yesterday.  It... It was to have been a surprise, for your life day.  Do... do you like it?"

Something new?  A gift for me? Hardly. The real gift would have been something old and treasured and precious, something comfortable and easy to put on, the clothing was nothing more than a new way to wrap it.  But it was a gift I could no longer afford to accept, not now, not ever.  He saw my appraisal, felt my unconscious refusal, and sighed.

"Please, Keiran, it's not what you think.  I... I wasn't out to seduce you.  This outfit was in the making long before I knew about Cordelain."

"Oh... and just what would you have me call it then?  You weren't exactly playing hard to get, little bird."  I retorted angrily.

He sighed and touched my cheek.  "Would you accept my behavior as an act of desperation?  For I... I am desperate, truly I am.  I... I don't know... I don't know what's come over me, Keiryu.  I've never felt like this before and I'm scared.  You've been slipping away from me for turns now and I'm losing you.  And when I contemplate that, something happens to me deep inside... I can't think... I can't reason.  I know I'm going at it all wrong, but I... I can't seem to stop myself.  And poor Cordelain, I used him as an excuse, but in a way, all he's done is force things out into the open far sooner than I had hoped, things we have both ignored for far too long.

"All I really wanted to do was to get you to think, that's all.  Think.  I mean we've never really thought about it, have we?  Either of us?  We've just gone with the flow.  Fourteen spans... on again... off again.  Together. Apart. Together once again.  You may wish to call it a dance, but it's has always been more than that for me... far more.  You know that it has.  Goddess above, there are couples out there, Keir, who've been together far less than that who know exactly where they stand.  But we...  we've never taken the time to figure it out and I don't want us to throw all those spans away until we do.  They've been special for me... for you.  Don't you dare tell me they haven't?  We've always been there for each other.  And I... I want to be here for you.  I... I want a place in your life, Keiran, however small, however restrained.  Just a place.  I... I won't kid you.  You know full well the place I want.  But if it has to be less, I'll take it... I'll take whatever I can get.  I'm... I... I know full well that it may not work out.  I've been talking with Jan and he's warned me against it, but I had to give it a try.  A six turn contract, a span, three spans... whatever?  Or no contract at all if that is truly what you wish.  We could just take it day by day.

"I... I do realize that the concept of forming a life bond has always been abhorrent to you, but, ducha, we need to give what we've got a chance and we're not going to be able to do that without taking risks.  We need to explore all our possibilities, all of them.  Because if we deny what we feel for each other simply because it makes one or the other of us uncomfortable, our regrets are going to eat us alive.  At some point down the line we are going to wonder what might have happened had we taken the time.  And a doubt like that, however small, will severely erode the foundation of any other relationship we might yet form, not that I ever wish to form one with anyone but you.

"So please, I beg of you.  Don't close the door on me now just because the thought of it makes you uneasy.  Open it first and then... if you still feel as you think you do now, I'll accept your decision to ask for an annulment as best I can.  I... I'm not asking for forever, Keiran.  Forever doesn't exist.  All I truly want is a very real attempt towards understanding what forever might be like."

He traced my features with his fingertips, my eyes, my cheeks, my lips.  "And before you bring it up again... I'm not kidding myself, Keiryu.  I know exactly what I'm getting myself into. I know what you are and what you are is not what you believe yourself to be.  You are not evil.  You are beautiful and wonderful and the most loving person I know.  I just don't know who that person is anymore.  I thought I did, once, but now... I'm not so sure.  And I don't know where I fit in, either, how to relate to you, how to help you.  You're changing... drifting away... and I'm... I'm losing you.  Help me.  Teach me.  Show me why it's become so necessary for you to lock me out of your life, now... right now, when you need me most.  Why?  Why can't you love me as I love you?  You used to...  I know you did. What happened? What did I do?  What's standing in the way?  What is it that prevents you from being happy?"

I sighed and kissed his fingertips.  "If only I had your confidence, beloved. For as I said earlier… I do love you, Lyssan.  You are my brother/sister self, my other half, my other side, my... my compliment.  But, ducha, it's no longer enough.  I can't give you my all, I can't give you what you deserve, and it time to call it quits. I don't wish to hurt you any more than I have."  I said sadly tugging once again at the hem of his tunic.  "This more than anything tells me that.  This is not you, little bird.  This has never been you.  You made your choice spans ago with full knowledge of how I felt, and I supported you because you were right.  You are a fem don't try to deny it.  Don't hide it. Be what you are. Don't change for me."

He laughed sourly at my concern and shook his head.  "Ah, well then, if that is the only roadblock we have, then consider it done.  Consider me yours for the asking, beloved; introduce me to your swedh as your bride, your partner... whatever... because the damage is done.  I honestly can't be hurt any more than I am now.  I mean it, Keir. For when you go, I'm going, too. There's no future for me here without you, no reason for me to stay.  No, don't argue.  I've given it a great deal of thought as I say here and I mean what I say.  There are simply too many memories behind these walls.  So even if you deny me, don't expect me to stay behind, waiting.  I won't be here when you come back.  I'm not sure where I'll go or what I'll do, but I'm not going to wait here for you to change your mind.

"Perhaps... I'm only being selfish, and if I am, I beg of you... forgive me... ahead of time.  But I truly wanted this out of the way before the two of you solidify your bond.  I want my answer now.  Therefore I'm going to ask this of you once again, and only once, Keiran.  Because I truly do love you, and I know that this is upsetting you and I promise to do my best to accept whatever answer you give. But I want you to reconsider....  Please... for my sake... for yours... "  Then he swallowed hard and nodded down at Cordelain.  "For his...  especially for him.  I don't know why. But it's important.  He needs to know where you stand from the start.  He needs to know where I stand.  He needs to know where he stands.  We all do.  For your sake, for his and for mine... try.  Wilt thou be mine?"

I sighed heavily.  "I can't see why it's all that important..."

"It's important... trust me, it's more important than you will ever know."

I couldn't argue anymore, not when he was doing his best to be so reasonable, but deep down inside I knew he was wrong.  He was wrong but he was also making an offer I found difficult to refuse.  He was willing to be mine no matter who or what I was.  I closed my eyes and leaning into his touch, kissed his fingertips once more, surrendering without a word to his request.  His triumphant smile was a physical tangible caress on my skin, like a ray of warm sunshine.  He thought he had won.  We both did.  But in truth, he had lost me for good.  We simply didn't know it at the time.