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Z: Legendary protectors, hidden within the darkness. Mostly-ordinary men who drive themselves to do that which is impossible on a day-to-day basis. Those who take after animals reviled as creatures of the unknown night, turning any such notion on it's head with their heroism. Those ones who survive anything and everything, in spite of all odds stacked against them, those who push a bit further with no regard for how much it hurts.

Tessera: These are none other than two men of legend, our combatants here today...

Stalin: Batman, The Dark Knight.

Tessera: And Solid Snake, the Man Who Makes the Impossible, Possible.

Z: I'm Z, and they're Tessera and... Stalin... apparently. Or something.

Marx: And don't forget Special K. Karl Marx.

Z: ...you know, sometimes I wonder about the wisdom of my career path. Wait, where'd the Trollmeister run off to?

(Cuts to a gulag in Russia)

Magus: (mowing down trees with lasers, clearly exhausted)

God... damn you... fascists-!! Ah, shit!!

NKVD Troika: For that insult, you shall chop down every tree in the world!! For the glory of Soviet Russia!!

(Cuts back to the station in [LOCATION UNDISCLOSED])

Stalin: I wonder where they went...

Z: And I guess it's also their job now, to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

...or Communist Disco Smackdown, or whatever the heck you call it, all the same to me.

Marx: Just CDS is superior, but onwards!

_________________________________________________________________________

Batman

Height: 6'2

Weight: 210 lbs.

Age: 34 (Usually)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Blue

AKA: Bruce Wayne, The Caped Crusader, Bats, The Dark Knight

Origin: Detective Comics #27

FEATS:

- Is considered to have one of, if not, the most keen mind in the DCU, as he's a known Polymath, and had more than ten degrees by 21
- Has plans to take out the entire JLA, and can even hack into a Kryptonian ship
- Is so intimidating, the Sinestro Corps rings couldn't have an effect on him...he even fought off the rings
- Regularly defeats The Joker, Harley Quinn, The Penguin, The Riddler, and the other Gotham rogues
- Mastered about every martial art in the world, and blended them into his own style
- Created a teleportation block to the Batcave
- Built the Batcave
- Has destroyed metals with his bare hands, and has taken on superhuman beings with his wits alone
- Fought off the Court of Owls
- As Bruce Wayne, became a publicly known billionaire
- Created the Batsuit and all of it's gadgets
- Created an outfit to be just like Superman, both physically and personality wise
- Created a suit to replicate the JLA's powers

Theme:

Stalin: Batman is an interesting character, I'd argue his best appearance is in Red Son, where yours truly appears.

Marx: We are talking about his story, not your ego.

Z: And his story's an iconic one indeed!! Long ago, a young Bruce Wayne was born the only child of the physician Dr. Thomas Wayne and his wife, Martha Wayne. They lived in Gotham, were rich, Thomas was the CEO of Wayne industries, and everything for them in life was the bee's knees. Of course, you all know this song and dance, it wasn't to last.

Tessera: Skip forward a bit, and as it turns out there were still thugs with the audacity to attack such famous, influential people wandering the streets. Several gunshots fired and a mugging later, and Bruce Wayne was left abandoned in the world, with no parent figure to turn to, nowhere to go. Rather traumatic, as one might imagine.

Stalin: He then somehow lived with Alfred, his butler, and well...traveled the world, gaining knowledge in numerous degrees, mastering martial arts, you know, bachelor things.

Marx: And the experience molded him. He vowed to stop those who wronged him and his family in the past. He would be... the Batman.

Z: And then proceeded to become a costumed hunter of evil within the city and protector of the innocent, huzzah!!

...one who owns more money than we have national debt, spends his spare time beating hobos within an inch of their lives with his bare hands, dresses like a giant scary flying mammal, and repeatedly recruits young boys to wear ultra-tight spandex and fight against the hordes of armed and dangerous criminals with him in the city with nothing but some fancy toys.

...look, I know full well how bad this sounds on paper, okay? Fact of the matter is, the man's still trying his damnedest to be a good person and keep his people safe whilst bearing the burden of his past on his shoulders. Also, comic book logic.

Stalin: Well, if you put it that way.

Marx: I don't think this man supports communism.

Z: I don't think a pretty significant portion of the population as a whole supports communism. Besides, look at how well it's turning out for him!

Tessera: ... (throws up a chart)

"Dick Grayson: Left him to become Nightwing

Jason Todd: Brutally beaten with a crowbar and blown up in 'Death in the Family'

Tim Drake: Mother killed and father placed in coma upon drinking poison-laced water

Barbara Gordon: Shot through the spine, rendered paraplegic

Damian Wayne: Turned to the dark side"

Tessera: ...to be fair, could've went better.

Stalin: He clearly followed Capitalist ideals.

Marx: Mhm...they would still be alive today.

Z: (mouth agape in exasperation) ...wha- look, that's not the point- sigh.

Well, anyways, since then Bruce Wayne, now under the fearful alias of Batman, has been everywhere, done nearly everything there is to be done, and become a memetic master of the impossible in our own world. I mean, hell, he's gone back in time after supposedly dying-

Tessera: Hm?

Z: That happens a lot, trust me, he's stolen the Green Lantern ring right off Hal Jordan's finger, stopped the Joker and other rogues of Gotham from committing more crimes, created a shit ton of gadgetry, even fought off the Court of Owls!! He's made himself into what he is today, and I say that's worthy of respect.

Marx: Maybe he's socialist.

Stalin: Possibly, but don't count on it. Excuse me, yes, that is impressive.

Tessera: ...I've noticed something.

Z: (...long, exasperated sigh)

...What.

Tessera: This theme. I didn't assign this to this bio. Why is it playing?

Z: I'm... not sure, actually. Why is this also his theme?

ThePerpetual: Because frankly, his story past the beginning point is like, really inconsistent, and he's done a kajillion things since then-

Z: Wait, who the hell are you?

...wait... I know you...

ThePerpetual: Why, I'm that author guy you keep talking about, the one you somehow beat up a couple of preludes back for no logical reason!! You know, that one who lives past the fourth wall and went on a long-ass hiatus while forgetting to tell the audience until recently? By the way, sorry about that guys. My bad.

Z: Oh, that's you? Why are you here then, even?

ThePerpetual: To try to entertain the people!! Key word being, "try."

Z: I have absolutely no idea what you're on about. That's what we normally do, you're just getting in the way.

ThePerpetual: I think you don't quite get it. See, Batman's an astoundingly iconic character, right? And you cover everybody's backstory before a fight, right?

Z: ...Yes...

ThePerpetual: See, there's my problem. Well, other than the fact you, and by you I mean I, use meta-jokes waaaay too often, and that this is me actively mocking by trash-tier comedy and sense of humor, but!! That is besides the point.

The problem here is that Batman has been rewritten as a story and been on so many different adventures, crossovers, and more that, honestly, I'd have to write a literal essay on his history. Frankly, I really just... can't... do that.

Besides, it's not like anyone comes to these things for our shitty dialogue. They come here for the fight!! The excitement!! Not to listen to me talk: or more accurately, type: to myself.

Z: What? This isn't even related to Batman at all!! Why are you here, again? To entertain the people in the audience with a gag? If you do care about this fight, then why didn't you just, you know, write up the best backstory you could?

ThePerpetual: Inevitably, someone would complain I missed something, sadly. I'm a stickler for, "If you're going to do something, do it all the way through." Besides, we both know I respect Batman plenty, and it's not like everyone and their mothers don't know who the God-damned Batman is-

Oh, would you look at that!! I got to my word quota!! Well, looks like I've got to get going now, see you maybe some day later if I feel like blatantly stealing 's The Batter vs Super Perfect Cell Prelude 4th-wall gag sometime again in the future and my pathetic attempt at appeasing our audience here was any modicum of successful. Ta-taaaa!!

(woop woop woop woopwoopwoop )

Z: ...

Tessera: ...

Z: ...

Tessera: ...

Z: ...

That's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever done. Next!

Attributes

Strength
- Can be qualified as superhuman, as he lifts 1000 lbs as an exercise routine
- He can shatter metals with his bare hands
- Broke Man-Bats arm
- Shattered Deadshot's wrist guns with his hands
- Kicked a motorcycle in half
- While his exercise routine is 1 ton, he can definitely move more, as his striking force places him higher
- Stopped a moving car
-- 5,000+ Newtons are needed to decelerate a half-ton car at a rate of ~11 meters/second squared, and Batman did so considerably more quickly
- With a straight jacket, lifted a coffin with 600 lbs of dirt applying pressure from above
- Broke a sword with his bare foot
- Shattered an assault rifle with his bare hands
- Broke handcuffs with one hand
-- Handcuffs require over 800 lbs to pull apart, with both hands, but Bruce uses one
- Tossed Dr. Death through a missile-proof door
Speed/Agility
- Dodged one of Darkseid's Omega Beams
- Outran a grenade and an explosion
- Scaled up a building with ease, stole a Green Lantern Ring off of Hal Jordan's finger, and was faster than a speeding car
-- Green Lantern Rings Automatically move you out of the way of something, showing Batman's speed
- His Grappling Hook further makes him faster
- Dodged a laser that changes position every 30 seconds
- Can backflip over a car
- Dodged Superman's Heat Vision, dodged Dr. Light's blasts at point blank, dodged Power Ring Blasts point blank, dodged gunfire point blank, sensed and dodged a sniper shot from behind, jumped out of a plane, into a moving car and out the door, and dodged blasts from Mister Freeze
- Can legitimately dodge bullets
Durability/Endurance
- Was shot in the head and kept fighting against who did it
- Fought Talon and the Court of Owls after receiving a beating from them
- Took a hit from an unrestrained Superman
- EMP Resistant
- Can tank point blank blasts meant to destroy his suit
- Can withstand Clayface's Attacks
- Completely Bulletproof and Flameproof
- Can deflect Energy Blasts
- Can go without sleep for days and control his body temperature
- Can make ten minutes of air last an hour
- Fought different opponents for 38 hours straight until everyone gave up against him
-- This happened while he was training, so it is safe to assume he can go longer
Intellect
- Genius intellect with an IQ of 192
- Is a confirmed Polymath
- Mastered over 20 degrees and courses in his twenties
- He created a virus that depowered Plastic Man, hacked all of Gotham, performed surgery on himself, created Brother Eye, one of DC's most advanced AI's, and even created his own Lazarus Pit
- He has used his wits alone to defeat his foes who physically oppose him in battle
- His detective skills are unmatched, and he holds a photographic memory
Master Martial Artist
- Took about every martial art in the world, mastered it, and used it to create his own complex fighting style, that most people are unable to detect
- He took 15 Man-Bats out with martial arts skill alone
- He has fought on par with Bronze Tiger and Deathstroke
- Has also matched the most skillful combatant in DC, Lady Shiva, and defeated her
- All in all, contends for one of DC's best H2H combatants with Karate Kid, Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva and Connor Hawke
Weapons Expert
- Has mastered every melee weapon, along with ranged weapons
Expert Tactician
- Aquaman, King of Atlantis called him the best tactician there is, and that's contending with men like Deathstroke and Prometheus
High Willpower and Pain Threshold
- Shrugged off an Electric Chair and a burning microchip
Intimidation
- Fought off a Yellow Lantern Ring, and could apply as one
Expert Marksman
- On par with Green Arrow, the man who shoots raindrops in half
Stealth
- Can breach security systems with ease and snuck up on Superman, the man who hears cries for help in different galaxies
Escapist
- Second only to Mister Miracle
- Can break out of a buried coffin, and a straight jacket in 52 seconds at his slowest
- Famous for surviving the impossible
Expert Hunter
- Was trained by African Hunters and trackers
Expert Mechanic
- Designed the Batmobile, Batsuit, Batcave, and all of its gadgets
- Designed handcuffs Mister Miracle could not break through
- His software is fastest in the world
- Made a mask that mimics faces

Z: Oh look, the actual theme was dropped off here. That's good I think.

Stalin: Batman is a powerful man, for a capitalist. He lifts 1000 pounds as an exercise, shattered wrist guns, and even stopped a moving car.

Marx: He dodged an Omega Beam, snatched a Green Lantern ring, outran a grenade, backflipped over a speeding car, and dodged Superman's Heat Vision. The Man of Steel, of all people!

Stalin: I don't recall that...

Marx: Wrong Man of Steel.

Z: Again, welcome to comics. He's hardly lacking in toughness, the trooper isn't, having fought through getting shot directly in the head, can keep going after the vicious physical and psychological beating inflicted upon him by the Court of Owls, tanked multiple physical and energy attacks of all kinds... yeah, we'd say something like "Peak human, my ass", but that's far overused, so... yeah.

Tessera: And let's not forget his acute intelligence, which to this day the man's most famous for. With an IQ of 192, Bruce Wayne has overcome foes who are physically equal or even superior to him on a regular basis using his keen mind, created and invented multiple impossible gadgets, and is hailed as the world's greatest detective. Hell, he's mastered so many skills we made entirely separate categories for them.

Marx: He's also an expert at weapons, marksmanship, and tactics as well.

Stalin: He's a master martial artist as well, having toppled the likes of Lady Shiva, and mastered just about every martial art. This man gains my respect, I have no doubt he can clear a room full of Spetsnaz.

Magus: And the Green Berets couldn't, Deadliest Warrior told me that, his opponent was a Green Beret, looks like it's case closed here, Winner is BATMAN-!!

(Turns off episode, pauses "Rise")

Marx: ...?

Tessera: (Shrugs)

...

Stalin: (Checks watch)

...

(A few seconds later, is turned back on)

Z: Sorry about that, had to punch Magus back to Russia. Please, do continue.

Stalin: That's Mother Russia comrade.

Marx: Get your facts straight.

Tessera: Indeed, fascist.

Z: What? Tess, you're not normally- (Is visibly shaking with frustration)

Stalin: Not normally enlightened in the glory of communism? Yes.

Marx: Join us Z, come to the dark side. We have Pierogi.

Z: Okay, look, I'll join your thing you've got going here, just cover Batman's stealth at least?

(Resumes "Rise")

Stalin: ...Okay. Batman's stealth. This is a good feat to look at. He has gotten the better of Superman before, and can sneak into a room full of expert assassins and superhumans with no trace.

Marx: He also is a master escapist, second to Mister Miracle, and an expert hunter and mechanic.

Z: See? That wasn't so hard. Now, weapons, before I lose my mind...

Stalin: Marx hit the music. We are talking weapons.

Marx: (Pauses "Rise")

Weapons

Batarangs
- Bat shaped Shurikens, that are thrown with extreme precision. They are also used in Explosive Form, that explode on contact, electric form, that shock opponents on contact, Thermal form, that hardened Clayface down to his core, Magnetic Batarangs to attract metal objects, Nth Metal Batarangs for extra power, Acid Batarangs to burn the opponent, and Remote Controlled, that can be moved as fired
Bat-Bolas
- Bolas fired from a pistol, to trap enemies on the move. Can also deliver Electric Shocks
Tranquilizer Gun
- Gun equipped with tranquilizers, that can paralyze opponents, and other chemical attacks
Pellet Grenades
- Can easily break down brick walls
Concussion Mines
- A higher power type of Pallet Grenade that can destroy vehicles and reinforced concrete walls
Glue Globules
- Can encase enemies in a very sticky substance
Remote Claw
- A claw with two points, one to grab the enemy, and one to launch something into the enemy that is caught
- Confiscated from Deathstroke
Thermal Grenades
- Are considered to be hotter than magma itself, and it cannot be extinguished
Remote Electric Charge
- Can be shot to overload electric devices, and electrocute and damage opponents
- Not to be confused with the EMP, which is only used for disabling
Freeze Grenades
- Can encase opponents in the radius within a block of ice
- Borrowed from Mr. Freeze
Nerve Killing Gloves
- 'Nuff Said, kills your nerves upon contact
- Not to be confused with Shock Gloves, which emit shocks to stun the foe and get past their defenses
Pneumatic Mangler
- Can cut through most metals like paper, along his wrists
Anesthetic Darts
- Contain fast-acting anesthetic
- Usually hidden in boots
Collapsible Bat-Sword
- Similar to a lightsaber
- Was used to fight off an army of robots

Tessera: Are you certain about that? This list has driven many before you bats.

Music Meister: (Shows up the hell out of nowhere)

BATS, BATS, BATS, drives us BATS-

Z: ...Stalin, in your infinite wisdom, please explain something to me.

Stalin: Da?

Z: Why... am I being paid $3.50 an hour...

...for withstanding stress and physical/psychological/emotional torture at the hands of the other hosts... and simultaneously listening to a random DC villain only a select group in our audience remember sing into my ears whilst the Soviet Union National Anthem is playing?

...wwhhhyyyy?!?

Stalin: You said "Weapons."

Marx: We assume the Soviet Nukes and weapons would be presented to the audience to show our power.

Stalin: Maybe your wage will increase if you join us.

Marx: Or we'll just lock you in our kitchen and force you to cook us Stroganoff.

Z: Shit, at this rate I'd inclined to take you up on that offer if I didn't have friends here.

...and no, Batman does not carry "the glorious Soviet Nukes" on his person. The man's possessed of a decidedly strict no-kill policy.

Tessera: For what that's worth. It's not like he doesn't mangle bodies and snap bones in twain like icicles on a day-to-day basis, after all, at least he should given some of his moves in the "Arkham" series of games.

Stalin: WE DO NOT KILL! WE ENLIGHTEN!

Marx: So what does he have? Hammer and Sickle projectiles?

Z: No. (The Soviet theme disc-scratches, "Rise" resumes)

Z: Try batarangs, collapsible steel blades inspired by the shuriken projectiles of medieval Japan. Their shape in keeping with his chosen theme, a variety of his chosen weapon exist, with explosive, electric, magnetic, acidic, and other variants prominent in his arsenal. Sounds deadly, right? Not really, somehow.

Marx: Depends on how you use it...

Stalin: He also has different variations of grappling guns, which...grapple, I suppose, and he carries various gels, not the hair product, but an explosive with again, various results.

Tessera: And this is just the start. There's the Bat-Bolas for tripping, the Tranquilizer Gun for nonlethal takedowns strictly, glue and freeze grenades for ensnaring enemies, a pneumatic mangler along his wrists, and: you guessed it: a lightsaber ripoff. This one's known as the Collapsible Bat-Sword, which he used to fend off a veritable army of robots.

Z: ...look, I know this is beating a dead horse, but this supposed no-kill policy of Wayne's realllly sounds sort of like bullshit to me.

Stalin: Add in Nerve Killing Gloves, Shock Gloves, Darts, and even thermal grenades and a Sonic Devastator which destroys the senses.

Marx: Take note Comrade.

Stalin: Indeed, we can use these ideas.

Batsuit

- A tri-weave Kevlar and Titanium made suit that is designed to withstand explosions, falls, impacts and bullets
- Contains a MR-Fluid Liquid Body Armor layer that hardens in response to physical impacts
- Has blades built to the side of his wrists
- Has taken hits from Superman while fully powered, an entire onslaught from Clayface, taken hits from OMAC, withstood hits from bullets, flamethrowers, and basically every other projectile
-- Though taking hits from Superman is generally considered an outlier
- It lets off a shock of 200,000 volts if touched, and holds a mini-rockets, has blocks to prevent mind control, an underwater breather, and tranquilizer darts
- Stores a mini-computer linking to the Batcomputer
- Radiation and shock-proof gloves
- Lead-lined cowl identifies weak-points, allows infrared/ultraviolet/night-vision, and shields him from mind control

Stalin: Batman's armor is an interesting mesh of various materials, immune to many forms of attack, like bullets, knives, and flames. It can absorb energy attacks, and is durable enough to withstand hits from Superman and Clayface.

Marx: It also can identify weak points through the cowl, and can let off 200,000 volts of electricity.

Z: And if this isn't enough, he's got ultra-sharp blades built into his gauntlets, for even more ways to literally scar people for life, and a miniature computer hooked up to the BatComputer. Yes, that's a thing.

Marx: Let's up our funds.

Stalin: Duly noted.

Tessera: Would you believe us if I told you that this isn't the end? Because it's not.

Gadgets

Utility Belt
- A yellow belt that holds all of Batman's equipment
Grapple Gun
- Batman's main form of maneuvering himself along buildings, and can use it to make himself faster in a chase
- He can also use it to watch over you stealth wise, or to latch onto opponents
Cryptographic Sequencer
- A device that can hack into computers and frequencies
Smoke Pellets
- Can overwhelm someone with a bright smoke
- Are perfect for Batman to ambush his opponents
Gas Pellets
- Can overwhelm someones smell and inhalation, as it leads to incapacitation, and even nerve stopping abilities
Line Launcher
- Used as a Zip-Line when traveling across buildings
Laser
- Another projectile that Batman fires with precision, it can cut through most materials.
Explosive Gel
- Gel that can be stuck to someone until Batman detonates it
- Mainly to destroy walls
- Not to be confused with the Napalm Gel, that ignites as well, bursting into flames
Batmobile
- His signature crime-fighting vehicle
- Armored
- Includes Closed circuit television, Direction Finder equipment, Spare Batsuits, Emergency searchlights, Traveling crime-lab, Built-in sonic range finder, Portable first-aid kit, Fire extinguisher, Geiger Counter, Smoke screen devices, 25mm Vulcan Gun, 60mm Cannon w/ high explosive penetrator shells, Multi-purpose grapple claw, and more
Bat Beacon
- Can attract a horde of bats into Batman's location at once to overwhelm the foe with sounds of bat screeches, or even attack enemies. He uses it by stomping it, as it is built into the heel of his boot.
- When Bats come near Batman, he seems to become more powerful, and to direct them, Batman has a Sonic Gun
Sonic Devastator
- Emits a screeching sound that can shatter glass and even incapacitate enemies with its sheer sounds
- Range is 100 feet
- Leaves opponents writhing in agony
Bat-Claw
- To get to high areas
- Can also attach himself to his enemies, and attack them with it
Bat Credit Card
- Because why not?
Bat Shark Repellant Spray
- Okay.

Stalin: ...

Marx: Why. Why the Credit Card.

Z: Because he lives in a capitalist society and the authors had whiffed one too many doses of weed that day? Your guess is as good as mine, pal.

Stalin: Very well, Batman has a wide range of tools, going from Pellets, to Line Launchers, to the iconic Batmobile.

Marx: Said Batmobile is armored, and has numerous weapons attached, as well. More batsuits, a portable forensics lab and first aid kit, Geiger counter, Vulcan guns and explosive cannons- wait, didn't you say that Batman doesn't kill?

Tessera: Again, he must be magical. Does this sort of thing all the time, never kills anybody.

Z: The smoke and gas pellets are used as stealth-aiding and incapacitating agents, respectively, the explosive gel is surprisingly used as an exploration/demolition tool and not a weapon, and the Bat-Beacon can be used to attract and to a limited degree even control hordes of bats. With the kind of variety his equipment has, he can easily give off he's supernatural to the unfamiliar.

Stalin: Isn't he? How can he carry so much?

Marx: Please tell me that this is the last of it.

Tessera: Actually, this exists.

Stalin: ...

Marx: Why did we agree to this?

Detective Mode

- Based on a combination of technological advancements built into Batman's suit and his own inborn heightened senses
- Allows him to see the internal anatomy of an enemy, including their heart rate
- Shows him weapons the enemy is wielding and what armor they are wearing
- Shows him enemy's emotional state
- Can detect clues important to his work

Stalin: I don't think we can buy this...

Marx: Batman's detective mode...can detect just about anything needed...

Z: Heart rate? Check. Potential weapons? Check. Anything remotely important in his detective work? Check. I mean, sort of what it says on the tin, there, Detective Vision.

Marx: Anything plot related, really.

Oracle

- Real Name: Barbara Gordon
- Formerly known as Batgirl
- Rendered paraplegic after being shot through the spinal cord by The Joker in The Killing Joke
-- Though recently has recovered from her injury and took on the mantle of Batgirl once more
- Possesses eidetic memory- almost total recall of everything she sees and reads
- Extensive headquarters in Gotham City's Clock Tower, filled with information archives
-- Including data stolen from the CIA, FBI, NSA and Interpol
- High level hacking and computer skills
- Can contact Batman directly through computer

Marx: Oracle, otherwise known as Batgirl.

Stalin: Due to the Killing Joke, Oracle was...crippled.

Z: And since then, she's made a full recovery as Batgirl, wiping the floor with criminals and re-becoming a badass in her own right. Not that this makes any less competent as Oracle, Batman's trusted computer-jockey ally and daughter of Commissioner Gordon, who in turn is allied to Batman... most of the time, at least.

Stalin: As Oracle, let's just say she's like Google for superheros.

Tessera: Oracle has extensive data that is sort of not entirely legal at her fingertips, a brilliant mind and eidetic memory at her disposal, and can even fight on her own if required. And remember that mini-computer installed in the Batsuit, from earlier? Batgirl can contact The Caped Crusader through that device on a whim from her headquarters. Together, they them nigh-invincible...

Weaknesses

- Questionable sanity
- Is still a human in the end, and has his limits
- Many of his Gadgets are non lethal
- Some of his best feats are arguably outliers
- No-Kill Policy
-- ...Which doesn't apply to DeathBattle, soooo

Tessera: ..."nigh", keyword being.

Stalin: After all, Batman is not communist. He's doomed.

Z: ...spoilers, his opponent is not communist either.

Stalin: (Scoffs) Preposterous.

Marx: He also has questionable sanity, non lethal gadgets, and a few likely-outlier feats.

Tessera: ...yeah, really... that is about it. And even that's rarely stopped him. For everything he's been through, saying "He's still managed to accomplish a lot" would be an understatement comparable to stating "Taco Bell is of poor quality."

Marx: He may not formally be red, but his heart may beat crimson!!

Z: Even after 75 years, Bruce Wayne, to this day, is considered to be not only one of if not the most iconic character of DC comics, but also a hero that inspires others, that people look up to as an example of how to try your hardest to make good of something bad. No matter what else he may be, he still is, and always shall be, the Dark Knight... the Batman.

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

_________________________________________________________________________

Solid Snake

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 165 lbs

Age: 37 (At his peak, at the end of MGS2)

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Blue

AKA: David, Snake, Iriquois Plissken, The Man Who Makes the Impossible Possible

Origin: Metal Gear

FEATS:

- Inducted into the Green Berets as a teen
- Took down Big Boss in Zanzibar Land
- Thwarted Revolver Ocelot
- Killed FOXHOUND's members
-- Including his superior clone, Liquid Snake
- Helped train Raiden and take down Dead Cell
- Destroyed a tank using only grenades
- Defeated the 4th-wall-breaking psychic Psycho Mantis
- Brought down Outer Heaven
- Has saved the world multiple times
- Survived a REX vs. RAY battle with Liquid despite having an open cockpit
- Decimates eight armed and trained Paradise Lost Army Soldiers, while himself unarmed, in CQC
- Defeated Liquid Ocelot in hand-to-hand combat
-- Immediately after suffering seizures and being bombarded with microwaves that were stated to be able to vaporize a normal person instantly
- Ultimately stopped Liquid Ocelot and lived out the rest of his days in peace

Theme:

Z: The one, the only, Solid Snake, master of all things sneaky and badass. This icon of the stealth genre may be praised and beloved by many, but he wasn't always where he is today. How did he get there, then?

Stalin: It is a long story, one drenched in fiery red-

Marx: We have to save it for later. Snake was born from a government project called "Les Enfants Terribles".

Z: "Les Enfants Terrible," of course, being the government's pet project, one whose purpose was to create clones of one hardened soldier and renowned badass Big Boss in service of the United States.

Tessera: "Perfect soldiers," if you will. I mean, he was even foreseen as a chosen one that would one day save the world before he was born, it's a bit difficult to get more perfect than that.

Stalin: Well...if you added a splash of red-excuse me. Snake was given the name David, where he grew up under countless foster homes before joining the military as a teen.

Marx: He was given the codename "Solid Snake" upon joining Big Boss' special unit FOXHOUND in the Gulf War. Big Boss trained him in CQC, and Snake was on his way to be a seasoned soldier.

Tessera: One harsh training regimen spent learning such skills as skydiving, linguistic skill, and of course the now-memetic CQC later, and Solid Snake was finally ready to tackle his first mission as a FOXHOUND agent. The directive was as follows: infiltrate the militaristic nation of Outer Heaven in southern Africa, rescue the missing-in-action fellow FOXHOUND agent Grey Fox, and augur the truth regarding a mysterious new weapon known as a Metal Gear.

...sounds simple enough, but you and I both know that things get a bit more complex than that for David here.

Z: Following the incident involving opening a royal can of whoop-ass upon Big Boss and escaping the base before it self-destructed, Solid Snake realized that that actually didn't happen at all, and that he had only killed a body double of Big Boss's. This, of course, led to him abandoning FOXHOUND entirely.

Tessera: The CIA tried to sign him up for their work, but after six months David realized that this, too, was not the path for him, and resigned once more after collecting sufficient funds to pseudo-retire in the wilderness of Canada, becoming nothing more than a soldier-for-hire.

...naturally, this wasn't going to last all that protracted a period of time.

Z: Introducing, the Zanzibar Land Disturbance!! In the December of 1999, Snake got yanked from his rest by FOXHOUND's new commander, one Roy Campbell, for a new operation into the bowels of Central Asia.

Stalin: It was believed a new Metal Gear was to be developed in Zanzibar, triggering the newfound interest.

Marx: Snake was assigned the mission of actually getting through Zanzibar Land, and to take back Dr. Marv and the OILIX microbe.

Z: Complications arose, his cover got blown, some betrayals occurred that resulted in the good Dr. Marv's death at the hands of former ally Grey Fox, and Solid Snake eventually destroyed the Metal Gear D : this thing :, defeated Grey Fox, recovered the OILIX microbe, and defeated Big Boss in combat yet again. This time, however, snake took a lighter and some hairspray and roasted the ever-living shit out of Big Boss to make sure he stayed down before he got extracted while fending off the hordes of Zanzibar Land soldiers.

Tessera: He declined the subsequent offer to rejoin FOXHOUND, retiring yet again to try to settle down and leave his nightmare-ridden, war-torn past behind him.

Z: Plays the "tired, beleaguered badass" role to a tee, huh.

Marx: And so Snake retired to Alaska, where he tried forgetting about his jaded military past. He took up heavy drinking, snow dog racing, and more to get away, but it just... doesn't work out.

Z: Well, of course not, nothing ever "works out" for too long. This is Snake we're talking about.

Tessera: More specifically, then the Shadow Moses incident happened.

Z: Basically, a bunch of rogue FOXHOUND agents built themselves a metaphorical treehouse in Shadow Moses Island, threatening to drop a nuclear strike down upon the States if they didn't get Big Boss's remains back. Their response? Send Snake in to rescue the hostages and destroy the Metal Gear with the help of Grey Fox yet again.

This time, though, the entire thing was a plot drawn up by the Pentagon to kill off one of the hostages in question, president of ArmsTech weapons manufacturer Kenneth Baker, for knowing too much about the Shadow Moses Incident and their projects. To this end, they transmitted the FOXDIE virus, specialized to read people's DNA and nanomachines and thus only kill certain individuals, through Snake and to Baker. Snake was now a hero to the public, sure, but he was also outraged upon realizing what had happened, so much so that he just up and founded the non-governmental organization Philantropy with Otacon.

From there, he continued his work of infiltrating places and destroying Metal Gears well into the future, even when the orginaztion was framed as terrorists. Nothing, not psychics, not accelerated aging, not a lifetime of tragedy and struggle, nothing was ever able to stop Snake from taking out these threats to the world.

Marx: How did a Green Beret do that? A Spetsnaz could do that in one day. Easily.

Stalin: Indeed, but with more flavor, more style, more... red.

Z: (...siiigh...)

Look, if you further need convincing of his status as a badass, I should point out that Solid Snake famously destroyed a tank using nothing but grenades, can defeat people that break the 4th wall and actually turn off the player's controller, has almost single-handedly saved the world multiple times, beat up people explicitly stated to be superior to him, and even stopped an insurrection that would result in world domination immediately after being toasted in basically a gigantic microwave oven in a climatic CQC battle with the insurrection's leader, a genetic hybrid of Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot known as-

Mr. Stupid:
JOOOHN CEEEEENAAAA!!!
(A decidedly excited helmeted figure blows through the wall)

Everyone: ...!?

Mr. Stupid: As tonight at the WWE Superslam, he'll be spankin' little bitches like-

Z: WHAT THE POGO-STICKING FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?! I'm recording!!

Mr. Stupid: Oh, it's a host, ignore it.

Z: ...!!!

(incredulous gesturing)

Wh- But- I-

...Grrrrrrr-

!!!!!

ThePerpetual: Yeah? Why am I typing to you?

Z: Whhhyyyyyyyyy?!? Why is... (gestures wildly) ...that thing here? He's derailing my shindig I've put together!!

ThePerpetual: Because I wanted to screw with you!! Now you know how Big Boss felt when he was played "like a damn fiddle" firsthand, or perhaps how Solid Snake himself felt after the electric torture he received!!

Z: !

ThePerpetual: You are all but sinners, sinners in the hands of an angry god. Mwahahahahah.

...on second thought, this is boring, I'mma let you move on now. Hey, I even got to make a Jonathan Edwards reference, that's cool. Filler successful maybe!!

(Poof.)

Z: Thank you. (Turns back around)

Now!

(Swats Mr. Stupid into the air mid-John Cena sentence, the music fading with him)

Mr. Stupid: You guys were shit quality anywaaayyyy...

(Twinkle)

Z: Well, that put me in a stabby mood.

Tessera: Continuing, playing new music...

Attributes

Strength
- A genetic clone of Big Boss, who can push 9500 tons
- Traded blows with Vamp and Liquid Ocelot
- Can absorb the recoil of a railgun into his arms and swing it around like a small rifle
-- And it was stated to possess the same force as a tank turret
- Lifted a Jeep with his bare hands
- Literally punched his way out of his prison cell after purposefully getting captured
- Can knock over Gekkos with barrel rolls
- Beat Big Boss, who withstood a massive explosion (pegged as Multi-City Block or so usually)
Speed/Agility
- Can match Big Boss, who has hypersonic reactions
- Dodged Mach 20 railgun bullets after they were fired (not aim-dodging)
- Regularly evades gunfire
- Dodged Vamp's throwing knives, a feat Raiden stated he couldn't replicate
-- Raiden, who effortlessly deflects automatic gunfire
- Stated to be faster than Solidus Snake, who is considered to be in the hundreds of Machs regarding speed
- Dodged every single shot fired by Ocelot in an extended duel, who is oft cited as one of the greatest trickshots in all of fiction
- Evaded electrical discharges
Durability/Endurance
- Survived prolonged experiences of torture at the hands of Revolver Ocelot
- Can take automatic fire in a tuxedo
- Can withstand being stabbed, smashed, and electrocuted
- Seemingly limitless stamina
- Fought against Lady Luck for hours on end without letting himself get tagged once
- Survived an explosion that wiped out a large portion of Big Shell at point-blank range
- Spent several minutes straight in a hall full of high-power microwaves without any permanent injury
-- While having seizures
-- That would instantly vaporize a normal person
-- Several. Minutes.
Intellect
- IQ of 180
- Fluent in six languages
- Prep-time genius
- Master of improvisation
CQC Master
- Trained by one of the inventors, Big Boss himself
- Literally superhuman in pure skill alone in close combat
Senses
- Easily tracked Naomi Hunter through the wilderness
- Can perceive bullets in flight
- Big Boss, whom he is a clone of, could hear every word of a conversation between two people that were so far away they were not visible to the normal naked eye
-- And could spot an entire squadron of elite CIA operatives with personalized camo, waiting to kill him, and killed all 25 of them with an assault rifle
- Solidus Snake could land a gunshot perfectly inside a RAY's mouth from 100 yards away without looking
Stealth
- In spite of his other impossible feats, this is the specialty he's known for
- Snuck through Shadow Moses, only being caught very rarely
- Can vanish in plain sight
- Can get the drop on Raiden
- Tailed a Paradise Lost Army soldier back to his base
- Stealth skill is described a being better than able to turn invisible
Accuracy
- Pretty much cannot afford to miss, ever
- Stated in the comics to be a better shot than the rest of the series
Willpower
- Simply does not give up
- Fought a 100% condition Liquid Ocelot immediately after being bombarded by previously mentioned microwaves and seizures, and while still suffering from multiple wounds acquired throughout the game

Marx: Are you sure he isn't Russian-

Tessera: Yes, yes we're sure.

Stalin: I suppose, then, that Snake is actually very strong for a capitalist, theoretically capable of pushing over nine thousand tons, and absorbed the recoil of a massive railgun, along with lifting a jeep with his hands.

Tessera: And, of course, fighting off such people as the vampire-like Vamp, creative naming at it's finest, and Liquid Ocelot.

Marx: He punched out of a prison cell, and toppled Gekkos-

Stalin: And even pushed over Big Boss!

...are you sure he's not Communist? Not even a hint of red?

Z: Well, how would one define "red?" Would you define that as someone who is capable of dodging electrical discharges and railgun bullets, and of outmatching people that effortlessly deflect gunfire?

Marx: Exactly, with those feats, he must be communist!

Stalin: It is official! I have added to the cannon!

Marx: That's not how you say it.

Stalin: How then?

Marx: You add to the Official Cannon!

Tessera: I'd say "Konami disagrees," but we've recently adopted a policy of sort of just ceasing to acknowledge their existence around these parts after... a certain incident... so I think we'll just move on now.

Z: But even with this, his legendary endurance and espionage skills, his famous mastery of close-quarters combat, and more, Snake, at times, has got to bring firepower with him on his missions...

Weapons

SOCOM Pistol
- Suppressed
- 12 rounds
- Has a laser aiming module
- His signature sidearm
FAMAS
- Go-to assault rifle
- Compact and accurate
- Equipped with laser sights
PSG1
- Sniper rifle
- Scoped
- 5 rounds
M4 Carbine
- Assault rifle
- Highly accurate
- Possesses a suppressor
Remington 870
- Pump-action shotgun
- Can alternatively fire 00 Buck, Slug, or nonlethal V-Ring
Nikita
- Missile launcher
- Fires remote-guided missiles
FIM-92 Stinger
- Locks onto mechanical targets
-- Including vehicles
C4
- Explosive
- Remote detonated
Claymore Mine
- Directional anti-personnel mine that fires a spray of metal balls at high speeds
- Can be picked up by crawling over them
- Detonated when an enemy steps in range
M67 Hand Grenade
- Five second fuse after ring is pulled
Stun Grenade
- Releases a 1.000.000+ candelas flash of light and a 175 decibel bang upon detonation
Chaff Grenade
- Disrupts technology
Smoke Grenade
- Releases clouds of smoke of varying colors
White Phosphorus Grenade
- An incendiary
- Filled with white phosphorus, a substance that burns naturally on contact with air and reaches a temperature of 2700 degrees Celsius
- Inflicts continual burn damage
- For comparison, magma is typically 1300-2400 degrees Fahrenheit
Stun Knife
- Combat knife
- Capable of administering stunning shocks
Modified M9
- Equipped with tranq darts
- Silenced
Solar Gun
- Can rapid-fire low-power shots or charge up high-power shots
- Can fling enemies through the air, disarm them of their weapons and ammunition, and even knock them out
- Runs on a battery recharged by sunlight
- His most powerful non-lethal weapon

Z: On, to weapons, I mean look at this.

Stalin: ...That is an average in my country.

Marx: Well, it is kind of impressive...

Tessera: Plisskin's go-to firearm is his signature SOCOM pistol, designed light and compact for the espionage he so frequently engages in. With twelve shots a magazine, a suppressor, and a laser aiming module for increased precision, there's a reason it is his lethal weapon of choice.

Marx: He comes armed with the FAMAS Assault Rifle, compact, and accurate to boot with laser vision.

Stalin: He has a PSG1 Sniper Rifle, scoped and possessing 5 rounds a clip, to be exact. Perfect for camping and mowing down opponents with ease from afar.

Z: Buuuuut he can't really afford to go about things that way every single time, can he? Fortunately for him, he's got the accurate and suppressed M4 Carbine assault rifle to work with as well, and a Remington 870 shotgun with a variety of ammunition types for devastating blasts in even closer quarters. And if that doesn't cut it...

Tessera: Well, then there's the Nikita and FIM-92 Stinger heavy weaponry, which fire remote-guided and and lock-on missiles, respectively. This explosive ordinance is particularly useful for demolishing mechanical enemies...

Stalin: Speaking of explosives, C4 is also a staple to Snake's arsenal, for that extra explosive punch, along with a Claymore Mine which fires a spray of metal balls...you americans and your balls, eh Marx?

Marx: Exactly. Snake also used a M67 Hand Grenade with a five second fuse, a stun grenade to well, stun opponents, along with the Smoke Grenade to disrupt senses, and when you're facing high tech opponents, the Chaff Grenade.

Z: And grenades are nice and all, but sometimes, as an agent of Snake's sort, one might themselves in a very... stabby sort of mood. Much like myself, right now, in fact!! And for times like those, well, that's what Solid Snake's got the Stun Knife for. Perfect for shanking and shocking anything from enemy soldiers to surprise Mr. Stupids...

Stalin: He also uses a silenced M9 equipped with tranq darts, a solar gun for when you want to be eco friendly and use high charged shots of energy, for non lethal attacks.

Tessera: Aye, his two main tools for nonlethal takedowns. Not that it really matters in literally Death Battle, if that's what this even is still, but the point stands. And... I think that about covers it for weapons.

Z: So it does!! Now, riddle me this, audience: what do people wear if they don't like being stabbed by people in stabby moods, such as myself?

Armor and Outfits

Body Armor
- Five times stronger than steel
- Flattens bullets upon contact
Sneaking Suit
- Made primarily of rubber
- Provides insulation
- Protects against chemical attacks, to a degree
- Enhances strength
- Possesses sound-dampening qualities
- Applies pressure to the wearer's body, helping to dampen bleed effects
Bandanna
- Gives Snake infinite ammo
Disguises
- Various alternate outfits, such as jungle fatigues or robes, that could help with disguising self

Z: Why, armor, of course. Solid Snake's combination of body armor and stealth suit, here? Top-of-the-line in quality.

Stalin: His suit flat out flattens bullets on contact, along with being five times stronger than steel. His sneaking suit provides insulation, protection against chemical attacks, and enhances his strength as well.

Marx: And for some reason, a Bandanna gives him infinite ammunition, and he comes with alternate disguises like robes and the like.

Z: That about wraps it up nicely.

Equipment

Camera
- Can photograph ghosts
Cardboard Box
- Literally nothing suspicious here
- Or alternatively, a drum can
- It's a cardboard box, were you expecting a more detailed entry?
Cigarettes
- Slightly decreases Snake's health
- Steady his nerves
Pentazemin
- Steady Snake's nerves
- A good alternative to his cigs
Gas Mask
- Protects from toxic gasses
Handkerchief
- Pacifies wolves
Ketchup
-Used in tandem with lying down for Snake to fake his own death
Binoculars
- Has 2x zoom
Cold Medicine
- Exactly what it sounds like
Mine Detector
- Picks up all explosives
Night Vision Goggles
- Also exactly what it sounds like
Stealth Camo
- Makes Snake completely invisible
- Can malfunction, spewing lightning
-- Once it malfunctions, it's broken for good
OctoCamo
- Blends in to Snake's surroundings, like a chameleon
- Applied thermal technology helps regulate his temperature
Thermal Goggles
- Still what it sounds like
Soliton Radar
- Employs the KdV Equation to detect the electromagnetic waves resulting from biological reaction
Anti-Personel Sensor
- Equipped to his nanomachines
- Allows Snake to see enemies on his minimap
Gel Bandages
- Stops Snake from bleeding out
iPod
- Allows him to listen to music
- Is totally not blatant product placement
Regain
- Restores health and psyche
- Restores more psyche in cold environments
Muña
- Slightly increases rate of psyche restoration
Camera
- Allows him to take photographs
- Specifically designed for stealth missions, with resistance to external tampering
- Can photograph ghosts
Solid Eye
- Allows Snake to determine faction, emotional state, vitals/stamina, weapons wielded, and distance away from him a target is at a glance
- Has nightvision and binocular modes
-- However, usage of nightvision emits a high-frequency sound that some things can detect
- Possesses a built-in radar system

Stalin: For reasons unknown, Snake likes to take pictures of Ghosts, so he has a camera for that...he also has cigarettes for detrimental reasons, Pentazemin to ready his nerves...and the glorious cardboard box.

Marx: Nothing suspicious there. No. Nothing at all.

Z: Hey, hey, don't go around dissing the cardboard box, man. Even communist authorities don't have that right, it's the god damn cardboard box.

Tessera: "The entire success of his mission hinges on it."

We get the point, Z.

Stalin: But why? He's so advanced, he shouldn't need it!

Marx: It's not even a red box!

Tessera: Because it's a cardboard box, it is it's own justification.

Z: -_-

Tessera: Anyhow, for when the man's not skulking about in cardboard boxes or the like, he's also come equipped with a vast arsenal of miscellaneous equipment.

Stalin: Like Ketchup, a hankerchief, and a gas mask, not particularly in that order, and binoculars, which actually seems useful in this list for once.

Marx: He also has Cold Medicine, a Mine Detector, Night Vision Goggles and Stealth Camo, all of which are... precisely what they sound like. Convenient.

Z: Hey, it ain't my fault he's packing a shit ton of miscellaneous gear. I mean, he's got to be ready for everything, and we're having all of his gear be available to him. From an iPod to radar, he's got a tool for nearly every job.

Tessera: And yet, sometimes, a tool just doesn't cut it. Sometimes, one needs support in the form of...

Nanomachines

- Health Nanomachines
-- Show Snake's health on a HUD
-- Can administer adrenaline to Snake
- Grant him a healing factor of sorts
- Reduce effects of disease
- Codec
- Allows Snake to communicate with the outside
-- Which is normally restricted in Death Battle

Stalin: Nanomachines?

Marx: Son?

Z: The memes. Saw that coming from a mile away...

...sigh. Zero professionalism.

Tessera: You're one to talk, you've interrupted this prelude countless times already, and your search history consists entirely of America's Funniest Home Video reruns and eroge.

Z: Does not-!!

(A portal abruptly opens, revealing a sweaty Magus toiling away in the gulag, smiling)

Magus: You, good sir, just got fuckin' roasted.

Z: It was YOOUUU. (waving finger accusingly)

Magus: Yep!! Zero shame, used your account and everything!! ^_^

Z: ...and you disrupted my prelude... I just wanted to discuss Snake's nanomachines... hey, Marcus. You hear that?

Magus: Eh?

(A vague screaming is audible)

Z: That's the sound of forgiveness.

Magus: If this is some sort of Llamas with Hats joke setup, your punchline is weak as shit.

(Mr. Stupid can be seen steadily falling from the sky like a meteor, directly towards Z)

Z: Try a swordline then!!

(Z smacks Mr. Stupid with the flat of the Virtum Aeternam crimson sword once again, sending him flying into Magus, who is consequentially exploded into tiny chunks. Z then clenches his fist, closing the portal.)

Z: ...sometimes, I wish I had someone around that could take the job half seriously, holy fucking shit.

(Claps hands together)

Nanomachines, then!!

Tessera: Joking aside, Snake's nanomachines do prove useful. Their primary purpose is to enhance his physically, granting a pseudo-healing factor and enhanced resistance to disease, sickness, and the like.

Stalin: They can allow Snake to communicate as well, though it may be forbidden on this occasion.

Z: ...well, remember how Barbara Gordon showed up earlier, in his opponent's section?

Marx: Da?

Tessera: As much of a legend as he is solo, even The Man Who Makes The Impossible Possible brings support to this battle...

Stalin: I refuse-

Marx: Just get it over with.

Otacon

- Real Name: Dr. Hal Emmerich
- Big-time otaku
- Dropped out of school and took internet-based self study
-- Then secured acceptance to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), where he earned his PhD at a young age
- Became friends with Solid Snake after he was rescued by him from Shadow Moses Island
- Master technological developer, having invented multiple devices such as the Metal Gear REX, OctoCamo, and Solid Eye
- Highly intelligent
- Excellent mechanical engineer and computer programmer
- Also possesses great skill in hacking, which proved invaluable in Philanthropy's intelligence gathering
- Communicates with Solid Snake via the Codec

Z: Enter one Hal Emmerich.

Tessera: Born to the scientists Huey Emmerich and Strangelove, Otacon had always been, to put it in layman's terms, "a hardcore nerd." After some familial drama resulting in his mother's death, Hal being tricked into having an affair with his own stepmother, his father's suicide, and more, he dropped out of school and enrolled in online courses, got himself a PhD at MIT and a Master's at Princeton University, and eventually got hired onto ArmsTech. And now? Now, he's a hacker extraordinaire who works with Solid Snake.

Marx: He communicates via Codec, and is the brains behind many of Snake's inventions.

Z: And Hal's also a supreme intellectual powerhouse when it comes to programming and cyberspace, as well!! Not bad, given his reputation as a weak-bladdered computer nerd who literally got his codename from a gathering of otakus. Indeed, Otacon is a fine partner for Snake to work with, making him nigh-unstoppable on missions.

Weaknesses

- Chronic smoker
- Willpower, while immense, isn't invincible
- FOXDIE
-- When he gets old enough, it will painfully kill him
- Hates killing
-- ...which also doesn't apply to DeathBattle, sooo...

Z: But... yeah, weaknesses are still a thing.

Marx: Snake has a smoking problem, and when he ages...he will painfully die.

Stalin: And he also hates killing...so...

Z: That isn't going to matter in calculating a verdict of course. Besides, who cares? Flaws like these haven't stopped him from taking down Metal Gears, besting Liquid Ocelot, and saving the world!!

Stalin: Yet despite his best efforts, I feel like this Man of Steel!...

(Points to self)

...can take out this Snake any day, or any Spetsnaz for that matter.

Tessera: Just like you totally conquered that twelve-hour stroke of yours, a few decades ago. How's the migraine been treating you, "Man of Steel"?

Z: No matter what hardships he may endure, no matter what intensity or magnitude of pain, no matter who he must overcome to complete his mission, Solid Snake always perseveres. There is a good reason he is known as "The Man Who Makes The Impossible Possible", and is the embodiment of what a true hero to much of the world to this day.

"We can tell other people about - having faith. What we had faith in. What we found important enough to fight for. It's not whether you were right or wrong, but how much faith you were willing to have, that decides the future."

________________________________________________________________________

Z: Alright, the combatants are set, and are ready to go at it!!

Tessera: But first, let's hear what input our audience has to give.

Z: Also, let's hope a sane host out there somewhere can get us the heck out of dodge.

(Whispers) I'm pretty sure that those two... (Nods to Stalin and Marx) ...are conspiring to drag me back into their gulag for all eternity...

...

Fel? Ray? Angela? Literally anyone at all?

...well, this isn't good... we'll be back soon, folks. Time to stall...

thanks to , , , and for all of the help with everything, and to for being a good sport.

Sweating a little... — Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

Z: Legendary protectors, hidden within the darkness. Mostly-ordinary men who drive themselves to do that which is impossible on a day-to-day basis. Those who take after animals reviled as creatures of the unknown night, turning any such notion on it's head with their heroism. Those ones who survive anything and everything, in spite of all odds stacked against them, those who push a bit further with no regard for how much it hurts.

Tessera: These are none other than two men of legend, our combatants here today...

Stalin: Batman, The Dark Knight.

Tessera: And Solid Snake, the Man Who Makes the Impossible, Possible.

Z: I'm Z, and they're Tessera and... Stalin... apparently. Or something.

Marx: And don't forget Special K. Karl Marx.

Z: ...you know, sometimes I wonder about the wisdom of my career path. Wait, where'd the Trollmeister run off to?

(Cuts to a gulag in Russia)

Magus: (mowing down trees with lasers, clearly exhausted)

God... damn you... fascists-!! Ah, shit!!

NKVD Troika: For that insult, you shall chop down every tree in the world!! For the glory of Soviet Russia!!

(Cuts back to the station in [LOCATION UNDISCLOSED])

Stalin: I wonder where they went...

Z: And I guess it's also their job now, to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

...or Communist Disco Smackdown, or whatever the heck you call it, all the same to me.

Marx: Just CDS is superior, but onwards!

_________________________________________________________________________

Batman

Height: 6'2

Weight: 210 lbs.

Age: 34 (Usually)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Blue

AKA: Bruce Wayne, The Caped Crusader, Bats, The Dark Knight

Origin: Detective Comics #27

FEATS:

- Is considered to have one of, if not, the most keen mind in the DCU, as he's a known Polymath, and had more than ten degrees by 21
- Has plans to take out the entire JLA, and can even hack into a Kryptonian ship
- Is so intimidating, the Sinestro Corps rings couldn't have an effect on him...he even fought off the rings
- Regularly defeats The Joker, Harley Quinn, The Penguin, The Riddler, and the other Gotham rogues
- Mastered about every martial art in the world, and blended them into his own style
- Created a teleportation block to the Batcave
- Built the Batcave
- Has destroyed metals with his bare hands, and has taken on superhuman beings with his wits alone
- Fought off the Court of Owls
- As Bruce Wayne, became a publicly known billionaire
- Created the Batsuit and all of it's gadgets
- Created an outfit to be just like Superman, both physically and personality wise
- Created a suit to replicate the JLA's powers

Theme:

Stalin: Batman is an interesting character, I'd argue his best appearance is in Red Son, where yours truly appears.

Marx: We are talking about his story, not your ego.

Z: And his story's an iconic one indeed!! Long ago, a young Bruce Wayne was born the only child of the physician Dr. Thomas Wayne and his wife, Martha Wayne. They lived in Gotham, were rich, Thomas was the CEO of Wayne industries, and everything for them in life was the bee's knees. Of course, you all know this song and dance, it wasn't to last.

Tessera: Skip forward a bit, and as it turns out there were still thugs with the audacity to attack such famous, influential people wandering the streets. Several gunshots fired and a mugging later, and Bruce Wayne was left abandoned in the world, with no parent figure to turn to, nowhere to go. Rather traumatic, as one might imagine.

Stalin: He then somehow lived with Alfred, his butler, and well...traveled the world, gaining knowledge in numerous degrees, mastering martial arts, you know, bachelor things.

Marx: And the experience molded him. He vowed to stop those who wronged him and his family in the past. He would be... the Batman.

Z: And then proceeded to become a costumed hunter of evil within the city and protector of the innocent, huzzah!!

...one who owns more money than we have national debt, spends his spare time beating hobos within an inch of their lives with his bare hands, dresses like a giant scary flying mammal, and repeatedly recruits young boys to wear ultra-tight spandex and fight against the hordes of armed and dangerous criminals with him in the city with nothing but some fancy toys.

...look, I know full well how bad this sounds on paper, okay? Fact of the matter is, the man's still trying his damnedest to be a good person and keep his people safe whilst bearing the burden of his past on his shoulders. Also, comic book logic.

Stalin: Well, if you put it that way.

Marx: I don't think this man supports communism.

Z: I don't think a pretty significant portion of the population as a whole supports communism. Besides, look at how well it's turning out for him!

Tessera: ... (throws up a chart)

"Dick Grayson: Left him to become Nightwing

Jason Todd: Brutally beaten with a crowbar and blown up in 'Death in the Family'

Tim Drake: Mother killed and father placed in coma upon drinking poison-laced water

Barbara Gordon: Shot through the spine, rendered paraplegic

Damian Wayne: Turned to the dark side"

Tessera: ...to be fair, could've went better.

Stalin: He clearly followed Capitalist ideals.

Marx: Mhm...they would still be alive today.

Z: (mouth agape in exasperation) ...wha- look, that's not the point- sigh.

Well, anyways, since then Bruce Wayne, now under the fearful alias of Batman, has been everywhere, done nearly everything there is to be done, and become a memetic master of the impossible in our own world. I mean, hell, he's gone back in time after supposedly dying-

Tessera: Hm?

Z: That happens a lot, trust me, he's stolen the Green Lantern ring right off Hal Jordan's finger, stopped the Joker and other rogues of Gotham from committing more crimes, created a shit ton of gadgetry, even fought off the Court of Owls!! He's made himself into what he is today, and I say that's worthy of respect.

Marx: Maybe he's socialist.

Stalin: Possibly, but don't count on it. Excuse me, yes, that is impressive.

Tessera: ...I've noticed something.

Z: (...long, exasperated sigh)

...What.

Tessera: This theme. I didn't assign this to this bio. Why is it playing?

Z: I'm... not sure, actually. Why is this also his theme?

ThePerpetual: Because frankly, his story past the beginning point is like, really inconsistent, and he's done a kajillion things since then-

Z: Wait, who the hell are you?

...wait... I know you...

ThePerpetual: Why, I'm that author guy you keep talking about, the one you somehow beat up a couple of preludes back for no logical reason!! You know, that one who lives past the fourth wall and went on a long-ass hiatus while forgetting to tell the audience until recently? By the way, sorry about that guys. My bad.

Z: Oh, that's you? Why are you here then, even?

ThePerpetual: To try to entertain the people!! Key word being, "try."

Z: I have absolutely no idea what you're on about. That's what we normally do, you're just getting in the way.

ThePerpetual: I think you don't quite get it. See, Batman's an astoundingly iconic character, right? And you cover everybody's backstory before a fight, right?

Z: ...Yes...

ThePerpetual: See, there's my problem. Well, other than the fact you, and by you I mean I, use meta-jokes waaaay too often, and that this is me actively mocking by trash-tier comedy and sense of humor, but!! That is besides the point.

The problem here is that Batman has been rewritten as a story and been on so many different adventures, crossovers, and more that, honestly, I'd have to write a literal essay on his history. Frankly, I really just... can't... do that.

Besides, it's not like anyone comes to these things for our shitty dialogue. They come here for the fight!! The excitement!! Not to listen to me talk: or more accurately, type: to myself.

Z: What? This isn't even related to Batman at all!! Why are you here, again? To entertain the people in the audience with a gag? If you do care about this fight, then why didn't you just, you know, write up the best backstory you could?

ThePerpetual: Inevitably, someone would complain I missed something, sadly. I'm a stickler for, "If you're going to do something, do it all the way through." Besides, we both know I respect Batman plenty, and it's not like everyone and their mothers don't know who the God-damned Batman is-

Oh, would you look at that!! I got to my word quota!! Well, looks like I've got to get going now, see you maybe some day later if I feel like blatantly stealing 's The Batter vs Super Perfect Cell Prelude 4th-wall gag sometime again in the future and my pathetic attempt at appeasing our audience here was any modicum of successful. Ta-taaaa!!

(woop woop woop woopwoopwoop )

Z: ...

Tessera: ...

Z: ...

Tessera: ...

Z: ...

That's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever done. Next!

Attributes

Strength
- Can be qualified as superhuman, as he lifts 1000 lbs as an exercise routine
- He can shatter metals with his bare hands
- Broke Man-Bats arm
- Shattered Deadshot's wrist guns with his hands
- Kicked a motorcycle in half
- While his exercise routine is 1 ton, he can definitely move more, as his striking force places him higher
- Stopped a moving car
-- 5,000+ Newtons are needed to decelerate a half-ton car at a rate of ~11 meters/second squared, and Batman did so considerably more quickly
- With a straight jacket, lifted a coffin with 600 lbs of dirt applying pressure from above
- Broke a sword with his bare foot
- Shattered an assault rifle with his bare hands
- Broke handcuffs with one hand
-- Handcuffs require over 800 lbs to pull apart, with both hands, but Bruce uses one
- Tossed Dr. Death through a missile-proof door
Speed/Agility
- Dodged one of Darkseid's Omega Beams
- Outran a grenade and an explosion
- Scaled up a building with ease, stole a Green Lantern Ring off of Hal Jordan's finger, and was faster than a speeding car
-- Green Lantern Rings Automatically move you out of the way of something, showing Batman's speed
- His Grappling Hook further makes him faster
- Dodged a laser that changes position every 30 seconds
- Can backflip over a car
- Dodged Superman's Heat Vision, dodged Dr. Light's blasts at point blank, dodged Power Ring Blasts point blank, dodged gunfire point blank, sensed and dodged a sniper shot from behind, jumped out of a plane, into a moving car and out the door, and dodged blasts from Mister Freeze
- Can legitimately dodge bullets
Durability/Endurance
- Was shot in the head and kept fighting against who did it
- Fought Talon and the Court of Owls after receiving a beating from them
- Took a hit from an unrestrained Superman
- EMP Resistant
- Can tank point blank blasts meant to destroy his suit
- Can withstand Clayface's Attacks
- Completely Bulletproof and Flameproof
- Can deflect Energy Blasts
- Can go without sleep for days and control his body temperature
- Can make ten minutes of air last an hour
- Fought different opponents for 38 hours straight until everyone gave up against him
-- This happened while he was training, so it is safe to assume he can go longer
Intellect
- Genius intellect with an IQ of 192
- Is a confirmed Polymath
- Mastered over 20 degrees and courses in his twenties
- He created a virus that depowered Plastic Man, hacked all of Gotham, performed surgery on himself, created Brother Eye, one of DC's most advanced AI's, and even created his own Lazarus Pit
- He has used his wits alone to defeat his foes who physically oppose him in battle
- His detective skills are unmatched, and he holds a photographic memory
Master Martial Artist
- Took about every martial art in the world, mastered it, and used it to create his own complex fighting style, that most people are unable to detect
- He took 15 Man-Bats out with martial arts skill alone
- He has fought on par with Bronze Tiger and Deathstroke
- Has also matched the most skillful combatant in DC, Lady Shiva, and defeated her
- All in all, contends for one of DC's best H2H combatants with Karate Kid, Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva and Connor Hawke
Weapons Expert
- Has mastered every melee weapon, along with ranged weapons
Expert Tactician
- Aquaman, King of Atlantis called him the best tactician there is, and that's contending with men like Deathstroke and Prometheus
High Willpower and Pain Threshold
- Shrugged off an Electric Chair and a burning microchip
Intimidation
- Fought off a Yellow Lantern Ring, and could apply as one
Expert Marksman
- On par with Green Arrow, the man who shoots raindrops in half
Stealth
- Can breach security systems with ease and snuck up on Superman, the man who hears cries for help in different galaxies
Escapist
- Second only to Mister Miracle
- Can break out of a buried coffin, and a straight jacket in 52 seconds at his slowest
- Famous for surviving the impossible
Expert Hunter
- Was trained by African Hunters and trackers
Expert Mechanic
- Designed the Batmobile, Batsuit, Batcave, and all of its gadgets
- Designed handcuffs Mister Miracle could not break through
- His software is fastest in the world
- Made a mask that mimics faces

Z: Oh look, the actual theme was dropped off here. That's good I think.

Stalin: Batman is a powerful man, for a capitalist. He lifts 1000 pounds as an exercise, shattered wrist guns, and even stopped a moving car.

Marx: He dodged an Omega Beam, snatched a Green Lantern ring, outran a grenade, backflipped over a speeding car, and dodged Superman's Heat Vision. The Man of Steel, of all people!

Stalin: I don't recall that...

Marx: Wrong Man of Steel.

Z: Again, welcome to comics. He's hardly lacking in toughness, the trooper isn't, having fought through getting shot directly in the head, can keep going after the vicious physical and psychological beating inflicted upon him by the Court of Owls, tanked multiple physical and energy attacks of all kinds... yeah, we'd say something like "Peak human, my ass", but that's far overused, so... yeah.

Tessera: And let's not forget his acute intelligence, which to this day the man's most famous for. With an IQ of 192, Bruce Wayne has overcome foes who are physically equal or even superior to him on a regular basis using his keen mind, created and invented multiple impossible gadgets, and is hailed as the world's greatest detective. Hell, he's mastered so many skills we made entirely separate categories for them.

Marx: He's also an expert at weapons, marksmanship, and tactics as well.

Stalin: He's a master martial artist as well, having toppled the likes of Lady Shiva, and mastered just about every martial art. This man gains my respect, I have no doubt he can clear a room full of Spetsnaz.

Magus: And the Green Berets couldn't, Deadliest Warrior told me that, his opponent was a Green Beret, looks like it's case closed here, Winner is BATMAN-!!

(Turns off episode, pauses "Rise")

Marx: ...?

Tessera: (Shrugs)

...

Stalin: (Checks watch)

...

(A few seconds later, is turned back on)

Z: Sorry about that, had to punch Magus back to Russia. Please, do continue.

Stalin: That's Mother Russia comrade.

Marx: Get your facts straight.

Tessera: Indeed, fascist.

Z: What? Tess, you're not normally- (Is visibly shaking with frustration)

Stalin: Not normally enlightened in the glory of communism? Yes.

Marx: Join us Z, come to the dark side. We have Pierogi.

Z: Okay, look, I'll join your thing you've got going here, just cover Batman's stealth at least?

(Resumes "Rise")

Stalin: ...Okay. Batman's stealth. This is a good feat to look at. He has gotten the better of Superman before, and can sneak into a room full of expert assassins and superhumans with no trace.

Marx: He also is a master escapist, second to Mister Miracle, and an expert hunter and mechanic.

Z: See? That wasn't so hard. Now, weapons, before I lose my mind...

Stalin: Marx hit the music. We are talking weapons.

Marx: (Pauses "Rise")

Weapons

Batarangs
- Bat shaped Shurikens, that are thrown with extreme precision. They are also used in Explosive Form, that explode on contact, electric form, that shock opponents on contact, Thermal form, that hardened Clayface down to his core, Magnetic Batarangs to attract metal objects, Nth Metal Batarangs for extra power, Acid Batarangs to burn the opponent, and Remote Controlled, that can be moved as fired
Bat-Bolas
- Bolas fired from a pistol, to trap enemies on the move. Can also deliver Electric Shocks
Tranquilizer Gun
- Gun equipped with tranquilizers, that can paralyze opponents, and other chemical attacks
Pellet Grenades
- Can easily break down brick walls
Concussion Mines
- A higher power type of Pallet Grenade that can destroy vehicles and reinforced concrete walls
Glue Globules
- Can encase enemies in a very sticky substance
Remote Claw
- A claw with two points, one to grab the enemy, and one to launch something into the enemy that is caught
- Confiscated from Deathstroke
Thermal Grenades
- Are considered to be hotter than magma itself, and it cannot be extinguished
Remote Electric Charge
- Can be shot to overload electric devices, and electrocute and damage opponents
- Not to be confused with the EMP, which is only used for disabling
Freeze Grenades
- Can encase opponents in the radius within a block of ice
- Borrowed from Mr. Freeze
Nerve Killing Gloves
- 'Nuff Said, kills your nerves upon contact
- Not to be confused with Shock Gloves, which emit shocks to stun the foe and get past their defenses
Pneumatic Mangler
- Can cut through most metals like paper, along his wrists
Anesthetic Darts
- Contain fast-acting anesthetic
- Usually hidden in boots
Collapsible Bat-Sword
- Similar to a lightsaber
- Was used to fight off an army of robots

Tessera: Are you certain about that? This list has driven many before you bats.

Music Meister: (Shows up the hell out of nowhere)

BATS, BATS, BATS, drives us BATS-

Z: ...Stalin, in your infinite wisdom, please explain something to me.

Stalin: Da?

Z: Why... am I being paid $3.50 an hour...

...for withstanding stress and physical/psychological/emotional torture at the hands of the other hosts... and simultaneously listening to a random DC villain only a select group in our audience remember sing into my ears whilst the Soviet Union National Anthem is playing?

...wwhhhyyyy?!?

Stalin: You said "Weapons."

Marx: We assume the Soviet Nukes and weapons would be presented to the audience to show our power.

Stalin: Maybe your wage will increase if you join us.

Marx: Or we'll just lock you in our kitchen and force you to cook us Stroganoff.

Z: Shit, at this rate I'd inclined to take you up on that offer if I didn't have friends here.

...and no, Batman does not carry "the glorious Soviet Nukes" on his person. The man's possessed of a decidedly strict no-kill policy.

Tessera: For what that's worth. It's not like he doesn't mangle bodies and snap bones in twain like icicles on a day-to-day basis, after all, at least he should given some of his moves in the "Arkham" series of games.

Stalin: WE DO NOT KILL! WE ENLIGHTEN!

Marx: So what does he have? Hammer and Sickle projectiles?

Z: No. (The Soviet theme disc-scratches, "Rise" resumes)

Z: Try batarangs, collapsible steel blades inspired by the shuriken projectiles of medieval Japan. Their shape in keeping with his chosen theme, a variety of his chosen weapon exist, with explosive, electric, magnetic, acidic, and other variants prominent in his arsenal. Sounds deadly, right? Not really, somehow.

Marx: Depends on how you use it...

Stalin: He also has different variations of grappling guns, which...grapple, I suppose, and he carries various gels, not the hair product, but an explosive with again, various results.

Tessera: And this is just the start. There's the Bat-Bolas for tripping, the Tranquilizer Gun for nonlethal takedowns strictly, glue and freeze grenades for ensnaring enemies, a pneumatic mangler along his wrists, and: you guessed it: a lightsaber ripoff. This one's known as the Collapsible Bat-Sword, which he used to fend off a veritable army of robots.

Z: ...look, I know this is beating a dead horse, but this supposed no-kill policy of Wayne's realllly sounds sort of like bullshit to me.

Stalin: Add in Nerve Killing Gloves, Shock Gloves, Darts, and even thermal grenades and a Sonic Devastator which destroys the senses.

Marx: Take note Comrade.

Stalin: Indeed, we can use these ideas.

Batsuit

- A tri-weave Kevlar and Titanium made suit that is designed to withstand explosions, falls, impacts and bullets
- Contains a MR-Fluid Liquid Body Armor layer that hardens in response to physical impacts
- Has blades built to the side of his wrists
- Has taken hits from Superman while fully powered, an entire onslaught from Clayface, taken hits from OMAC, withstood hits from bullets, flamethrowers, and basically every other projectile
-- Though taking hits from Superman is generally considered an outlier
- It lets off a shock of 200,000 volts if touched, and holds a mini-rockets, has blocks to prevent mind control, an underwater breather, and tranquilizer darts
- Stores a mini-computer linking to the Batcomputer
- Radiation and shock-proof gloves
- Lead-lined cowl identifies weak-points, allows infrared/ultraviolet/night-vision, and shields him from mind control

Stalin: Batman's armor is an interesting mesh of various materials, immune to many forms of attack, like bullets, knives, and flames. It can absorb energy attacks, and is durable enough to withstand hits from Superman and Clayface.

Marx: It also can identify weak points through the cowl, and can let off 200,000 volts of electricity.

Z: And if this isn't enough, he's got ultra-sharp blades built into his gauntlets, for even more ways to literally scar people for life, and a miniature computer hooked up to the BatComputer. Yes, that's a thing.

Marx: Let's up our funds.

Stalin: Duly noted.

Tessera: Would you believe us if I told you that this isn't the end? Because it's not.

Gadgets

Utility Belt
- A yellow belt that holds all of Batman's equipment
Grapple Gun
- Batman's main form of maneuvering himself along buildings, and can use it to make himself faster in a chase
- He can also use it to watch over you stealth wise, or to latch onto opponents
Cryptographic Sequencer
- A device that can hack into computers and frequencies
Smoke Pellets
- Can overwhelm someone with a bright smoke
- Are perfect for Batman to ambush his opponents
Gas Pellets
- Can overwhelm someones smell and inhalation, as it leads to incapacitation, and even nerve stopping abilities
Line Launcher
- Used as a Zip-Line when traveling across buildings
Laser
- Another projectile that Batman fires with precision, it can cut through most materials.
Explosive Gel
- Gel that can be stuck to someone until Batman detonates it
- Mainly to destroy walls
- Not to be confused with the Napalm Gel, that ignites as well, bursting into flames
Batmobile
- His signature crime-fighting vehicle
- Armored
- Includes Closed circuit television, Direction Finder equipment, Spare Batsuits, Emergency searchlights, Traveling crime-lab, Built-in sonic range finder, Portable first-aid kit, Fire extinguisher, Geiger Counter, Smoke screen devices, 25mm Vulcan Gun, 60mm Cannon w/ high explosive penetrator shells, Multi-purpose grapple claw, and more
Bat Beacon
- Can attract a horde of bats into Batman's location at once to overwhelm the foe with sounds of bat screeches, or even attack enemies. He uses it by stomping it, as it is built into the heel of his boot.
- When Bats come near Batman, he seems to become more powerful, and to direct them, Batman has a Sonic Gun
Sonic Devastator
- Emits a screeching sound that can shatter glass and even incapacitate enemies with its sheer sounds
- Range is 100 feet
- Leaves opponents writhing in agony
Bat-Claw
- To get to high areas
- Can also attach himself to his enemies, and attack them with it
Bat Credit Card
- Because why not?
Bat Shark Repellant Spray
- Okay.

Stalin: ...

Marx: Why. Why the Credit Card.

Z: Because he lives in a capitalist society and the authors had whiffed one too many doses of weed that day? Your guess is as good as mine, pal.

Stalin: Very well, Batman has a wide range of tools, going from Pellets, to Line Launchers, to the iconic Batmobile.

Marx: Said Batmobile is armored, and has numerous weapons attached, as well. More batsuits, a portable forensics lab and first aid kit, Geiger counter, Vulcan guns and explosive cannons- wait, didn't you say that Batman doesn't kill?

Tessera: Again, he must be magical. Does this sort of thing all the time, never kills anybody.

Z: The smoke and gas pellets are used as stealth-aiding and incapacitating agents, respectively, the explosive gel is surprisingly used as an exploration/demolition tool and not a weapon, and the Bat-Beacon can be used to attract and to a limited degree even control hordes of bats. With the kind of variety his equipment has, he can easily give off he's supernatural to the unfamiliar.

Stalin: Isn't he? How can he carry so much?

Marx: Please tell me that this is the last of it.

Tessera: Actually, this exists.

Stalin: ...

Marx: Why did we agree to this?

Detective Mode

- Based on a combination of technological advancements built into Batman's suit and his own inborn heightened senses
- Allows him to see the internal anatomy of an enemy, including their heart rate
- Shows him weapons the enemy is wielding and what armor they are wearing
- Shows him enemy's emotional state
- Can detect clues important to his work

Stalin: I don't think we can buy this...

Marx: Batman's detective mode...can detect just about anything needed...

Z: Heart rate? Check. Potential weapons? Check. Anything remotely important in his detective work? Check. I mean, sort of what it says on the tin, there, Detective Vision.

Marx: Anything plot related, really.

Oracle

- Real Name: Barbara Gordon
- Formerly known as Batgirl
- Rendered paraplegic after being shot through the spinal cord by The Joker in The Killing Joke
-- Though recently has recovered from her injury and took on the mantle of Batgirl once more
- Possesses eidetic memory- almost total recall of everything she sees and reads
- Extensive headquarters in Gotham City's Clock Tower, filled with information archives
-- Including data stolen from the CIA, FBI, NSA and Interpol
- High level hacking and computer skills
- Can contact Batman directly through computer

Marx: Oracle, otherwise known as Batgirl.

Stalin: Due to the Killing Joke, Oracle was...crippled.

Z: And since then, she's made a full recovery as Batgirl, wiping the floor with criminals and re-becoming a badass in her own right. Not that this makes any less competent as Oracle, Batman's trusted computer-jockey ally and daughter of Commissioner Gordon, who in turn is allied to Batman... most of the time, at least.

Stalin: As Oracle, let's just say she's like Google for superheros.

Tessera: Oracle has extensive data that is sort of not entirely legal at her fingertips, a brilliant mind and eidetic memory at her disposal, and can even fight on her own if required. And remember that mini-computer installed in the Batsuit, from earlier? Batgirl can contact The Caped Crusader through that device on a whim from her headquarters. Together, they them nigh-invincible...

Weaknesses

- Questionable sanity
- Is still a human in the end, and has his limits
- Many of his Gadgets are non lethal
- Some of his best feats are arguably outliers
- No-Kill Policy
-- ...Which doesn't apply to DeathBattle, soooo

Tessera: ..."nigh", keyword being.

Stalin: After all, Batman is not communist. He's doomed.

Z: ...spoilers, his opponent is not communist either.

Stalin: (Scoffs) Preposterous.

Marx: He also has questionable sanity, non lethal gadgets, and a few likely-outlier feats.

Tessera: ...yeah, really... that is about it. And even that's rarely stopped him. For everything he's been through, saying "He's still managed to accomplish a lot" would be an understatement comparable to stating "Taco Bell is of poor quality."

Marx: He may not formally be red, but his heart may beat crimson!!

Z: Even after 75 years, Bruce Wayne, to this day, is considered to be not only one of if not the most iconic character of DC comics, but also a hero that inspires others, that people look up to as an example of how to try your hardest to make good of something bad. No matter what else he may be, he still is, and always shall be, the Dark Knight... the Batman.

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

_________________________________________________________________________

Solid Snake

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 165 lbs

Age: 37 (At his peak, at the end of MGS2)

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Blue

AKA: David, Snake, Iriquois Plissken, The Man Who Makes the Impossible Possible

Origin: Metal Gear

FEATS:

- Inducted into the Green Berets as a teen
- Took down Big Boss in Zanzibar Land
- Thwarted Revolver Ocelot
- Killed FOXHOUND's members
-- Including his superior clone, Liquid Snake
- Helped train Raiden and take down Dead Cell
- Destroyed a tank using only grenades
- Defeated the 4th-wall-breaking psychic Psycho Mantis
- Brought down Outer Heaven
- Has saved the world multiple times
- Survived a REX vs. RAY battle with Liquid despite having an open cockpit
- Decimates eight armed and trained Paradise Lost Army Soldiers, while himself unarmed, in CQC
- Defeated Liquid Ocelot in hand-to-hand combat
-- Immediately after suffering seizures and being bombarded with microwaves that were stated to be able to vaporize a normal person instantly
- Ultimately stopped Liquid Ocelot and lived out the rest of his days in peace

Theme:

Z: The one, the only, Solid Snake, master of all things sneaky and badass. This icon of the stealth genre may be praised and beloved by many, but he wasn't always where he is today. How did he get there, then?

Stalin: It is a long story, one drenched in fiery red-

Marx: We have to save it for later. Snake was born from a government project called "Les Enfants Terribles".

Z: "Les Enfants Terrible," of course, being the government's pet project, one whose purpose was to create clones of one hardened soldier and renowned badass Big Boss in service of the United States.

Tessera: "Perfect soldiers," if you will. I mean, he was even foreseen as a chosen one that would one day save the world before he was born, it's a bit difficult to get more perfect than that.

Stalin: Well...if you added a splash of red-excuse me. Snake was given the name David, where he grew up under countless foster homes before joining the military as a teen.

Marx: He was given the codename "Solid Snake" upon joining Big Boss' special unit FOXHOUND in the Gulf War. Big Boss trained him in CQC, and Snake was on his way to be a seasoned soldier.

Tessera: One harsh training regimen spent learning such skills as skydiving, linguistic skill, and of course the now-memetic CQC later, and Solid Snake was finally ready to tackle his first mission as a FOXHOUND agent. The directive was as follows: infiltrate the militaristic nation of Outer Heaven in southern Africa, rescue the missing-in-action fellow FOXHOUND agent Grey Fox, and augur the truth regarding a mysterious new weapon known as a Metal Gear.

...sounds simple enough, but you and I both know that things get a bit more complex than that for David here.

Z: Following the incident involving opening a royal can of whoop-ass upon Big Boss and escaping the base before it self-destructed, Solid Snake realized that that actually didn't happen at all, and that he had only killed a body double of Big Boss's. This, of course, led to him abandoning FOXHOUND entirely.

Tessera: The CIA tried to sign him up for their work, but after six months David realized that this, too, was not the path for him, and resigned once more after collecting sufficient funds to pseudo-retire in the wilderness of Canada, becoming nothing more than a soldier-for-hire.

...naturally, this wasn't going to last all that protracted a period of time.

Z: Introducing, the Zanzibar Land Disturbance!! In the December of 1999, Snake got yanked from his rest by FOXHOUND's new commander, one Roy Campbell, for a new operation into the bowels of Central Asia.

Stalin: It was believed a new Metal Gear was to be developed in Zanzibar, triggering the newfound interest.

Marx: Snake was assigned the mission of actually getting through Zanzibar Land, and to take back Dr. Marv and the OILIX microbe.

Z: Complications arose, his cover got blown, some betrayals occurred that resulted in the good Dr. Marv's death at the hands of former ally Grey Fox, and Solid Snake eventually destroyed the Metal Gear D : this thing :, defeated Grey Fox, recovered the OILIX microbe, and defeated Big Boss in combat yet again. This time, however, snake took a lighter and some hairspray and roasted the ever-living shit out of Big Boss to make sure he stayed down before he got extracted while fending off the hordes of Zanzibar Land soldiers.

Tessera: He declined the subsequent offer to rejoin FOXHOUND, retiring yet again to try to settle down and leave his nightmare-ridden, war-torn past behind him.

Z: Plays the "tired, beleaguered badass" role to a tee, huh.

Marx: And so Snake retired to Alaska, where he tried forgetting about his jaded military past. He took up heavy drinking, snow dog racing, and more to get away, but it just... doesn't work out.

Z: Well, of course not, nothing ever "works out" for too long. This is Snake we're talking about.

Tessera: More specifically, then the Shadow Moses incident happened.

Z: Basically, a bunch of rogue FOXHOUND agents built themselves a metaphorical treehouse in Shadow Moses Island, threatening to drop a nuclear strike down upon the States if they didn't get Big Boss's remains back. Their response? Send Snake in to rescue the hostages and destroy the Metal Gear with the help of Grey Fox yet again.

This time, though, the entire thing was a plot drawn up by the Pentagon to kill off one of the hostages in question, president of ArmsTech weapons manufacturer Kenneth Baker, for knowing too much about the Shadow Moses Incident and their projects. To this end, they transmitted the FOXDIE virus, specialized to read people's DNA and nanomachines and thus only kill certain individuals, through Snake and to Baker. Snake was now a hero to the public, sure, but he was also outraged upon realizing what had happened, so much so that he just up and founded the non-governmental organization Philantropy with Otacon.

From there, he continued his work of infiltrating places and destroying Metal Gears well into the future, even when the orginaztion was framed as terrorists. Nothing, not psychics, not accelerated aging, not a lifetime of tragedy and struggle, nothing was ever able to stop Snake from taking out these threats to the world.

Marx: How did a Green Beret do that? A Spetsnaz could do that in one day. Easily.

Stalin: Indeed, but with more flavor, more style, more... red.

Z: (...siiigh...)

Look, if you further need convincing of his status as a badass, I should point out that Solid Snake famously destroyed a tank using nothing but grenades, can defeat people that break the 4th wall and actually turn off the player's controller, has almost single-handedly saved the world multiple times, beat up people explicitly stated to be superior to him, and even stopped an insurrection that would result in world domination immediately after being toasted in basically a gigantic microwave oven in a climatic CQC battle with the insurrection's leader, a genetic hybrid of Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot known as-

Mr. Stupid:
JOOOHN CEEEEENAAAA!!!
(A decidedly excited helmeted figure blows through the wall)

Everyone: ...!?

Mr. Stupid: As tonight at the WWE Superslam, he'll be spankin' little bitches like-

Z: WHAT THE POGO-STICKING FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?! I'm recording!!

Mr. Stupid: Oh, it's a host, ignore it.

Z: ...!!!

(incredulous gesturing)

Wh- But- I-

...Grrrrrrr-

!!!!!

ThePerpetual: Yeah? Why am I typing to you?

Z: Whhhyyyyyyyyy?!? Why is... (gestures wildly) ...that thing here? He's derailing my shindig I've put together!!

ThePerpetual: Because I wanted to screw with you!! Now you know how Big Boss felt when he was played "like a damn fiddle" firsthand, or perhaps how Solid Snake himself felt after the electric torture he received!!

Z: !

ThePerpetual: You are all but sinners, sinners in the hands of an angry god. Mwahahahahah.

...on second thought, this is boring, I'mma let you move on now. Hey, I even got to make a Jonathan Edwards reference, that's cool. Filler successful maybe!!

(Poof.)

Z: Thank you. (Turns back around)

Now!

(Swats Mr. Stupid into the air mid-John Cena sentence, the music fading with him)

Mr. Stupid: You guys were shit quality anywaaayyyy...

(Twinkle)

Z: Well, that put me in a stabby mood.

Tessera: Continuing, playing new music...

Attributes

Strength
- A genetic clone of Big Boss, who can push 9500 tons
- Traded blows with Vamp and Liquid Ocelot
- Can absorb the recoil of a railgun into his arms and swing it around like a small rifle
-- And it was stated to possess the same force as a tank turret
- Lifted a Jeep with his bare hands
- Literally punched his way out of his prison cell after purposefully getting captured
- Can knock over Gekkos with barrel rolls
- Beat Big Boss, who withstood a massive explosion (pegged as Multi-City Block or so usually)
Speed/Agility
- Can match Big Boss, who has hypersonic reactions
- Dodged Mach 20 railgun bullets after they were fired (not aim-dodging)
- Regularly evades gunfire
- Dodged Vamp's throwing knives, a feat Raiden stated he couldn't replicate
-- Raiden, who effortlessly deflects automatic gunfire
- Stated to be faster than Solidus Snake, who is considered to be in the hundreds of Machs regarding speed
- Dodged every single shot fired by Ocelot in an extended duel, who is oft cited as one of the greatest trickshots in all of fiction
- Evaded electrical discharges
Durability/Endurance
- Survived prolonged experiences of torture at the hands of Revolver Ocelot
- Can take automatic fire in a tuxedo
- Can withstand being stabbed, smashed, and electrocuted
- Seemingly limitless stamina
- Fought against Lady Luck for hours on end without letting himself get tagged once
- Survived an explosion that wiped out a large portion of Big Shell at point-blank range
- Spent several minutes straight in a hall full of high-power microwaves without any permanent injury
-- While having seizures
-- That would instantly vaporize a normal person
-- Several. Minutes.
Intellect
- IQ of 180
- Fluent in six languages
- Prep-time genius
- Master of improvisation
CQC Master
- Trained by one of the inventors, Big Boss himself
- Literally superhuman in pure skill alone in close combat
Senses
- Easily tracked Naomi Hunter through the wilderness
- Can perceive bullets in flight
- Big Boss, whom he is a clone of, could hear every word of a conversation between two people that were so far away they were not visible to the normal naked eye
-- And could spot an entire squadron of elite CIA operatives with personalized camo, waiting to kill him, and killed all 25 of them with an assault rifle
- Solidus Snake could land a gunshot perfectly inside a RAY's mouth from 100 yards away without looking
Stealth
- In spite of his other impossible feats, this is the specialty he's known for
- Snuck through Shadow Moses, only being caught very rarely
- Can vanish in plain sight
- Can get the drop on Raiden
- Tailed a Paradise Lost Army soldier back to his base
- Stealth skill is described a being better than able to turn invisible
Accuracy
- Pretty much cannot afford to miss, ever
- Stated in the comics to be a better shot than the rest of the series
Willpower
- Simply does not give up
- Fought a 100% condition Liquid Ocelot immediately after being bombarded by previously mentioned microwaves and seizures, and while still suffering from multiple wounds acquired throughout the game

Marx: Are you sure he isn't Russian-

Tessera: Yes, yes we're sure.

Stalin: I suppose, then, that Snake is actually very strong for a capitalist, theoretically capable of pushing over nine thousand tons, and absorbed the recoil of a massive railgun, along with lifting a jeep with his hands.

Tessera: And, of course, fighting off such people as the vampire-like Vamp, creative naming at it's finest, and Liquid Ocelot.

Marx: He punched out of a prison cell, and toppled Gekkos-

Stalin: And even pushed over Big Boss!

...are you sure he's not Communist? Not even a hint of red?

Z: Well, how would one define "red?" Would you define that as someone who is capable of dodging electrical discharges and railgun bullets, and of outmatching people that effortlessly deflect gunfire?

Marx: Exactly, with those feats, he must be communist!

Stalin: It is official! I have added to the cannon!

Marx: That's not how you say it.

Stalin: How then?

Marx: You add to the Official Cannon!

Tessera: I'd say "Konami disagrees," but we've recently adopted a policy of sort of just ceasing to acknowledge their existence around these parts after... a certain incident... so I think we'll just move on now.

Z: But even with this, his legendary endurance and espionage skills, his famous mastery of close-quarters combat, and more, Snake, at times, has got to bring firepower with him on his missions...

Weapons

SOCOM Pistol
- Suppressed
- 12 rounds
- Has a laser aiming module
- His signature sidearm
FAMAS
- Go-to assault rifle
- Compact and accurate
- Equipped with laser sights
PSG1
- Sniper rifle
- Scoped
- 5 rounds
M4 Carbine
- Assault rifle
- Highly accurate
- Possesses a suppressor
Remington 870
- Pump-action shotgun
- Can alternatively fire 00 Buck, Slug, or nonlethal V-Ring
Nikita
- Missile launcher
- Fires remote-guided missiles
FIM-92 Stinger
- Locks onto mechanical targets
-- Including vehicles
C4
- Explosive
- Remote detonated
Claymore Mine
- Directional anti-personnel mine that fires a spray of metal balls at high speeds
- Can be picked up by crawling over them
- Detonated when an enemy steps in range
M67 Hand Grenade
- Five second fuse after ring is pulled
Stun Grenade
- Releases a 1.000.000+ candelas flash of light and a 175 decibel bang upon detonation
Chaff Grenade
- Disrupts technology
Smoke Grenade
- Releases clouds of smoke of varying colors
White Phosphorus Grenade
- An incendiary
- Filled with white phosphorus, a substance that burns naturally on contact with air and reaches a temperature of 2700 degrees Celsius
- Inflicts continual burn damage
- For comparison, magma is typically 1300-2400 degrees Fahrenheit
Stun Knife
- Combat knife
- Capable of administering stunning shocks
Modified M9
- Equipped with tranq darts
- Silenced
Solar Gun
- Can rapid-fire low-power shots or charge up high-power shots
- Can fling enemies through the air, disarm them of their weapons and ammunition, and even knock them out
- Runs on a battery recharged by sunlight
- His most powerful non-lethal weapon

Z: On, to weapons, I mean look at this.

Stalin: ...That is an average in my country.

Marx: Well, it is kind of impressive...

Tessera: Plisskin's go-to firearm is his signature SOCOM pistol, designed light and compact for the espionage he so frequently engages in. With twelve shots a magazine, a suppressor, and a laser aiming module for increased precision, there's a reason it is his lethal weapon of choice.

Marx: He comes armed with the FAMAS Assault Rifle, compact, and accurate to boot with laser vision.

Stalin: He has a PSG1 Sniper Rifle, scoped and possessing 5 rounds a clip, to be exact. Perfect for camping and mowing down opponents with ease from afar.

Z: Buuuuut he can't really afford to go about things that way every single time, can he? Fortunately for him, he's got the accurate and suppressed M4 Carbine assault rifle to work with as well, and a Remington 870 shotgun with a variety of ammunition types for devastating blasts in even closer quarters. And if that doesn't cut it...

Tessera: Well, then there's the Nikita and FIM-92 Stinger heavy weaponry, which fire remote-guided and and lock-on missiles, respectively. This explosive ordinance is particularly useful for demolishing mechanical enemies...

Stalin: Speaking of explosives, C4 is also a staple to Snake's arsenal, for that extra explosive punch, along with a Claymore Mine which fires a spray of metal balls...you americans and your balls, eh Marx?

Marx: Exactly. Snake also used a M67 Hand Grenade with a five second fuse, a stun grenade to well, stun opponents, along with the Smoke Grenade to disrupt senses, and when you're facing high tech opponents, the Chaff Grenade.

Z: And grenades are nice and all, but sometimes, as an agent of Snake's sort, one might themselves in a very... stabby sort of mood. Much like myself, right now, in fact!! And for times like those, well, that's what Solid Snake's got the Stun Knife for. Perfect for shanking and shocking anything from enemy soldiers to surprise Mr. Stupids...

Stalin: He also uses a silenced M9 equipped with tranq darts, a solar gun for when you want to be eco friendly and use high charged shots of energy, for non lethal attacks.

Tessera: Aye, his two main tools for nonlethal takedowns. Not that it really matters in literally Death Battle, if that's what this even is still, but the point stands. And... I think that about covers it for weapons.

Z: So it does!! Now, riddle me this, audience: what do people wear if they don't like being stabbed by people in stabby moods, such as myself?

Armor and Outfits

Body Armor
- Five times stronger than steel
- Flattens bullets upon contact
Sneaking Suit
- Made primarily of rubber
- Provides insulation
- Protects against chemical attacks, to a degree
- Enhances strength
- Possesses sound-dampening qualities
- Applies pressure to the wearer's body, helping to dampen bleed effects
Bandanna
- Gives Snake infinite ammo
Disguises
- Various alternate outfits, such as jungle fatigues or robes, that could help with disguising self

Z: Why, armor, of course. Solid Snake's combination of body armor and stealth suit, here? Top-of-the-line in quality.

Stalin: His suit flat out flattens bullets on contact, along with being five times stronger than steel. His sneaking suit provides insulation, protection against chemical attacks, and enhances his strength as well.

Marx: And for some reason, a Bandanna gives him infinite ammunition, and he comes with alternate disguises like robes and the like.

Z: That about wraps it up nicely.

Equipment

Camera
- Can photograph ghosts
Cardboard Box
- Literally nothing suspicious here
- Or alternatively, a drum can
- It's a cardboard box, were you expecting a more detailed entry?
Cigarettes
- Slightly decreases Snake's health
- Steady his nerves
Pentazemin
- Steady Snake's nerves
- A good alternative to his cigs
Gas Mask
- Protects from toxic gasses
Handkerchief
- Pacifies wolves
Ketchup
-Used in tandem with lying down for Snake to fake his own death
Binoculars
- Has 2x zoom
Cold Medicine
- Exactly what it sounds like
Mine Detector
- Picks up all explosives
Night Vision Goggles
- Also exactly what it sounds like
Stealth Camo
- Makes Snake completely invisible
- Can malfunction, spewing lightning
-- Once it malfunctions, it's broken for good
OctoCamo
- Blends in to Snake's surroundings, like a chameleon
- Applied thermal technology helps regulate his temperature
Thermal Goggles
- Still what it sounds like
Soliton Radar
- Employs the KdV Equation to detect the electromagnetic waves resulting from biological reaction
Anti-Personel Sensor
- Equipped to his nanomachines
- Allows Snake to see enemies on his minimap
Gel Bandages
- Stops Snake from bleeding out
iPod
- Allows him to listen to music
- Is totally not blatant product placement
Regain
- Restores health and psyche
- Restores more psyche in cold environments
Muña
- Slightly increases rate of psyche restoration
Camera
- Allows him to take photographs
- Specifically designed for stealth missions, with resistance to external tampering
- Can photograph ghosts
Solid Eye
- Allows Snake to determine faction, emotional state, vitals/stamina, weapons wielded, and distance away from him a target is at a glance
- Has nightvision and binocular modes
-- However, usage of nightvision emits a high-frequency sound that some things can detect
- Possesses a built-in radar system

Stalin: For reasons unknown, Snake likes to take pictures of Ghosts, so he has a camera for that...he also has cigarettes for detrimental reasons, Pentazemin to ready his nerves...and the glorious cardboard box.

Marx: Nothing suspicious there. No. Nothing at all.

Z: Hey, hey, don't go around dissing the cardboard box, man. Even communist authorities don't have that right, it's the god damn cardboard box.

Tessera: "The entire success of his mission hinges on it."

We get the point, Z.

Stalin: But why? He's so advanced, he shouldn't need it!

Marx: It's not even a red box!

Tessera: Because it's a cardboard box, it is it's own justification.

Z: -_-

Tessera: Anyhow, for when the man's not skulking about in cardboard boxes or the like, he's also come equipped with a vast arsenal of miscellaneous equipment.

Stalin: Like Ketchup, a hankerchief, and a gas mask, not particularly in that order, and binoculars, which actually seems useful in this list for once.

Marx: He also has Cold Medicine, a Mine Detector, Night Vision Goggles and Stealth Camo, all of which are... precisely what they sound like. Convenient.

Z: Hey, it ain't my fault he's packing a shit ton of miscellaneous gear. I mean, he's got to be ready for everything, and we're having all of his gear be available to him. From an iPod to radar, he's got a tool for nearly every job.

Tessera: And yet, sometimes, a tool just doesn't cut it. Sometimes, one needs support in the form of...

Nanomachines

- Health Nanomachines
-- Show Snake's health on a HUD
-- Can administer adrenaline to Snake
- Grant him a healing factor of sorts
- Reduce effects of disease
- Codec
- Allows Snake to communicate with the outside
-- Which is normally restricted in Death Battle

Stalin: Nanomachines?

Marx: Son?

Z: The memes. Saw that coming from a mile away...

...sigh. Zero professionalism.

Tessera: You're one to talk, you've interrupted this prelude countless times already, and your search history consists entirely of America's Funniest Home Video reruns and eroge.

Z: Does not-!!

(A portal abruptly opens, revealing a sweaty Magus toiling away in the gulag, smiling)

Magus: You, good sir, just got fuckin' roasted.

Z: It was YOOUUU. (waving finger accusingly)

Magus: Yep!! Zero shame, used your account and everything!! ^_^

Z: ...and you disrupted my prelude... I just wanted to discuss Snake's nanomachines... hey, Marcus. You hear that?

Magus: Eh?

(A vague screaming is audible)

Z: That's the sound of forgiveness.

Magus: If this is some sort of Llamas with Hats joke setup, your punchline is weak as shit.

(Mr. Stupid can be seen steadily falling from the sky like a meteor, directly towards Z)

Z: Try a swordline then!!

(Z smacks Mr. Stupid with the flat of the Virtum Aeternam crimson sword once again, sending him flying into Magus, who is consequentially exploded into tiny chunks. Z then clenches his fist, closing the portal.)

Z: ...sometimes, I wish I had someone around that could take the job half seriously, holy fucking shit.

(Claps hands together)

Nanomachines, then!!

Tessera: Joking aside, Snake's nanomachines do prove useful. Their primary purpose is to enhance his physically, granting a pseudo-healing factor and enhanced resistance to disease, sickness, and the like.

Stalin: They can allow Snake to communicate as well, though it may be forbidden on this occasion.

Z: ...well, remember how Barbara Gordon showed up earlier, in his opponent's section?

Marx: Da?

Tessera: As much of a legend as he is solo, even The Man Who Makes The Impossible Possible brings support to this battle...

Stalin: I refuse-

Marx: Just get it over with.

Otacon

- Real Name: Dr. Hal Emmerich
- Big-time otaku
- Dropped out of school and took internet-based self study
-- Then secured acceptance to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), where he earned his PhD at a young age
- Became friends with Solid Snake after he was rescued by him from Shadow Moses Island
- Master technological developer, having invented multiple devices such as the Metal Gear REX, OctoCamo, and Solid Eye
- Highly intelligent
- Excellent mechanical engineer and computer programmer
- Also possesses great skill in hacking, which proved invaluable in Philanthropy's intelligence gathering
- Communicates with Solid Snake via the Codec

Z: Enter one Hal Emmerich.

Tessera: Born to the scientists Huey Emmerich and Strangelove, Otacon had always been, to put it in layman's terms, "a hardcore nerd." After some familial drama resulting in his mother's death, Hal being tricked into having an affair with his own stepmother, his father's suicide, and more, he dropped out of school and enrolled in online courses, got himself a PhD at MIT and a Master's at Princeton University, and eventually got hired onto ArmsTech. And now? Now, he's a hacker extraordinaire who works with Solid Snake.

Marx: He communicates via Codec, and is the brains behind many of Snake's inventions.

Z: And Hal's also a supreme intellectual powerhouse when it comes to programming and cyberspace, as well!! Not bad, given his reputation as a weak-bladdered computer nerd who literally got his codename from a gathering of otakus. Indeed, Otacon is a fine partner for Snake to work with, making him nigh-unstoppable on missions.

Weaknesses

- Chronic smoker
- Willpower, while immense, isn't invincible
- FOXDIE
-- When he gets old enough, it will painfully kill him
- Hates killing
-- ...which also doesn't apply to DeathBattle, sooo...

Z: But... yeah, weaknesses are still a thing.

Marx: Snake has a smoking problem, and when he ages...he will painfully die.

Stalin: And he also hates killing...so...

Z: That isn't going to matter in calculating a verdict of course. Besides, who cares? Flaws like these haven't stopped him from taking down Metal Gears, besting Liquid Ocelot, and saving the world!!

Stalin: Yet despite his best efforts, I feel like this Man of Steel!...

(Points to self)

...can take out this Snake any day, or any Spetsnaz for that matter.

Tessera: Just like you totally conquered that twelve-hour stroke of yours, a few decades ago. How's the migraine been treating you, "Man of Steel"?

Z: No matter what hardships he may endure, no matter what intensity or magnitude of pain, no matter who he must overcome to complete his mission, Solid Snake always perseveres. There is a good reason he is known as "The Man Who Makes The Impossible Possible", and is the embodiment of what a true hero to much of the world to this day.

"We can tell other people about - having faith. What we had faith in. What we found important enough to fight for. It's not whether you were right or wrong, but how much faith you were willing to have, that decides the future."

________________________________________________________________________

Z: Alright, the combatants are set, and are ready to go at it!!

Tessera: But first, let's hear what input our audience has to give.

Z: Also, let's hope a sane host out there somewhere can get us the heck out of dodge.

(Whispers) I'm pretty sure that those two... (Nods to Stalin and Marx) ...are conspiring to drag me back into their gulag for all eternity...

...

Fel? Ray? Angela? Literally anyone at all?

...well, this isn't good... we'll be back soon, folks. Time to stall...

thanks to , , , and for all of the help with everything, and to for being a good sport.