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Published: 2006-02-21 04:35:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 64; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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I stared into her cold eyes unable to move. I was frozen, caught in her tangled web. She held out her hand and beckoned me forward. At first nothing happened, my mind was blank of every thought and function. I slowly felt myself give a step forward. I was in a daze. I watched myself, as a ghost over my shoulder, make my way painstakingly towards her. Her eyes were unwavering. I stopped a few paces in front of her. Her smirk became a full-fledged smile.The look her eyes was triumphant. I shook my head slowly at first, then became more frantic. No, not here. She wouldn't do it again. She promised that last time was the last time. She wouldn't do it would she? I don't even know why I asked myself that question. Her smile said it all.
"No, no, no, no..." I whispered breathlessly. Her smile became even wider. She put her staff between us and the bottom of it dug into the dry soil. A low chanting began underneath her breath and she wound her fingers around the orb.
Her movements struck me out of my stupor. The conceited smirk was still there as I slowly backed up. She was doing it, right now. I gasped and dodged to the side and ran as fast as my feet could take me. The buildings on both sides of me were becoming solid brown blurs.
A burning started in the pit of my stomach and I was slowing down. The burning spread like fire with a vengeance. It seeped through my veins and it was slowly burning me from the inside out. I could hear it, the low growl of my fire. I dared to look back. I could still see her, but she was a speck on the horizon.
I slowed down to a measly jog when I slammed into a wall and fell to the ground with little strength left in me. The fire was growing. I looked up and saw I had run into Nelo. His eyes looked like they too were on fire as he looked at the horizon. I stumbled a little trying to get back up. The fire had spread through my whole body and was taking it over. My heart was beating fast and hard that even I wouldn't have minded tearing it out.
I fell to my hands and knees clutching my stomach. I felt hands on my shoulders and I lifted my head. Nelo's eyes were overflowed with concern. I saw his lips moving, but I couldn’t here anything he said. The fires’ roar was loud in my ears.
"Get...away." I pleaded. I hoped my voice was loud enough to here. A burst of pain emitted from my stomach. Sickenly, I did hear myself give a weak, feeble cry. I tried to get up again, but I fell. I raised my head again searching Nelos’ eyes for any sign that he heard what I said. I couldn't understand anything he was saying to me.
"Get...awy...frm...e." I wheezed out. My vision had started to go dark, his beautiful green eyes slowly fading into the black blanket. My mind was sinking into an abyss. I couldn't focus on anything. I could feel it inside of me, I was going to let loose and forget really soon. His face disappeared completely in the dark and the last things I heard were screams and the roaring of my fire.
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Comments: 1
Daughterofthewind [2006-02-22 01:41:55 +0000 UTC]
OoOoOo very nice! I like it alot but sadly...I have suggestions....
Ok for starters in "I watched myself, as a ghost over my shoulder, make my way painstakingly towards her." I think you should take out the "as a ghost over my shoulder" just saying I watched myself is enough.
Then "She promised that last time was the last time. " is too repeatative maybe try "She promised last time, she promised never again."
And with "A low chanting began underneath her breath and she wound her fingers around the orb." maybe try, A low chanting began underneath her breath as she wound her fingers around the orb.
Also instead of "The burning spread like fire with a vengeance. It seeped through my veins and it was slowly burning me from the inside out." you could try: The burning spread like a fire with a vengeance, seeping through my veins as it slowly bured me from the inside out.
And maybe instead of "I could feel it inside of me, I was going to let loose and forget really soon." it could be: I could feel it inside of me, growing, and I knew all would be forgotten soon.
My last comment would be that though your descriptions are excellent you have alot of short simple sentences. You should try to blen it more and just let it flow.
I hope my suggestions help and I can't wait to read more one that someone's adventures
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