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tmpst24myst — born on the fourth of july
Published: 2003-07-08 07:45:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 161; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 27
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Description
Ok. So the title is cliche. If you knew what this was about you yourself would agree that this is the most fitting title.This is in progress so any ideas would be helpful, editing, structure..etc... I don't ask for this kind of thing often...never really.
Inspired by Bill and Bob and the blue book, brought to you via Bill Gates-
written by me.
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Comments: 15
There are a few words here and there that do stand out as a bit out of place with the atmosphere of the rest of the piece, but at the same time they add a lightness of tone that keeps this from getting lost in a seriousness that would bely it's intention. I like this a lot.
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Good work, I'm impressed. I had to read it a few times to see it but I like how it pulls me away from something I expected. Given that I might obsess over politics a little, the political realm was where I thought it was going to go when I saw the title, that and I've also heard the phrase in the title used elsewhere in a political manner. Then I was pulled into the image of a man and a woman seemingly expressing their love, but then looks like it turns into a rape, at least in the interpretation that I received from this. I'm probably way off base with this. Also the final few lines realy stand out well in expressing the mood.
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I am slowly catching up with my 300 watch submissions. I was drawn to this one because my birthday is July 4.
It developed into something I wasn't expecting, and I like that.
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hehe... i was thinking half way through it "more like conceived on the fourth of july"
ahem
anyhow
I like it, not sure what to think of it
but I like it
that second last stanza makes me think of Scream... ¬_¬
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wow, i've missed your words. this doesn't sound like it's still 'in progress' at all, to me. beautiful.
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cliche....u say..?
life / death.... i wonder.....~~~~
the image is a pretty deep contrast many wont grasp/
@ last those who see in the dark have arrive to critique your lines of descriptive inner cries...... look ladie, that poem of your is very much what many must go thru in order to realize one lives dead when one clings one shallow thing. never ending cycle & rings of self inflicted pain.
in other words your poem is beautyful....
& in tyhe final werds // wake up.
clever oNe
ps the sounds of independence day is prophecy of day of judment...... many lack 2 realize..
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im going to read this until i knwo it by heart
beautiful
wow...
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Wow, I don't know what hit me, but something in this poem did.
Incredible, simply incredible.
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I hate to say this, but I don't really get it. My sixth sense must be out of order.
I love the way the lines clench and then stretch again. It's a wonderful read really and once this progress is concluded, may I suggest to call it 'spoken word', because it rolls of the tongue so to speak. The imagery is great too enhanced with sound effects and all. It's just that I can't get the title in the context. At any rate, I like very much what I read here, sometimes it's not the knowledge that gives the satisfaction, but the feelings that come up.
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eye really like the ending to this. eye am afraid of water, and to think of the birds having a sixth sense about staying out of the water due to an unseen danger just hits home with me. good stuff...
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That's a pretty interesting ending. Couldn't have done better myself.
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I think my favourite line in the history fo all poetry was this
Never once did the clouds threat
rain, but some how even the birds
knew to stay away from the water
that day.
and trust me i wish i could do more...
wow...
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