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withoutane — Responsibility to
Published: 2002-08-16 04:43:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 69; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 9
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Description Responsibility

Sliding out from under her
blankets, inching fingers from between the knitted holes
hush the televison for when I hit rewind
the tape slides back commercials flicker on
about everything that we seem to need some of.

Congratulate the film
for her sleeping ears,
those last words, the ILoveYous
at the end of bedtime stories.
Staring at a two bundled eyes,
two bundled lips, thick with sleep
just a crack that whispers in and out, my only
reply for expectations.
Fold the blanket lay it right, away the video, out the lights.
Then it's out the door, arms down sleeves and hands deep into pockets.

I feel like a father to these women,
though I would slip into their beds
but I have a place to be that needs
nervous with me gone.


It could have been a foot of snow
for that girl's warmth
when GoodEvening slipped past my smile

morning then if you prefer.
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Comments: 2

ndifference [2002-10-16 18:36:23 +0000 UTC]

Oh yes, I do believe that's one nicely crafted poem. Such a good command of ambience, I even read it aloud quietly for fear of waking someone in the poem up.

There are two awkward spots, in my opinion. The first is commercials flicker on/about everything that we seem to need some of. The idea is great, but the rhythm is a little choppy, probably due to the string of monosyllables and the dangling preposition. It reads more smoothly with something like commercials flickering/about what we seem to need.

The other is but I have a place to be that needs/nervous with me gone. Feels like there should be a comma after "needs."

Perhaps removing another stray word or two would tighten it up more, but this is so good I think the minimal effort at a slight revision would be well worth it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

azurejer [2002-08-18 18:28:24 +0000 UTC]

This has been one of your best pieces, I think, that I've read....it's hard to believe (but somehow not surprising) that this has recieved no comments. A favourite, for sure...this work is excellent.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0