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withoutane — delectable
Published: 2002-08-03 04:09:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 100; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 15
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Description
delectablegirls are pretty when they walk
( better when they crawl)
pretty with their make up on
(perfect with theirs back's against the walls)
that silv’ry laugh? A bless’ed sound
(I’d prefer a moan or scream)
the way they walk? It sets me free
(it’s better when they’re on their knees)
and there’s nothing in a moonlit drive that lacks
(though the ride gets better in the back)
and each conversation? However neat
(could never beat that silence later. My favorite treat.)
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Comments: 2
Although I think you should be chastised for this I do like it. I think it is funny in a evil bastardly way and I like this version much better than the second
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Tsk Tsk sam. the rhyme and meter on this is terribly sloppy. not like you at all.
perhaps if it was longer it could work as a self sustaining sloppyness but as it is it just lets the poem down.
I'm like the black and white line and contast idea, but the perenthesis makes it seem very cliche. perhaps opposing left/right formating would get the idea across.
and one other thing. I really like the end couplet forming a complete and cohesive sentance but it needs to be in starker contrast to the back and forth of every other couplet. have you considered making this a sonnet?
i hope you don't let this one lay the way it is. would love to hear counterpoints
-Dave
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