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withoutane — worthless -
Published: 2002-09-15 22:11:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 89; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 17
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Description
WorthlessWorthless doesn’t only come
from lovers hands on others
but pours with hate and all those little ifs
& fathers stares at you asleep
the couch your bed for just that morning
when you can pray the tremors back.
Dawn lasts just a moment when you’re late & then
it’s fuck and out the door with everything
that could be packed into a bag between
socks,
books papers pens and cigarettes
and squeezing into shoes. It all comes
back when they come peeling off
when the day is done
it’s coming back as I watch them lie,
one shoe upturned
where is Ruffin
the other squeezed into a corner with mud
along the sides.
Is Kiera smiling somewhere
Is she? But all that’s just a game before
I slip back into the bed that I left
last night beneath its covers
trapped all the words I know
are coming, but only all alone
where my mothers whispers me
an asshole all by herself so I won’t yell
where she can know it’s true. Those words
will come out in red ink for today. Tomorrow
we can all smile
through little grated windows.
I doubt my days are any smaller
than if my house was the big one not
some broom closet with a vengeance
vowed to keep me inside.
If my mistake, I think
were any different it would be by who knew,
that I would not tell a single friend if it were
me behind bars and crying on a whim.
But there would be no socks
no flustered somewhys to toss me
out the door and in and into rage and plea
no women whose whisper let me grow
bigger than such little things.
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Comments: 1
Some parts read awkwardly, like
& fathers stares at you asleep
the couch your bed for just that morning
"Fathers" followed by "stares" seems like a problem, as well as (perhaps) some missing punctuation (comma) between "asleep" and "the couch."
This line than if my house was the big one not has a bad linebreak and lots of throw-away words like "if," "was," "one," "not." I think you could find a better way to say this. Something like:
I doubt my days are any smaller
than this broom closet with a vengeance
Minor technical problems are all I see, though. This is a very solid foundation. Please work on it some more and turn it into something truely special.
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