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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

This is just a random thing I suppose, but it's how I really do feel. I also made the picture above to go with it, you're free to use it if you like (I made it look like one of those quote things xD)

Relationships and love are one of the worst things I've had to deal with. I think I like someone but then I realize, do I really like them? Or do I just like the idea of them? Sometimes I can figure it out myself but other times I become stupid and just go for it. I'll try to date that person or I'll kiss that person. Then most of the times I realize that I don't really like them that way and then I just don't know what to do, or I realize that even though I liked them I just don't feel that spark or that feeling that says "this could be the one I could be happy with". I don't want to hurt them but I also don't want to force myself to be with them. I've only truly been in love a few times, and I've either missed my chance, fucked it up, or realized that even though I love them, they don't treat me the way I should be treated. Like they are controlling and manipulative, and always try to guilt trip you and tell you what to do, and it just ruins the happiness of that relationship. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and tell myself to not fuck up this relationship or not to try and date this person because it ends in hurt for them or me. Love truly is one of the most difficult things in life, and I hate that. Sometimes I'll just be hit with that strong sense of loneliness and I just become sad and think about old times. I'll wish that I wasn't single and I had that one person to just cuddle with and be with and do things together, like watch youtube or anime, or play video games together. But then I'll realize that I'd rather be single because I just don't have the energy to go out anywhere and sometimes I'll look for any excuse to just stay home. I'm also scared, I'm scared of starting a new relationship with someone because I'm afraid that I'll be hurt, or I'll drive them away. I'm scared that they won't be able to deal with my moments where I become really angry or my depression comes out to play again and I'll just push them away. I'm scared that they won't want to be with me if they find out that I have to take all this medication to deal with my depression and being bipolar. I'm scared that they'll just get tired of me because I can't help but be negative or sometimes I just want to be with them but I don't want to do anything. I'm scared that once they see me at my most vulnerable they'll leave or take advantage of it. I'm scared they'll lie or cheat and I won't ever find out because I'm too trusting and too oblivious to notice any signs. I'm scared that because of something I like or something I support they'll look at me different. I'm scared that they'll only want me for one thing or they want something from me that I'm not comfortable with, that when I say no they'll try to force me or they'll leave. I'm afraid of love, and I hate it. There are so many things I'm afraid of happening, some reasons even being so stupid that it doesn't make sense yet I'm still scared.
I'm also scared to even have my own family, I can't even have kids of my own, I can't become pregnant because I'll have to stop my medication, and I could become dangerous to myself, the ones I love, and even the child inside me. I'm scared of the pain that could happen. I'm scared that the person I spend the rest of my life with won't let me do what I want, that they'll change, that they'll deny me my own happiness. That they may force me to do things and I'll end up giving in for the sake of my family. I'm scared that they'll want me to have their child but they won't understand that I mentally and physically can't, that they won't want to adopt a child and that they'll leave me because of it.
But the thing I think that I'm most afraid of is being left alone, or being hurt so much that I want to be alone and I'll never have a family of my own. I'm so scared of the future... I'm so scared of love... I'm really scared... and I hate it.....

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

This is just a random thing I suppose, but it's how I really do feel. I also made the picture above to go with it, you're free to use it if you like (I made it look like one of those quote things xD)

Relationships and love are one of the worst things I've had to deal with. I think I like someone but then I realize, do I really like them? Or do I just like the idea of them? Sometimes I can figure it out myself but other times I become stupid and just go for it. I'll try to date that person or I'll kiss that person. Then most of the times I realize that I don't really like them that way and then I just don't know what to do, or I realize that even though I liked them I just don't feel that spark or that feeling that says "this could be the one I could be happy with". I don't want to hurt them but I also don't want to force myself to be with them. I've only truly been in love a few times, and I've either missed my chance, fucked it up, or realized that even though I love them, they don't treat me the way I should be treated. Like they are controlling and manipulative, and always try to guilt trip you and tell you what to do, and it just ruins the happiness of that relationship. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and tell myself to not fuck up this relationship or not to try and date this person because it ends in hurt for them or me. Love truly is one of the most difficult things in life, and I hate that. Sometimes I'll just be hit with that strong sense of loneliness and I just become sad and think about old times. I'll wish that I wasn't single and I had that one person to just cuddle with and be with and do things together, like watch youtube or anime, or play video games together. But then I'll realize that I'd rather be single because I just don't have the energy to go out anywhere and sometimes I'll look for any excuse to just stay home. I'm also scared, I'm scared of starting a new relationship with someone because I'm afraid that I'll be hurt, or I'll drive them away. I'm scared that they won't be able to deal with my moments where I become really angry or my depression comes out to play again and I'll just push them away. I'm scared that they won't want to be with me if they find out that I have to take all this medication to deal with my depression and being bipolar. I'm scared that they'll just get tired of me because I can't help but be negative or sometimes I just want to be with them but I don't want to do anything. I'm scared that once they see me at my most vulnerable they'll leave or take advantage of it. I'm scared they'll lie or cheat and I won't ever find out because I'm too trusting and too oblivious to notice any signs. I'm scared that because of something I like or something I support they'll look at me different. I'm scared that they'll only want me for one thing or they want something from me that I'm not comfortable with, that when I say no they'll try to force me or they'll leave. I'm afraid of love, and I hate it. There are so many things I'm afraid of happening, some reasons even being so stupid that it doesn't make sense yet I'm still scared.
I'm also scared to even have my own family, I can't even have kids of my own, I can't become pregnant because I'll have to stop my medication, and I could become dangerous to myself, the ones I love, and even the child inside me. I'm scared of the pain that could happen. I'm scared that the person I spend the rest of my life with won't let me do what I want, that they'll change, that they'll deny me my own happiness. That they may force me to do things and I'll end up giving in for the sake of my family. I'm scared that they'll want me to have their child but they won't understand that I mentally and physically can't, that they won't want to adopt a child and that they'll leave me because of it.
But the thing I think that I'm most afraid of is being left alone, or being hurt so much that I want to be alone and I'll never have a family of my own. I'm so scared of the future... I'm so scared of love... I'm really scared... and I hate it.....