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zphoenixdownz — Daniel didn't cry
Published: 2010-03-05 17:21:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 111; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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no less gigantic without shame or a homeyou are swollen with charming lies and a child
picking up all the pity points you can find
like shiny slick pennies from a fountain
pinching my ass like you actually got something -
anything to offer that hasn't already been given or taken
unwavering in pursuit of scraps: attention and food
until i finally open my heart and my passenger door
to chauffeur your sweaty girth around this june city
"killing me softly" begins to narrate from the radio
your harmony beats lauryn hill for soul but not talent
i ask what you want to eat; you say "chinese"
so i drive you to the buffet on granby street
dragon-kim-dynasty-whatever near that purple joint
all little white plates, heat lamp heaven, stainless steel troughs
you load up twice for lunch, once for dinner, and then
smooth talk me into trying shitty calamari while
you play your pregnancy like a discount card
convincing the owner to charge me just twice, not four times
and if that's not enough, they let you walk out with leftovers?
i feel this will be the end of us
my samaritan debt seems all paid up
but you call from a hospital days later as
i'm planning my weekend around an out-of-town friend
i don't recognize the number and let it ring.
i recognize the desperation in the voicemail.
your epic tale of woe dilated like your cervix,
too early... too early... much too goddamn early.
and i arrive too late to meet Daniel
born and died with lungs too goddamn tiny
all that's left are booties and a little knit cap
you give me an ultrasound photograph
like the horror in my eyes keeps asking for
an autograph, or a tombstone,
something to pin my tears on
you act sad but your body whispers relief
as you beg me to take you to a movie
i oblige
you choose spider-man 3
i think it sucks so fucking much
kinda like everything in this chinese buffet of pain
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Comments: 1
Good job. Glad you did.
Random note: I remember the bread on the sandwich your mom made me more than I remember her face. That's true, if shallow.
Best part: imagery. For example:
-picking up all the pity points you can find
like shiny slick pennies from a fountain
-i feel this will be the end of us (Ouch)
-something to pin my tears on
Most confusing: occasional lines where I had to read twice, but not because of poetic ambiguity I think, but because you need a comma or something. For example:
-you are swollen with charming lies and a child
picking up all the pity points you can find (Wait, a child is picking up something? Oh, now I see....)
-pinching my ass like you actually got something -
anything to offer that hasn't already been given or taken (Wait, what's the hyphen for?)
-your harmony beats lauryn hill for soul but not talent (Beats like a heart? Or beats like a competition?)
Most dangerous (in a bad way): the temptation to step toward cliche. Not quite over the line, but too close? You decide. For example:
-until i finally open my heart
-out-of-town friend (ok, not cliche, but clunky?)
-i recognize the desperation in the voicemail. (Purposeful that periods show up more toward end?)
-your body whispers relief
I love that Spider Man 3 was so bad. I love that you return to the chinese buffet in last line. I'm not sure I love "of pain," but I can't think of anything else better.
You rock.
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