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zphoenixdownz — alaskan dream v3
Published: 2003-11-04 18:47:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 338; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 24
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Description
Snow packedon the window.
Roll it down to
have a look,
at only white
pouring in on me.
Roll it back up,
and turn to see
a blonde girl,
half-dead in the
passenger seat.
I clasp her fingers
and blow
warmth into them.
She stirs to find
me, praying
with her hands.
Kissing me
on the cheek,
she knows:
we are going to die
without a fire.
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Comments: 9
I read all three versions of the poem, and if I'd just read the first version, I wouldn't have liked it. This version however, I really dig. Shortening it down gave it much more impact, and made it more intense, and the mood actually changed between the versions - I read it v3-v2-v1-v3, and saw the change in mood happen. While the first was crude and a bit of a drab, this is melancholic, intense and beautiful. The short lines also add something to the poem, a sense of haste, yet the mood is very mellow. The mixture is powerful.
me, praying
with her hands.
That imagery is shockingly good. I can't imagine why I haven't seen it or thought of it before, when people warming eachothers' hands actually do look like their praying. You have a keen eye for detail obviously.
The ending is just perfect, especially since you moved the ending line one notch down. Kickass.
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...brr...
I didn't read the first two. But I sure do like this.
Mmm gave me a delicious chill.
I love a good frisson every now and then (thanks).
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Everything about cold inspires me, makes me nostalgic and a bit sad.
Love this.
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Interesting idea, original.
praying
with her hands., clever.
N
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I personally enjoyed this.
Anyone who says otherwise disagree's with me... hah, turn me into an asshole now.
No, really, I did... I'll think more on it later, but it nears completion.
- Keegan
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i think i honestly liked the first two better.i can't tell you why.this one just doesn't have quite the same feel as the previous ones,but its still good.
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uplifting? I'd say depressing...there's nothing worse than hypothermia
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