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DivinitasAlias
[7987186]
[]
"Always circles, never straight."
# Statistics
Favourites: 557; Deviations: 32; Watchers: 10
Watching: 20; Pageviews: 5911; Comments Made: 180; Friends: 20
# Comments
Comments: 46
Hey! i was wondering if you were the coauthor of One Pancake At a Time by AikEav
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Hello,
I've recently published the prologue and the first chapter of the story I'm writing, The Eternal Nightmare. The main purpose of my story is for me to get better at writing, so I would love to get some feedback. If you have the time and wouldn't mind checking it out, I would really appreciate it!
The Prologue: [link]
Chapter #1: [link]
Thanks for your time!
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Depends what it's about. Give me a good reason to read it, and maybe I will.
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It's about a guy who's abducted into a world that is ruled by the Darkened. He is the only person who remembers the world as it was before (the one we currently live in). Then, he sets on a quest to find his precious family, the people that were taken away from him.
Why should you read it? Because, one, you would be immersed into an outstanding world that will bemuse and inspire you, and two, because you will be able to help a fellow writer become better.
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"Bemuse" means "to puzzle or bewilder (someone)." I'm not sure I particularly care to be willfully confused.
Also, in general, I'd suggest using a better hook for getting someone to read your writing than "It's about a guy who..." Hooks work best with main character names, and a presentation of the problem or major conflict. (ie, John Smith has been abducted by a race of humanoid beings called the Darkened. In order to escape/restore order/whatever he must embark on a perilous quest to find XXX.)
I'll see what I can do.
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I should have just copy-pasted the prologue, since it is the actual hook. It's not that long either...you should read it, and then tell me if it is a successful hook or not...
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Thank you for the favourite, I am glad you liked it.
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i don't know where to look but i was really surprised i heard your voice
they were playing rihanna's song about chains and whips and it reminded me of you and i missed you and miss you
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Come find me, doll
Up in the mountains, at the top of a Hill
where summer never leaves the heart
When springtime is only a formality
Come find me, doll
I'll be waiting,
trapped inside too much time, dressed to the nines
while children run about in t-shirts
and shorts
Come find me, doll
I'm under the influence of something like sun
caught up between lack of action
and the action lacking time--
I'll be on the Hill,
I promise,
staring at the sun from the steps under the angels
tomorrow.
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thanks for adding Icarus to your favourites.
'tis appreciated!
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"dear you,
itβs empty timeless
a song of past and present
maybe a smattering of future
and a touch of something
indefinite
like a question of why
red still reminds me of home
and if I would want to go
away again
or if staying in one place actually
sounds like something
I can do
now
itβs just in the feeling
of sitting alone
maybe awake and staring
in the darkness
asking questions about why
the darkness feels like a question
or why the scraping at the window
sounds like comfort
because maybe itβs someone
and I look for the ghosts
because otherwise
Iβd be wholly alone
and I just canβt do that
again
smile for me, maybe
just a small smile
like you can remember the way
it feels to begin again
to believe again
like youβre nine again
maybe ten
and Iβd pretend to be eleven
while Iβm still just seven
again
maybe breathing again
because perhaps I forgot
and itβs a reminder
hearing the music
singing a song
just for me
again
signed,
me"
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You should do it .__. TAG. We will suffer together
[link]
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No problem!
Also...that is so pretty~
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Yep, no problem! Tis lovely art. ^^
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