PerfectPhoenix In reply to JurassicSteamRacer13 [2018-02-06 08:50:39 +0000 UTC]

Sup.

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JurassicSteamRacer13 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2018-02-20 19:43:18 +0000 UTC]

you know, have you ever watched Teen Titans?

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to JurassicSteamRacer13 [2018-02-20 21:38:13 +0000 UTC]

Yeah.

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JurassicSteamRacer13 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2018-02-20 21:39:30 +0000 UTC]

then you should see this.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to JurassicSteamRacer13 [2018-02-22 01:20:02 +0000 UTC]

Pretty good.

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JurassicSteamRacer13 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2018-02-22 01:58:47 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, The user I met really likes Sean Coover and finds him adorable, which respect her.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to YugoslaviaPKMN [2017-12-11 08:47:45 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the wishes. And things are all right on my end. Could be better. Recent 'criticism' locked me down hard on writing, so I've been playing more League of Legends to pass time and de-stress. Now I'm getting my rhythm back, but it's just hard nowadays

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to WhiteBlade-the-Zero [2017-12-11 08:44:19 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. We outta talk more. 8D 

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WhiteBlade-the-Zero In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-12-12 21:13:47 +0000 UTC]

Agreed, and I'm glad to see that I was not the only one to wish you a happy b-day on DA.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to WhiteBlade-the-Zero [2017-12-16 23:51:29 +0000 UTC]

Well, everyone in the Skype group already sent me their wishes. I made quite a few 'enemies'. Putting that term lightly, but my group's not as big as it used to be. Lol.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to MaySadet1991 [2017-08-27 03:22:44 +0000 UTC]

Okay. First off, it just sounds like you're worried about your character's role more than the overall characters. 

I focus on the main characters and what they add to the plot and if they're vital enough to get a message along evenly. It's not like every single character that's made in a story gets a big enough spotlight. The point of most is to highlight and show other features that the main characters display. If that were the case, where would Roy be, the duelist that dueled Rika during the first few chapters? What about the Dueling Robot Sparr, who just dueled about twice in the series? What about all the teachers?

That's how my stories are written, Sadet. 

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MaySadet1991 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-27 03:38:34 +0000 UTC]

Im not trying to be worried about my character alone I was using her as an example
Im worried that you have written Roy and the others as one off characters or background teachers
My little Pony has 6 main leads yet they spend time bringing out Discord, Spike, and a few others once in a while
hell one of their season finishers was focused on Discord, Trixy, Starlight, and Thorax not the main 6
all Im saying is dont make named characters 1 time or 1 dimensional

I know it's your story, but I wanted to help you improved
cause the real me isn't always happy Happy Sunshine and Rainbows just like the real you isn't always doom and gloom
I get up set, you still enjoy things
what Im saying is give others more time and emotionals
like have Sadet worry for her friends cause of what Danielle did to them
have Roy be a little scared but show that he is trying to get better
have Neo show some rage

just give everyone else some extra emotions to make them feel human

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to MaySadet1991 [2017-08-27 03:51:16 +0000 UTC]

You do realize how many characters I have to juggle around, right? You think it's just so incredibly easy for me to dedicate some time to certain characters while doing all that? And guess what, Sadet? MLP and YGO are not the same thing. We both have completely different messages to get across. MLP focuses on friendship and values while my Academy focuses more on casuals vs competitives. It's easier to write one thing while it's difficult to write another. 

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-08 09:52:43 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Commenter

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JolteonRahm243 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-10 01:37:29 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Owner

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to JolteonRahm243 [2017-08-10 02:15:11 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Commenter

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JolteonRahm243 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-15 08:18:17 +0000 UTC]

A roast means you insulted me. You didn't insult me in the slightest. You made me laugh. So you failed, biiiiiitch.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to JolteonRahm243 [2017-08-15 08:25:28 +0000 UTC]

Well obviously it hurt if you're still here. Any rational person would have just left on and be on their way. But you're over here wasting your time. It just shows I hurt ya good and you're here trying to do it to me.

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JolteonRahm243 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-15 08:34:19 +0000 UTC]

So you aren't rational? And no I'm not trying to hurt you. I've been criticizing you and your boring ass work. I bring up you insulting me only because it proves you are a hypocrite.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to JolteonRahm243 [2017-08-15 08:44:03 +0000 UTC]

First off, you came to my profile, looking for a fight. That's what you were going on about. You don't go insulting my friend's work and then turn around and try to critique me. 

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-08 14:07:17 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Owner

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-08 17:30:03 +0000 UTC]

Hidden by Commenter

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420smokeChalo In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-15 10:01:56 +0000 UTC]

But thats five chapters you had a chance to make it interesting, it doesn't matter how great it is in the end, you won't be able to garner an audience interested in your work if you can't hook them and give them the reason and drive to continue reading. Not everyone will sit through and keep reading after the first chapter if they didn't like it. I heard you say peacekeepers was your greatest work, but i'm having a hard time seeing it. Mind you, the first chapter of peacekeepers was actually good though, for its introduction I was hooked and very interested to see what happened next. The intro was actually well done for pacing, and there was decent build up to garner interest to continue reading. I'm going to excuse some of the grammar mistakes and the even the names, which I still find weird that the names seem to be weird amalgamations of other parts of words, or just really off cases. No one in story comments on this so it seems natural to the world I suppose? Also within the first chapter things are mostly a mystery, we don't really have a conflict established or a goal, just that our main character presumably Serena is trying to get a job joining a special law enforcement team.

With the build up of chapter one, it gets dismissed as we get into chapter two, you spent too much time describing unnecessary detail that has yet to be plot relevant. One thing I want to mention is dialogue, Tigara the leader of HQ doesn't really seem to reflect her occupation in her interaction. Such as in chapter two when she was explaining the COMMS device to Serena she said "It's what we all pretty much have." Rather than stating "It's standard issue." These minor details are present throughout the series, where the characters don't reflect their traits or occupations in their dialogues or interactions. Also in the end of chapter 2, the pace slows down and hits a stop so the auras can be explained, while in the fight and combat scenes with those robbing the bank, I didn't read or see any hints relating to or hinting to the aura. So its just mentioned at the end to explain no injury to Mikee. It should have been more incorporated into the fight scene rather than having it just be an explanation at the end. Still no big bad introduced as of yet, but we'll have to see.

Now for me to mention the third chapter, I know that it seems a decent number of people end up mentioning the third chapter of peace keepers to you and they keep hitting the same point on it. My only integration to that is that there should have been some sort of subplot going on, because going to a museum in itself isn't very much fun. Anything, a character interaction or maybe something they have to solve during their trip, because as has been said, the whole thing is just all exposition and no conflict or interaction. So what we get is more descriptions of characters and some backstory that doesn't seem to be relevant to the current conflict, and such things like this is where the story gets boring because it becomes tedious ends up stopping any plot progression in order to do world building, which tells us NOTHING about the current world and only about what has happened in the past. Also why is there an ancestral hero related to people in the main cast? You end up handing our heroes a lot of freebies in order to excuse their abilities and or justify them with some sort of chosen one plot point instead of them earning their abilities or powers. Also you mention the dimension hopping, why did you include inter-dimensional travel to be integral to the story and the world itself but so far its just been used to justify the existence of some characters. Do all heroes need to be some chosen group of powered individuals? Thats a rather common theme between both peacekeepers and Cryptid Hunters: Unleashed.
I have not read chapter 4 or 5, but chapter 4 is another short one with hopefully conflict, hinting from chapter 3's ending lines.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to 420smokeChalo [2017-08-16 00:33:27 +0000 UTC]

Gotcha. I'll make sure to write these points down and buckle down on re-writing the two chapters. Thank you very much for your time. Hopefully now once I fix these, maybe then it'll get some more people onboard.

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-09 00:36:17 +0000 UTC]

Yeah but I don't think the first 5 chapters should make your reader fall asleep while he's reading it...
Legit happened.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-09 01:42:33 +0000 UTC]

So with all these problems, what do you suggest I do then? Condense more?

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-09 02:24:45 +0000 UTC]

World Building needs to be more organic. I found it lazy that your characters just visited a museum and not just use the first five chapters as a way to introduce the audience to your world.
Condensing it would only result in you halting your story just to dump the exposition.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-09 02:57:16 +0000 UTC]

Right. Anything else I should fix, other than just certain names? And what about my problems with descriptions?

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-09 05:42:59 +0000 UTC]

Mikee should either be spelled Mike-e or Mikey.
Also Your descriptions go on for far too long and are rather redundant. You often repeat words that people who bother using context clues would already have picked up on. It makes your chapters very long winded and boring.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-09 08:44:42 +0000 UTC]

Sorry, keeping the Mikee that way. Been with me for about ten years at this point, not changing it for a moment. 

Got it, I'll keep that noted when I write more.

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-09 10:09:41 +0000 UTC]

Also a friend of mine who was reading your work with me found it annoying that he can't seem to escape LunaticSnivy's and Cryoflare's Characters.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-09 10:17:59 +0000 UTC]

Anything else to add to the list? Because at this point, it's becoming an entire list. I know I got problems with my writing, but now it's starting to sound a bit fishy.

To answer that completely, it's more of a thank you. Because...you know, probably the few readers who've supported me on this story? Luna helps me greatly with the art especially. Not to mention they help me loads with plotline and other info. If there's a problem with that, I frankly don't give a rat's ass. I did build them very similar to their Cryptid Hunters selves for another reason. But that will be addressed in a future chapter.

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-09 11:14:42 +0000 UTC]

Personally, I don't think you need to be too descriptive with the characters in the story since you have the character art on your gallery.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to warriorsofskaro1010 [2017-08-09 17:45:55 +0000 UTC]

Again being fishy. You just said this. I'm too descriptive. Why dont you just tell me everything wrong with the story instead of saying things one by one?

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CleffStro In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-10 00:30:22 +0000 UTC]

Well, he /could/ tell you everything wrong with the story, but sometimes it's better to focus on larger issues before combing through the smaller problems. If you constantly over-describe characters to the point where it becomes boring then that's a much more important issue than a few grammatical errors here and there that might catch a more attentive reader's eye. Not saying grammar isn't important, but if it's a more infrequent problem than the former it shouldn't be your main focus, for example.

In summary: Yes, he could tell you everything that's wrong. But a lot of those issues are much smaller than others: It's better to pick apart the bigger issues "one by one" as opposed to doing everything at once.

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PerfectPhoenix In reply to CleffStro [2017-08-10 02:13:59 +0000 UTC]

Which again, I understand, but by making bullet point by bullet point. Usually when critics do reviews, or wanting to actually help others They list the major points, not going one by one, literally pulling the most random points. I now understand I get too into descriptions and need to lay off. There's no need to call out different names or anything else like that if they're meaningless.

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warriorsofskaro1010 In reply to PerfectPhoenix [2017-08-14 10:01:36 +0000 UTC]

"There's no need to call out different names or anything else like that if they're meaningless."
What's that suppose to mean.

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