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Published: 2009-11-06 22:21:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 1424; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 6
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BANG! A gunshot pierced the serene silence of the night. I clenched my fist around the handle of my pistol.BANG! They're getting closer. Any second now they're going to see the hat I dropped. Damn it! Why didn't I pick that up? It's a nice hat.
CRASH! There goes the door. The sound of footsteps coming closer made a rhythmic, almost musical sound. My heart pounded. The noise stopped. All was silent, save a lone cicada chirping in the distance. Odd, they usually aren't active this late into the year. Maybe-
BOOM! Really, that was kind of weak. They're the Esposito family for Christ's sake. I expected at least a 14K, not some measly smoke bomb. Oh well, it sounded like it came from downstairs, so I should have a few seconds. I began to mentally prepare myself. 10…9…8…
"Maybe he's upstairs!" 2…1…
BAM! The closet door gave in a surprisingly satisfyingly way. I dashed to the staircase, and pointed my gun at the mobsters below. Damn…witty catchphrase. Eat lead? No, that's cliché. Go to hell? Doesn't really fit the scenario as well as I'd like. Maybe - Oh shit, they saw me. I guess I should just fire. I flinched, preparing for the recoil I've become more accustomed to than I'd like.
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! What the hell? Damn. That's right. I unloaded the gun when I entered the marketplace. That's what I get for thinking things would go well.
BANG!
"What the hell? This is my favorite coat! Bastards!" I rolled across the room and made for the window. Peeking out, I saw that they only left one guard outside. Piece of cake.
"GHAH!!!" I burst through the window, making as much effort as possible to have it appear that the gun I was waving was not about as effective as the glass shards that were falling with me. Based on the expression that the sorry militant had, I daresay it worked. Before his jaw retracted, I swung wildly in his general direction. A sickening crunch indicated that I hit. Not even bothering to see how he fared, I raced to the doorway. Shouts were coming from the building as the mobsters began to collect themselves. Leaving no time for them to catch on, I leaned forward, snagged my hat, and kept going. With no time to look back, I slipped into an alleyway, and continued my escape. The narrow passageways of New Venice provided familiar ground as I negotiated the long rows of diners and apartments filled with unsuspecting citizens. With a good distance between me and the meetinghouse, I dared a peek over my shoulder. My efforts were rewarded with a bullet grazing my shoulder. Damn, I'll need to get that checked later. Fortunately, however, salvation was before me. An open door sat invitingly in the road, welcoming me into its warm innards. Leaving no time to hesitate, I slipped in.
I only had a few seconds to survey the new setting, but they yielded a sizable bounty of scenery. I had entered a fine restaurant, one that served only the highest strata in society. Odds are I'm the dingiest thing to set foot inside for years. At least, that's what I gathered from the expressions of the patrons. The room was filled with snooty upperclassmen and politicians, people whose pampered lives have cushioned them far beyond reason. It's doubtful that these people had seen even a paper cut in the last year, let alone the various cuts and wounds that covered my body. The host merely stood there, mouth agape. He looked rather foolish, and I would most likely have burst out laughing right then and there had the mobsters not charged in through the door behind me.
Panicking, I dove behind the nearest table, causing the screams of a group of rather haughty businesswomen. Propping the table in front of me, I fumbled through my pockets for ammo. A bullet pierced through my makeshift barricade while I was doing so, which caused me much stress. I had apparently wandered into the only bistro in town that served the rich without providing sturdy tables. How unfortunate. Finally my fingers met the chilling touch of cold metal. I grabbed it and jammed the clip into my gun. I jumped up and whipped it around, hoping the sudden move would give me enough time to fire off a couple shots. I began to take aim, when I realized that there were eight of them. That's not good. I'm not prepared to handle more than five. Stepping backwards, I began to unload. A couple fell before they reacted, but once they realized what was going on, I was forced to run. I dodged through screaming patrons and flying tableware as I made for the backdoor. Bullets were flying everywhere, and I did my best to return fire. Pained screams occasionally added to the commotion, and I feared I may have hit an innocent or two in my haste. No time to check, though, I was almost there. The swinging doors beckoned the freedom I longed. I reached out to push them open, and-
THUD! I ran right into something. Or someone, rather. The sudden impact caused me to fall to the ground. Stunned, I began to pick myself up, when I saw the hefty gentleman who had stopped me. Judging by his figure, he had clearly never heard of vegetables. This may have proved to his advantage however, seeing as his uniform indicated that he was a bouncer to the restaurant. Why wasn't he at the door? I surveyed his figure, looking for a weapon. I noticed a nightstick, which worried me, but nothing in the way of firearms. That's some benefit, at least. I began to turn to check on my pursuers, when a gleam of light on his chest caught my eye. He had an odd emblem adorned on his chest. I was puzzled for a moment, when at last I realized, it was upside down. Repositioning it in my head, I felt a sickening lurch in my stomach. It was the emblem of the Esposito family. Damn my luck! I just happen to wander into an Esposito-run shop while I tried to escape. While I dwelt on my misfortune, however, my enemies were doing other things. Tubby here grabbed me by the collar of my coat and lifted my up.
"Oi! I happen to like this coat very much!" Tubby was not amused, unfortunately. He flung me across the room, causing me to slide across the bar along the side. Glasses and bottles fell left and right, and I soon toppled off the edge. Ducking behind it, I assessed the situation. Two men were at the entrance, and Tubby was at the backdoor. Three mobsters were surveying the damage, and two were approaching. Time for action. I reached into my coat, and pulled out a round metal ball. 7K. It'll have to do. I lobbed it over the counter, and quickly covered my ears. A loud bang sounded as it hit the ground, and several people cried out in terror. This provided the distraction I needed. I ran towards the kitchen, gun ablaze. Tubby, still disoriented from the bomb, absorbed the first bullet, which caught his attention. The second hit his enormous gut, and the third hit him in the arm. The fourth went over his shoulder, and then I heard a worrying sound. CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Out of bullets. What a perfect time. Still running towards Tubby, I leaped into the air, hoping that he would be too distracted to resist. I was right for once, and I landed a solid kick into his stomach. Breathless, he stumbled back, gasping for air. I swerved around him and headed for the kitchen. The chefs were abuzz, hearing gunshots, and a couple was just heading towards the door to investigate. The florescent light reflected off the oversized knives they wielded, still soaked with the blood of the animals they worked with. Letting out a war cry, I waved my gun around, making sure to point it near each of them. If it worked once, maybe it'll work again.
The chefs were distracted by the gun, so I ran past them, grabbed a box off the counter, and headed for the door. Both hands were filled, so I leapt forward and executed a flying kick on the door. The door, being unlocked, provided no difficulty. I ran outside, and searched my surroundings for my next course of action. Seeing a street sign under a dimly lit lamp, I realized I was several miles from the office. I needed a new plan. Spotting a nearby dumpster, I dashed forward, praying that no one had left the restaurant yet. I leaped in, and waited.
Several minutes passed, and the screams coming from across the street died down. Voices continued, but those eventually stopped after an hour or so. I reclined on the pile of junk, preparing myself for the night. I took a flashlight from my pocket, and examined my loot. Chicken. Rice. Something green. It's a passable meal. Only now realizing that I hadn't eaten since yesterday, I demolished the food with a gusto I hadn't even exhibited mere hours before when fending for my life. Lying back, I reflected on the previous day. What was I doing again? Oh, right. I was investigating the Johnson murder. Okay then, I guess I'll put the Esposito family down for a "maybe".
Related content
Comments: 35
versailles6 [2011-07-24 05:33:38 +0000 UTC]
I find the narrator to be instantly likeable. His humor helps to break up the steady flow of action. You give just enough internal conversation at the beginning to let us understand he's being chased by some mobsters, and also elaborate later on in the restaurant scene, showing that our narrator may be a little shady himself.
I'm torn on your opening, however. While I do like jumping right into the action, I think there might be a little too much "he did I did". The narrator is chased from place to place, and that is fine, but I would zero in on areas with too much verbage and see if you can't trim those paragraphs, cut some bits, or breeze over it so that we're not going step-by-step through the entire chase. I would focus on the scene where he's waiting in the closet and him getting out of the house, and then the shop scene.
Overall it's good writing, but it is slightly overwhelming for an opening scene.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to versailles6 [2011-07-24 18:26:18 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the feedback!
I have gotten a pretty positive response overall about the narrator, which I am glad to hear. It does give me a better idea about character designs than I had before, since I mostly stumbled into his likability.
That seems to be a very good point, and I don't think I've really heard that yet. I'll have to take a closer look, and I imagine I could make quite a bit of improvement because of it, so thanks!
Thank you for your help, and I appreciate both your praise and criticism!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
versailles6 In reply to 1337Salty [2011-07-24 19:08:01 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome I'm glad that you found it helpful. The piece has a enjoyable flow and great potential.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
RPGraphicDesign [2010-09-07 22:01:55 +0000 UTC]
i like the main character's humor...that's the first thing...the second thing is that there were a number of grammatical errors and misspellings (don't worry about those, just try to find them and fix them...i do it a lot too, trust me)...the third thing is that i found myself generally confused. i'd like to see you go into more detail, yes, but about the main character...i'd like to know more about him, about what he thinks, any faults, make him more relatable...also, i really wasn't able to catch what he was doing or why? i think you should start with what's motivating him to check into these Esposito characters. Overall, however, I thought the pace of the chapter was good, i tripped up a couple of times, but that's all just stuff that can be fixed later...and i my first impression of the character himself was a good one, although i would like to know more about him.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to RPGraphicDesign [2010-09-07 23:13:18 +0000 UTC]
Hey, thanks for the feedback!
First off, I'm glad you like it! I've gotten a surprising amount of praise for it. XD
Secondly, I'm not entirely sure what you're referring to. It checks out with Spellcheck, and the only grammatical errors I noticed when reading through it were intentional sentence fragments. It is possible that I've made some changes to my copy that haven't shown up here, though, so that could explain it.
Third, I can sympathize with you, but it was sort of intentional. I wanted to start it off with a bang, so to speak, so I dropped you in the middle of an action scene. More gets explained over the next couple of parts, and I was working on a part that gave more detail to the setting when I stopped. As far as this individual part goes, though, I kind of wanted to keep things relatively simple. There will be plenty of time for motivation and character development later.
I'm glad you liked it, and yes, it could still use a bit of editing. It's nice to know your opinion of the pacing, too. Although some of what you pointed out was intentional, if it comes off as confusing, then it might not be the best choice. I'll keep your input in mind.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
RPGraphicDesign In reply to 1337Salty [2010-09-08 04:50:39 +0000 UTC]
no problem...i try to be as constructive as possible in my critiques. i really think it'll help you grow as an author, in the long run.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to RPGraphicDesign [2010-09-08 19:12:57 +0000 UTC]
Yes, I understand, and I appreciate it. Thanks!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
rancidfan [2010-06-29 13:51:11 +0000 UTC]
This is great! I was able to imagine that I was there looking at what was going on. You have done a great job.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to rancidfan [2010-06-29 15:08:27 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! No matter how many times I hear it, I still find it hard to believe, for some reason. I'm really glad that you enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Tanzchai [2010-04-11 15:21:38 +0000 UTC]
I like this. The internal dialogue is really nicely done, it gives a good idea of the character. I also enjoyed the pace of it. It's a great opening piece of capture the reader's imagination and draw them in.
I really liked it and thought it worked as it is. Yea maybe you could have some more scenic descriptions but the focus is the action, which you did really well
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to Tanzchai [2010-04-11 15:49:34 +0000 UTC]
Thanks, that's great to hear! I did kind of forget to properly describe the setting, and that's the main thing I've heard needs improvement. I plan to fix that in my later works, but thanks for the advice!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
twelvedaysofjune [2010-03-24 00:10:49 +0000 UTC]
Please specify what areas you'd like critiqued in your author's comments and resubmit to #project-improve . Thank you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
VampiricBunny [2010-03-15 23:18:08 +0000 UTC]
This was quite lengthy of a prose, but I adored the structure, especially at the start. The story was quite interesting too.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to VampiricBunny [2010-03-15 23:23:54 +0000 UTC]
It was originally going to be a novel for NaNoWriMo, so it may be a bit longer than expected. And thank you, I'm glad you liked it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Galactusworldeater [2010-03-02 05:07:08 +0000 UTC]
Ha, bizarre story pacing and mannerism, but I liked it, especially the characters closing thoughts, and how he had to kill several people and destroy a restaurant just to get a meal. I wish I knew a little more about ho he got there though.
The only advice I have for future work is to remember you layout a bit more, based on the information given here there were a few inconsistencies with his actions and results and the environment. His hat, mentioned to be lost is picked up later, I assumed he went back the way he came to get it, but this lead him to a new restaurant.
Tubby seems too super human, he takes a bomb, and several bullets, and the main character is wondering if he will be distracted enough for him to get by? He should be wondering if he dead yet instead.
Anyway these things are minor and can be avoided in the future by reviewing the scene set up as you read it. Good job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to Galactusworldeater [2010-03-02 20:26:56 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the advice, that will certainly come in handy once the time comes for me to edit it. Looking back on it now, I can already see a few things needed to be changed, including some of what you said.
I suppose some of the confusion from this comes from a negligence to describe the setting, which is one of the largest areas I need to improve on. The main character is a cop in a science fiction setting, so the gun and the bomb might not be what you're expecting. The bomb is more of a stun grenade of sorts, providing a disorienting flash, but no major physical damage. As for the gunshots, I did my best to specify that none of the hit locations would be immediately fatal, but I can see that didn't work too well. I guess distracted might be the wrong word; he was more worried about if Tubby was still in fighting condition. If he hadn't passed out from the bullet wounds, it's possible that he might go into a fit of blind rage. He was somewhat unsteady from his injuries, and the kick wasn't as much to hurt him any more as it was to get him out of the way.
The environment probably could be described more, you're right. Looking over it now, I'm somewhat confused as well, so I had better see to that when the time comes.
Thanks for the compliments and the suggestions; I'll be sure to review this comment when I end up revising this scene!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Galactusworldeater In reply to 1337Salty [2010-03-04 20:48:58 +0000 UTC]
Welcome, keep up the good work and thanks for taking the criticisms well.
Its good, just needs a bit of polish.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
johnnybgoode666 [2010-02-21 03:18:52 +0000 UTC]
I like your style. It's good at conveying the tension and the energy of the scene. I also liked the way you use little clues (like the Johnson murder and the Esposito family) to show a bigger universe.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to johnnybgoode666 [2010-02-21 03:57:31 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Yeah, both of those have to do with parts of the story farther down the line. And I'm glad you like it!
Oh, and thanks for the !
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
demon-polecat [2010-02-20 18:58:26 +0000 UTC]
It's a well-paced action sequence, but there isn't much in the way of story until literally the penultimate sentence. It might be an idea to slow down at some point and let the reader in on what's actually happening.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to demon-polecat [2010-02-21 00:05:45 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Actually, that was somewhat intentional. This is only the first scene, so I wanted to draw the readers into the character, and I kept the plot points to a minimum. You can see that there is more emphasis on the plot in the next two chapters. Thanks for the feedback, though!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
InTheScript [2010-02-16 04:54:06 +0000 UTC]
Wow! This... is very surprisingly good. I instantly liked the main character. I really love your style of writing. Highly entertaining. From the first sentence i was completely in the story and wasn't thinking of anything else. Really really great story! ^_^
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to InTheScript [2010-02-16 20:10:56 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! I'm actually quite surprised about how people have reacted to the character. I hadn't really intended it, but he seems to be well-liked. And thank you! That really is nice to hear.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
1337Salty In reply to stonedInc [2010-02-10 03:15:58 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I would hope so.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
seventysevenpercent [2010-02-10 00:50:28 +0000 UTC]
mmmm definitely enjoying this, and im really impressed that you've created such an instantly likeable character
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to seventysevenpercent [2010-02-10 01:01:58 +0000 UTC]
I'm glad you like him!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
moskvitchok [2010-01-02 17:13:05 +0000 UTC]
I thoroughly enjoyed the pace and humor of this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
1337Salty In reply to Silanthir [2009-11-06 23:04:10 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I've got another chapter and a half done, but I'm still deciding whether or not I should continue. I'd love to hear your opinion!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1