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Logic, Math and Love

          “I wish I could listen.” the boy said to me, “You are the definition of logic.” I looked at him with the baffled look I always use, like he’s so stupid that it frustrates me. And he is. Jeremy doesn’t show any regret in his eyes as he speaks to me with his calm voice. He really is one of the most normal of my friends. I smile, and, with a purposely unsympathetic voice: “Then why won’t you listen?”
          He takes a deep breath. Both of us know that his answer will make no sense to me. “You see… logic and math and all those things don’t apply to love.” I throw another dumfounded look at him. “Love is… well, she says she loves me, and I know I love her no matter what she does to me.” He knows I’m about to interrupt him there, so he continues a little louder, “I want to be with her, and I guess love is blind so I need to willingly put on my blindfold so Michelle knows I love her. I would never want to deny her freedom.”
          Jeremy has been telling me this for over a month now, so why does he think he’s right now? “Jeremy, she’s a slut, man. You’re just so...” he looked at me and smiled, “whipped?” I made a hand gesture of a whip, complete with the sound. Jeremy didn’t argue or anything. He picked up his gloves, and thought out loud “maybe I am whipped.” We both stopped for a second, facing each other in the little train booth. He gave his purely relaxed look, sitting back a little.
          I knew he didn’t want to change the subject, no matter how futile the conversation seemed. He took a breath. “Ally… You have to understand that Michelle still loves me, and I still love her. And no other man would do this. No other man would wait this long without giving up. That’s why I have to hold on: because I know nobody else would, not even Brian…. I guess that’s why I’m doing this… Because it proves that between me and Brian, I am the better man. I’m willing to wait. It’s like... a test of my faith.” I think about this, though still very aware that his decision is terrible. He looks down at his gloves and quietly adds to what he said “But... yeah... It’s still hard knowing she’s giving all her affection to another man, and that she hasn’t been treating me the same since it started.” I let a little smile escape. I’m sure as hell not going to cry for him. He’s told me his story enough for me to know crying for him is a waste of time. What would help him is a good slap across the face.
          He looks me in the eye and asks probably the dumbest question in the world “What do you think of all of this? How do you think I should feel about how she’s treating me?” I don’t give him any mocking look, trying to be respectful. “I think that from what I hear you love her a lot.” He nods a little as I continue, “You’ve skipped days at school, you’ve spent every second of your time to try and connect with her. All afternoon, you’re always online or on the phone, to get a chance to talk to her. You’ve put up with all this shit with Brian. But she doesn’t seem to notice that you do all of these things for her… and what has she done for you? I think the least she could do is break up with this Brian guy.” He seemed to be very moved, for once about what I said “You know you’re right… I should tell her that it’s time to either dump Brian or prepare to lose me… what have I got to lose?” I could see he seemed a little depressed. His tone seemed quiet and unsure for what he was saying, as if he was an actor reading a script wrong. “What’s wrong?”
          He looked up at me, a little startled by my sudden sincere concern for his feelings, “Oh, I’m fine. I just tell myself every night that I will stand up for myself… I know tonight won’t be any different. It never is. If I try anything she’ll convince me that I should trust her… and I’ll feel bad that I didn’t trust her in the first place. I wish I could do it, but I just can’t.”
          He stood up in the train and I had realized that we were already at his stop. “Bye Ally, see you next week.”
          I saw him again on Monday. He got on the train, and we talked for a while, both waiting for one of us to bring up Michelle. I finally did, realizing Jeremy would have to get off soon enough. “How are things with Michelle” I was certain he would say he tried, but realized that he should let her stay with Brian “if that’s what she wants”. He’s said it before, and I know now that it means that he either didn’t try hard enough, or he begged for her to forgive him after seeing her upset.
          He looked up at me and almost smiled a little. “I didn’t really. I knew I couldn’t. But on Sunday… well I was tired, and I think I went sorta nuts or something.” He looked to the ground “I think I said some things that I shouldn’t have, and this might just be our last night together.” I looked at his eyes which still seemed like they weren’t too concerned about losing a two year relationship. I think he read my mind as he looked up at me, “I know I don’t look like this matters much to me, but I cried last night. I’ve cried a lot for the past month.”
          I looked at him and made sure not to tell him how happy I was that it was over. Now was not a time to say “I told you so”. “I’m sorry Jer’.” “Don’t worry, Ally,” he said with an inhuman smile “I actually… I have somebody in mind, who I’ve been thinking about for a while.” I’m a little surprised “Who?” “A friend… I’ve realized that my friends love me much more than Michelle did, they just show their love in very different ways. The real problem I have is that she knows about Michelle too. I’m afraid she might think that I’m using her as a “rebound” or whatever you call it. And it’s almost certain that she won’t respect me. Not after the way Michelle treated me. I wish she could understand how we were before Brian… for over a year, we were in true love. Our life was like… a dream.” He looked into my eyes, making sure he had all my attention, “I just did everything I could to have that dream back… I hope my friend will understand that when I tell her how I feel about her.” He paused a little. He knew he wanted to ask. “Do you think she’ll understand? I mean… would you understand?” I looked into his eyes and knew I couldn’t lie “Yeah. I would.”
          From there I let him keep talking about this friend of his that he was so attracted to, and I could help the feeling that I knew her very well.
          Eventually, his stop came, and he was about to leave and I realized I still hadn’t asked. “When will you ask her?” my eyes were lit up with excitement. “I guess I’ll ask when we’re both ready, and I get the feeling she’s pretty ready herself. Either way, I can promise you that when I ask her, you will be the first to know.” He threw his backpack over his shoulder and leaped out of the train just as the door was closing. I could see the cute little way he skipped, like a little kid. I couldn’t help skipping a little myself on the way home. I wonder if Jeremy skipped like that when he first met Michelle, or if she did.
          Tuesday was something else. School was boring, and I was just anxious to go to the train. I walked onto the train and took a right to the seat me and Jeremy always share. I grinned at him, leaning a little forward to him in sheer fascination. For once I didn’t feel angry at his emotionless self-pity. But something seemed wrong. He did not have that lock on my eyes like he did the day before. He smiled as I arrived, blushing a little. Something was certainly on his mind. “You’re looking like something is bothering you, Jer’.” He looked at me, and seemed a little ashamed. For the second time, his voice strayed away from the words he spoke. “Me and Michelle talked the other day.” Underneath the words, like a subliminal message, I could feel him saying “I’m sorry”. He continued, though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear the rest. ”What I said Two nights ago… well, she just thought about it, and how much it hurts me, and she’s decided to leave Brian… And of course I apologized for what I said that night, too.”
          I wondered if I was actually sad or just pissed at him. He really would go back to her after everything she’s put him through. He’s still the dumb ass he was a week ago. I wanted to leave. I could tell we were both avoiding each others eyes. “Ally?”, “What!” A dead silence fell between us, and I felt bad for my reaction. “Ally, I promise I’ll listen. You’ve always been a realist, and known just what’s right. What do you think I should do?” I wasn’t ready to cry, and I kept a very straight face and looked up into his eyes.
          I thought about everything. I thought about what he had told me about his relationship with Michelle, and how much he really did love her. I knew he had made it through this and still wanted Michelle. I imagined Jeremy, two years ago, with Michelle, skipping together, with beautiful dreams of their future. I imagined how close they must be to last this long, despite everything. They were in love.
          “Michelle has sacrificed Brian for you, Jeremy. She’s risked being alone so that she has a chance to be with you. You’ve been doing the same for her for a month.” I smiled and felt my eyes water a little. “Don’t make her wait, Jer’. She wants you to be with her… And I think you’ll both be happier together.”
          Jeremy looked me in the eye, though I’m certain he couldn’t tell they were ready to spill. I was trying my best not to show it as he spoke “Do you know just who I was talking about yesterday? I mean… do you know who the girl is?” I nodded. He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips, softly. His lips brought a cold shiver down my spine, as my tears slid down my cheek.
          I knew what it was to be in his shoes. I knew what it felt like to willingly lose someone you love. He was right. Logic and math and all of that bullshit could not have let me do what I had done. You have to love someone to let them do as their heart desires, and let them be free. You can’t cage someone you love.
          Jeremy skipped his stop on the train and walked me home. It was so sweet of him. I do hope Michelle appreciates how lucky she is to have him. But, if she doesn’t, I’m sure she will find out soon enough, just like I did.

Description
Logic, Math and Love

          “I wish I could listen.” the boy said to me, “You are the definition of logic.” I looked at him with the baffled look I always use, like he’s so stupid that it frustrates me. And he is. Jeremy doesn’t show any regret in his eyes as he speaks to me with his calm voice. He really is one of the most normal of my friends. I smile, and, with a purposely unsympathetic voice: “Then why won’t you listen?”
          He takes a deep breath. Both of us know that his answer will make no sense to me. “You see… logic and math and all those things don’t apply to love.” I throw another dumfounded look at him. “Love is… well, she says she loves me, and I know I love her no matter what she does to me.” He knows I’m about to interrupt him there, so he continues a little louder, “I want to be with her, and I guess love is blind so I need to willingly put on my blindfold so Michelle knows I love her. I would never want to deny her freedom.”
          Jeremy has been telling me this for over a month now, so why does he think he’s right now? “Jeremy, she’s a slut, man. You’re just so...” he looked at me and smiled, “whipped?” I made a hand gesture of a whip, complete with the sound. Jeremy didn’t argue or anything. He picked up his gloves, and thought out loud “maybe I am whipped.” We both stopped for a second, facing each other in the little train booth. He gave his purely relaxed look, sitting back a little.
          I knew he didn’t want to change the subject, no matter how futile the conversation seemed. He took a breath. “Ally… You have to understand that Michelle still loves me, and I still love her. And no other man would do this. No other man would wait this long without giving up. That’s why I have to hold on: because I know nobody else would, not even Brian…. I guess that’s why I’m doing this… Because it proves that between me and Brian, I am the better man. I’m willing to wait. It’s like... a test of my faith.” I think about this, though still very aware that his decision is terrible. He looks down at his gloves and quietly adds to what he said “But... yeah... It’s still hard knowing she’s giving all her affection to another man, and that she hasn’t been treating me the same since it started.” I let a little smile escape. I’m sure as hell not going to cry for him. He’s told me his story enough for me to know crying for him is a waste of time. What would help him is a good slap across the face.
          He looks me in the eye and asks probably the dumbest question in the world “What do you think of all of this? How do you think I should feel about how she’s treating me?” I don’t give him any mocking look, trying to be respectful. “I think that from what I hear you love her a lot.” He nods a little as I continue, “You’ve skipped days at school, you’ve spent every second of your time to try and connect with her. All afternoon, you’re always online or on the phone, to get a chance to talk to her. You’ve put up with all this shit with Brian. But she doesn’t seem to notice that you do all of these things for her… and what has she done for you? I think the least she could do is break up with this Brian guy.” He seemed to be very moved, for once about what I said “You know you’re right… I should tell her that it’s time to either dump Brian or prepare to lose me… what have I got to lose?” I could see he seemed a little depressed. His tone seemed quiet and unsure for what he was saying, as if he was an actor reading a script wrong. “What’s wrong?”
          He looked up at me, a little startled by my sudden sincere concern for his feelings, “Oh, I’m fine. I just tell myself every night that I will stand up for myself… I know tonight won’t be any different. It never is. If I try anything she’ll convince me that I should trust her… and I’ll feel bad that I didn’t trust her in the first place. I wish I could do it, but I just can’t.”
          He stood up in the train and I had realized that we were already at his stop. “Bye Ally, see you next week.”
          I saw him again on Monday. He got on the train, and we talked for a while, both waiting for one of us to bring up Michelle. I finally did, realizing Jeremy would have to get off soon enough. “How are things with Michelle” I was certain he would say he tried, but realized that he should let her stay with Brian “if that’s what she wants”. He’s said it before, and I know now that it means that he either didn’t try hard enough, or he begged for her to forgive him after seeing her upset.
          He looked up at me and almost smiled a little. “I didn’t really. I knew I couldn’t. But on Sunday… well I was tired, and I think I went sorta nuts or something.” He looked to the ground “I think I said some things that I shouldn’t have, and this might just be our last night together.” I looked at his eyes which still seemed like they weren’t too concerned about losing a two year relationship. I think he read my mind as he looked up at me, “I know I don’t look like this matters much to me, but I cried last night. I’ve cried a lot for the past month.”
          I looked at him and made sure not to tell him how happy I was that it was over. Now was not a time to say “I told you so”. “I’m sorry Jer’.” “Don’t worry, Ally,” he said with an inhuman smile “I actually… I have somebody in mind, who I’ve been thinking about for a while.” I’m a little surprised “Who?” “A friend… I’ve realized that my friends love me much more than Michelle did, they just show their love in very different ways. The real problem I have is that she knows about Michelle too. I’m afraid she might think that I’m using her as a “rebound” or whatever you call it. And it’s almost certain that she won’t respect me. Not after the way Michelle treated me. I wish she could understand how we were before Brian… for over a year, we were in true love. Our life was like… a dream.” He looked into my eyes, making sure he had all my attention, “I just did everything I could to have that dream back… I hope my friend will understand that when I tell her how I feel about her.” He paused a little. He knew he wanted to ask. “Do you think she’ll understand? I mean… would you understand?” I looked into his eyes and knew I couldn’t lie “Yeah. I would.”
          From there I let him keep talking about this friend of his that he was so attracted to, and I could help the feeling that I knew her very well.
          Eventually, his stop came, and he was about to leave and I realized I still hadn’t asked. “When will you ask her?” my eyes were lit up with excitement. “I guess I’ll ask when we’re both ready, and I get the feeling she’s pretty ready herself. Either way, I can promise you that when I ask her, you will be the first to know.” He threw his backpack over his shoulder and leaped out of the train just as the door was closing. I could see the cute little way he skipped, like a little kid. I couldn’t help skipping a little myself on the way home. I wonder if Jeremy skipped like that when he first met Michelle, or if she did.
          Tuesday was something else. School was boring, and I was just anxious to go to the train. I walked onto the train and took a right to the seat me and Jeremy always share. I grinned at him, leaning a little forward to him in sheer fascination. For once I didn’t feel angry at his emotionless self-pity. But something seemed wrong. He did not have that lock on my eyes like he did the day before. He smiled as I arrived, blushing a little. Something was certainly on his mind. “You’re looking like something is bothering you, Jer’.” He looked at me, and seemed a little ashamed. For the second time, his voice strayed away from the words he spoke. “Me and Michelle talked the other day.” Underneath the words, like a subliminal message, I could feel him saying “I’m sorry”. He continued, though I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear the rest. ”What I said Two nights ago… well, she just thought about it, and how much it hurts me, and she’s decided to leave Brian… And of course I apologized for what I said that night, too.”
          I wondered if I was actually sad or just pissed at him. He really would go back to her after everything she’s put him through. He’s still the dumb ass he was a week ago. I wanted to leave. I could tell we were both avoiding each others eyes. “Ally?”, “What!” A dead silence fell between us, and I felt bad for my reaction. “Ally, I promise I’ll listen. You’ve always been a realist, and known just what’s right. What do you think I should do?” I wasn’t ready to cry, and I kept a very straight face and looked up into his eyes.
          I thought about everything. I thought about what he had told me about his relationship with Michelle, and how much he really did love her. I knew he had made it through this and still wanted Michelle. I imagined Jeremy, two years ago, with Michelle, skipping together, with beautiful dreams of their future. I imagined how close they must be to last this long, despite everything. They were in love.
          “Michelle has sacrificed Brian for you, Jeremy. She’s risked being alone so that she has a chance to be with you. You’ve been doing the same for her for a month.” I smiled and felt my eyes water a little. “Don’t make her wait, Jer’. She wants you to be with her… And I think you’ll both be happier together.”
          Jeremy looked me in the eye, though I’m certain he couldn’t tell they were ready to spill. I was trying my best not to show it as he spoke “Do you know just who I was talking about yesterday? I mean… do you know who the girl is?” I nodded. He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips, softly. His lips brought a cold shiver down my spine, as my tears slid down my cheek.
          I knew what it was to be in his shoes. I knew what it felt like to willingly lose someone you love. He was right. Logic and math and all of that bullshit could not have let me do what I had done. You have to love someone to let them do as their heart desires, and let them be free. You can’t cage someone you love.
          Jeremy skipped his stop on the train and walked me home. It was so sweet of him. I do hope Michelle appreciates how lucky she is to have him. But, if she doesn’t, I’m sure she will find out soon enough, just like I did.