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Description
-vent-
I don't want to annoy you all with emotional crap but I gotta type this stuff out, keeping it in my head is not healthy...

I haven't been doing so great emotionally, financially or physically.

I (being transmale) have been having some pretty bad fits of dysphoria (or however the hell you spell that) lately and its all thanks to my new, shitty binder. I had a really nice gc2b one but lost it when I moved and have since gotten a new one- but its an underworks binder and I really just don't like it. It doesn't bind as well as my gc2b did and it is really uncomfortable and constricting and hot.

I constantly feel like I am not good enough for my boyfriend... he's so kind to me, always there and willing to help me in any way he can, gives me food, holds me... I feel like I do the same for him but I don't have a job, I am super lazy, and I just feel like he just tolerates me at this point. I know deep down that's not the way he feels but I just feel sometimes like I'm dragging him down. Idk..

I applied for a job online and although the manager I talked to on the phone a few days ago made it sound like I got the job for sure, I haven't heard from anyone since then and it's starting to worry me. It's a great company and I trust that I will make a very good salary if I get the job, but I am just worried that their not getting back to me is a sign that I am stuck being jobless for a while again.. which was not a very good experience for me when I lived in SD.

I love instagram, and have for years, but it's starting to show that Intstagram doesn't love me back like it used to... I used to get hecka commissions from there, fursuit and art, but now it's like I'm some sort of joke to them. No one takes me seriously anymore, I get harassed all the time by children who can't afford my low-ass prices and want art for free/barely anything. Besides a few awesome people, it just seems like all my 3,700+ followers on my personal account and 7,600+ followers on my business/fursuit making account are either all 12 or idiots... they don't understand that I am a person with feelings that slaves over my tablet to make money to put in my gas tank or to buy food. I don't want to leave instagram but it seems for my sanity I might have to for a while, if not permanently. Which sucks because I used to love the community there... now it's just trash.

A little over a week ago, I was at the MN furs bowling meet and had a really good time. One of my favorite memories from that night was when I was sitting on the floor and this guy said he wanted to hurdle me. I thought that was hilarious so I bent forward in between my legs and he did the thing. It was really funny and everyone cheered. The next morning, however, my back was WRECKED... and has been ever since. I have found that if I don't sit for a long period of time (at least an hour and a half) before I start my day, the pain in my lower back is unbearable especially when bending over or walking around. I made an appointment to go see a doctor tomorrow... I hope it's nothing serious or permanent because my family on my mom's side has a history of bad backs and I have been scared of that for a long time. I'm 19, soon to be 20 and shouldn't and don't want to have the back of an old man already...

Because of my recent stress involving some shitty-ass "friends" from back in Omaha, I have started to break out again pretty badly. I had severe acne when I was in middle-high school and after about my junior year (2013) it started to clear up but of course, never fully went away. I have dealt with it for a long time and grown used to it but of course, now that it's getting worse, it's making my self esteem plummet. I don't feel good about myself, I always feel dirty.. I don't feel attractive at all either which is never fun... not to mention it's not just on my face but on my shoulders, back, chest and occasionally on my thighs and ass... hhhhhh

If I sit here and count my blessings though it makes me feel a little better..
My parents are awesome and helping me out financially while I try to get myself back on my feet. I get to move to Michigan soon with my baby, who loves me very much. I can afford to go to the doctor about my back. My mom is helping me find a counselor nearby so I don't have to bother you guys with this crap. My baby is working hard to make that money and hopefully if I get that job I can start making major contributions to our fund to move. My roomates are awesome. I enjoy where I live. I came out as trans to my family over facebook yesterday and nobody disowned me. In fact, my grandfather called me his grandson
And I am happy to say I think DeviantArt and Facebook, and occasionally Twitter are going to be the only social media sites I am going to be on for a while. Which will help me de-stress a lot.

Anyways, thanks for reading this rant if you got this far. If you didn't read it, no big deal, this was mostly for myself to get my frustrations out.

Art and character (c) me

Description
-vent-
I don't want to annoy you all with emotional crap but I gotta type this stuff out, keeping it in my head is not healthy...

I haven't been doing so great emotionally, financially or physically.

I (being transmale) have been having some pretty bad fits of dysphoria (or however the hell you spell that) lately and its all thanks to my new, shitty binder. I had a really nice gc2b one but lost it when I moved and have since gotten a new one- but its an underworks binder and I really just don't like it. It doesn't bind as well as my gc2b did and it is really uncomfortable and constricting and hot.

I constantly feel like I am not good enough for my boyfriend... he's so kind to me, always there and willing to help me in any way he can, gives me food, holds me... I feel like I do the same for him but I don't have a job, I am super lazy, and I just feel like he just tolerates me at this point. I know deep down that's not the way he feels but I just feel sometimes like I'm dragging him down. Idk..

I applied for a job online and although the manager I talked to on the phone a few days ago made it sound like I got the job for sure, I haven't heard from anyone since then and it's starting to worry me. It's a great company and I trust that I will make a very good salary if I get the job, but I am just worried that their not getting back to me is a sign that I am stuck being jobless for a while again.. which was not a very good experience for me when I lived in SD.

I love instagram, and have for years, but it's starting to show that Intstagram doesn't love me back like it used to... I used to get hecka commissions from there, fursuit and art, but now it's like I'm some sort of joke to them. No one takes me seriously anymore, I get harassed all the time by children who can't afford my low-ass prices and want art for free/barely anything. Besides a few awesome people, it just seems like all my 3,700+ followers on my personal account and 7,600+ followers on my business/fursuit making account are either all 12 or idiots... they don't understand that I am a person with feelings that slaves over my tablet to make money to put in my gas tank or to buy food. I don't want to leave instagram but it seems for my sanity I might have to for a while, if not permanently. Which sucks because I used to love the community there... now it's just trash.

A little over a week ago, I was at the MN furs bowling meet and had a really good time. One of my favorite memories from that night was when I was sitting on the floor and this guy said he wanted to hurdle me. I thought that was hilarious so I bent forward in between my legs and he did the thing. It was really funny and everyone cheered. The next morning, however, my back was WRECKED... and has been ever since. I have found that if I don't sit for a long period of time (at least an hour and a half) before I start my day, the pain in my lower back is unbearable especially when bending over or walking around. I made an appointment to go see a doctor tomorrow... I hope it's nothing serious or permanent because my family on my mom's side has a history of bad backs and I have been scared of that for a long time. I'm 19, soon to be 20 and shouldn't and don't want to have the back of an old man already...

Because of my recent stress involving some shitty-ass "friends" from back in Omaha, I have started to break out again pretty badly. I had severe acne when I was in middle-high school and after about my junior year (2013) it started to clear up but of course, never fully went away. I have dealt with it for a long time and grown used to it but of course, now that it's getting worse, it's making my self esteem plummet. I don't feel good about myself, I always feel dirty.. I don't feel attractive at all either which is never fun... not to mention it's not just on my face but on my shoulders, back, chest and occasionally on my thighs and ass... hhhhhh

If I sit here and count my blessings though it makes me feel a little better..
My parents are awesome and helping me out financially while I try to get myself back on my feet. I get to move to Michigan soon with my baby, who loves me very much. I can afford to go to the doctor about my back. My mom is helping me find a counselor nearby so I don't have to bother you guys with this crap. My baby is working hard to make that money and hopefully if I get that job I can start making major contributions to our fund to move. My roomates are awesome. I enjoy where I live. I came out as trans to my family over facebook yesterday and nobody disowned me. In fact, my grandfather called me his grandson
And I am happy to say I think DeviantArt and Facebook, and occasionally Twitter are going to be the only social media sites I am going to be on for a while. Which will help me de-stress a lot.

Anyways, thanks for reading this rant if you got this far. If you didn't read it, no big deal, this was mostly for myself to get my frustrations out.

Art and character (c) me