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afireinsideme — Baptize
Published: 2004-04-17 05:32:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 89; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 15
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If you don't understand, please read this and it may help... I hopeI figured this could fit under either spiritual or dark, but because the overall outlook of the poem is so horrendous (in some people's eyes) I figured it was more dark than spiritual, especially since it's a kind of a dismissal of central christian belief (that the prophecy in Revalations will come true) simply because humans will destroy themselves before God has a chance to bring about his own apocalypse.
The main idea behind this poem is that humanity is so wretched that God will never bring about the apocalypse (there's no one to save) and that humanity will bring about its own end thus negating any chance for salvation.
A negation of salvation.
For those of you not very well read in the christian tradition:
Baptism: A spiritual cleansing, clearing the soul of all earthly sins (in many christian traditions, the baptism cleanses the impure baby of the Original Sin [Original Sin is the sin that Eve cast upon us all by eating of the tree of knowledge in Eden thus defying god's will and giving him incentive to throw humans from paradise] which the baby is born with).
Flames: referring to the second baptism, the baptism by fire in which god cleanses the world of sin once again. This is described in Revalations, one of the many apocalyptic books in the bible (OT and NT considered in this statement)
Okay, I'm not christian (I'm atheist, thank you muchly) so if any of that is incorrect then please feel free to correct (don't give me any faith based corrections, I want only factual corrections based from basic christian tradition, not faith specific).
Comments very much welcomed!
Hope everyone enjoys this poem. Remember, it's a first draft, so any mistakes you see are because I wrote this in about a minute and didn't really bother to revise (cause I'm lazy like that)
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Comments: 19
You said in that short mpoem what the enitre bible makes me feel.
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Glad I could help you truncate your feelings I guess. Glad you like it (?)
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This is a really good poem. I am not an atheist, but I think the meaning of this is an interesting one nonetheless. Nice work!
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Very nice....I agree with the person up there who didnt like the first stanza, for the same reasons, but I really like your revision.
One thing, though, there seems to be so little transition from 2nd to 3rd stanza. I feel like I have to come to a dead stop, and think a bit, then read the thrid stanza, which disrupts the flow severely. Honestly, the 2nd stanza seems more like the chorus to a song, which doesnt always fit smoothly, than a stanza, expecially considering its length.
I like your idea(in the abstract, of course) and images, though. I see alot of Yeats in this, though it's shorter.
lovely work!
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Thank you very much, deary. I noticed after I wrote it that it was very Yeats-y. I like the abrupt changes from stanza to stanza. Very chaotic, very representative of the end. *noddles* I'm glad you like the revision as well
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Thank you very much!
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This is very deep man. I really like it. Very nicely done.
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Thanks, zach! I appreciate it!
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I think you've done a really nice piece of writing here. I like its ideas, and even though I am not the world's best writer, I think it goes together quite well.
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hmm...i like a lot, though i had to puzzle over it for a bit. i could make a few suggestions, keeping in mind that these are SUGGESTIONS, and that i by no means have any idea what im talking about.
the use of the word "friend" in the first stanza threw me off a bit. it's neat, but i think it sets off a different mood than the rest of the poem. the first stanza in its entirety just doesn't seem to have as much meaning as the rest of the poem, it's not as clear and concise and provoking.
the last stanza by contrast is fantastic. the last few lines in particular are very emotionally evoking, and structurally intriguing as well. likewise the middle stanza is beautiful in it's quirk of the language.
back to the first stanza, i was thinking what you could replace "friend" with, and i was thinking maybe "lover" or put something like "i embraced asphalt" to put something of a darker edge in it. in this way you could even re-work the first stanza (or write a new one) that had a focus on the topic of original sin.
so, those are my thoughts. feel free to take them or leave them. i really like the poem as it stands, and were you not asking for revisions i would not have thought to nit-pick at all. great job!
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Okay, revision of the first stanza:
I laid my body to asphalt
And shed tears upon its sin tarred face
Making a personal Eden;
Cleansing my own Gomorrah.
What do you think?
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hmm...i like it, i think it's got a little more power in it, but to the somewhat less knowledgable in the area of christian mythology it might have the opposite effect (being less clear). oh well, it's a hard balance to make sometimes - meaning for the knowledgeable versus understanding for the casual viewer. your call. i realize im giving contradictory advice, but i did warn you ahead of time that i am by no means qualified. im just giving you some things to think about.
the only real gripe i have is with the word "tarred." it just doesn't seem to flow - i would recommend "scarred," but that's a little cliche. again, just something to think about.
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thanks for the advice anyway 
I'll see what people think!
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wow, I really love this. I don't think it needs a second draft honestly. very good.
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No second draft? Que? Surely you jest!
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