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amaranthineries — Fireflies on the Sea
Published: 2006-08-12 11:30:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 131; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
I held love in a jar for the world to seeBut not one to touch,
For through the glass though the light warms the heart
Though the light keeps the colour...
Let's think back to the start
When the world could share in the vibrance-
I'd breathe in forest air
And be reborn with each inhale.
I'd dip my hands in water
And delight in the clinging earth.
Reckless in our youthful games,
We'd alter life, revel in the balance.
The wonder was a novelty
That grew bored with age.
The wonder was liquid, I dipped my hands in
And without intent to, pricked my fingers with glass.
Sharp edges bathed in fresh blood-
Innocent tears.
Ripe and wary of the sea.
It's just you now, who remains here with me
Against the backstorm of sand and dirty wounds.
The tatters of too-old bandages
Flying in the wind
Like sails that guide captains and slaves.
Under stars that house shipwrecks and ghosts.
And let me share with you the last embers
Of this dying glow - but do not touch.
For through the glass though your touch may rekindle
Though your touch may show me how...
I'd rather fade knowing I died for a love
So strong in memory, so weak against time,
A love that took the form of a promise.
I will always be his.
And he, he will always be mine.
Comments: 15
There is such beautiful imagery in this! The first two lines captured me with the image of love in a jar.
Although I find your images entrancing, I do find your language clumsy at times.
For example:
"For through the glass though the light warms the heart
Though the light keeps the colour..."
This just does not flow. I think your use of the word "though" detracts from the meaning that you are trying to get across.
"Though" often suggest something contrary to the previous thought. I don't think anything within this stanza is contrary to itself. If you were going for a contrasting concept there, I hope you will revise that to make it more clear.
Also, what "colour"? The color of what? Could you specify? Many of your images are extremely vivid, so it would be nice for you to carry it through in all of them.
The same thing I said for "colour" can be said about "the vibrance" as well as "the wonder". What vibrance? "Our" vibrance? "Your" wonder? "Our" wonder? The wonder at each other?
The poem is in first person and "the" detracts from that intimacy a little.
The second stanza is inconsistent with with I and we. You introduce the concept of two people with "Let's", but then it shifts back again to "I". "I'd dip" and "I'd breathe" is not consistent with "our youthful games" and "we'd alter".
In the fourth stanza is "I dipped" a deliberate choice to contrast to the "I'd dip" that took place previously? Did you dip your hands in the same water as before or is this into the jar? Was the water in the jar? This was a little unclear to me.
My last comment will be on the third to last stanza. This is also an issue of consistency. Before this stanza there is no mention of fire or embers. There is only water and earth imagery. There is some mention of light, but never is there directly a mention of fire. This appearance of the word embers and rekindling is very sudden.
Once again I must say, I really do love your imagery and I hope you find ways of making the worded pictures even more beautiful.
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Wow, THANK YOU for the extensive response! I will definitely chew on some of these suggestions when I get the time.
Again, thank you. It's rare that somebody actually sacrifice time to give some constructive crit these days, and it is very much appreciated.
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*cuddles him*
...
*and hides the beer*
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XD
Adam: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOoOoOo....*hiccup*
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"The rum! Why is the rum always gone!?"
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ChristIloveyourwritingsohardcoreyou'resogoodandwillbefamousoneday.
ADVEY.
( haha I just noticed "advey" is "davey" just with the d and the a switched. *facepalm*)
I LUFF IT.
And cripes, lady. Way to make me ache for them again. ;____;
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DEAR. YOU MAKE ME BLUSH. VERY MUCH.
I luff teh Advey.
That was the point!!!!!!!!!!
(Actually, I kinda did write it with you in mind XD)
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You wrote it with meeeee in mind? I feel extremly flattered.
AND YOU SHOULD BLUSH. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. FAMOUS, I TELL YOU.
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Heeeey. ^_^ I love that. Every piece you write is amazing. And let's hope I'm thinking of the right guy. (*cough* I can be pretty dense at times.)
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Oh shit, I meant to write Marcy!! Sorry, I think of you as "Manda" and "Marcy" so I get the names mixed up sometimes when I'm tired. x.x
And thank you! XD Seriously, it makes me so happy when you say something is good, because you're just...so good. Hahaha.
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XD Well, I was thinking Adam anyway. lol. So, it's alright.
You're welcome! And 
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^.^ phew!
And yes you are. Don't make me bring the paddle out, missy.
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*cough*
...noimnot. And the paddle is fuuun!
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