princesszyrtec [2006-05-02 17:09:46 +0000 UTC]

"Cold Morning"
I'd like to see a more unusual title. Something unexpected, like a date, or the inclusion of a place - rather than something that "explains" your following images.

"Are you dreaming?"
I didn't like the question at first, but now I think it has a place in the poem; but only if we know to whom you are asking the question. Or maybe, a different question, like, "are you aware/awake/real, etc."

"As your waking steps go by"
Maybe more music in this line--seems a bit empty.

"Stepping stone pebbles--
brittle babies' bones--
Rise from the mist.
rain drops
in suspended silver haze;
water under the fog."
I like the unexpected and somewhat shocking contrast of babies' bones and stepping stones, as well as the internal near rhyme, but think you need to get rid of the punctuation: the period, semi-colon, and em dashes. I don't think they add anything purposeful to your piece. The arrangement of the lines with the indents and uneven stanzas already lends itself to an otherworldly, random imagistic feel--which I believe is what you wanted? The punctuation actually interrupts and is jarring, and even confusing. I also like the idea of rain drops in a suspended silver haze. Even though it is not really unusual, it definitely creates a certain mood, and is mysterious. I recommend expanding on this moment, this image, and draw it out even more, in slow motion. This image lends itself, in my opinion, to a slow motion treatment. Fluid yet still - silent yet faintly breathing and dripping - a portal into another sphere of reality, even. Oh wait - that's my poem. Sorry.

"And by the fern fronds,
your toe-boots,
and little white flowers"
I really love this little stanza. I would like to see a different adjective than "little", but otherwise I am struck by the delicacy and impermanence of the image. I imagine a toe-boot as something a soldier would wear - am I right?

"sprinkled among the colors
rise like angels out of dust."
Because you don't describe any colors other than white and by implication, green, the "colors" doesn't have any meaning or create any image. Also, again, it seems ordinary. Now, the second line is superb. My only question is: what is rising? Is it the flowers, the baby bones, or the boots? I'm a little confused by the narrative here. Once that is clarified, the image of angels rising out of the dust will really be impactful. I would like this image to be taken farther. An allegory, perhaps? A metaphor? Something that infers meaning to this image beyond the visual aesthetic.

I feel like this poem is just beginning. While I don't imagine it as a dense, chewy poem, I do think there is more to be said here. What do these images mean? Who sees them? Why? When? Answer some of these questions, and you'll have a more complete and very intriguing mystical poem.

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6BandBlackInk [2006-04-18 10:21:06 +0000 UTC]

Insidious...

I think you're right in that punctuation can make a big difference. Sometimes a full stop seems to definate and end, and simply leaving the line unpunctuated works better. It makes it seem more like a train of thought, which I like.

And I think it has worked well here. Up to "And by the fern..." does seem very cold and sinister, but afterwards the imagery is less conflicted and it's all ok by the end! It even feels warmer, if thats possible...

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Yaanon [2006-04-15 21:20:38 +0000 UTC]

"Stepping stone pebbles--
brittle babies' bones--"



"and little white flowers

sprinkled among the colors
rise like angels out of dust."

How pretty.

Lovely images, I'm no expert in this type of poetry so I can't say much besides that.

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