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ander-kun — Moving On
Published: 2006-12-13 17:17:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 281; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Hold a candle in your hand and feel the wind that cries,You may never be a king, but kings are rarely wise.
Take a net and try to catch your fortune as it flies,
And try your best to sing along when fortune sings you lies.
And think you not on me, though maybe once you called me friend,
You know best of all that every decent thing must end.
Memory is solace when the future fades away,
Living in a year ago but dying for today.
Strike you down the fools who lately seemed to bar your way,
And try hard not to notice all the ghosts who choose to stay.
But think you not on me, though maybe once you called me friend,
You know best of all that every decent thing must end.
Paint a pretty picture of the road where lovers meet,
Wondering which day it was that you proclaimed defeat.
Tell yourself the past is irretrievable, but sweet,
And try to keep your balance on your own two blackened feet.
Oh, think you not on me, though maybe once you called me friend,
You know best of all that every decent thing must end.
You surely are a wealthy man, for all the friends you sold.
But do you still believe that nothing shines so bright as gold?
You're burning ancient bridges just to keep away the cold.
You may have had a winning hand, but blindly chose to fold,
So think you not on me, though maybe once you called me friend,
You know best of all that every decent thing must end.
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Comments: 4
Harumph. Dare say, I actually don't know someone like this. Which simply means I don't hang about the sort of people who might live long enough to become like this. Seize the day! Burn bridges when they come and jump off afterwards!
No one should ever heed my advice.
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Hmmm ... there is a marked difference in this poem from what I've read from you thus far. My first reaction is that you're trying very hard--and on successive reads it shows.
You're much better than this, miss.
You begin with a couple of slight cliche lines, and then are somewhat forced to keep the meter consistent, which leads you to use quite a few words. The verbosity seems out of form--previously, you've shown a real dexterity with communicating with minimal word usage. The thing about being wordy is the tendency to lose the reader in the meaning--I'm not sure what the speaker is relating besides a friendship that ended; but why?
You're a talented poet. But don't try so hard.
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Wow...it's been far too long since I've gotten real advice on my writing. Thank you for the honesty!
Looking at this again, I think this would have been better written without such a structured meter and rhyme scheme. There was some real anger behind this piece, and now I'm thinking that all the words I had to use only got in the way of the point I was trying to make. (I didn't look very closely at this piece, once it was done; now parts of it are making me cringe.)
This might definitely be worth a re-write.
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Well, I figure that we can all use constructive criticism and you're a strong poet.
I enjoy your work, and feel that I should give something in return. So, if I see that you need a reminder of how good you can be ... well, I'll let you know.
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