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Description
I'm taking a giahorn /mayandkirby -style route with this one.
Sorry if it's not my best, but bear with me, right now I'm more focused on expressing how I feel to someone out there.
I've never truly expressed my feelings about myself in this way, but here goes.

Even before...everything...happened, I've been locked in a battle with my own conscience and mind.
It's been like this ever since my late high school years. I'll explain why.

For starters, I'm not entirely a sociable person. It'll take some time to get comfortable with someone, but it doesn't mean I'm truly anti-social.
I've got friends who respect me for me, and I am indeed grateful for that.

Second, I recall a few peers who have made fun of me, or some who have lectured me, about my "weird" behavior back then. I'll admit, I do like cartoons--maybe even a bit too much--back then, but I was stupid. I didn't know exactly how social circles work. Still don't now, but I am a bit more mature about it.

But the major part is the belief that everyone around me believes that I'm a lazy, outlandish freak with no "common sense" and no real goal or path who does nothing. It certainly doesn't help the fact that I have autism, and even then, I'm still nervous and yes, I admit, scared of what would happen if I go out there on my own, especially considering everything is happening and has happened because of race.

What truly hurts is the more I stop and think about the mistakes I have made and what people have said to me, the more I gradually start to believe it's true. This "stuck at home" thing leaves me further lost in my head. I sometimes even think of personally hurting someone, even though it goes against my sense of right and wrong.

Ever since then, not a day goes by now without these nagging thoughts pressing down on me and eating me away like a leech.
I keep wondering to myself, "Would it be different if I done things differently?" "What if I showed interests in different things from the beginning?" "What if I never seen or played a cartoon or video game in my life?"

It pains me...and not many people know about my feelings like this...not even my own parents.

It's just...the way it is...

😥😔😞😢

Description
I'm taking a giahorn /mayandkirby -style route with this one.
Sorry if it's not my best, but bear with me, right now I'm more focused on expressing how I feel to someone out there.
I've never truly expressed my feelings about myself in this way, but here goes.

Even before...everything...happened, I've been locked in a battle with my own conscience and mind.
It's been like this ever since my late high school years. I'll explain why.

For starters, I'm not entirely a sociable person. It'll take some time to get comfortable with someone, but it doesn't mean I'm truly anti-social.
I've got friends who respect me for me, and I am indeed grateful for that.

Second, I recall a few peers who have made fun of me, or some who have lectured me, about my "weird" behavior back then. I'll admit, I do like cartoons--maybe even a bit too much--back then, but I was stupid. I didn't know exactly how social circles work. Still don't now, but I am a bit more mature about it.

But the major part is the belief that everyone around me believes that I'm a lazy, outlandish freak with no "common sense" and no real goal or path who does nothing. It certainly doesn't help the fact that I have autism, and even then, I'm still nervous and yes, I admit, scared of what would happen if I go out there on my own, especially considering everything is happening and has happened because of race.

What truly hurts is the more I stop and think about the mistakes I have made and what people have said to me, the more I gradually start to believe it's true. This "stuck at home" thing leaves me further lost in my head. I sometimes even think of personally hurting someone, even though it goes against my sense of right and wrong.

Ever since then, not a day goes by now without these nagging thoughts pressing down on me and eating me away like a leech.
I keep wondering to myself, "Would it be different if I done things differently?" "What if I showed interests in different things from the beginning?" "What if I never seen or played a cartoon or video game in my life?"

It pains me...and not many people know about my feelings like this...not even my own parents.

It's just...the way it is...

😥😔😞😢