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Description
It feels like I’ve been lying here for days.

I’m completely exhausted, and I’m in a warm, soft bed, but I can’t sleep at all. I hate it. I’m not the type of person who can sit around and not do anything for hours. This is torture. I want to get up and just walk around for a little while, but I can’t. Sans is right next to me, softly snoring. He’s loosely holding onto my arm. I’m scared that if I move, I’ll wake him up, and he rarely gets any peaceful sleep. It’d be so selfish of me to ruin that for him. But......maybe........what if I just........go in and out really quickly, without him noticing....? Just a few minutes. That’s all I need. I........shouldn’t do it. I’m going to regret it, I just know it. He’ll wake up from another nightmare, and wonder where I am. He’ll get scared. He’ll panic. He’ll start to cry. Hell, he’s even had nightmares where Papyrus has killed me or that I’ve abandoned him before. If he wakes up from one of those nightmares and I’m not there, he is going to have a full blown panic attack. And sure, I’d hear him and come running, but I don’t want to be there a little while after he wakes up, I want to be there WHEN he wakes up. Despite all these thoughts swimming through my mind and giving me every reason not to leave, my body still found itself slowly but surely getting up from the bed. I was moving as carefully and quietly as I possibly could. It took me 3 or 4 full minutes just to leave the bedroom, but Sans didn’t notice that I was gone at all. He was sleeping soundly. Just a few minutes. He’ll never even know.

I was leaning my body against the cool wall of my house. I didn’t bother putting on any shoes when I came out here. After all, I wasn’t going to stay long. The fresh air did calm me a little. But I was still struggling to clear my mind. I wonder if I’ll get any sleep tonight. Probably not. Maybe tommorow..............I let out a heavy, burdened sigh. I turn my head up to the glittering ceiling. I remember hearing Sans say that the stones up there looked a lot like real stars. The biggest difference was that they didn’t have......constellations or something? What even is a constellation? Is it some kind of fancy star you can only see on the surface? I’m guessing. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll ask Sans later. Man, I remember how he’d always make the worst puns about stars and space. Or really, he’d make horrible jokes about anything in any situation. I would get so annoyed at him for it. But I haven’t seen him crack any jokes in a while. Will.......will he ever make any stupid puns again.......? Will I ever hear that.........? Is that person just.....gone.......? Sans.........please. It can be the worst joke in the world. I don’t care. I can take it. I promise I won’t get mad at you this time. Why on earth was I so short with you about it before?! I can’t believe it. You’re......never going to be the same ever again, are you, Sans....? And you know what? It’s my fault. I’m the one who ruined your life. I’m the one who insisted on going back to the scene of the crime that day. I knew you were scared, but I made you go anyway. And now, you’re a shell of your former self because of it. I could have.........I don’t know, gone by myself or something! But now, it’s too late. Nothing on earth can fix it or make it better. I can never make up for it as long as I live. You’re most likely never even going to SMILE again because of me. This guilt is crushing me. It’s suffocating. But I deserve it. It’s all true. It’s not like I can think about anything else, even if I tried. My mind just kept going with these horrible thoughts. I had no say in or control over it. But it’s what I deserve. I can’t even- “*UNDYNE!!!” -God! That REALLY startled me!! I heard Sans’ voice desperately shout out my name. I turn around, ready to run into the house, but....he’s right next to me. Did he really have to shout my name that loud? His eyes were wide, and welling up with tears. Oh CRAP. He had to have had another nightmare, and I wasn’t there, so he came looking for me! Damn it! I KNEW this would happen! Why didn’t I-..........wait, am.....am I?.............I am. I’m.....curled in a ball on the ground. How long was I........? I-I didn’t even realize that I was..........why does my throat hurt so bad? Why am I so dizzy? Why am-.........wait. There’s......I can feel wet tear stains from my eye.......I was horrified. I can’t believe Sans is seeing me like this! I turn away and hide my face in the inside of my arm. I had all of those realizations in one moment. It was too overwhelming. I had to fight to keep myself from crying again. How long have I been out here....? I tried to dry my tears, but it was useless. New ones just kept forming, wether I wanted them to or not. I can’t shake this excruciating feeling of guilt and shame. “*i....d-didnt you hear me call out your name the first couple of times....? you really s-scared me there....” His voice was breaking. Did he really call out to me more than once.....? I.....actually didn’t hear it. This is worse than I thought. He had his hand on my shoulder, and I think he was sitting down next to me. He’s trying to be comforting, and honestly, he is, but it’s making it way harder not to cry. I hate this. It hurts. “*a-...at first i thought i just heard you talking to yourself outside, and as i got closer, i thought maybe you were laughing, b-but when i opened the door.....you were crying. why? did.....you have a nightmare......?” I wanted to respond, but I was still too choked up to speak yet. “*......u-undyne.........its.....alright..........youre not alone anymore............im here.” Sans, I know you’re trying to help me, but it just stings. Please stop. You shouldn’t have to worry about me. I’m the one who should be worrying about you. Shit, I can’t believe I let this happen. I can’t believe I did this. I feel so embarrassed and horrible. My breath is shaking. I try to keep it straight and sound calm and collected, but there’s only so much I can do. An occasional whimper slips out, beyond my control. “*....everythings alright now, undyne........its okay.......” Why does it hurt so much when he talks to me like that?! Is this how he feels when I comfort him? I hope not. I think I can speak now. I do my absolute best to sound normal. “*......I’m............I’m..........I’m f-fine.” “*......undyne. you were crying. you still are.” “*No, I’m not!” My voice cracks when I say that. Of course I’m not fine. We both can hear and see it. I’m not really sure why I’m still denying it, I just know I have to. “*............*sigh*” Sans put his arm around my back and pulls me a little closer. “*okay.” He......there’s no way he actually bought that. For some reason, when he was comforting me this time, it didn’t really hurt. It actually made me feel slightly better. I’ve dried my face as best as I could. I turn to look at him. Hopefully I don’t look too bad. He was staring ahead at nothing. He didn’t even glance at me. Maybe he didn’t notice me turning my head. I hesitantly put my arm around him, too. He glanced up at me for a second, then just looked forward at nothing again. He looked sad. All that guilt hit me again for a moment. I sighed and looked ahead of me, too. “*....why were you crying? was it actually a bad dream....?” “*......I........I guess.............okay. I..........I’m...............I s-suppose........I’m a little scared.” “*.....me too.” He didn’t believe me even a little bit. He knew I was trying to make it sound better than it actually was. I could hear it in his voice. He turned up to look at my face. “*but you know, even if you werent just a little scared........e-even if you were REALLY scared, so scared that you don’t know what to do....then, thats okay. i dont know what to do, either. theres nothing wrong with it. i dont need you to be strong, i just need you.” I didn’t realize it until he said it, but I needed to hear those words. So, why did it sting so bad when I heard them? I was impressed. He KNEW. He knew just what I needed to hear. Either it was written all over my face, or he was just a really good friend. Probably both. Oh, Sans.....if..........if I told you that I ruined your life, that I was the one who caused you all this pain......................would you hate me? Would you ever forgive me? My mind drifts back to what was worrying me so much. I couldn’t control it. I REALLY don’t know what I would do if that happened. I feel my throat tighten up. It hurts. I mean, you’re living with me now......what would you do? Where would you go? You already had an image of an extremely important person in your life crumble to pieces, most likely THE most important.........if that happened again.....you would definetly kill yourself. Just the thought makes me wince. A whimper escapes me and I hold him much tighter than I did before. A tear or two falls down my face. I think I was even trembling. “*-oh! undyne! whats wrong??” It took me a full second to process what I just did. It was almost entirely unconscious. He was looking at me with those wide, sad eyes again. I buried my face in my hand and turned away. I can’t believe I’m doing this in front of him. But I can’t control myself. What’s wrong with me?! My breathing was fast and unsteady. I was even whimpering a little. I was trying so hard to not use my voice, but it just didn’t matter. I felt so helpless. “*undyne, everythings.......everythings okay...!” No! It’s not! Nothing is okay!! Stop saying that! It just hurts! I wish could have said that to him, but I just can’t talk right now, no matter how much I want to. I want to tell him I’m fine. I want to tell him not to worry. But even if I did manage to say it clearly, he wouldn’t believe it. He’s not stupid. Actually, I think I want to just say something. Anything. But that wasn’t going to happen. He gently, but quickly pulls me into a hug. I let out a small gasp. Why does it hurt this much?! Please make it stop! I can’t take it anymore! Sans, please! You have to stop! How am I still able to hold myself back from crying? I was honestly a little impressed with myself. I didn’t hug him back. I knew if I did, that would push me over the edge. How much longer am I going to be stuck in this hell? Sans, please, please just let me go and go back to bed. Please. Why can’t you? “*........its okay to cry, undyne.......its alright.” Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to cry! But I’m sure he can hear the sounds I’m making, and how hard I’m trying not to. Silent tears were rolling down my face, and falling on his shoulder. There was a small stain there. He can most likely feel that, too. My arms were suspended in the air, behind his back. I can’t. I wanted to put them down, but something inside me just wouldn’t let me do that. Sans.....you’re right here......but I can’t.........this hurts so much. Please, no more. Let it end already. I can’t do it. He begins slowly stroking my back up and down. Up and down. He has such a gentle touch, but each time he does it, it stings to badly.......that’s it. I can’t control myself at all anymore. I give into the urge, and embrace him tightly. I start uncontrollably sobbing. There was nothing I could do to stop it anymore. I completely buried my face into his shoulder. He was still rubbing my back. He didn’t even slow down at all when I started crying. The only sounds that could be heard were my own loud, muffled sobs and Sans' soft voice in my ear, trying to console me. “*there, there. its okay now. its going to be alright.” It really isn’t. I’m amazed I can make out what he said through my sobs, especially considering how softly he was speaking. The fear paralyzed me. I was terrified from the very depths of my soul. Pure horror had a tight grip on my very being. I couldn't take it. Sans, please stay with me! Don't leave! “*theres nothing to be afraid of. ive got you now.” It took me a couple seconds to notice this, but now when he tried to comfort me, it didn’t hurt half as much as it did before. Actually, it almost didn’t hurt at all. “*im here, undyne. youre going to be fine. were both going to be just fine.” I really hope so. I really hope so. “*....hey........do you want to hear a joke?.......” I suddenly feel a little hope bloom in my chest. I can’t believe it. It was unexpected. I sob again and hug him tighter. I might have unconsciously nuzzled my face into his shoulder.

“I’d......love that. Yes, please.”

Nothing Stays The Same- me
Undertale- Toby Fox
artwork- yours truly

Description
It feels like I’ve been lying here for days.

I’m completely exhausted, and I’m in a warm, soft bed, but I can’t sleep at all. I hate it. I’m not the type of person who can sit around and not do anything for hours. This is torture. I want to get up and just walk around for a little while, but I can’t. Sans is right next to me, softly snoring. He’s loosely holding onto my arm. I’m scared that if I move, I’ll wake him up, and he rarely gets any peaceful sleep. It’d be so selfish of me to ruin that for him. But......maybe........what if I just........go in and out really quickly, without him noticing....? Just a few minutes. That’s all I need. I........shouldn’t do it. I’m going to regret it, I just know it. He’ll wake up from another nightmare, and wonder where I am. He’ll get scared. He’ll panic. He’ll start to cry. Hell, he’s even had nightmares where Papyrus has killed me or that I’ve abandoned him before. If he wakes up from one of those nightmares and I’m not there, he is going to have a full blown panic attack. And sure, I’d hear him and come running, but I don’t want to be there a little while after he wakes up, I want to be there WHEN he wakes up. Despite all these thoughts swimming through my mind and giving me every reason not to leave, my body still found itself slowly but surely getting up from the bed. I was moving as carefully and quietly as I possibly could. It took me 3 or 4 full minutes just to leave the bedroom, but Sans didn’t notice that I was gone at all. He was sleeping soundly. Just a few minutes. He’ll never even know.

I was leaning my body against the cool wall of my house. I didn’t bother putting on any shoes when I came out here. After all, I wasn’t going to stay long. The fresh air did calm me a little. But I was still struggling to clear my mind. I wonder if I’ll get any sleep tonight. Probably not. Maybe tommorow..............I let out a heavy, burdened sigh. I turn my head up to the glittering ceiling. I remember hearing Sans say that the stones up there looked a lot like real stars. The biggest difference was that they didn’t have......constellations or something? What even is a constellation? Is it some kind of fancy star you can only see on the surface? I’m guessing. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll ask Sans later. Man, I remember how he’d always make the worst puns about stars and space. Or really, he’d make horrible jokes about anything in any situation. I would get so annoyed at him for it. But I haven’t seen him crack any jokes in a while. Will.......will he ever make any stupid puns again.......? Will I ever hear that.........? Is that person just.....gone.......? Sans.........please. It can be the worst joke in the world. I don’t care. I can take it. I promise I won’t get mad at you this time. Why on earth was I so short with you about it before?! I can’t believe it. You’re......never going to be the same ever again, are you, Sans....? And you know what? It’s my fault. I’m the one who ruined your life. I’m the one who insisted on going back to the scene of the crime that day. I knew you were scared, but I made you go anyway. And now, you’re a shell of your former self because of it. I could have.........I don’t know, gone by myself or something! But now, it’s too late. Nothing on earth can fix it or make it better. I can never make up for it as long as I live. You’re most likely never even going to SMILE again because of me. This guilt is crushing me. It’s suffocating. But I deserve it. It’s all true. It’s not like I can think about anything else, even if I tried. My mind just kept going with these horrible thoughts. I had no say in or control over it. But it’s what I deserve. I can’t even- “*UNDYNE!!!” -God! That REALLY startled me!! I heard Sans’ voice desperately shout out my name. I turn around, ready to run into the house, but....he’s right next to me. Did he really have to shout my name that loud? His eyes were wide, and welling up with tears. Oh CRAP. He had to have had another nightmare, and I wasn’t there, so he came looking for me! Damn it! I KNEW this would happen! Why didn’t I-..........wait, am.....am I?.............I am. I’m.....curled in a ball on the ground. How long was I........? I-I didn’t even realize that I was..........why does my throat hurt so bad? Why am I so dizzy? Why am-.........wait. There’s......I can feel wet tear stains from my eye.......I was horrified. I can’t believe Sans is seeing me like this! I turn away and hide my face in the inside of my arm. I had all of those realizations in one moment. It was too overwhelming. I had to fight to keep myself from crying again. How long have I been out here....? I tried to dry my tears, but it was useless. New ones just kept forming, wether I wanted them to or not. I can’t shake this excruciating feeling of guilt and shame. “*i....d-didnt you hear me call out your name the first couple of times....? you really s-scared me there....” His voice was breaking. Did he really call out to me more than once.....? I.....actually didn’t hear it. This is worse than I thought. He had his hand on my shoulder, and I think he was sitting down next to me. He’s trying to be comforting, and honestly, he is, but it’s making it way harder not to cry. I hate this. It hurts. “*a-...at first i thought i just heard you talking to yourself outside, and as i got closer, i thought maybe you were laughing, b-but when i opened the door.....you were crying. why? did.....you have a nightmare......?” I wanted to respond, but I was still too choked up to speak yet. “*......u-undyne.........its.....alright..........youre not alone anymore............im here.” Sans, I know you’re trying to help me, but it just stings. Please stop. You shouldn’t have to worry about me. I’m the one who should be worrying about you. Shit, I can’t believe I let this happen. I can’t believe I did this. I feel so embarrassed and horrible. My breath is shaking. I try to keep it straight and sound calm and collected, but there’s only so much I can do. An occasional whimper slips out, beyond my control. “*....everythings alright now, undyne........its okay.......” Why does it hurt so much when he talks to me like that?! Is this how he feels when I comfort him? I hope not. I think I can speak now. I do my absolute best to sound normal. “*......I’m............I’m..........I’m f-fine.” “*......undyne. you were crying. you still are.” “*No, I’m not!” My voice cracks when I say that. Of course I’m not fine. We both can hear and see it. I’m not really sure why I’m still denying it, I just know I have to. “*............*sigh*” Sans put his arm around my back and pulls me a little closer. “*okay.” He......there’s no way he actually bought that. For some reason, when he was comforting me this time, it didn’t really hurt. It actually made me feel slightly better. I’ve dried my face as best as I could. I turn to look at him. Hopefully I don’t look too bad. He was staring ahead at nothing. He didn’t even glance at me. Maybe he didn’t notice me turning my head. I hesitantly put my arm around him, too. He glanced up at me for a second, then just looked forward at nothing again. He looked sad. All that guilt hit me again for a moment. I sighed and looked ahead of me, too. “*....why were you crying? was it actually a bad dream....?” “*......I........I guess.............okay. I..........I’m...............I s-suppose........I’m a little scared.” “*.....me too.” He didn’t believe me even a little bit. He knew I was trying to make it sound better than it actually was. I could hear it in his voice. He turned up to look at my face. “*but you know, even if you werent just a little scared........e-even if you were REALLY scared, so scared that you don’t know what to do....then, thats okay. i dont know what to do, either. theres nothing wrong with it. i dont need you to be strong, i just need you.” I didn’t realize it until he said it, but I needed to hear those words. So, why did it sting so bad when I heard them? I was impressed. He KNEW. He knew just what I needed to hear. Either it was written all over my face, or he was just a really good friend. Probably both. Oh, Sans.....if..........if I told you that I ruined your life, that I was the one who caused you all this pain......................would you hate me? Would you ever forgive me? My mind drifts back to what was worrying me so much. I couldn’t control it. I REALLY don’t know what I would do if that happened. I feel my throat tighten up. It hurts. I mean, you’re living with me now......what would you do? Where would you go? You already had an image of an extremely important person in your life crumble to pieces, most likely THE most important.........if that happened again.....you would definetly kill yourself. Just the thought makes me wince. A whimper escapes me and I hold him much tighter than I did before. A tear or two falls down my face. I think I was even trembling. “*-oh! undyne! whats wrong??” It took me a full second to process what I just did. It was almost entirely unconscious. He was looking at me with those wide, sad eyes again. I buried my face in my hand and turned away. I can’t believe I’m doing this in front of him. But I can’t control myself. What’s wrong with me?! My breathing was fast and unsteady. I was even whimpering a little. I was trying so hard to not use my voice, but it just didn’t matter. I felt so helpless. “*undyne, everythings.......everythings okay...!” No! It’s not! Nothing is okay!! Stop saying that! It just hurts! I wish could have said that to him, but I just can’t talk right now, no matter how much I want to. I want to tell him I’m fine. I want to tell him not to worry. But even if I did manage to say it clearly, he wouldn’t believe it. He’s not stupid. Actually, I think I want to just say something. Anything. But that wasn’t going to happen. He gently, but quickly pulls me into a hug. I let out a small gasp. Why does it hurt this much?! Please make it stop! I can’t take it anymore! Sans, please! You have to stop! How am I still able to hold myself back from crying? I was honestly a little impressed with myself. I didn’t hug him back. I knew if I did, that would push me over the edge. How much longer am I going to be stuck in this hell? Sans, please, please just let me go and go back to bed. Please. Why can’t you? “*........its okay to cry, undyne.......its alright.” Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to cry! But I’m sure he can hear the sounds I’m making, and how hard I’m trying not to. Silent tears were rolling down my face, and falling on his shoulder. There was a small stain there. He can most likely feel that, too. My arms were suspended in the air, behind his back. I can’t. I wanted to put them down, but something inside me just wouldn’t let me do that. Sans.....you’re right here......but I can’t.........this hurts so much. Please, no more. Let it end already. I can’t do it. He begins slowly stroking my back up and down. Up and down. He has such a gentle touch, but each time he does it, it stings to badly.......that’s it. I can’t control myself at all anymore. I give into the urge, and embrace him tightly. I start uncontrollably sobbing. There was nothing I could do to stop it anymore. I completely buried my face into his shoulder. He was still rubbing my back. He didn’t even slow down at all when I started crying. The only sounds that could be heard were my own loud, muffled sobs and Sans' soft voice in my ear, trying to console me. “*there, there. its okay now. its going to be alright.” It really isn’t. I’m amazed I can make out what he said through my sobs, especially considering how softly he was speaking. The fear paralyzed me. I was terrified from the very depths of my soul. Pure horror had a tight grip on my very being. I couldn't take it. Sans, please stay with me! Don't leave! “*theres nothing to be afraid of. ive got you now.” It took me a couple seconds to notice this, but now when he tried to comfort me, it didn’t hurt half as much as it did before. Actually, it almost didn’t hurt at all. “*im here, undyne. youre going to be fine. were both going to be just fine.” I really hope so. I really hope so. “*....hey........do you want to hear a joke?.......” I suddenly feel a little hope bloom in my chest. I can’t believe it. It was unexpected. I sob again and hug him tighter. I might have unconsciously nuzzled my face into his shoulder.

“I’d......love that. Yes, please.”

Nothing Stays The Same- me
Undertale- Toby Fox
artwork- yours truly