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Antarija — The Untold Game - part 43 + Extras
#black #pokemon #untold #visual #white #nuzlocke #novel #theuntoldvisualnovel
Published: 2016-10-06 20:16:48 +0000 UTC; Views: 13395; Favourites: 55; Downloads: 12
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Description
EDIT (05.2019)
Sorry, I decided I need to fix it before showing it to you again.
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OHMYGAWDIT'SDONE! FINALLY!
Ok, so it was supposed to be just an extra but I've changed my mind. For once I didn't have to worry about space and bubbles and the pain so I took this opportunity to explain some things in (I hope) more reader-friendly way.
I'm not sure how long exactly will it take to finish that game, but I'd say it should take an hour or two max? You can save the game and come back to it later, so don't worry.
I apologise in advance for any mistakes I've made. English is not my first langueage as you already know so... yeah *cough* just know that I'm sorry ^^"
How to make it work:
1. Click the link above.
2. Download.
3. Extract the .zip file
4. Open the main file, there should be an exe.file called "The_Untold_Visual_Novel".
5. Click on it and the game should start up.
What you'll find:
- Your favourite maids
- Some backstories
- Maybe even the plot
- Parties
- Answers for some questions you've asked me years ago
- Many things and a lot of text (it's a visual novel, yo. It's all about reading)
- pretty song : D
- over 20 characters...
- only one ending, since it's a formal story, but you'll have to make some choices as well, fear not
- 130 images in total as the game told me
Also, your votes at the "choose your maid" pool will result in a short story about Airie in the future. Just saying~
First -> fav.me/d7e62h6
Previous -> fav.me/daecb9f
Next -> fav.me/dam77hx
Lore:
Mana - fav.me/d958ljm
Wilds - fav.me/d9vbkw4
Death - fav.me/d9w2s7w
Related content
Comments: 35
Right then. Quite the excellent comic you have here.
You've got a solid piece of work here, that much is clear.
Seeing the visual novel, I decided to take a peek and see what it had to offer.
Suffice to say, I was rather.. Underwhelmed shall we say. Don't get me wrong, the prose inside it was decent. But to be brutally honest, I have seen better visual novels. As said, the prose itself was fine. But the design of the visual novel itself seemed like it could have been tied up in a few fanfiction or comic posts. There was so much prose to work though I ended up skipping to see if there was any actions the player could take. Far as I could tell, they seemed to be spread rather far apart from what I have been able to look at.
Now granted, it is very much possible that there is more to be seen in the visual novel itself. But what I *did* see didn't paint a very good impression on me. The introductory was dense. Too dense with material. Enough that it would also make a poor impression on other players who may just get bored and shut the game off. With few actions as is, it seems less of an interactive experience and more of a glorified slideshow with dialogue at the bottom, sometimes interrupted with actions that you can take. But considering the fact that a player like myself just began to breeze through the dialogue just to see if there was anything to do, I do believe you may have crippled your introduction by throwing so much at the player at once.
It certainly wasn't digestible by any stretch.
There is only one other visual novel game I have played called Angels with Scaly Wings, but during the introduction I saw a couple things that stood out in stark contrast between your production and that of AwSW. Put simply, AwSW got kept a short but effective introduction that hooks the player almost immediately. First by keep things short and to the point in condensing all the most essential details needed for a player on a need to know basis, then dangling the rest in front of them as an incentive to keep moving forward, plus multiple opportunities to interact with the environment and characters directly.
Your visual novel did not have those elements, at least not in the same way that AwSW did.
Additionally having your character act as but a mere ghost of sorts also may have crippled your visual novel. While I understand the intent behind it, I do not believe it did well to service the visual novel itself. Not when you buried the player in so much text that it bores them. I cannot speak for other players, but I would bet decent money to say you probably turned off a fair number of players by packing in so much into the intro. Such would overwhelm almost anyone with information overload, causing them to skip past and ignore what might be pivotal information.
To sum all of this up? Your main problem is your introduction was dense, with too few interactions inbetween for the player to be interested for long. The same I would assume applies to the rest of this visual novel.
I get it. Making *any* game is hard work, even just a visual novel. Just by what you have here I can see the effort invested into your production. But it won't be of use to you if you lose your audience within the first few minutes or so because of the intimidating amount of text to sift and digest all in one sitting. When that happens, few if any could expect to remember the important details without writing it all down, a little counterproductive for what you were going for.
You have potential, that much is clear. But I would say you have much to learn before you've mastered the art of visual novels, at least from a gamer's perspective such as one from myself. It may very well be that I am not the intended audience. Which is fine. This stuff isn't for everyone. But I would be remissive in my desires to see your production climb to the highest peaks if I did not note such flaws for you to take a look at in the first place.
With all that said, I have a couple suggestions for what you could do proceeding forward.
Condense the most essential points in the first few minutes of the game. Don't bury your player with overwhelming amounts of information.
Give them a hook that they will latch onto to incentive them to keep playing the game. I.E: Some mystery or what not to keep it all interesting.
Give the player something to do with more frequent action/decision prompts so they don't just feel like a mere spectator here. (This extends into the decision to make the player a ghost spectator. The protagonist is interesting, but even the most devoted will have their senses worn going through the introduction.)
Have the player take a more direct role in the game. Maybe using some meta knowledge to provide certain aid as tasked by Arceus himself within certain limitations. (As for why, I guess you'll have to ask Arceus yourself. He works in mysterious ways for us mortals. More to the point, it's a way to explain how the player is able to directly interact with the others while also explaining away the gameplay limitations. I.E: Spouting off essential plot points that may derail the plot you are going for.)
Another alternative is to have the player as a "character" of sorts that is part of the story. Either an already existing major one such as one of his mons, human partners, antagonists, or something else that would excuse the direct interaction.
Aside from those major issues, there were a few more minor flaws such as mispellings and scene transitions that could have been done better with the music, but these are fixable with having a beta tester look into it and/or someone fluent in English as a first language. (I checked. Your English is commendable for not being a native speaker. Aside from those few minor mispellings and grammar mistakes, you got a solid command of the English language.)
Overall, I see what you were going for. But this visual novel seems like what would be a first attempt at making one.
An ambitious and okay one by the standards of a beginner to be sure, but still lacking. Nonetheless, I think you can learn a few valuable lessons for the future if you ever decide to make another visual novel in this style. Just try to keep all of this in mind when moving forward.
I hope this pseudo review/critique was of at least some help for you. If not, I apologize I wasn't able to be of more assistance. In any case, I look forward to your next major update when it comes.
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Actually, I'm really grateful for your feedback. Coincidence or not I just re-read that thing a few days ago and you know what?
It was awful.
In so, so many ways. I'm surprised you were even able to call any part of it "decent" and, to be honest, I'd have to disagree with you.
I admit it was my first try at a visial novel, but that's not an excuse. I like visual novels, I played quite a few, so I can say that I, more or less, know how they should look like, and that defnitely wasn't what I'd ever want to play. It was a bad one. A really bad one.
The original idea for this one was for it to just be a quick, enjoable extra for the comic, but oh well... You're right, it turned into a real mess and a completely not neccesarry wall of text.
The main quiestion is, what the hell was wrong with me those 3 years ago, that I thought it was quite ok, haha.
You're advices are really helpful, and matches most of my thoughts during my recent "play".
I wouldn't change it for any "action" game, though, if I might be honest, as it was not the purpose of it. It's supposed to be informative, and alternate way for the normal comic page with addition of all the stupidity that happens in the Castelia in the game. I also wouldn't give the player a, let's say, more "normal" character simply because it would make no sense, no in this kind of... story? I'm not sure how to call it.
But even if that's what I think about it, it needs to be changed, with that I agree in 100%. And with everything else you said as well.
So that's being said, I'll suspend this part from now until I rewrite it and probably make a completely new version of this "game", since the art of it also rubs me the wrong way. I planned to do it for a long time, but your words gave me the push I needed to finally do it.
I don't know if I'll really come back with it or when, since I'm not sure I can afford investing another 500+ hours into it, but I'll try. It just can't stay like it, it's waaaaay too embarassing, haha.
That being said, thank you so much for your critique! I can't say it was nice, reading it, but that's because it was true, haha. It was refreshing, and really, really helpful!
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
it isn't what you think. it isn't bad at all. the content might be not for young people but it's unique and one hell of a storyline.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
My apologies for the late reply. A few things came up and distracted me to the point that I forgot about your comment until I just decided to peek back into my notifications. But better late than ever I suppose.
I am glad that my critique was helpful to you in some way at least. It isn't often that I deign to comment on content due to the time commitment involved and the possibility of the effort being a fruitless one, but here I saw an active series that I thought was worth my time, possibly with an author who would be receptive to some of what I had to say. Needless to say, it would seem that my efforts bore fruit here.
Now, on to the rest of your comment.
I will admit I was being somewhat generous in my appraisal of the visual novel. I find that for creators the pain is somewhat lessened if I illuminate some of the strengths they have in their work, no matter how little of it there may be. In this it both helps the creators find out not only what they need to address, but also just as important what they “don’t” need to worry so much on, to give them confirmation that they are indeed on the right track in some way, shape or form. Otherwise the creator may be liable to fix what isn’t broken. In another way, it also serves that the creator may be more readily receptive to what I have to say if I were to include some positives, instead of just ripping the work to shreds.
There is some truth that your writing in the technical sense is not absolutely horrible. But it as said was dense and verbose.
“Less is more” is a saying that comes to mind, especially here.
As for what went wrong three years ago? Inexperience I would presume, and perhaps the lack of people to beta check your work before it went out to the public proper. Not just fellow friendly pen pals, but other new readers who may take a more objective look at your work for what it is.
What’s done is done, and you have at the very least learned some valuable lessons on what and what not to do the next time you take another hit at making a visual novel. Next time, I presume your work will be far more solid than what is seen here.
(I wouldn't change it for any "action" game, though, if I might be honest, as it was not the purpose of it. It's supposed to be informative, and alternate way for the normal comic page with addition of all the stupidity that happens in the Castelia in the game. I also wouldn't give the player a, let's say, more "normal" character simply because it would make no sense, no in this kind of... story? I'm not sure how to call it. But even if that's what I think about it, it needs to be changed, with that I agree in 100%. And with everything else you said as well. )
That’s fine. But it might be worth considering such for any future visual novels or mini games you might consider, deviation though they may be to your original vision and plans. The strength of such an approach would in a way give your reader a “direct” way to interact with the world presented in a format that might give them the illusion that they are making a difference in world and contributing to the next part. It helps with getting the reader invested and engaged with the work in question, at least as far as immersion is concerned in lodging a “personal” stake of how the story turns out, even if such is just an illusion at the end of the day.
Even if you weren’t to give a player “character” directly interacting with the main characters and important story stuff, you could use the opportunity to explore other facets of the world, such as the protagonist’s gang and the stuff that we as readers *don’t* see due to the comic being preoccupied with the main characters. Perhaps you could even show stuff from another perspective besides that. It isn’t strictly necessary, but it is something I would advise you to consider moving forward if nothing else. To keep such in the back of your mind until an idea may pop up that is suitable for the format in mind.
As for this visual novel itself? Let it stand as a reminder of your past mistakes, something to learn from to pave a better product in the future. There is always next time in this case.
Again, I am glad that my critique has proven helpful to you. I just hope to see more future content from you as a creator and at the very least, to see this comic to completion, even if you don’t end up doing any more Pokemon related content beyond this comic. (Hopefully you aren’t burning out on this comic at least, but you seem to have a good handle on that.)
Anyway, I will maintain a close watch on this comic as it develops. Though I may not comment, I will be watching. Keep up the good work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Aw darn it! I'm reading this on mobile! Hope nothing TOO important is in this part!
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wait, this is not april fool joke right??
so getting this
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Perhaps I should upload the fixed version finally... ^^"
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
to be completely honest, it feels like Red Dog might be Alder. but thats only cause of Alders hair haha.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haha, yeah his hair asks for getting him some strange nickname xD
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This is SPARTA!
Or no, maybe not. ;]
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Would it make me a very bad person if I said I'm glad to hear that?
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
=w= I saw the pirate lady reference btw, haha.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I enjoyed playing it through. I really like how everyone's characters came through so distinctively and the comedy was great. XD Breakdancing scene was so unexpected but I loved it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Really? Phew, now I'm happy and relieved! I was afraid players gonna fall asleep in the middle of it, haha.
Those dancers asked for it ;D
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Not at all~ Gonna put aside a good chunk of time to make sure I can play it properly. :3
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OH my god-- I loved every part of this!!! This was truly a gift XD
breakdancing Khail FTW
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Yaaaay, thank you so much!
He's a man of many talents , lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
So... it's not possible to read this part without downloading anything?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Nope. It's a game, after all. A short one, but still.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm confused so is this part 43 of the comic in visual novel or something else?
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As the title say, yes it's the part 43 in a form of a visual novel.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Uhm.. "fyp"? me understand nicht...
I get it you have some problems with the game...? Maybe I'll be able to fix it somehow?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No no no I meant 'Final Year Project' XD
I basically have no time on my hands now
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Oh xD
My gawd, I'm getting old to not being able to decipher that xD
But fear not, it won't go anywhere!
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Then than makes two of us xD
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