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ashellessmind β Liquefaction
Published: 2010-09-06 18:07:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 228; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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Description
I've learnedI love how dry ice
slowly fades in the freezer.
LikeΒ the sing-song clank
of an ice-cream truck
lumbering away.
Like lightning, you were
electric & uplifting, always brightening
my grave weight.
But you
morphed to faltering
seawater so that you could evaporate.
Your beloved surge of waves:
they crest, they crash,
they cave.
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Comments: 7
First stanza: brilliant. Nuff said.
Second stanza...decent. A bit too "I love you" for my tastes. Not that there's a thing wrong with love finding its way into a poem. I'm all for it (can't deny the origins of poetry, no can we?). However, "But I'd dislike it if you / leave." is too easy for me. The image that follows is just fine. The lines that begin "You are electric" and finish the stanza are a bit too (I hate to say it, so please don't hate me in return) "emo". They don't fit in the maturity of the rest of the piece.
I love the sounds of the third stanza. And the first bit of enjamb is magical. I have to say, I note the symmetry and appreciate it for what it adds in terms of what's being said in the piece, but I may sacrifice complete symmetry for revision of that second stanza.
I know you've revised this, so I'm sorry for being "that bitch". There are moments of grace in this piece that I appreciate. Just know that
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Well, how about this? Its a lot more bitter this way, but I think I've finally cut the whole 19th century vibe.
This is a difficult poem for me because I wrote it originally for a girl who I believed to be dying of heart failure (see: The Cantos & the Synestheste) and who turned out to be lying (see: a lot of poems starting with Lilies). So now, in revision, the question is whether to keep the spirit of the poem essentially alive or to make it into something else. With The Cantos I did the former and I don't much care for it because it feels like a lie (though I was totally serious at the time). With this one, I've completely morphed it, but subtly.
So I think I may be starting to like this one.
anyway.
Thanks for the feedback. It really does help. I'm very grateful.
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Definitely like this better. The second stanza cleaned up. It's coming into being masterful.
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But I'd dislike it if you
leave.
is a bad line.
Your other comments I'll ignore for now, as other people have told me the opposite--that the lightning metaphor works best, and that the last image is too emotive.
As it stands, I think the piece is a little too 19th century Romantic (not 21st century emo) across the board. I'm working on it.
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HaHa. Please, ignore my comments if they're not for you. What the hell do I know?! Like, really, don't even worry about it...HaHa.
I do like the lightening metaphor. It's the bit about being electric and shining on your grave that I found oddly out of place with the rest of the piece.
But, I do hope you know that I liked the piece. I know that that sometimes doesn't come across as well as I'd like
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