Kalilac [2008-02-07 00:16:18 +0000 UTC]

I do like this poem, and I understand what you're doing with it. The only thing that confuses me is the way the meter keeps changing, and the beat is lost through those changes. You seem not to make up your mind about how you want it to rhyme, and those things happen in both little bits of poetry you have here. At first there is solid couplets, then they become every other line and slowly fade completely. I sense a flow to a certain point, then it chunks slightly until the end.

I understand the title is "losing it" and that may very well be the technique you wanted to use for that effect, and if so, it came across very well. But if you did have a certain flow in your mind, it is hard to find from the words here when you start to end the couplets.

All in all I do very much like this poem, and good job writing it, I hope you don't mind this critique, I saw no one had commented on this yet, and I know it gets frustrating being a poet and posting things, and never knowing what people think of them.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Abrainthatleaks [2008-01-12 09:05:07 +0000 UTC]

Wanting to know
is like colours inside
trying to get out
in the haunt of depravity
hours might know
what was wanted from this
but we want from a subject
that isn't ours to kiss
and the flavor of words
can be so hard
to miss
but we do
concentrating on the lines
and the tempo
of a life so unsimple
it is our own
and there's
NO HOME WITHOUT YOU
but what can we do without
the affection
we count on
we needed
from you?
See
so that we can see

👍: 0 ⏩: 0