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atomicstructure — Choice
Published: 2010-01-08 01:36:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 358; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 4
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Description The line stood,
Unmoving and statuesque.

The slogan
For What Is Right

No one looked
Nor spared a glance

Still they stood
Before our home

"Let us"
The shout of their want

"We want"
Broken calls

All filling the street
In their line
Chanting those words
So everyone can have a choice.
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Comments: 4

DAmusicproject [2010-01-08 11:31:22 +0000 UTC]

Nice.

Favourited. Counted.

Sylk~

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atomicstructure In reply to DAmusicproject [2010-01-08 22:17:02 +0000 UTC]

yay! thanks ^^

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Raven-of-Prophecy [2010-01-08 01:41:23 +0000 UTC]

I do see where you're going with this but I personally would have changed the last line to 'every woman could have their choice', just as an obvious touch of irony. However, the 'everyone' you've gone with could work in this context, just more subtle.

I would've liked a similar or metaphor though. Imagery, even just one example, could've been used very powerfully to convey your socio-historic context- perhaps in your description of the line of people? Perhaps a wall?

(BTW- don't feel that I'm criticising your work because I'm superior or anything- I'm learning as I go along too and these are just my opinions.)

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atomicstructure In reply to Raven-of-Prophecy [2010-01-08 01:45:26 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the feedback! I'm in the throws of writers block right now, so constructive criticism is much appreciated

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