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Augmented-Matrix — Untitled
Published: 2007-04-10 17:05:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 130; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description
these pick up lines grow tiredyour arms cant find space
and it always seems youve got something on your mind other than me
so here we stand
tired and forgotten
sitting and waiting for the end of our days
the holes in the walls remind us we're human
but the scars on our hands tell a different lie
this hallway brightens taking shape
and the shadows in your eyes tell me
that you haven't forgotten that last kiss
i know these mistakes grow cold
and i know that a martyr must burn
but standing on the edge of something impossible
freezes doubt with friction
warming up the possibility that i may be wrong
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Comments: 3
it just sort of fell apart at the end, the entire last stanza and even a few of the last lines in the second stanza. the first stanz was really strong and pulled me in....it seems like the style and flow changed. they are good lines, they just don't fit together with the first stanza.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
yeah thats what i thought too.
oh well, thats what i get for posting a first draft haha
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
well by posting the first draft you get critique before you polish it and feel really good about it and then hear that its funky. you'll fix it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0