HOME | DD
AuthenticLogic — Broken
Published: 2006-02-21 07:13:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 166; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 10
Redirect to original
Description
Some break, and happen to come back together.Some broken again just for good measure.
Some whole and blooming with feeling,
Some weak and withered with aging.
Mine, shattered and spread in the winds
Crushed in bare hands, stomped beneath feet
Chewed up and swallowed, expelled crudely
Shards forgotten, lost in the wilderness
A heart? I knew the meaning of that once
To love? I felt such a feeling…once
To care? I had known to do such a thing…once
Shatter me, throw me into the rivers and skies
Crush me in your hands, stomp me beneath your feat
Chew me up, swallow me, expel me with glee
My pieces are not there to pick up anymore
It makes no difference
I have lost what cannot be found
Dropped what cannot be picked up
Forgotten what cannot be remembered
Fallen without a hand to lift me back up
I require no acclamation
Never have, nor will
I do not wish
I do not want
I do not ask
I do not pray for
Retribution
For none can mask what has happened to me
Which I cannot recall
It seems that everyone, save for myself
Seems to have a heart
Comments: 6
I have to start off by saying that, I have read this poem several times, and each and everytime I'm left at a loss of words. I love the beginning!! It soft and mellow and then it becomes very sad, leaves you feeling empty.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
The first line starts with a verb, the other three lines in that stanza have none. I understand omitting empty words, but inconsistency bothers me, especially when using repetition to any degree. (Even only endrhyme, sometimes, though there is the repetition at the beginning of the lines in this stanza)
Similarly the switching of verb tense in stanza 3 bothers me. (line 3 of the stanza) Maybe you should take it from what it is now to something more like "I knew such a thing, once." The 'to do' is adding more syntax problems than meaning.
The last stanza bothers me in two places. One is just the placement of the word 'for.' I would move it down to the line with retribution so that you can read any of those preceding lines and then that line and get a full statement. The other is the third to last line "Which I cannot recall." It's a little vague and a bit confusing at first glance. At second, it makes sense but could do with strengthening anyway.
Despite these minor things, I actually love the poem. It seems very heartfelt and you're doing a lot of things with it. Things which are almost entirely good, save for the mentioned bits.
Hope I helped.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Oh, another thing. If you move the "for" as I suggested, you should probably omit the "for" at the beginning of the line which would then be directly below it. Otherwise it would look a little tacky.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow, this piece is absolutely amazing. *snaps* I hope everything works out with whatever you're going through. = ]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That is too beautiful to describe, Logic. This really made me shed some tears, because I know some people who have gone through this. I am so impressed with your artistic talents with words. Remember, keep on spreading that passion on your canvas. Great work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Interesting piece. The heart is a delicate thing. once youve lost the potential to love it is hard to get back
👍: 0 ⏩: 0