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awesomesauce — and yet i am so depleted
Published: 2003-10-28 18:16:21 +0000 UTC; Views: 246; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 38
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Description
this floor hears my cry...quiet and cold it accepts it...
like my soul...
as i lay here..
alone...
desolate...
i feel there is so much more that i can do...
so much more that i can give...
i do try...
it is that which causes this distress and sorrow...
i give too much...
i set my heart up for the greatest downfalls...
in hopes for the utmost blessed rewards...
yet i have yet to be rewarded...
this hour is getting late....
this life is closing in and i can barely hear the sounds of this world...
i tried to shut it out...
but now i long but only for it to whisper .....
yet i remember its coldness...
its quite listening...
never comforting...
only attention...
atention which i so longed for...
yet i have come to realize that it was all folly...
this worlds attention is not hopeful...
it gives no sympathy...
it is merely like traffic...
slowly passing a crash site...
no one helps...
only passing...
amused by the ignorance of those who were so stupid as to not pay attention to the signs...
i hate signs...
i hate the road..
i hate this road...
yet i long for its deep coldness..
its sorrow..
only in hopes to feel the greatest sympathy...
yet i am not sympathized...
i am but a fool..
woe ...
woe to my soul...
if only i could slowly slip into this sorrow..
to be swallowed up in its dark longing and desperation...
yet i do...
i am successful in doing that which i wish least...
it pains me...
it hurts my soul to the point where i feel as if i need to give my love away..
i need it not...
i deserve it not...
i give and i give...
longing just for one kiss...
one gentle touch of lips..
sweet love..
tasting so sweet...
i long for it..
yet i know that i am undeserving...
so i remain here...
lying on the floor..
slipping away...
in my sorrow...
in my desparation
... giving away that which i long most for...
that which is my treasure...
i have none... yet i give it away..
for it is not mine...
...
it is yours....
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Comments: 25
I like it, it's.... real. It's a bit disorganized, but if it's mimicking your thoughts or thought process then I suppose it should be like that, hmm? As for the "swallowed up in a hundred thousand other angsty poems on DA" comment, I must say, it's true that this sort of poem is common. But sorrow is one of the deepest and most prevalent emotions there is, and I think it's understandable that many people would write about it. You know?
--
"Can't rain all the time..."
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Esto se ama 
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de nada... gracias mi amor....
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I really love it. Its so wonderful and real....
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i didnt know you could get so dark. its nice to know another thinks that way
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hey what can i saw.. im an emo kid...
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It's good but a tad too long - and since I'm not in a very good mood myself, I know the feeling :-/
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well my thoughts are long... so shoot me...
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I like the sense of.... lonliness this poem puts off... it's very touching. I think that if you presented it better(like the line breaks that skwish-e was talking about) You'd have a lot more responses... All the lines seem to blur together... I dunno..I'm not telling how to write or anything, Just attempting to give contructive cricism....
I like your style of writing and I can relate to them, which in my book, is totally awesome..
Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see more.
~*( 
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I like the part about the traffic passing the crash. The rest seems pretty much swallowed up in a hundred thousand other angsty poems on DA. I have a hard time reading another one that has the words... "to be swallowed up in dark" anywhere in it. But, as I said, I do like the image of traffic passing the crash site. Write one centered around that, and give it line breaks. You may find a better reception.
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wow some actual constructive criticism!! im flattered... well thank you very much ... ill keep that in mind
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