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Bearpod91 — Paint
Published: 2008-08-24 18:48:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 962; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 5
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Description
Skin spoils as the golden glowRusts to become pitiful brown
Masks become reliant
As all faded lights need replacement
Pathetic attempts of beauty
Create dark illusions
Concluding in heartless faces
As lies grow too dependent
The fear of reality increases too far
As others laugh, taunt and pick
Seductive fumes overcome
The sincerity of the original
True souls pushed
Into cold, dark rooms
To be hidden and forgotten.
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Comments: 54
I wrote the masks metaphor on about the idea that people start needing a face or personality to hide behind. But you can have your own interpretation, that's whats great about poetry.
And thank you for the fav too.
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Your descriptions bring about some very nice imagery especially in the first two lines when it really captures my attention.
I noticed there wasn't any punctuation until the very end yet you begin every line with a capital. This bugs, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm expecting pauses but there isn't any punctuation to stop me so I move to the next line but there's a capital there that interrupts the rhythm as I'm reading.
Just add some punctuation or get rid of the unnecessary capitals, and it's perfect.
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It's great to hear the beginning grabs you in. As for the punctuation, I know I don't do the formal method. It's just how I present my poems, you can say it's not perfect but that's one view. Perfect is a word for an opinion, I doubt everyone can have the same opinion on anything. Thanx for the comment
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Not a problem. How you choose to do your poems is totally up to you. I can only offer my opinion.
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Not much of a daytime writer?
I can relate to the sentiment. I wonder how many people do.
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The night is silent while some minds never rest. But the day holds much to take from. I guess it all matters on what inspires you. Thanx for the comment
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Thanks, I'm glad you feel that way.
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That's a nice way to kill a writers block.
That's how my poem "Ecstasy" was for me.
But, really nice work on the poem.
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Thanx man. I checked out your poem, it has a cool narrative I could imagine for a black&white film.
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Now that you mentioned it, I think it would go well for a black and white film too.
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I love this. The first line really sets the poem up well. Nice work, I like the dark tones
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Thanx! Yeah its not the lightest poem around
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"Into cold, dark rooms
To be hidden and forgotten."
Those two lines are especially great, they stand out in what's already a very strong piece.
great work.
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Thank you, I'm glad you think that way.
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"Pathetic attempts of beauty
Create dark illusions
Concluding in heartless faces"
I am absolutely enthralled by that.
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urg writers block...lol!
this is a pretty good break though i particually liked the line 'Seductive fumes overcome
The sincerity of the original'
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lol yea hate when that happens.
Thanx for the comment!
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Excellent imagery. The image is concise and blunt, but isn't spoiled by oversimplifications.
For some reason though, it didn't feel like it ended for me, which is weird because the poem was fairly conclusive, but something felt like you were about to go on after the last line. It might've been the omitted punctuation, but I'm not positive.
Anyway, good work, and thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for the comment. As for the ending, I kinda see how you could feel that way. Sometimes, I do that to sort of make the reader continue the thought in their heads.
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I love the last line, very powerful.
I think the main thing though, is that without punctuation, it's a bit hard to decipher in some places. Perhaps some commas or semicolons are in order? It would really help emphasize your metaphors.
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This has been something that comes up in discussion on my poetry. Basically, I'm just too focused on the words and flow of the poem to think about punctuation. Also, I've read brilliant poems that were in completely broken sentences and no structure. Honestly, the poem's message and ideas are what matters most to me and I don't really think commas and semicolons create such a big difference. But thank you for the critique and thoughts.
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Of course the poems message is what's important--but the medium you're using to communicate is the English language. There are some very skilled poets who manage to master making their unique structure a part of their work, but usually, when a poem doesn't have correct grammar to aid the reader understand your message, they get confused. Correct punctuation in that way serves to direct attention to important parts, and it keeps the reader from wondering about the lack of punctuation instead of what the poem is really about. For you, as the writer, you understand the poem perfectly because you wrote it. But again, the English language is a medium, and until you master a way of poetry with unusual or no grammar, it would help most people understand you better if you used it correctly.
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very nice, this has to be my favorite poem from you yet. as always your imagery and metaphors are amazing. I'll have to get better at this if I plan on turning out any good poetry for that creative writing class I told you I was taking.
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Wow, thanx man. You got in the creative writing class? Sweet, I'm doing digital photography and art history this year. Have fun in the class, man!
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Only in the first two lines? 
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well, I meant I liked those especially
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Yeah, I know, I was just messing with you.
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A good poem! I think some words could have been replaced with more flowing terms, for example, the 'becomes'' in the first few lines are out of line, but overall good job!
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Thanks for the critique! There is a reason I used "become" twice and in the same area of the sentence but I don't want to say why. As for other words, I can't really see what word would work better and still suit the meaning of the poem. What words have more flow that could substitute "become"?
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I'd recommend searching the internet for synonyms and choosing one you like best, such as conform, turn to etc;
[link]
Though if your poem sounds as you love it, then it's perfect
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Lol looking in the thesaurus huh? Thats not really my style in poetry. I write poems from an impulse where its all paper, pen and my mind. I rarely change the words, unless theres a major correction needed. But thanks for your thoughts.
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By looking in thesauruses you can expand your vocabulary. Impulses are great- but you'll have a wider vocabulary to gain impulse from. There's nothing wrong with that.
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A cleverly disguised piece.
Your invisible sentences have lots of running and end in poignant collisions with the imagination. Even without the periods, they are fitting clause enders. The poem finishes in "cold, dark rooms "leaving the reader to ponder on this subtle work of art.
It is good.
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Well thank you, it's been a while since someone saw that in my work.
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This is great. I particularly like the first two lines.
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This is great! I love your metaphores, you are really good at it, I see clearly every word as well painted old and burned paper.
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. And I like the image you thought of from my poem, very cool!
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