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Twenty Ten Four
#blackberry #chav #facebook #fighting #iphone #urban #change #georgeorwell #life #soceity #technology #beccalicious
Published: 2014-05-20 22:54:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 6279; Favourites: 78; Downloads: 0
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body div#devskin0 hr { }
We never notice.
Our alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell beating our mornings
'til we remove from our snooze. We
forgot the tink-tinker or
bleep-fuck-bleeper
and emerge the same.
The same commute to work:
Heads sunk, tired eyes drunk by
thumb movements. Our ears dumb
locked into a Will-I-Am trance. Not
a glance of the changing scenes;
the only birds we see are angry.
The same office echoes with
tip-tip-tip-tapping
of emails blaming others and smack-talking.
instead of actual talking. We fall for
the hype of Skype and only Siri’s
voice drones narrow answers
we accept as truth.
The same playground, huddled corners;
Children pick a blackberry instead of
picking blackberries, for their late-night
Facebook fights. Words will always hurt see:
no kids to hit with sticks and stones. Unless
there’s an app for it.
What do we do when stop?
Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time.
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Comments: 43
Hey there,
Prettyflour here on behalf of a.deviantart.net/avatars/p/o/p… " alt=" " title="PoeticalCondition" /> with the critique you requested.
Oh yes, this has a cadence totally worthy of a spoken word piece. I read it twice- once silently and one aloud and I have to day…this poem deserves to read out loud- it has such power to it- especially the tip-tip-tip-tapping and tink-tinker. It’s got great flow!
I love the references to technology, and how it sucks the life out of us. Maybe it’s because I am hopelessly addicted to my smart phone (yes, I’ll admit it), and so are a massive amount of others. It’s a subject matter that’s certainly not new but you tackled it in a unique way. I think it’s all working.
My humble two cents. Thanks for sharing your words!
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I was able to pick up on the voice of the author, the one reading the poem, after the first stanza. It sounded to me like a sardonic, tired voice. Almost as if the writer/speaker knew what was wrong, but also knew that they couldn't do anything to change it. I love the way you integrated those names; "Pharrel", "Will I Am", "Orwell". There are quite a few references to how technology helps and harms, from alarm clocks to Facebook fights.
Moving on to the title of this piece. It really struck me, not only for the year that it represents, but also for the alternative meaning behind it. A common police saying I've heard before in various movies and books is, "10-4". The meaning behind this Ten-code saying is simply a way to say "message received". And the author's message has been received, loud and crystal clear.
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The flow of this is just great. The "tip-tapping" and the "tink-tinker" as well as the sporadic rhymes keep a sort of off-beat tempo—which fits this piece very nicely.
The major thing which catches one's attention is the abundance of creatively incorporated references to the fads of today, from hit music to popular apps and technology. But then you reach the last stanza and find a dichotomous reference to something definitely not modern: Orwell's "1984." And that leaves the reader with a perfect, full-circle ending to wrap up the superbly crafted piece.
The subject, a reflection on modern society, is not a new one, but the delivery is very unique and very powerful. Every word carries an impact within the piece, not one out of place.
Overall, "Twenty Ten Four" is an entertaining, poignant, and evocative take on a scene that many people are familiar with in the year 2014.
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Thank you very much! I have since updated the piece with a bit more structure to it too
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Death by Facebook has recently taken on a whole new meaning for me.
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This has become the world around us... We don't talk, we text. We don't interact with our likeness and in this area we have become numb. You explained it so well in this poem. Thank you for sharing!
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Congratulations is a great work, the concept is great and has a good rythym.
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This is so true and powerful, congrats on the DD!
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Wooo... Congratulations, Becca-girl, on the Daily Deviation!
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I really love all the references in this, really well-done.
Only one question: "What do we do when stop?" -- is there something missing in this verse?
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I 
"Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your
doublethink and we all cling to
the belief we're better than this
before checking our smart
phones one more time."
Boom!
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Thank you very much
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I must say that I was much too overeager to read this poem! Typically, even our contemporary poetry strays away from the current times. Oddly, I like to read about the technological world we live in and how it is bringing about our ruination.
The entire mood throughout the poem seems to be relateable. At first it seems superficial; I get a sort of "it is what it is" vibe, yet as I read further into it I caught the innuendos: references to Orwell's work.
"Orwell you're too late
took thirty years to demonstrate your..."
The way the first sentence runs into the latter seems off. I think that a comma or maybe the addition of "it" before "took".
There seems to be a slight repetition, not anaphora in the first two stanzas:
Stanza I"...alarm doesn't ring, it sings
Pharell pumping our mornings..."
Stanza II
"Our ears locked into Will-I-Am pumping it
numbing our brains..."
I would recommend just using a synonym - a conventional anecdote.
Stanza III"Children pick
a blackberry instead of
picking blackberries, for their late-night
facebook fights"
A think that period at the end of "fights" is needed. Do you intend for the children to be picking AT their blackberry (the phone?) rather than pick A blackberry, it would make the allusion stand out more.
I love this line: "...the only birds seen are angry."
Twenty Ten Four (a reference to Orwell's Nineteen Eighty Four?) is a clever title. I hope that you found my cursory critique satisfactory and/or somewhat helpful! I love your literature and I was glad to pick at this poem!
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I never object to cursory critiques, especially when you've hit some good points so I really appreciate it
The "pumping" in both refers to songs both artists have had as well as the sound/movement- does that make sense?
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Thank you very much. I understand the "pumping" reference now that you point it out. I just found the repetition to be slightly distracting when I read it originally.
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This is a good poem for one who has not poem'ed for a while! 
I like it. I really do. To me, this is a really good slam poem with a few parts to iron out and I am more than positive the wonderful people here will be able to more than help you with that. 
The whole concept, the references, the modern day apocalyptic email system -- all of it. I connect to this. Thank you. 
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Thank you for your lovely- reassuring- comments! I know it needs ironing, I just need a focused session to really obliterate it, I didn't intend it to be a slam poem so now we've established that it needs molding more appropriately.
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My pleasure, as always.
Once you do. . . please let me know. I would love to read the edits.
Oh, and that;s fine. I was just letting you know I personally think it could be a good.
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I'll read it a few more times, and then I'll critique it when I read it again tomorrow.
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Much appreciated, this certainly needs some ironing but I kind of need a nudge!
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i'm sorry i haven't done it yet; i've had a busy weekend. tomorrow, definitely.
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Haha no worries, I always take my time but get there eventually!
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Haha, you're better than I am. Sometimes I never get there.
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Excellent. I also especially like the blackberry metaphor. And I wholeheartedly agree--especially about the emails blaming one another. An excellent portrayal of what all this has done to us.
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Interesting another person says below they're not keen on the blackberry reference. The email part is a personal bugbear of mine!
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well it flows nicely
(sorry couldn't resist)
sad truth, uh ?
i particularly like "the only birds seen are angry." and "with tired eyes drunk by thumb movements. "
i like this less:
"Children pick
a blackberry instead of
picking blackberries"
i find that one, rather easy, even if it does flow well ( not beeing cheeky
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Haha I knew the flow thing would bite me when I posted! I was thinking it does sound a little slam-ish and that might help refine it for me! Thank you
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i'll fav it now, anticipating that all
edits will be good ones...
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