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bitebo β Colors
Published: 2013-08-27 10:37:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 815; Favourites: 80; Downloads: 0
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Description
Colours, it's all about them.The reds,blues and yellows,
Happiness,warmth,Brightness,
A world in color is a wonder of a world,
But my color has faded,
No more reds,blues or yellows,
Grays and blacks is all I see,
Sadness,cold,darkness,
My wonder world is gone,
Replaced by doom and gloom,
Colors its all about colors,
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Comments: 19
I apologise if my critique sounds harsh. But before you hate me, please read my critique first. Well, I'll try my best to make it as constructive as I could...
Spelling: I'm wondering why you switch between the British spelling and the American spelling. "Colour" and "grey"is the British spelling, whereas "color" and "gray" is the American spelling. You'll either stick to one or another. It won't make sense to switch between "colour" and "color".
Grammar: I suggest you learn what a "run on sentence" is. It'll save you from bad grammar. To save time for you, I've searched it up on google:
Incorrect: The boy showed us his tickets someone gave them to him.
Correct: The boy showed us his tickets. Someone gave them to him.
Source: englishplus.com/grammar/000000β¦
By the way, sentences ends in a full stop. Commas are only used to break up long sentences and to create short pauses. I suggest you should learn more about them.
In addition, you'll also need to learn about where and when to use spaces. You'll need a space after each comma. Here's an example:
Incorrect: Sadness,cold,darkness
Correct: Sadness, cold, darkness
Plus, capital letters aren't used in the middle of sentences. They are only used at the beginning of sentences, or a name.
Okay, I think we can step away from spelling and grammar for now.
Common Sense: Well, I should really rename it "sense" since sense isn't common any more. Well, it doesn't really matter for the moment. Your poem doesn't make any logical sense. Technically, grey and black are both colours. So that contradicts with "But my color has faded".
Impact: I gave the impact a 2.5 stars out of 5. This is mainly because I think this poem isn't as well thought out as it could be. It could be just me but I prefer well thought out poems with a good concealed meaning using metaphors and similes. The content in this poem is too straightforward and you can't actually relate it to anything else. The impact on other people can vary due to their opinions. But this is my opinion. Feel free to rate this critique an "unfair". I don't care. I just want to express what I think and give constructive criticism.
Vision: I decided to rate this a 3 stars out of 5. I understand what message you are trying to portray through this poem, but I feel as if you aren't putting enough imagery into it. Try relating it to more feelings or other objects as similes or metaphors.
Originality: I've decided to give the originality a 2.5 stars out of 5. It's not very original because I've seen a load of other poems with this theme and idea.
Technique: I had to give this a 1.5 star out of 5. This is mainly for the misuse of basic English grammar and spelling. But for others, re-read this critique again, I'd hate to repeat myself. But I gave a star for the attempt to create the vision and impact.
One last time: I and truly sorry if my critique is too harsh. You're free to dislike this critique.
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For me this was a hard read. The punctuation and just general lack of grammar immediately put a real mark against the work. To then get to the actual meat of the piece of which there is not a lot of, it is very bare and basic. The imagery lacks depth and a constant feeling of deja vu rides over you. Simplicity is fine but there still needs to be some force behind it. Originality also is nowhere to be seen here at all I am afraid, which is never good.
I read the description and see that it was written whilst you were inebriated. However I will say keep at it, write when sober and keep your passion level up. I can see that this came from a certain well intentioned, innocent and spur of the moment place. It just doesn't stand up for me to come back for repeat reads.
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I really like this poem. You portray to the reader that colors are.. magnificent little things that can't be described. Because really, how do you describe a person? It's intangible, something you can't grab hold of. And certain colors do invoke certain moods, which is why I absolutely love how you've incorporated that. I love how you portray the colors as a bit of a 'lifeline' here, which is really quite original.
One thing I'd like to say is that not all colors are considered 'happy'. Some people see colors in different ways - red can invoke anger, green a feeling of wealth, etc. So while the colors are like a lifeline, you haven't just lost your happiness - you've lost everything. Anger, pity, sympathy, etc.
One thing I dislike strongly is the grammar. While poems are up to the author to distinguish whether or not they'd like to break the traditional grammar rules, this is just... it's an eyesore.
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There are some grammar mistakes. (You need spaces after a comma and the last line needs some punctuation between the words: color and it's)
I really liked the meaning of the poem. I sometimes feel like that also. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/f/f⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
The poem is pretty short; sometimes that works well, sometimes it doesn't work but in this case I think that the poem is fine being short.
But overall, I really like the poem. It has a strong meaning and you conveyed it really well using words.
Next time, you should edit the poem for grammar before posting, but you should keep writing.
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Hello there~! Β 
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The first thing I notice, is Punctuation.
It should be:
Colours, it's all about them.
Not
Colours its all about them.
Difference: The comma (,) Puts a pause between colours and the rest of the sentence, and the 'It's' you need the ' for it to be 'It Is'
(Just a grammar Nazi don't mind me)
Anyway, I understand it completely, mostly because, this is how I am. I used to be so full of colour and life, now I'm just a big ball of black, that no one wants to be around. Without colour, life does get pretty boring...
I absolutely love this, even though it is short, it tells a story. Well done.
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Thanks for your time! Β 
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It's a beautiful poem, i love it e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
reds,blues or yellows,Grays and blacks is all I see,Sadness,cold,darkness..."
And, you make a good job, i added this to my +favs.
Good luck, and keep writing, I'll read it! I hope you understand what I write ... haha
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Hi! Β 
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This a very nice piece of writing, sir! The beginning has a bright, cheery feel, but by the time you reach the end, it has become gloomy and dark, an excellent and beautiful change of moods. The only thing I will point out, being the fanatical grammar Nazi I am, is that there are a few comma and capitalization errors in the piece. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I will now go to check out the rest of your gallery to see if you have any more! ^^
Let's see, I need more words...
FUS RO DAH! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
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Thanks for your time! Β
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me encanta este poema se ve q lo escribiste con el corazon en la mano....te tomaste mucho tiempo en hacerlo verdad yo nunca e hecho un poema creada x mi misma siempre me ah gustado otras cosas pero de verdad q yo admiro a las personas q hacen estas cosas xq se debe tomar mucho tiempo pensando y yo quisiera saber cual es tu fuente d inspiracion se q no entiendes el espaΓ±ol pero espero q me respondas la verdad yo tampoco entiendo mucho el ingles pero lo traduci con el traductor de google espero y t hy ayudado besos
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Thanks for your time! Β
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This poem is perfect! I mean who would ever make a poem about colors that beautiful? I mean I can feel the happiness in the first stanza but then, I felt the sadness on the second stanza. Its just like the world around us is a beautiful palette and the colors depends on how we see it.
I hope you do make more poems about this. It's very meaningful, beautiful and the grammar is just perfect! The simple words actually bring a striking impression on the reader.
I know you'll get somewhere one day. And that somewhere is up! Good luck buddy and keep it up!
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Hello there~! Β 
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I really like it. The colours in your poem sound like a replacement for different moods. Very interesting imagery
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