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It was late night, in fact the night was so late, it was rapidly becoming early morning. 2 women were making their way along the main road to Konoha, their progress slowed somewhat by the roughhousing taking place. Should someone lacking a decent sense of self-preservation decide to get closer, they would have heard the two arguing, with the kind of chronic wrangle that could (and had) go on for hours and continue to go on for several hours more. “I don’t see why you had to give half the reward money for that mission back! We did the job, we should get paid for it!” The speaker was a purple haired woman, her hair arranged in a pineapple do at the back of her head. Her tan trenchcoat shifted in a slight breeze as she tried to pry herself out of the headlock the older redheaded woman had her in. “We had to give half the money back because you decided to get drunk and start that fight in the bar! It was either paying for the damages or you winding up in jail! And don’t think I don’t know it was you that stabbed that guy with a dango skewer!” “He asked for it, perving over me like that. Some men are all alike, show a bit of skin and as far as they’re concerned you might as well be a prostitute. And raising all kinds of hell if you tell ‘em to screw off.” “He was the mayor’s son Anko.” “So? Still didn’t give him the right to try and drag me off when I turned him down. ‘Sides, I only stabbed his hand. You’re the one who use that “Nutcracker” move.” “Shouldn’t have called me an old bag.”

Finally arriving at Konoha’s gate the ladies realised something was wrong; Izumo and Kotetsu should have been on gate duty and requested their ID and mission details before letting them in, this time the gates were unguarded. Training took over, their quarrel forgotten the ladies palmed a kunai and started to check the area. “Hey...you hear that?” Kushina cocked an eyebrow at Anko’s remark before hearing a low droning murmur coming from the gatehouse. Sneaking over they stowed the kunai away, Kushina’s hand drifting to the katana handle over her right shoulder as Anko’s coat sleeves rustled, a soft hissing emenating from them. A silent nod and the kunoichi barrelled through the doorway before stopping at the sight before them. Izumo and Kotetsu were sitting at the small folding table having a game of Poker, staring at their cards with the furious concentration of people determined to ignore the world around them, which in this case included a couple of chunins on the floor near the guardhouse wall. One of them appeared to be unconscious, his body covered with scratches. The other was lying on his side with his knees drawn up under his chin and his eyes screwed shut, muttering over and over “If I don’t see it, it isn’t real...if I don’t see it it isn’t there...”

“What the hell is this!?” Kushina exclaimed when she finally got her voice back.
Not getting any answers, she decided to use one of her patented intelligence gathering methods; she marched up to the poker playing duo, grabbed them both by the front of their shirts, dragged them out of their chairs and introduced them to the wall. “Start talking!” she commanded, her tone of voice promising a lot of pain if her order wasn’t carried out. Izumo and Kotetsu struggled a bit, apparently unwilling to say anything at first, but eventually gave up. “The village has gone mad,” Kotetsu started, “Nowhere is safe...” Izumo carried on, eyes darting left and right. “Can’t let your guard down for a minute...” “The wedgies...the wedgies...!” Kushina listened with mounting frustration until her notoriously short fuse had completely burned down. “Make sense dammit!” She shouted point blank into their faces. The Eternal Chunins developed a thousand yard stare. “The green faced girl...” “The one from before...” “Yes...?” Kushina drawled out. “She multiplied...” The two spoke in a traumatised monotonous unison. Kushina dropped them in shock, failing to notice Anko’s own look of shock segueing into gleeful anticipation. “I’ll...err...I’ll...just...go and...check the...the...thethingywiththewhatsitbye!” Anko dashed out of the tent before Kshina could stop her, a big grin on her face. As one of the few people in the village that had voluntarity and enjoyed wearing the mask, this was too good an opportunity to pass up; all she had to do was find one of those green faced females and then, Option A: shake them down for info on where they got their own mask, or, Option B: relieve them of said item and keep it...as evidence for what had happened of course! .

Now, where to start...she didn’t get much further than that before something collided with her head and leapt off, knocking her over. Shaking off the disorientation from her fall, Anko rolled over and managed to catch a glimpse of a tail and hindquarters as the animal that had jumped onto and off her head dashed round a corner. “There it goes! Grab it!” Came a yell as a trio of adolescent figures charged up and collided with Anko sending her into the dirt once again. The breath was knocked from Anko’s lungs as something landed on her, quickly followed by 2 other somethings. “Owww...what happened?” an adolescent girls voice groaned. “We hit something...dunno what...” a second male voice replied. “Udon, you alright?” “Mgfff...yfgh...mmbl...” came the muffled reply. “What? Speak up...” the male voice began before everybody got their bearings and realised what was happening. Everyone has had a moment in their lives when they have run into someone and as soon as it becomes apparent who that someone is, the first thing the first person thinks is “Oh crap...” with a massive sweatdrop. Team Ebisu was experiencing this moment right now having finally realised they had run into and knocked over Konoha’s Snake Mistress and one of its best interrogators. Any burgeoning terror at the prospect of Anko’s retribution was compounded by Konohamaru and Moegi’s realisation that the still groggy Udon’s face was firmly planted in Anko’s chest. Fight or flight finally kicked in and the two turned to flee...and fell flat on their faces, courtesy of the snakes wrapped round their legs. “Now then,” Anko remarked conversationally, her tone sweet as arsnic, “care to tell little ol’ me what you’re doing? And why I’ve got a genin stuck in my chest?” Slowly turning, Konohamaru and Moegi looked at Anko, her cheerful smile offset by the flames dancing in her pupils. “It’s Tora...” Moegi began, “We spotted her earlier so we’re trying to catch her.” “This late at night?” Anko narrowed her eyes disbelievingly. “Well...she had something in her mouth, we think she stole it from someone. We’re trying to get it back we can return it. There might be a reward.” Udon replied, having finally managed to get himself unstuck. “Something in her mouth you say? What was it?” Anko’s tone still sounded like she didn’t believe them. “It looked like an old wooden antique mask,” Moegi began before Anko interrupted her, eyes filled with sparkles and a happy grin on her face.

“Well now,” the snakes retracted back into Anko’s coat sleeves as she slung an arm round Moegi and Udon’s shoulders, her tone suddenly all chummy, “Retrieving stolen property eh? Doing your duty as honest trustworthy ninja? All right, I’m coming with you.” “There’s no need...” Konohamaru began before quailing at the sight of Anko’s glare. “I’m. Coming. With. You.” She spoke clearly and calmly with the promise of dreadful retribution if crossed. “Right!” Konohamaru squeaked out in fear.

The first few minutes of their Tora tracking were largely uneventful barring various long distance sound effects from other parts of the village such as fog-horns, whizzing noises, jangling cowbells, sharp retorts that, had they been around in that day and age, would have been recognised as gun shots, a lengthly series of sound effects comprising of running feet, the smashing of a window and the gunned engine of a car racing into the distance followed by several whistles and at one point what sounded like an opera soprano singing an aria backwards. Then things started getting weird. A mammoth pair of spectacles slid across the road ahead of them, an equally massive pair of eyes behind them winking and saying “I can see you,” in a teasing tone of voice. A few steps further on, the ground suddenly became as springy as a trampoline sending them all in every direction before they knew what was happening. “This is getting ridiculous,” Konohamaru muttered trying to get back on his feet before the sound of another person singing caught his attention. Coming down the pathway on the back of a dummy horse on wheels, that was moving by itself, was a green faced woman dressed like a cowboy, strumming a guitar and singing...in a broad Cockney accent; “Oh, its the sayme the ‘ole world ovahh...its the poor wot gets the blayme...while the rich gets all the grayvay...oh ain’t it a blinkin’ shayme...”

Anko’s eyes lit up seeing her, a chance to get a hold of one of those masks was in her grasp! Palming a kunai she stepped into the model horse’s path, a twisted grin on her face. “Hey you! Let’s play!” 4 seconds later the woman had shrunken down to the size of a 3 year old child, dressed herself in a set of dungaree shorts with a cap with a propeller on top and had her green face only a few centimetres away from Anko’s shocked one, the propeller on her cap spinning furiously levitating her up to Anko’s eye height. “Play!? Oh goody, I love playing!” She squealed in a kiddie style voice, “What shal we play nee-san!? Twister?” Anko found herself on the floor in a rather compromising position, the girl’s arms and legs stretched out to extreme proportions and wrapped around her own rather like a particular brand of hentai. “Cluedo? It was Miss Scarlet in the Library with the lead pipe!” Anko looked up and dived to one side as a heap of lead piping materialised out of nowhere and landed with an earsplitting clanging noise right where she’d been lying. How about House?” Before Anko could protest she was picked up and spun round in a confusing welter of colours and a dizzying sensation. Ending as abruptly as it had started Anko looked round, spotting she was now in the Home Ec section of the Academy. The woman was zipping round several benches at once at a speed that made it look as though she was using clones, cutting, beating, scraping and slicing ingredients and mixing them at a crazy rate before putting the mixing bowl into a nearby oven. “Sorry kiddo,” Anko grinned again, making her way towards the woman, “I play rough!” “Well, all the more reason to have something in your stomach right?” The woman gave a disarming grin and reached behind her to open the oven. With a sound like a splodgy explosion the oven burst apart to reveal a large gelatinous blob several feet across. “Eat up,” the woman giggled before the blob began rolling of its own accord towards Anko, a large fang filled mouth tearing open on its front and a pair of small eyes glaring at her. Given the circumstances, Anko did what was natural. Giving vent to a bloodcurdling scream, she turned and fled.

Shikamaru came awake with a start, something quite unusual for him under normal circumstances. These circumstances, however, were not normal. Something was wrong, he could feel it and it was this feeling that had woken him. Taking care to moderate his breathing to make it seem he was still asleep and give himself time to think he rolled over and cracked an eye open. The sight that met that eye would haunt him for the rest of his life; frying pans, frying pans of all shapes and sizes hanging from wires fastened to the ceiling like hooked chains hanging from a torture chamber. Shikamaru’s dislike for frying pans was well founded as it was the favourite implement of his mother during one of her (in)famous losses of temper. She had a good aim combined with a strong arm capable of delivering strikes that would make Venus Williams envious. She was not afraid to use them on family members either and Shikamaru and his father had come to view frying pans in much the same way they viewed kunai and swords, i.e., lethal weapons.

A giggle drew his attention away from the implements of horror hanging above him, though the source of the giggle did not improve his feelings. Standing in the doorway, one hand on the doorframe and legs crossed at the ankles was a female figure, dusty blonde hair done up in 4 pigtails. A well built full figure draped in a red satin dressing gown that stopped mid thigh and open at the front enough to show a generous portion of chest, though Shikamaru was more preoccupied with the figure’s viridian green face. Dark eyes sparkled with mischief as a royal purple lipped mouth stretched in a teasing smile. “It’s your pretty emerald suna kunoichi,” she purred before literally leaping out of the dressing gown and soaring towards the shocked ninja on the other side of the room.

For the rest of the night, Shikamaru didn’t sleep.

“This way!” “You see it!?” “Over there!” “No, over here!” Tora was proving as difficult to capture as ever for Team Ebisu, her speed, dodging and escape artistry that had made her the number one hated pet in Konoha, unhampered by her current cargo. She was making full use of them as well, any obstacle she could dart round, she did, any gap or hole she and her cargo could squeeze through, she did, not limited to the pavements she ran up walls, leapt across roofs and occasionally made use of unsuspecting peoples heads, dashing away before said victim recovered their wits enough to grab her. Team Ebisu followed as best they could, fighting down the commonly held desire of most of Konoha; to give up the idea of capturing her alive and possibly turn in a tidy profit by “accidentally (hem-hem)” killing her and turning what was left over to one of the workshops so Tora would eventually see the light of day again as a couple of fashion accessories.

“Over there, down that alley!” Having to dodge round several pedestrians whose sole purpose appeared to be to pop out of nowhere and hamper the protagonists’ progress was no easy feat considering the sheer number that suddenly seemed to fill the main street, but for someone who looked up to Konoha’s Numberone Hyperactive Knucklehead, there would always be a way; something that Konohamaru displayed by taking a flying leap off a nearby cart and making the rest of the way across and down the street by using various pedestrian heads as stepping stones, engendering numerous pained cries as well as curses, threats and promises of retribution. Team Ebisu pushed it all to the back of their minds; that could come later, this was now. Konohamaru couldn’t hold back a grin as they approached the alley. “Time to teach that cat a...whoah!” Team Ebisu stopped dead in their tracks as a bright green burst of light flashed from the alleyway accompanied by a yowl and a loud windy rushing noise. “What was that?” Moegi asked in a shocked whisper. “I don’t know. Konohamaru?” Udon replied. Konohamaru paused, trying to decide what to do; that burst of light could have been some kind of trap for Tora set up by someone else, especially judging by the yowl that had accompanied the light, but something seemed wrong somehow. Deciding for once to play it safe he created a shadow clone and sent it into the alley. 15 seconds later he collapsed onto his rear, pale faced. “What is it?” Moegi asked concernedly, seeing the look of shock on his face. “My clone...something attacked it...went for its throat,” “What?” Udon looked rather skeptical and crept to the alleyway entrance, peeking round the corner he didn’t have time to utter a sound before he was yanked clean off his feet and out of sight.

“Udon!?” Moegi didn’t get much further before she was cut off by a growl...the kind that travels right up your spinal cord and lodges in the portion of your hindbrain that remembers the time humans were just another sort of unevolved monkey, easy prey for anything bigger than them. On unspoken agreement the remaining members of Team Ebisu began to back away, their faces paling as Udon emerged from the alleyway, carried by the scruff of his neck by a seven foot tall green headed sabre toothed tiger that somehow managed to convey the jaunty happiness of a house pet with its favourite toy. There were no words. Team Ebisu decided to save their breath for running.

????
He ran. He had to. To stop would mean hell. He had managed to escape through sheer fortune but his captor(s) were too quick to catch on, too quick to follow. He tried every trick he knew, every trick his mentor had taught him, but it seemed to be no use. The hunting horns were sounding and they seemed to be getting closer every time. He ran.

Meanwhile, back with Anko and the Killer Dango
Anko was a seasoned Tokubetsu Jonin who had seen a lot of the worst the shinobi world had to offer during her time in the T&I department under Ibiki Morino. Put simply, it took a lot to scare her. Her new Mom’s temper was one thing and she had now discovered another; a giant living Dango that wanted to eat her, the same way she had porked down all those dango before in her life. It was like one of those nightmares where you’re being pursued by a monster that seems to know what you are thinking and can find you no matter where you hide and cut ahead of you to ambush you when you think you’ve got away. She was currently crouched in one of the smaller classrooms under one of the partitioned desks trying to keep her panicked breathing under control and come up with an idea to stop the monster that was chasing her. She was also trying to rationalise just how and why she was so scared, after all she’d been through, she shouldn’t be so scared of something like this surely? It was just a Dango after all...giant...living...scary...but still, just Dango...Her eyes lit up, her breathing slowed and a familiar smirk crept across her face.

When a comically wheezing Mask finally caught up to the mayhem her cooking had caused, she was greeted by the sight of Anko...somewhat more rotund than normal...waddling out of the classroom at a remarkably sedate pace, with a spaced out dreamy expression on her face. “How’s the Dango?” The Mask asked in a confused tone. “*Uuurrp* Delicious,” Anko replied before waddling off humming contentedly.

Another meanwhile with Shikamaru
Much like with Anko, Shikamaru was trying to decide whether he was awake or having a nightmare. This crazy green faced woman had been pursuing him throughout his house, always seeming to know where he was and how to get ahead of him. Not only that, she would pop up in the most outlandish places.

*Flashback*
“It’s your pretty emerald Suna kunoichi,” the green faced girl purred before literally leaping out of her red satin dressing gown and soaring towards the shocked Shikamaru. For once, the oddity and surrealness of the situation took hold and Shikamaru’s brain failed him; not able to come up with a single idea or plan. Finally his body, coming to the conclusion his brain couldn’ help, decided to take action of its own and threw him into a forward roll. The Mask passed over him and struck the wall face first with a humerous crashing noise, compressing down into a one foot diameter disk that peeled itself off the wall and fell onto the floor, rolling to a stop with the of a dropped cymbal. By the time she had sprung herself back into shape and shaken the grogginess away, Skikamaru...in a remarkable (for him) dispay of athleticism...had escaped. The Mask gave a dirty chuckle, shaking her head in an affectionate way. “Oh, that man. Thinks he can escape from me. Guess he hasn’t grown that backbone from last time. still, that’s why I love him,” Let it be known, that even before she was masked, Temari possessed a strong willed personality, the end result of living most of her life with a psychopathic younger brother.

Presumably due to his panic, Shikamaru’s first attempt at dealing with the green faced girl that had invaded his house was to hide in a closet to give himself time to calm down and think. Sadly he was not given this time. 10 seconds after closing the door, he stiffened in shocked dread as a pair of sinuous arms reached round from behind him and encircled his upper half. “Oooh, this is cozy,” a breathy voice whispered in his ear. Before an unseen mouth began to nibble on it. It took every ounce of willpower for Shikamaru to turn his head to see a pair of brightly glowing neon sign like hearts floating in the air at eye level before his body took over again launching him backwards through the door and down the corridor again. Charging down to the living room Shikamaru reached for the door handle before pausing, half wondering whether the Mask was waiting on the other side. Deciding it was impossible for her to have got there before him, he opened the door and crept through. No-one was there. He relaxed. A pair of hands grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him off his feet into a whirling vertigo inducing spin. When he finally regained his footing the first thing he noticed was how much warmer it was, hot enough to almost make him sweat. The second thing he noticed was a feeling of heaviness. Looking down provided an explanation for both; he’d been dressed in an outfit composed of bright red thick heavy material and heavy black boots that felt as though it was designed for Arctic exploration. An exploration of his face revealed a white false beard had been attached and a floppy conical hat had been jammed onto his head. A flirtatious giggle from behind him jolted him into the air before jerking round to see the Mask in a tan brown furry bikini and paw design boots and gloves, a set of fake antlers on her head. “Hey Santa, she purred lascviciously, “Wanna ride your reindeer?”

*Flashforward*
The next few hours were a welter of half remembered and blurred (due to the speed he was running) images as he once again attempted to escape from the crazed green faced girl only to find her at almost every spot he tried to escape to; charging up to the attic revealed the place done up like a love hotel with the Mask posing on the bed in some saucy lingerie, swishing a glass of alcohol in one hand. A mad dash down to the cellar revealed an S&M dungeon style set up with the mask in full dominatrix gear narrowly missing him with the bullwhip she cracked through the air. The kitchen revealed the Mask in the “naked-under-apron” outfit stirring something suspicious in a large, almost cauldron sized pot. He hoped it was his imagination that he thought he saw an antler in the mix. “Dinner will be ready soon Honey, be patient!” She gave a saucy wink. Yet another mad dash later and Shikamaru found himself in the bathroom. He didn’t dare calm down; he knew he wouldn’t be safe for long. Sure enough, a senbon pricked him in the butt drawing a short yelp and a drop of blood. He couldn’t see where the senbon came from until he remembered he was dealing with a ninja. They didn’t just use floors. He looked up. The Mask was standing upside down on the ceiling, eyes twinkling merrily and a big grin on her face. Her new outfit was the most unusual; a skintight black bodysuit with white calf length stiletto heeled boots and white opera gloves and a metallic pink heart shaped breastplate. “What now?” Muttered Shikamaru in an irked tone. The Mask flipped herself down to the floor and sashayed over. “I’m a jewel thief Hon,” She said, “And I’m after your Family Jewels.” Shikamaru was nonplussed at this, after all he knew that his family didn’t have any treasure like that around. He got what the Mask was talking about when she reached forward, grabbed him by the groin and gave a light squeeze. “Oh yeah, these’ll bring a pretty penny,” she chuckled. With a considerable sense of self preservation and considerable absence of body, Shikamaru somersaulted himself backwards out of the bathroom window and sped away at a healthy fraction of the speed of fear. The Mask leant out of the window and watched. “Playing hard to get eh? It’ll make catching him more enjoyable. Hmmm, I think I’ll give him 10 seconds.” She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a cuckoo clock with a tick like someone hitting a saucepan with a wooden spoon. 10 seconds later the clock face dropped forwards and a duck head sprang out accompanied by a humerous quacking noise, like someone blowing into a duck lure. “Off we go!” The Mask gleefully announced, swinging her legs over the sill and gliding off on a set of unfurling bat wings.

Yoshino Nara; Shikamaru’s mother, was not the only mother with a legendary temper in Konoha. Currently another mothers fiery temper was on the slow boil. When she got hold of Anko, Kushina decided, she’d better hope she was wearing the mask because she was going to need it to survive; she was going to get a right ding round the earhole, dashing off like that to try and grab one of those masks leaving her to deal with those 2 idiots, the nerve! She was so angry she almost didn’t see the body flying towards her until it was too late, thankfully a rapid backflip managed to avoid a regrettable collision and a full length dive to the side allowed her to avod the storm of kunai. Rolling to her feet and looking around for the soon to be dead idiot who’d tried to attack her, her gaze fell on the latest piece of artwork to grace a nearby wall; a somewhat disreputable man spread-eagled on the wall, actually driven an inch or so into the brickwork and surrounded by the aforementioned hail of kunai, so many he looked like a finished join-the-dots puzzle.

Any thoughts as to what had happened were quickly squashed; the sheer over the top approach to dealing with this guy...almost certainly a pervert that had been caught...it was clear the person who’d done this was wearing a Mask. The lack of snake bites suggested it wasn’t Anko (lucky for Anko) so who...? Some off key singing started to provide the answer and the appearance of the singers in the grey light of the rapidly lightening morning sky finished the conclusion; 3 green faced women, one busty blonde, a blackette and a pinkette, all dressed like 1970’s gogo girls and all surrounded by an almost visible alcohol haze, a pinkish/red bar across their noses and cheeks indicating extreme alcohol consumption. “An’ ssho per’sshhhh aw emenenmen...foes of wimminkind!” the pink hair one slurred before taking a wobbly look at Kushina. “Oooh? Maggggic walking tomaaatoooo?” She grinned and reached into a pocket and pulled out a large salt shaker. “Imma eat it!”

Shikamaru huffed as he dashed round a corner, hearing the light musical laughter of the Mask as she kept up her aerial search. He’d gained his freedom from that lunatic, he wasn’t about to give it up, no sir! “You’re my tomato, there’s no use in arguing!” “Get-Off-Me! And who are you calling a tomato Pinkie!?” With a muttered “Troublesome” Shikamaru crept along the street to another junction and looked round the corner to see Kushina Uzumaki on the floor trying to fight off a pink haired green faced girl who was liberally sprinkling her with salt and doing her level best to take a bite out of Kushina’s head. Off to the side was a busty green faced blonde and a green faced blackette, both of them howling with laughter to the point that they were leaning against one another to stay up.

“GANGWAY!!” Everyone stopped at this yell to see Naruto barrel round the corner and nearly crash into the two women. Any indignation at this swiftly disappeared into revnewed gales of laughter at the sight; Naruto had been stuffed into a fox-style onesie, several plushie tails stapled to the back and a very cutesy cartoonish looking fox face on the hood. He looked furious. He also looked very silly. Even Shikamaru was finding it difficult to contain his chuckles, vaguely noting the thump behind him as the Mask fell out of the sky absolutely roaring with laughter and continued to roll on the floor clutching her stomach. Despite the questions everyone wanted to ask, they just couldn’t calm themselves down enough to ask before a fresh bout of laughter started up again, so it was lucky that their questions would soon be answered by an outside source. Naruto stiffened and went pale at the sound of a hunting horn, turning even paler as a familiar voice called out “Tally-Hooooo!” Round the corner came Hina followed by a horde of shadow clones, dressed in the traditional red coat and hard hat outfit of an English Fox Hunt, around their waists were pantomime horses (the kind where your own legs are the horse legs and fake legs dangle off the side of the “horse”). “There’s the fox! Onward!” Lifting the hunting horn the real Hina played a swing Jazzy trumpet solo then the horde charged ful pelt towards the object of their affections, who in turn backpedalled before turning to flee, tripping over one of the fake tails and falling full length on the pile that was his mother and Mask Sakura.

That, sadly, was quite possibly the worst thing that could have happened; upon getting his brain back up to speed from the jolt caused by the fall Naruto’s first thought was why everything had gone so dark. His second thought was just what were the squishy things he was holding onto. A burst of almost chaotic killing intent slammed down with a similar effect to standing underneath a waterfall, prompting a nasty suspicion followed by a very fervent prayer that he was wrong. Finally managing to raise his head, his prayer was unanswered; his hands were indeed on Mask Sakura’s chest and his face was indeed in her crotch. Mask Sakura herself was looking down at Naruto with a shocked expression that rapidly changed to a scowl. Her face began to change colour from lime green to bright glowing scarlet accompanied by a rising whistle; like a tea kettle coming to the boil. “NA-RU-TOOOOOO!!!!” She roared, her head shapeshifting into a demonic horned and fanged appearance, suddenly three times bigger than normal.

Not many people were up and about this early in the morning and those that were seemed to almost have been immunised to the craziness of the previous night through desensitization; they’d had to put up with so much weirdness they were no longer affected, so when Naruto ran full pelt through the streets, into the main square and out along another alleyway, no-one batted an eyelid. Weirdness aside, they were not big fans of blunt force trauma, so when a large chariot, pulled by 4 horses, liberally bedecked with blades and driven by a furious looking green faced woman in Celtic battle dress plus horned helmet and wielding a full sized spear thundered after Naruto everyone flung themselves headlong out of the way to avoid getting skewered or run over.

The survival instinct can be a pretty powerful thing and can prompt people into doing things they would never normally consider doing, in the name of staying alive to see the next sunrise. Naruto already had a fear of Sakura’s punches from a lietime of being exposed to them and had developed a strong fear based hatred of the Mask and the effects it had upon its wearer. These factors, plus a strong desire to prevent several feet of razor metal tipped wood from piercing various parts of him, prompted the creation of a shadow clone, as Naruto held his hand out and began to gather chakra in his palm, the clone began to rotate the chakra causing the bright blue ball of a standard rasengan to form before grabbing Naruto’s arm and spinning on his heel, flinging Naruto back the way he had come. There was just enough time for Mask Sakura’s expression to change before the rasengan impacted right on her face. A brilliant flare of blue/white and emerald light filled the street combined with an electrical crackling noise and a rubbery squeaking noise ending in a kettledrum boom of thunder as a bright green spark blasted into the sky and jetted away like a reverse comet. A wave of buzzing green energy spread out from the epicentre of the light show, covering the whole of Konoha. Wherever it went, effects were felt, especially by people who had green faces; the moment the wave passed over them, they began to jerk and spazz as though they were having a fit, green lightning bolts crawling over their faces before there was a noise (the noise made by dispelling a henge or shadow clone) and a puff of smoke. Out of the smoke would then fall the person in a dead faint, their face back to normal. Ino “woke up” in her apartment with a 5 star headache, trying to work out what had happened and why there seemed to be several new outfits she was sure she hadn’t bought in her room. Clambering to her feet after several false starts, she made her way to a cupboard, opened it and let out a shriek as she was half buried under an avalanche of bank notes and coins. Tsunade and Shizune “woke up” with hangovers of their own, wondering why they were on the floor in the middle of the street. Hinata was found in a dead faint a little further on, head glowing an atomic beet red, spirals in her eyes and clouds of steam billowing from her ears. Kushina clambered back to her feet, promising a severe talk with Anko when she finally caught her. Shikamaru had found himself held at an angle of 45 degrees by the Mask who was making “kissy faces” at him when the green wave rolled over them; a brief spazzout and a sound effect later he was on the floor again trying to support the spark out form of Sabaku no Temari and trying to work out how to protect himself from the inevitable attack when she came to and found them both on the floor with her still in her night attire. “Troublesome,” He sighed.

A few hours later
Izumo and Kotetsu waved off the stretcher bearers as theybegan the long trek back to the hospital, the still traumatised chuunin on the stretchers between them. They had been examined and declared fit enough to remain on duty by the medics, but they still intended to visit the Yamanakas for either a memory wipe or several sessions of therapy, whichever brought about the quickest results. At least now the night was over and everything was back to normal...

“Hey...” Kotetsu’s face was chalk pale, “You hear that?” Izumo wasn’t doing much better; he had indeed heard the rapidly approaching and horribly familiar whooshing noise. “Sound the...” He got no further before he found himself at an angle of forty five degrees, looking up he found himself staring into a bright green face topped by a mane of copper-red hair.

“Oooh, what a hunk of a man! MARRY ME!!!”

Description
It was late night, in fact the night was so late, it was rapidly becoming early morning. 2 women were making their way along the main road to Konoha, their progress slowed somewhat by the roughhousing taking place. Should someone lacking a decent sense of self-preservation decide to get closer, they would have heard the two arguing, with the kind of chronic wrangle that could (and had) go on for hours and continue to go on for several hours more. “I don’t see why you had to give half the reward money for that mission back! We did the job, we should get paid for it!” The speaker was a purple haired woman, her hair arranged in a pineapple do at the back of her head. Her tan trenchcoat shifted in a slight breeze as she tried to pry herself out of the headlock the older redheaded woman had her in. “We had to give half the money back because you decided to get drunk and start that fight in the bar! It was either paying for the damages or you winding up in jail! And don’t think I don’t know it was you that stabbed that guy with a dango skewer!” “He asked for it, perving over me like that. Some men are all alike, show a bit of skin and as far as they’re concerned you might as well be a prostitute. And raising all kinds of hell if you tell ‘em to screw off.” “He was the mayor’s son Anko.” “So? Still didn’t give him the right to try and drag me off when I turned him down. ‘Sides, I only stabbed his hand. You’re the one who use that “Nutcracker” move.” “Shouldn’t have called me an old bag.”

Finally arriving at Konoha’s gate the ladies realised something was wrong; Izumo and Kotetsu should have been on gate duty and requested their ID and mission details before letting them in, this time the gates were unguarded. Training took over, their quarrel forgotten the ladies palmed a kunai and started to check the area. “Hey...you hear that?” Kushina cocked an eyebrow at Anko’s remark before hearing a low droning murmur coming from the gatehouse. Sneaking over they stowed the kunai away, Kushina’s hand drifting to the katana handle over her right shoulder as Anko’s coat sleeves rustled, a soft hissing emenating from them. A silent nod and the kunoichi barrelled through the doorway before stopping at the sight before them. Izumo and Kotetsu were sitting at the small folding table having a game of Poker, staring at their cards with the furious concentration of people determined to ignore the world around them, which in this case included a couple of chunins on the floor near the guardhouse wall. One of them appeared to be unconscious, his body covered with scratches. The other was lying on his side with his knees drawn up under his chin and his eyes screwed shut, muttering over and over “If I don’t see it, it isn’t real...if I don’t see it it isn’t there...”

“What the hell is this!?” Kushina exclaimed when she finally got her voice back.
Not getting any answers, she decided to use one of her patented intelligence gathering methods; she marched up to the poker playing duo, grabbed them both by the front of their shirts, dragged them out of their chairs and introduced them to the wall. “Start talking!” she commanded, her tone of voice promising a lot of pain if her order wasn’t carried out. Izumo and Kotetsu struggled a bit, apparently unwilling to say anything at first, but eventually gave up. “The village has gone mad,” Kotetsu started, “Nowhere is safe...” Izumo carried on, eyes darting left and right. “Can’t let your guard down for a minute...” “The wedgies...the wedgies...!” Kushina listened with mounting frustration until her notoriously short fuse had completely burned down. “Make sense dammit!” She shouted point blank into their faces. The Eternal Chunins developed a thousand yard stare. “The green faced girl...” “The one from before...” “Yes...?” Kushina drawled out. “She multiplied...” The two spoke in a traumatised monotonous unison. Kushina dropped them in shock, failing to notice Anko’s own look of shock segueing into gleeful anticipation. “I’ll...err...I’ll...just...go and...check the...the...thethingywiththewhatsitbye!” Anko dashed out of the tent before Kshina could stop her, a big grin on her face. As one of the few people in the village that had voluntarity and enjoyed wearing the mask, this was too good an opportunity to pass up; all she had to do was find one of those green faced females and then, Option A: shake them down for info on where they got their own mask, or, Option B: relieve them of said item and keep it...as evidence for what had happened of course! .

Now, where to start...she didn’t get much further than that before something collided with her head and leapt off, knocking her over. Shaking off the disorientation from her fall, Anko rolled over and managed to catch a glimpse of a tail and hindquarters as the animal that had jumped onto and off her head dashed round a corner. “There it goes! Grab it!” Came a yell as a trio of adolescent figures charged up and collided with Anko sending her into the dirt once again. The breath was knocked from Anko’s lungs as something landed on her, quickly followed by 2 other somethings. “Owww...what happened?” an adolescent girls voice groaned. “We hit something...dunno what...” a second male voice replied. “Udon, you alright?” “Mgfff...yfgh...mmbl...” came the muffled reply. “What? Speak up...” the male voice began before everybody got their bearings and realised what was happening. Everyone has had a moment in their lives when they have run into someone and as soon as it becomes apparent who that someone is, the first thing the first person thinks is “Oh crap...” with a massive sweatdrop. Team Ebisu was experiencing this moment right now having finally realised they had run into and knocked over Konoha’s Snake Mistress and one of its best interrogators. Any burgeoning terror at the prospect of Anko’s retribution was compounded by Konohamaru and Moegi’s realisation that the still groggy Udon’s face was firmly planted in Anko’s chest. Fight or flight finally kicked in and the two turned to flee...and fell flat on their faces, courtesy of the snakes wrapped round their legs. “Now then,” Anko remarked conversationally, her tone sweet as arsnic, “care to tell little ol’ me what you’re doing? And why I’ve got a genin stuck in my chest?” Slowly turning, Konohamaru and Moegi looked at Anko, her cheerful smile offset by the flames dancing in her pupils. “It’s Tora...” Moegi began, “We spotted her earlier so we’re trying to catch her.” “This late at night?” Anko narrowed her eyes disbelievingly. “Well...she had something in her mouth, we think she stole it from someone. We’re trying to get it back we can return it. There might be a reward.” Udon replied, having finally managed to get himself unstuck. “Something in her mouth you say? What was it?” Anko’s tone still sounded like she didn’t believe them. “It looked like an old wooden antique mask,” Moegi began before Anko interrupted her, eyes filled with sparkles and a happy grin on her face.

“Well now,” the snakes retracted back into Anko’s coat sleeves as she slung an arm round Moegi and Udon’s shoulders, her tone suddenly all chummy, “Retrieving stolen property eh? Doing your duty as honest trustworthy ninja? All right, I’m coming with you.” “There’s no need...” Konohamaru began before quailing at the sight of Anko’s glare. “I’m. Coming. With. You.” She spoke clearly and calmly with the promise of dreadful retribution if crossed. “Right!” Konohamaru squeaked out in fear.

The first few minutes of their Tora tracking were largely uneventful barring various long distance sound effects from other parts of the village such as fog-horns, whizzing noises, jangling cowbells, sharp retorts that, had they been around in that day and age, would have been recognised as gun shots, a lengthly series of sound effects comprising of running feet, the smashing of a window and the gunned engine of a car racing into the distance followed by several whistles and at one point what sounded like an opera soprano singing an aria backwards. Then things started getting weird. A mammoth pair of spectacles slid across the road ahead of them, an equally massive pair of eyes behind them winking and saying “I can see you,” in a teasing tone of voice. A few steps further on, the ground suddenly became as springy as a trampoline sending them all in every direction before they knew what was happening. “This is getting ridiculous,” Konohamaru muttered trying to get back on his feet before the sound of another person singing caught his attention. Coming down the pathway on the back of a dummy horse on wheels, that was moving by itself, was a green faced woman dressed like a cowboy, strumming a guitar and singing...in a broad Cockney accent; “Oh, its the sayme the ‘ole world ovahh...its the poor wot gets the blayme...while the rich gets all the grayvay...oh ain’t it a blinkin’ shayme...”

Anko’s eyes lit up seeing her, a chance to get a hold of one of those masks was in her grasp! Palming a kunai she stepped into the model horse’s path, a twisted grin on her face. “Hey you! Let’s play!” 4 seconds later the woman had shrunken down to the size of a 3 year old child, dressed herself in a set of dungaree shorts with a cap with a propeller on top and had her green face only a few centimetres away from Anko’s shocked one, the propeller on her cap spinning furiously levitating her up to Anko’s eye height. “Play!? Oh goody, I love playing!” She squealed in a kiddie style voice, “What shal we play nee-san!? Twister?” Anko found herself on the floor in a rather compromising position, the girl’s arms and legs stretched out to extreme proportions and wrapped around her own rather like a particular brand of hentai. “Cluedo? It was Miss Scarlet in the Library with the lead pipe!” Anko looked up and dived to one side as a heap of lead piping materialised out of nowhere and landed with an earsplitting clanging noise right where she’d been lying. How about House?” Before Anko could protest she was picked up and spun round in a confusing welter of colours and a dizzying sensation. Ending as abruptly as it had started Anko looked round, spotting she was now in the Home Ec section of the Academy. The woman was zipping round several benches at once at a speed that made it look as though she was using clones, cutting, beating, scraping and slicing ingredients and mixing them at a crazy rate before putting the mixing bowl into a nearby oven. “Sorry kiddo,” Anko grinned again, making her way towards the woman, “I play rough!” “Well, all the more reason to have something in your stomach right?” The woman gave a disarming grin and reached behind her to open the oven. With a sound like a splodgy explosion the oven burst apart to reveal a large gelatinous blob several feet across. “Eat up,” the woman giggled before the blob began rolling of its own accord towards Anko, a large fang filled mouth tearing open on its front and a pair of small eyes glaring at her. Given the circumstances, Anko did what was natural. Giving vent to a bloodcurdling scream, she turned and fled.

Shikamaru came awake with a start, something quite unusual for him under normal circumstances. These circumstances, however, were not normal. Something was wrong, he could feel it and it was this feeling that had woken him. Taking care to moderate his breathing to make it seem he was still asleep and give himself time to think he rolled over and cracked an eye open. The sight that met that eye would haunt him for the rest of his life; frying pans, frying pans of all shapes and sizes hanging from wires fastened to the ceiling like hooked chains hanging from a torture chamber. Shikamaru’s dislike for frying pans was well founded as it was the favourite implement of his mother during one of her (in)famous losses of temper. She had a good aim combined with a strong arm capable of delivering strikes that would make Venus Williams envious. She was not afraid to use them on family members either and Shikamaru and his father had come to view frying pans in much the same way they viewed kunai and swords, i.e., lethal weapons.

A giggle drew his attention away from the implements of horror hanging above him, though the source of the giggle did not improve his feelings. Standing in the doorway, one hand on the doorframe and legs crossed at the ankles was a female figure, dusty blonde hair done up in 4 pigtails. A well built full figure draped in a red satin dressing gown that stopped mid thigh and open at the front enough to show a generous portion of chest, though Shikamaru was more preoccupied with the figure’s viridian green face. Dark eyes sparkled with mischief as a royal purple lipped mouth stretched in a teasing smile. “It’s your pretty emerald suna kunoichi,” she purred before literally leaping out of the dressing gown and soaring towards the shocked ninja on the other side of the room.

For the rest of the night, Shikamaru didn’t sleep.

“This way!” “You see it!?” “Over there!” “No, over here!” Tora was proving as difficult to capture as ever for Team Ebisu, her speed, dodging and escape artistry that had made her the number one hated pet in Konoha, unhampered by her current cargo. She was making full use of them as well, any obstacle she could dart round, she did, any gap or hole she and her cargo could squeeze through, she did, not limited to the pavements she ran up walls, leapt across roofs and occasionally made use of unsuspecting peoples heads, dashing away before said victim recovered their wits enough to grab her. Team Ebisu followed as best they could, fighting down the commonly held desire of most of Konoha; to give up the idea of capturing her alive and possibly turn in a tidy profit by “accidentally (hem-hem)” killing her and turning what was left over to one of the workshops so Tora would eventually see the light of day again as a couple of fashion accessories.

“Over there, down that alley!” Having to dodge round several pedestrians whose sole purpose appeared to be to pop out of nowhere and hamper the protagonists’ progress was no easy feat considering the sheer number that suddenly seemed to fill the main street, but for someone who looked up to Konoha’s Numberone Hyperactive Knucklehead, there would always be a way; something that Konohamaru displayed by taking a flying leap off a nearby cart and making the rest of the way across and down the street by using various pedestrian heads as stepping stones, engendering numerous pained cries as well as curses, threats and promises of retribution. Team Ebisu pushed it all to the back of their minds; that could come later, this was now. Konohamaru couldn’t hold back a grin as they approached the alley. “Time to teach that cat a...whoah!” Team Ebisu stopped dead in their tracks as a bright green burst of light flashed from the alleyway accompanied by a yowl and a loud windy rushing noise. “What was that?” Moegi asked in a shocked whisper. “I don’t know. Konohamaru?” Udon replied. Konohamaru paused, trying to decide what to do; that burst of light could have been some kind of trap for Tora set up by someone else, especially judging by the yowl that had accompanied the light, but something seemed wrong somehow. Deciding for once to play it safe he created a shadow clone and sent it into the alley. 15 seconds later he collapsed onto his rear, pale faced. “What is it?” Moegi asked concernedly, seeing the look of shock on his face. “My clone...something attacked it...went for its throat,” “What?” Udon looked rather skeptical and crept to the alleyway entrance, peeking round the corner he didn’t have time to utter a sound before he was yanked clean off his feet and out of sight.

“Udon!?” Moegi didn’t get much further before she was cut off by a growl...the kind that travels right up your spinal cord and lodges in the portion of your hindbrain that remembers the time humans were just another sort of unevolved monkey, easy prey for anything bigger than them. On unspoken agreement the remaining members of Team Ebisu began to back away, their faces paling as Udon emerged from the alleyway, carried by the scruff of his neck by a seven foot tall green headed sabre toothed tiger that somehow managed to convey the jaunty happiness of a house pet with its favourite toy. There were no words. Team Ebisu decided to save their breath for running.

????
He ran. He had to. To stop would mean hell. He had managed to escape through sheer fortune but his captor(s) were too quick to catch on, too quick to follow. He tried every trick he knew, every trick his mentor had taught him, but it seemed to be no use. The hunting horns were sounding and they seemed to be getting closer every time. He ran.

Meanwhile, back with Anko and the Killer Dango
Anko was a seasoned Tokubetsu Jonin who had seen a lot of the worst the shinobi world had to offer during her time in the T&I department under Ibiki Morino. Put simply, it took a lot to scare her. Her new Mom’s temper was one thing and she had now discovered another; a giant living Dango that wanted to eat her, the same way she had porked down all those dango before in her life. It was like one of those nightmares where you’re being pursued by a monster that seems to know what you are thinking and can find you no matter where you hide and cut ahead of you to ambush you when you think you’ve got away. She was currently crouched in one of the smaller classrooms under one of the partitioned desks trying to keep her panicked breathing under control and come up with an idea to stop the monster that was chasing her. She was also trying to rationalise just how and why she was so scared, after all she’d been through, she shouldn’t be so scared of something like this surely? It was just a Dango after all...giant...living...scary...but still, just Dango...Her eyes lit up, her breathing slowed and a familiar smirk crept across her face.

When a comically wheezing Mask finally caught up to the mayhem her cooking had caused, she was greeted by the sight of Anko...somewhat more rotund than normal...waddling out of the classroom at a remarkably sedate pace, with a spaced out dreamy expression on her face. “How’s the Dango?” The Mask asked in a confused tone. “*Uuurrp* Delicious,” Anko replied before waddling off humming contentedly.

Another meanwhile with Shikamaru
Much like with Anko, Shikamaru was trying to decide whether he was awake or having a nightmare. This crazy green faced woman had been pursuing him throughout his house, always seeming to know where he was and how to get ahead of him. Not only that, she would pop up in the most outlandish places.

*Flashback*
“It’s your pretty emerald Suna kunoichi,” the green faced girl purred before literally leaping out of her red satin dressing gown and soaring towards the shocked Shikamaru. For once, the oddity and surrealness of the situation took hold and Shikamaru’s brain failed him; not able to come up with a single idea or plan. Finally his body, coming to the conclusion his brain couldn’ help, decided to take action of its own and threw him into a forward roll. The Mask passed over him and struck the wall face first with a humerous crashing noise, compressing down into a one foot diameter disk that peeled itself off the wall and fell onto the floor, rolling to a stop with the of a dropped cymbal. By the time she had sprung herself back into shape and shaken the grogginess away, Skikamaru...in a remarkable (for him) dispay of athleticism...had escaped. The Mask gave a dirty chuckle, shaking her head in an affectionate way. “Oh, that man. Thinks he can escape from me. Guess he hasn’t grown that backbone from last time. still, that’s why I love him,” Let it be known, that even before she was masked, Temari possessed a strong willed personality, the end result of living most of her life with a psychopathic younger brother.

Presumably due to his panic, Shikamaru’s first attempt at dealing with the green faced girl that had invaded his house was to hide in a closet to give himself time to calm down and think. Sadly he was not given this time. 10 seconds after closing the door, he stiffened in shocked dread as a pair of sinuous arms reached round from behind him and encircled his upper half. “Oooh, this is cozy,” a breathy voice whispered in his ear. Before an unseen mouth began to nibble on it. It took every ounce of willpower for Shikamaru to turn his head to see a pair of brightly glowing neon sign like hearts floating in the air at eye level before his body took over again launching him backwards through the door and down the corridor again. Charging down to the living room Shikamaru reached for the door handle before pausing, half wondering whether the Mask was waiting on the other side. Deciding it was impossible for her to have got there before him, he opened the door and crept through. No-one was there. He relaxed. A pair of hands grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him off his feet into a whirling vertigo inducing spin. When he finally regained his footing the first thing he noticed was how much warmer it was, hot enough to almost make him sweat. The second thing he noticed was a feeling of heaviness. Looking down provided an explanation for both; he’d been dressed in an outfit composed of bright red thick heavy material and heavy black boots that felt as though it was designed for Arctic exploration. An exploration of his face revealed a white false beard had been attached and a floppy conical hat had been jammed onto his head. A flirtatious giggle from behind him jolted him into the air before jerking round to see the Mask in a tan brown furry bikini and paw design boots and gloves, a set of fake antlers on her head. “Hey Santa, she purred lascviciously, “Wanna ride your reindeer?”

*Flashforward*
The next few hours were a welter of half remembered and blurred (due to the speed he was running) images as he once again attempted to escape from the crazed green faced girl only to find her at almost every spot he tried to escape to; charging up to the attic revealed the place done up like a love hotel with the Mask posing on the bed in some saucy lingerie, swishing a glass of alcohol in one hand. A mad dash down to the cellar revealed an S&M dungeon style set up with the mask in full dominatrix gear narrowly missing him with the bullwhip she cracked through the air. The kitchen revealed the Mask in the “naked-under-apron” outfit stirring something suspicious in a large, almost cauldron sized pot. He hoped it was his imagination that he thought he saw an antler in the mix. “Dinner will be ready soon Honey, be patient!” She gave a saucy wink. Yet another mad dash later and Shikamaru found himself in the bathroom. He didn’t dare calm down; he knew he wouldn’t be safe for long. Sure enough, a senbon pricked him in the butt drawing a short yelp and a drop of blood. He couldn’t see where the senbon came from until he remembered he was dealing with a ninja. They didn’t just use floors. He looked up. The Mask was standing upside down on the ceiling, eyes twinkling merrily and a big grin on her face. Her new outfit was the most unusual; a skintight black bodysuit with white calf length stiletto heeled boots and white opera gloves and a metallic pink heart shaped breastplate. “What now?” Muttered Shikamaru in an irked tone. The Mask flipped herself down to the floor and sashayed over. “I’m a jewel thief Hon,” She said, “And I’m after your Family Jewels.” Shikamaru was nonplussed at this, after all he knew that his family didn’t have any treasure like that around. He got what the Mask was talking about when she reached forward, grabbed him by the groin and gave a light squeeze. “Oh yeah, these’ll bring a pretty penny,” she chuckled. With a considerable sense of self preservation and considerable absence of body, Shikamaru somersaulted himself backwards out of the bathroom window and sped away at a healthy fraction of the speed of fear. The Mask leant out of the window and watched. “Playing hard to get eh? It’ll make catching him more enjoyable. Hmmm, I think I’ll give him 10 seconds.” She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a cuckoo clock with a tick like someone hitting a saucepan with a wooden spoon. 10 seconds later the clock face dropped forwards and a duck head sprang out accompanied by a humerous quacking noise, like someone blowing into a duck lure. “Off we go!” The Mask gleefully announced, swinging her legs over the sill and gliding off on a set of unfurling bat wings.

Yoshino Nara; Shikamaru’s mother, was not the only mother with a legendary temper in Konoha. Currently another mothers fiery temper was on the slow boil. When she got hold of Anko, Kushina decided, she’d better hope she was wearing the mask because she was going to need it to survive; she was going to get a right ding round the earhole, dashing off like that to try and grab one of those masks leaving her to deal with those 2 idiots, the nerve! She was so angry she almost didn’t see the body flying towards her until it was too late, thankfully a rapid backflip managed to avoid a regrettable collision and a full length dive to the side allowed her to avod the storm of kunai. Rolling to her feet and looking around for the soon to be dead idiot who’d tried to attack her, her gaze fell on the latest piece of artwork to grace a nearby wall; a somewhat disreputable man spread-eagled on the wall, actually driven an inch or so into the brickwork and surrounded by the aforementioned hail of kunai, so many he looked like a finished join-the-dots puzzle.

Any thoughts as to what had happened were quickly squashed; the sheer over the top approach to dealing with this guy...almost certainly a pervert that had been caught...it was clear the person who’d done this was wearing a Mask. The lack of snake bites suggested it wasn’t Anko (lucky for Anko) so who...? Some off key singing started to provide the answer and the appearance of the singers in the grey light of the rapidly lightening morning sky finished the conclusion; 3 green faced women, one busty blonde, a blackette and a pinkette, all dressed like 1970’s gogo girls and all surrounded by an almost visible alcohol haze, a pinkish/red bar across their noses and cheeks indicating extreme alcohol consumption. “An’ ssho per’sshhhh aw emenenmen...foes of wimminkind!” the pink hair one slurred before taking a wobbly look at Kushina. “Oooh? Maggggic walking tomaaatoooo?” She grinned and reached into a pocket and pulled out a large salt shaker. “Imma eat it!”

Shikamaru huffed as he dashed round a corner, hearing the light musical laughter of the Mask as she kept up her aerial search. He’d gained his freedom from that lunatic, he wasn’t about to give it up, no sir! “You’re my tomato, there’s no use in arguing!” “Get-Off-Me! And who are you calling a tomato Pinkie!?” With a muttered “Troublesome” Shikamaru crept along the street to another junction and looked round the corner to see Kushina Uzumaki on the floor trying to fight off a pink haired green faced girl who was liberally sprinkling her with salt and doing her level best to take a bite out of Kushina’s head. Off to the side was a busty green faced blonde and a green faced blackette, both of them howling with laughter to the point that they were leaning against one another to stay up.

“GANGWAY!!” Everyone stopped at this yell to see Naruto barrel round the corner and nearly crash into the two women. Any indignation at this swiftly disappeared into revnewed gales of laughter at the sight; Naruto had been stuffed into a fox-style onesie, several plushie tails stapled to the back and a very cutesy cartoonish looking fox face on the hood. He looked furious. He also looked very silly. Even Shikamaru was finding it difficult to contain his chuckles, vaguely noting the thump behind him as the Mask fell out of the sky absolutely roaring with laughter and continued to roll on the floor clutching her stomach. Despite the questions everyone wanted to ask, they just couldn’t calm themselves down enough to ask before a fresh bout of laughter started up again, so it was lucky that their questions would soon be answered by an outside source. Naruto stiffened and went pale at the sound of a hunting horn, turning even paler as a familiar voice called out “Tally-Hooooo!” Round the corner came Hina followed by a horde of shadow clones, dressed in the traditional red coat and hard hat outfit of an English Fox Hunt, around their waists were pantomime horses (the kind where your own legs are the horse legs and fake legs dangle off the side of the “horse”). “There’s the fox! Onward!” Lifting the hunting horn the real Hina played a swing Jazzy trumpet solo then the horde charged ful pelt towards the object of their affections, who in turn backpedalled before turning to flee, tripping over one of the fake tails and falling full length on the pile that was his mother and Mask Sakura.

That, sadly, was quite possibly the worst thing that could have happened; upon getting his brain back up to speed from the jolt caused by the fall Naruto’s first thought was why everything had gone so dark. His second thought was just what were the squishy things he was holding onto. A burst of almost chaotic killing intent slammed down with a similar effect to standing underneath a waterfall, prompting a nasty suspicion followed by a very fervent prayer that he was wrong. Finally managing to raise his head, his prayer was unanswered; his hands were indeed on Mask Sakura’s chest and his face was indeed in her crotch. Mask Sakura herself was looking down at Naruto with a shocked expression that rapidly changed to a scowl. Her face began to change colour from lime green to bright glowing scarlet accompanied by a rising whistle; like a tea kettle coming to the boil. “NA-RU-TOOOOOO!!!!” She roared, her head shapeshifting into a demonic horned and fanged appearance, suddenly three times bigger than normal.

Not many people were up and about this early in the morning and those that were seemed to almost have been immunised to the craziness of the previous night through desensitization; they’d had to put up with so much weirdness they were no longer affected, so when Naruto ran full pelt through the streets, into the main square and out along another alleyway, no-one batted an eyelid. Weirdness aside, they were not big fans of blunt force trauma, so when a large chariot, pulled by 4 horses, liberally bedecked with blades and driven by a furious looking green faced woman in Celtic battle dress plus horned helmet and wielding a full sized spear thundered after Naruto everyone flung themselves headlong out of the way to avoid getting skewered or run over.

The survival instinct can be a pretty powerful thing and can prompt people into doing things they would never normally consider doing, in the name of staying alive to see the next sunrise. Naruto already had a fear of Sakura’s punches from a lietime of being exposed to them and had developed a strong fear based hatred of the Mask and the effects it had upon its wearer. These factors, plus a strong desire to prevent several feet of razor metal tipped wood from piercing various parts of him, prompted the creation of a shadow clone, as Naruto held his hand out and began to gather chakra in his palm, the clone began to rotate the chakra causing the bright blue ball of a standard rasengan to form before grabbing Naruto’s arm and spinning on his heel, flinging Naruto back the way he had come. There was just enough time for Mask Sakura’s expression to change before the rasengan impacted right on her face. A brilliant flare of blue/white and emerald light filled the street combined with an electrical crackling noise and a rubbery squeaking noise ending in a kettledrum boom of thunder as a bright green spark blasted into the sky and jetted away like a reverse comet. A wave of buzzing green energy spread out from the epicentre of the light show, covering the whole of Konoha. Wherever it went, effects were felt, especially by people who had green faces; the moment the wave passed over them, they began to jerk and spazz as though they were having a fit, green lightning bolts crawling over their faces before there was a noise (the noise made by dispelling a henge or shadow clone) and a puff of smoke. Out of the smoke would then fall the person in a dead faint, their face back to normal. Ino “woke up” in her apartment with a 5 star headache, trying to work out what had happened and why there seemed to be several new outfits she was sure she hadn’t bought in her room. Clambering to her feet after several false starts, she made her way to a cupboard, opened it and let out a shriek as she was half buried under an avalanche of bank notes and coins. Tsunade and Shizune “woke up” with hangovers of their own, wondering why they were on the floor in the middle of the street. Hinata was found in a dead faint a little further on, head glowing an atomic beet red, spirals in her eyes and clouds of steam billowing from her ears. Kushina clambered back to her feet, promising a severe talk with Anko when she finally caught her. Shikamaru had found himself held at an angle of 45 degrees by the Mask who was making “kissy faces” at him when the green wave rolled over them; a brief spazzout and a sound effect later he was on the floor again trying to support the spark out form of Sabaku no Temari and trying to work out how to protect himself from the inevitable attack when she came to and found them both on the floor with her still in her night attire. “Troublesome,” He sighed.

A few hours later
Izumo and Kotetsu waved off the stretcher bearers as theybegan the long trek back to the hospital, the still traumatised chuunin on the stretchers between them. They had been examined and declared fit enough to remain on duty by the medics, but they still intended to visit the Yamanakas for either a memory wipe or several sessions of therapy, whichever brought about the quickest results. At least now the night was over and everything was back to normal...

“Hey...” Kotetsu’s face was chalk pale, “You hear that?” Izumo wasn’t doing much better; he had indeed heard the rapidly approaching and horribly familiar whooshing noise. “Sound the...” He got no further before he found himself at an angle of forty five degrees, looking up he found himself staring into a bright green face topped by a mane of copper-red hair.

“Oooh, what a hunk of a man! MARRY ME!!!”