Tintinnabuli [2012-06-19 22:30:28 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

It’s very bold to write in rhyme and meter, and perhaps even more bold to write an extended metaphor that reaches between something very modern and scientific, and something with a more ancient and natural precedence. The ambition is vast, even more so for how short of a poem you’ve written, which is nothing short of awesome.

Though I could comment on the rhythm, I feel it is always more important to tackle the content issues first, and then work around it with any desired traditional form.

His eyes look as cold as the snow surrounding
His face looks stoic as stone

These two lines are heading in a good direction, but their images are lacking. Cold as snow and stoic as stone have some really solid alliteration and assonance, but their descriptions seem inherent. Snow for me is always cold. By mentioning it, I’m already given the impression of how cold it must be. Similarly, both stoic and stone share a similar unmoving attribute. You could probably, in both cases, get rid of cold and stoic, and use the snow and stone-faced characteristic to convey what you want with more economy.

His howl sounds sharp and critiquing

Critiquing seems like a strange word, and I suppose it’s strange because it’s a word that doesn’t seem to fit the howl’s intention. Under consideration of the metaphor at hand, it makes sense, but it betrays the nature of the wolf. I don’t think a howl under any instance would be critical.

As he preaches, "Atone! Atone!"

My question for this line is “Atone for what?” And an important question surfaces that may help bring this metaphor to life. To whom is the wolf speaking? Who must atone? Is it a hunter, a child, an abortionist, a thief? What really seems to be missing from this metaphor is another character/figure to put the metaphor into context? Another character/figure in the poem can help establish a relationship, which might then bring about the comparison to the wolf and psychiatric help. As of now, the wolf seems to be speaking broadly, to anyone or everyone, and as such the idea of atonement is stretched to an infinite number of possibilities.

But within his cold colbalt(sp) iris
His pupil seeks to console

There’s something really wonderful about this, and it’s that sort of layering: Appearance versus the interior intent. The alliteration again is really nice. Cold cobalt has that velar roughness in its surface sound, which reflects the potentially dangerous appearance of the wolf as well. The snow also has that sort of layered element to it, and there’s much potential to expose that sort of binary.

And his barking aims to gently admonish
His howl intends to extol

Firstly, howling occurs twice within the poem, but one is of criticism, and one is of praise. It’s not clear how it’s both, or if you intended it to be both.
Secondly, admonish makes sense, given a wolf’s nature, but extol does not seem fitting for a howl. Now, it’s entirely possible to completely flip the expectation and reinterpret why a wolf howls, but it needs to be more established. How does the howl resonate with praise? I’m not yet convinced.

Thirdly, it may benefit the first two, and the poem as a whole, to scrap words like admonish and extol. They don’t evoke much in me as a reader. The words have definitions and little to no emotions. What images or sounds, or any other sensory experience, would illustrate admonishment and extolment? How does the barking sound in the snow? Does it echo? Etc. That sort of thing. Imagery would definitely help redefine the common interpretations of howling as well.
Words such as admonish, extol, console, and critiquing are all very general but unspecific, and are best served instead by solid, relatable description relating to the senses, rather than words standing in for ideas.


Overall, this poem isn’t quite close to being a truly solid poem, but it also harbors a lot of potential that can easily be unlocked with a few more drafts and an audacity that experiments not only with imagery, but even with form too. Before pursuing a fixed form, it should be contemplated why the form is significant. Significance and meditation on the form can add a really cool contemporary feel to metered, rhyming poetry, rather than feeling like blind devotion to past poetry.

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silverwing2822 [2012-06-04 12:56:50 +0000 UTC]

I like this a lot. (and not just cuz I love wolves haha)
I think the rhyming scheme works pretty well, I especially like rhyming in the last 4 lines. I do agree with ~gopotter that some of them are a stretch.
I feel like perhaps you could omit some words and say
"Eyes as cold as the snow surrounding
a face stoic as stone"
Thats all I can think of to change though and it may be a personal preference thing. Nice job and hope this helps!!

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gopotter [2011-07-30 02:09:06 +0000 UTC]

I knew. Who wants to pay attention to math anyway!
*cough*Almost fails math*cough*
This was good. And I mean that honestly, not the '...um... yeah. Good. Or... something...' And considering how often I say that (very rarely)...
The rhymes seemed to stretch just a bit... I think the hard 'k' in critique after a softer 'd' sound in surround was a bit odd (not to mention- Ing doesn't necessarily rhyme with ing. People often try to go a syllable or so back from that).
As for the flow, that... was really good. And that is all.
The end. Have a nice day. Please enjoy your complementary cookie.

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springdaemonbrian [2011-07-09 18:54:27 +0000 UTC]

Simply beautiful. a great work of art

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