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braceletsofsmoke — Changes
Published: 2003-08-21 01:17:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 172; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 16
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Description
silence falls from your lipsnot words, nor sounds
just an endless whip of harsh, creul feelings
nothing more to believe
wishing none of this to be true
deceit is one thing
and love another
yet in my mind and heart
they are entwined like in a creul lovers embrace
entangled so tight
no telling which ones which
they inter-mingle
absorb each other
become each other
friend becomes foe
mocking me
yet your smiling at me
twinkles come from those hazel eyes
and the knife is pushed further into my heart
with blood on your hands you look at me with an inquisitive stare
not realising your covered in my life giving spirit
even after i'm gone
you cant wipe the blood from your hands
my essence has stained you
you have absorbed me
you have become me
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Comments: 14
Like I said on the last poem I commented on -- this has some very nice imagery 
If there was one thing I'd criticise, however, it'd be "my life giving spirit". Just sounds a little cliched in a way I don't like, to be honest. But if it works for you
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damn...i am in awe. this is absolutely beautiful, dear. the emotion from both characters in this bleeds through very well. and the ending...outstanding.
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If you had written "brown" instead of "hazel," I don't think I would have been able to see through the tears that this would have evoked. I feel this. Beautiful description of the intertwinement of love and deciet.
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powerful, a few punctuational oddities like "your" instead of "you're" and "ones" instead of "one's". No other issues with it though, good stuff.
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hmm "cruel" istead of "creul".
well, i would like to say something different but... all i can say it's just that i really enjoyed reading your words and that i kept reading the last stanza... until the words started to echo in my mind..
in spite of the repetition you mentioned, it goes well with the "changes"
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as you mentioned, it contains a *few* slight spelling errors, but that can be excused. really a very nice flow and feel to the words as they form together, and the sentiment behind it is also very good too. like it
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I can't say I know too much about poetry, but I did enjoy reading this. I found it to be quite powerful especially at the end :
"even after i'm gone
you cant wipe the blood from your hands
my essence has stained you
you have absorbed me
you have become me"
that part is just brilliant
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"even after i'm gone
you cant wipe the blood from your hands
my essence has stained you
you have absorbed me
you have become me " Those words are so vivid and haunting. Great piece sally, another awesome poem
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"even after i'm gone
you cant wipe the blood from your hands
my essence has stained you
you have absorbed me
you have become me"
i love this.
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