badblokebob [2004-09-02 04:07:35 +0000 UTC]

I like this Good images, both pretty and sad at the same time. The rhymes work too. That said, I think it'd be better with more than two lines per stanza, just to make it flow better, as it were. As the previous commentator said, it's a tad bumpy at times. I still like it though

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alwayzdazd [2004-08-17 20:44:09 +0000 UTC]

lovely. the meter was off a little bit, which made the ride a little bumpy, but the images you gave came off very well. nice work.

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Rosebud1313 [2004-06-16 10:06:51 +0000 UTC]

Not bad! Awesome job!

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adnexa [2003-12-17 16:58:18 +0000 UTC]

Aww.. this is very good. Not a big fan of rhyming since it can lead to a worse choice of words. But this works perfectly. It's very dark.. self loathing.. and yet the shattered heart. Brings back bad memories.

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angeljunkie [2003-08-20 21:15:45 +0000 UTC]

i like the rhyming effect, and particularly the first line.

"Falling leaves
From silver trees"

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mech61 [2003-08-20 21:12:17 +0000 UTC]

"you once warmed my bed, now I wish you dead." There is just a coldness, an unfeeling in that bold phrase. It really stands out. You have done an excellent job here.

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rudhira [2003-08-20 01:00:47 +0000 UTC]

My lips make no sound

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emersed [2003-08-18 22:17:28 +0000 UTC]

I like it smiple approach it is more effective emotionally. I really like your style of writing it is spell bounding chant like. adding you to dev watch !

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kamelin [2003-08-18 20:42:40 +0000 UTC]

OH MY GOSH THAT'S THE SAME STORY AS MY ROUGE CASSE!! ::creepyyy::

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no1tofallbackon [2003-08-18 16:53:29 +0000 UTC]

cool, repition on rhythm and rhyming is nice, the thought of it is good and its something alot of ppl can realte to!

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angelrollin [2003-08-18 01:33:54 +0000 UTC]

nicely done i think

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gothkitty317 [2003-08-18 00:17:13 +0000 UTC]

wow!! the rhyming and rythem is exceptionall!!

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sto67 [2003-08-10 07:02:37 +0000 UTC]

i wouldve imagined this to be slightly more abstract
because it just can become a lot more abstract hehe ie
"You leave a blank face"
to
"an empty face"
if you had a more regular rhythm it wouldve worked better
you can destructuralise this poem somewhat
because abstract is usu not too structured so you can have uneven stanzas, but rhythm is always good so include that
rhyme is not always required
the AA BB CC style is a bit old and not to my taste but if used correctly can be very effective, so play with it a bit to see how you like it
"My lips make no sound
As my broken heart [/] falls[,/] to the ground "
i think it would be better if this was split into 3 lines where i have specified
or 4 lines
but yea its interesting to play around with experimental poems
you get to see how everything works
lataz and good luck with the rest of your poetry!

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undesireable [2003-08-10 02:27:17 +0000 UTC]

Your giving it a go was worth it. Nice job, I enjoyed reading this piece.

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moosekleenex [2003-08-08 00:46:03 +0000 UTC]

beautifully written with alot of emotion. the rhyme scheme is great. yay!

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nightmandl [2003-08-08 00:24:54 +0000 UTC]

not bad at all! keep up the good work!

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