IkilledBUDDHA [2006-12-02 06:10:24 +0000 UTC]

Hehe.

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Lisolette-Anwe [2006-11-29 03:41:41 +0000 UTC]

I'm sure there is a reason that you have the numbers as numbers, however, numbers should always be written out unless you're drawing attention to the numbers.

Also, 'and' should never come at the beginning of a sentence.

"My heart ache" I think 'ache' should be 'aches'

"Waiting--waiting for you
to call to come"

'you' should be 'your'

Also, in the second stanza "My heart ache," 'ache' should be 'aches.

"5 days 8 minutes and 17 seconds
I'm missing you, I missed you dear
My heart ache, my fingers crossed
Do I--do I need you--I do, and
I missed you, dear"

I didn't like the repetition in this stanza. I felt like it could have done without it. The word 'missed' is sorely overused here.

"25 days 8 minutes and 17 seconds
I will call, I will come
My heart ache, my fingers crossed
Will I--will I reach you?
Your voice, your smile"
'ache' should be 'aches'

"I haven't hear your voice
for quite some time"
'hear' should be 'heard'

"and you called:" 'and' could be replaced with 'but'

"and I said:" Omit 'and' and replace it with 'so'

I also think that punctuation, mostly periods, would be a helpful addition.

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Oosaki-Nana [2006-11-25 07:12:10 +0000 UTC]

You go, bug! I love the poem.
I MUST find who it is for!!
PS: Hey, buddy.. it's been a while.
-Ana.

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Bobbo1988 [2006-11-25 00:05:57 +0000 UTC]

If you were me--what would you have said?

I want you back, i would say

Nice poem.

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