Lisolette-Anwe [2006-11-29 04:07:21 +0000 UTC]

"And when I turn my head"

Omit 'and' it is absolutely unnecessary. 'and' is one of the ugliest words in poetry. It really ruins a piece.

"descendant of the seventh sky
bound by stripes of fast neon lights
in the middle of nowhere:
under the stars and under the full moon sway
Just you and me
and no body else."

I'm not sure what to make of this stanza. I understand it, but I really feel as if it wasn't necessary to the piece. just a few lines maybe.

" and under the full moon sway" Omit 'and' and replace it with a semi colon. 'no body' should be 'nobody'
Also, the moon doesn't really sway. I would alter this line.

"Oh god, oh god--" 'god' should be capitalized. God, for most, is a proper noun.

"There are countless times
that I wish
on this moment
I could hug you and hold you tight
and feel your heart beats
and mine
just that, and nothing else"

'that I wish' and 'on this moment' should be one like. I'm not sure why you spaced them on different lines.

"and feel your heart beats" I would omit 'and' and replace it with 'to'. Also, 'heart beats' should be 'heart beat'

'and mine' should be omitted because it's unnecessary. You always feel your heart beating because it's in your chest.

"just that, and nothing else" I would omit 'and' and replace it with a semi colon or an ellipsis.


"If you could, I will give you my all:
my heart, my soul, my entire being
and much much more"

You sound like a used car salesman. I would omit that last line. It's excessive and reads awful.

"Eventhough I will either way."

'Even though' is two words. But I would alter this line to something like 'But it's already yours'

"By god-" 'god' should be capitalized..

"Just-the two of us-" Omit this line. It really doesn't add anything to the piece but more repetition.

In my opinion, 'forever" should be separated and put into italics to match the pattern you had going on previously.

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