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Published: 2016-05-29 13:02:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 853; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 0
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I did nothing yesterday but listen to George Carlin dub Thomas and friendsRelated content
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Narrator: When Sir Handel crawled home, he found Sir Topham Hatt waiting for him.
STH: I want you to know I don't automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom. Can you deal with that?! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You wanna know when I wash my hands? WHEN I SHIT ON THEM!
(Guess who! Ha ha!)
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Narrator: James' driver and fireman were feeling him all over to see if he was hurt
James: HELP MOMMY! THE MAN IS TOUCHING ME JUST LIKE DADDY DOES AT HOME!
(hey Omega!)
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Narrator: He was still cross when they reached the top station. Sir Handel was hoping for a rest, but his driver thought otherwise.
Driver: grow up, motherfucker! Let's get you back on the rails!
(: D Hello Cookie!)
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Daisy: thanks dick that's real clever! By the way, does that ever get to you? Being called dick?!
Driver: being called dick is a lot better than being called dicklicker.
Daisy: eat shit raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd!
(c: how ya been?)
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Narrator: Peter Sam shut his eyes.
*Carts full of slate crash into Peter Sam. One falls from the sky and breaks the water way*
Narrator: the poor fuck. The poor stupid fuck.
(I've been great! I had a weird dream about a new Pannier Tank Engine at Knapford named Guv'nor, and am doodling him. How have you been? : 3)
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Sir Handel: I'm sorry about your accident
Peter Sam: FUCK. YOU.
(I've been pretty great as well. I had a dream where Sir Handel and I were racing. I won XD)
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Duncan: Holy shit, look at the fuckin' knobs on her!
Nancy: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick!
(Cool. I did draw a Guv'nor and put it on my art blog. I'll link you if you want!)
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Lady Hatt: eat your fucking cornflakes ya cock sucker!
STH: listen cunt! I'm tired of your medl'n!
(that would be awesome :])
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Narrator: One evening he was dozing happily, but Percy wanted to talk.
Percy: Remember that time I took you down to the beach and we set the hot dog stand on fire and 3 people died? Wasn't that fun?
Thomas: Certainly not!
Narrator: Percy went on teasing him.
Percy: Then I took you down to the bar and got drunk and threw up on the jukebox. And sparks started flying out of the jukebox and a fire started? And all the people were screaming, remember that??
Narrator: Thomas decided to say nothing and went to sleep instead.
(art-from-a-chimera.tumblr.com/… here you go, friend!)
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Percy: maybe we’ll stop feeling cold if we talk about warm things! Like sunshine, or steam.
Thomas: or a nice tattoo of Madonna with her hand up your ass!
(Looks great! c: )
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Harold: Don't recall seeing you before, what brings you this way?
Rusty: I wanna see a paint factory blowin' up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday!
Harold: Well done! Cheers! And keep up the good work! *flies away*
Rusty: Cheeky chopper!
(Thank you~ c: )
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Thomas: botheration! That means I’ll be late!
Toby: they've cleared the line for you, but there’s something worse!
Thomas: out with it, Toby, I don’t have all evening.
Toby: I just realized I haven’t eaten an ice cream sandwich in 47 years
(Your welcome~!)
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Sir Handel and Peter Sam: We'll all be back to work tomorrow! We're glad you've come back, we can keep you in order now!
Duke: Keep me in order? Fuck that! Impertinent scallywags.
(Now begs the question: How does Duke know what a scallywag is?)
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Narrator: the stationmaster was furious.
Stationmaster: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
(Well the definition for scallywag is someone who behaves badly.
maybe he just picked it up over his 137 years of exsistance I dunno)
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Donald: I hear tell of an engine and some tar wagons!
James: Shut up! It's not funny!
Donald: Fuck you, I think it's hilarious! How do you like that?
(Maybe one of the railway workers said it and Duke called Falcon and Stuart scallywags and it stuck.)
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STH: 1… 2… 3!!
Narrator: suddenly the station lite up as if by magic!
STH: Jesus! Can you believe it’s Christmas?! Sweet Christ the Christmas tree’s on fire.
(yeah that makes sense)
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Narrator: Harold flew lower for a closer inspection.
Harold: What the fuck is that?
(Falcon and Stuart were probably like "wtf does that mean" or "what did you call us?" Or something along those lines.)
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STH: I wanna be fair Douglas… but I don’t know.
*stares off into the distance*
STH: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh fuck it
(Duke never tells them what it means so every time he calls them that they're just like "why do you keep doing this to us?")
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Narrator: The other engines laughed, and Sir Handel sang a song about it.
Sir Handel: Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes tied in a knot! Hooray, lizard shit, FUCK!
(The workmen snicker every time Duke calls them scallywags, and Falcon and Stuart are even more confused)
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Narrator: The bus growled as he stared at the happy passengers.
Bulgy: Miserable pricks. I wouldn’t have brought them if I’d known, would have had a break down or something
Narrator: Duck was shocked at such an idea
Bulgy: You don’t like it, suck my dick.
(pfft they just spend a large portion of their lives going "wtf does it mean and why is everyone laughing at us")
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Narrator: the teasing continued until at last the day came when his new funnel arrived. Sir Topham Hatt proudly presented it.
Peter Sam: Well fuck!
Narrator: But Sir Topham Hatt laughed.
STH: Don't worry, Peter Sam! There's nothing wrong with a man who enjoys a good blowjob.
(Maybe when they move to the Skarloey Railway, they tell the others of what Duke calls them, they laugh and one of them finally explains what it means. Who knows?)
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Children on the bridge: Help, Thomas help! we’re glad to see you!
Thomas: You show me your wee-wee and I’ll show you mine.
(Sir Handel getting offended for weeks after being told what scallywag means because he's much to important to be called that)
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Narrator: Sir Handel stopped just as Gordon pulled in.
Sir Handel: Hello, who are you?
Gordon: I'm Gordon, who are you?
Sir Handel: I'm Sir Handel! Wouldn't it be interesting if the only way you could die was that suddenly your head blew up? If there were no other causes of death, everyone died the same way? Sooner or later your head simply exploded.
Narrator: Gordon was speechless!
(Then when Duke comes back he snaps at him for calling him that and Duke's like "this is exactly why you're a scallywag." Then Sir Handel calls him a fuddyduddy and steams away //bricked)
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Narrator: when Henry got up steam, he puffed out. He was dirty and covered in cobwebs.
Henry: Oh I’m stiff! I’m stiff!
STH: Good, stay the fuck outta here.
(Peter Sam later apologizing over and over for what Sir Handel said because that's just what Peter Sam would do)
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Narrator: He left to fetch his coaches. He didn't like the look of them.
Sir Handel: What ever next! What the fuck's the deal with those guys? Those aren't coaches, they're cattle cars!
Coaches: Ooh! What a horrid engine! Eat my box!
(Peter Sam being Peter Sam. Nothing wrong with that.)
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Daisy: animals always run if you toot and look them in the eye
Toby: even bulls?
Daisy: how the fuck should I know?! What do you think I am? A fucking psychic?!
(I dunno how Duke put up wit those 2 for all those years)
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Narrator: The new engine arrived.
STH: What's your name?
Duck: Ballsniffer
(Patience, selective hearing and a hell of a lot of tolerance)
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Narrator: the driver and firemen buy tea and cakes from the refreshment lady.
The refreshment lady was making her way to the train.
Peter Sam: Bake me a fucking loaf of bread -said Peter Sam- couple of corn muffins, jelly donut I don’t give a shit! I’m in the market for quality baked goods!
(and lots of lectures about "his grace")
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George: I don't believe in road rage. I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don't like the was someone's driving, I pull up along side the other car and say: I hope your children turn out poorly.
("We've heard enough of "his grace" grandpuff! Can't we talk about something else?" "NO. You scallywags put me through enough, it's time for me to do the same to you!")
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Trevor: oh yes, I like children. Children. The sea side, the harbour, the children, oh yes that will be lovely.
Edward: you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy.
("I guess this is what we get for singing that song at him for years" "no shit Peter Sam")
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Trevor: Oh yes, I like children
Edward: you know what I think? Fuck the children. Fuck 'em, FUCK KIDS. They're getting entirely too much attention.
(The other Skarloey resident engines must be like "wtf, this is so weird but hilarious")
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James: I’ll show them! They think Gordon is the only one who can pull coaches. Fuck ‘em.
(the others take enjoyment from their dis-pleasement and arguments)
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STH: 1,2,3! Whatta buncha pussies.
(I can imagine Duncan laughing and the other snickering/giggling.)
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Driver: Bullshit. We’ve been along here hundreds of time and never had an accident!
Policemen: That makes it worse!
Narrator: He wrote ‘Regular Law Breaker’ in his book. Thomas puffed sadly away.
Thomas: Fuck that lame ass cop.
(mostly Duncan though. because it's Duncan.)
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Policeman: The law is the law, and we can't change it!
Narrator: Sir Topham Hatt felt exhausted.
STH: No one should do anything to help the police.
(What else could you expect from Duncan? He's just like that.)
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Conductor: Masturbation is not illegal. But if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking, I know what I’m talking about!
(He's a plain blunt engine, and he'll speak as he finds!)
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Driver: You have a leather bootlace. Please give it to me!
Man: So it is, eh? WELL FUCK YOU!
Narrator: The passengers all said what a bad railway it was. Then they told the mad how bad he was instead.
Man: Alright,alright,alright, I'll give it a shot!
(Yes. He speaks what he wants and doesn't give a shit what other people/engines think! Clearly Duncan and I should be friends because I'm the same way.)
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Thomas: we mustn’t go past it. That’s orders.
Percy: why?
Thomas: danger means falling down something. I went past danger once, and fell down a mine.
Percy: it’s a minor risk. Take a fucking chance, buncha goddamn pussies!
(I'm the same way. fuck what everyone else thinks!)
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STH: Fuck you, you cunt!
Lady Hatt: Keep fucking with me, little dick!
Narrator: the butler came in.
Butler: Excuse me sir, you're wanted on th-
STH: Get the fuck out of my life.
*Camera pans to STH, the Butler and Lady Hatt*
STH: Leslie, the way we're acting is crazy. Let's put all this petty personal stuff behind us, and act like professionals. What do you say?
Lady Hatt: Good idea! I agree!
Narrator: Then he set off to catch his train.
(Hell yeah!)
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Grandchildren: Come on grandfather! Do look at this engine.
STH: that’s a tram engine Steven.
Grandchildren: May we go in it Grandfather? please?
STH: Would someone please explain to me the supposed appeal of having grandchildren? I don’t get it.
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Narrator: James’ driver and fireman could not make him move. The inspector arrived.
Inspector: show a wheel, James! You can’t stay here all day!
James: fuck you, I’m going home, I’m already motivated.
(This quote is my life in a nutshell.)
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James: I am a splendid engine, ready for anything! you never see my paint dirty.
Toby: No one is amused, so calm down and knock off the shit. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself.
(1. George Carlin had the best quotes 2. Toby lays out the facts)
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That behaviour would never suit his grace! X)
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